To go to the US for a week without my family?

[ttalloo]

My DSis, who lives in the US, has recently had a baby.

Throughout her pregnancy she's said that she would like my mother or me to come and visit after the baby's born. My mother won't go because she hates travelling alone, doesn't cope with jetlag, and doesn't like where my DSis lives. Even now that the baby's been born, she still doesn't want to go.

So I've booked tickets to go for a week by myself in early December, and DH has gone spare. We've been arguing talking about this for the last nine months, and I know why he doesn't want me to go, but I think he's being a selfish pig. Today he told me that if I go our marriage is in jeopardy, that I'm a selfish mother, and the children (24mos and 3.8yrs) will have a terrible week without me.

The trouble with his arguments is that I think he's being so unreasonable that divorce at this precise moment doesn't seem such a bad idea (I haven't had a chance to calm down yet), and that of the two of us I am not the selfish one because I'm not the one who sleeps through every noise the DC make, or who ignores them to watch TV, or who plays on his iPhone while they're clamouring for his attention, or who leaves everything regarding the DC to his wife.

I agree that the DC probably won't take my absence very well (DS2 is going through a phase of howling every time I go to the loo), but there would be a better chance of it if DH were positive about it. And DH undermines his argument in that regard because I sometimes have to travel for work, and he has no complaints about me needing to be away for a week if necessary. Because it's work, and that's more important than my DSis.

In RL my friends all think my DH is BU, but he, his parents and my mother (who probably thinks I'm showing her up) all think that I am. I still have three weeks before I need to get on a plane but I've lost all sense of perspective on this - hence this overlong post - and would appreciate some input from some people who don't have a vested interest in the outcome of my decision. Thanks.

GGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and have a great time.

If it was about finances, you'd be unreasonable (i.e. can't afford it).

If it's about lack of planning it with him, you'd be unreasonable (perhaps he had something importnat on that week).

If it's about the fact that he doesn't want to be the sole carer for your children whilst you're away just for one week only, you are defintitely NOT being unreasonable.

They're half his kids, right? And you have a worthy excuse to go - it's not like you've booked a weekend of shopping in New York

by this tantrum that he's throwing, supported by his family, is he basically admitting that, as a father he can't cope with looking after his kids for a week? What if you were ever admitted to hospital or had to work away for a short period for your own work?

It sounds like he knows it's tough looking after the kids, but he's been happy to let you shoulder it all before now - and now that the reality of him having to do it for a week (a week! that's nothing!) he's kicking up a fuss.

i think this episode says more about your H than anything related to you or your sister.

Im stunned by your DH behaviour, im going to manchester this weekend, yes all weekend, my auntie had terminally ill cancer, was taken in to hospital last weekend, thankfully it was just a water infection. My husband has been fab, infact taking time of a reasonably new job to look after my 2 children from previous relationship and our own little beauts.

Your mother ought to be ashamed of herself, trying to imply your a bad mum, ffs pot kettle black comes to mind, her daughter has recently given birth,she should have her mother with her, She should think about her obligations to her children, than giving you advice about yours. I find it unbelievable your mother would even think of SS let alone threaten you with them.
Your mother, aswell as his parents have the maternal instincts of a walrus.
Get on that plane chick, if not for your sister, but for your sanity

OP, i've just read your update.

Does your mother nor your husband care enough to put YOUR needs and wishes first for once?

When does what YOU'd like ever come into things?

I'm fucking livid on your behalf.

"He needs to fucking grow up and start being a dad" - exactly!

My dcs have six weeks without DH every year...they don't care.

My DH is back in the USA for a week right now to be with his mother after his grandfather died, leaving me with a newborn and toddler. As far as I see it, that's what families DO, they help each other out and although it's not exactly a cake walk spending a week without him, there was no other option.

Last year DH took our DS to the US by himself as he wanted to see his family and I couldn't get time off. No drama, no guilt - in fact, they had a fabulous time and it really helped strengthen their relationship.

Your poor sister - having had my first in the US, I really appreciate how much she needs you and your DH is being unforgiveable really.

I think you should ask your DH why he thinks a new mum recovering from her first baby is somehow more fit to look after a child alone and with NO family support then him a seasoned father of two? What exactly does he think he is lacking?

I am flabbergasted at your DH's attitude. He is their FATHER. He should be as capable as looking after them as you. You are right - the time away will be good for him.

OP... any news...??

OP you are the only one not being unreasonable.

Go to visit your sister and let them get on with it, your DH sounds like a pig anyway

Oh just seen that your very stupid mother has said she will call SS if you leave your children for a week with their father...

They will laugh at her, unless your DH is a child beating pedophile, also I think she is more upset by her own pathetic attempts at being a mother (as clearly she is not a very good one not going to see her own daughter and new grandchild) then the fact you want to go see your sister.

I think you would be much much better off without all of them

Hi everyone. I really appreciate you being here for me.

Well, my mother has apologised (sort of) and has agreed to stop interfering on the subject (although that resolution will, on past form, last until about Monday), but TBH she is the least of my worries. At least I don't live with her.

DH is still insisting that I don't go for a variety of boring old reasons - it's not fair on the DC, they should be my priority because they are my immediate family, not my DSis and her baby, nobody will be able to manage without me, when I had children I became a mother and that means that I can't just do what I like anymore - and a new one, which is that he doesn't have any annual leave left for this year to stay at home and look after the DC while I'm away. Which is a surprise to me, because a couple of weeks ago he was telling me that allowing for the time he has to take off over Christmas, he should still be able to carry over five days into next year. And is kind of irrelevant anyway, because their normal routine is to go their grandparents and pre-school every day so DH doesn't have to take any time off - he just needs to manage the mornings, evenings and weekends by himself.

Whatever the truth of that, the reality is that he doesn't want me to go and is scraping the barrel of rubbish excuses to try to convince me to stay. Things are tense but reasonably civil at the moment, except for when he winds the DC up about me going (tell Mummy not to go to America because you won't like it, etc) when I get really angry with him, and then he stops for a bit.

Nothing that I say is enough to make DH see my point of view so this is now a battle of wills, where every reasonable person who hears my story (and I count all of you lovely ladies ) thinks I'm doing the right thing, and the four most unreasonable people I know think I'm not. I feel sick to my stomach because I'm being backed into a corner from which I'm either going to have to spring out with a suitcase in one hand and a passport in another saying sod you, I'm going, or emerge with all respect for myself and him gone - and stay at home.

I'm really tired by all this. And I just wish I could find the magic combination of words to make DH see sense, because I don't want to spend the next three weeks arguing or to leave with anger between us.

Sorry, this is longer than I meant it to be - I could write ruddy War & Peace over this.

Is your DH frightened of having the children alone, so blaming you instead? Does he need re-assurance and confidence that he can cope with them? He is certainly being unreasonable, but maybe the idea of being responsible for every breakfast, bathtime and bedtime alone with them is daunting.

It does require a positive attitude - my dp went away for 2 weeks when his dad was sick - I wohm f/t and we parent 50/50, so it was an extra thing for me to manage for 2 weeks, but no way would I have given dp a hard time over it.

Point out to that useless fuck you married that when HE became a FATHER it meant HE has responsibility too, just because HIS children came out of your body does not mean you are their slave for the rest of your life.

If you don't go you will always resent that your dh talked/blackmailed you out of it.

I went to the US for 5 days when my youngest was only 10 months old. It was purely for a holiday with friends, one that had been planned for a long time. I had a great time & never regretted it. My middle child did tell the preschool staff that I had gone to live there though!

I did do a huge list of instructions and MIL & SIL came to stay (needless to say they wouldn't have if it had been me left alone with the kids!) Is it possible to get your mother or MIL to come over to help in the evening if this is what is freaking him out? Obv he should be able to cope alone but he is just a man after all...

ttalloo, when does this end for you?

Are you tied to your kids forever in a way he isn't? Or does this duty he's put on your shoulders alone end when they turn 18? How about 21? What are his plans for when you're ill, as we all surely are sometimes - or, god forbid, ever taken into hospital for a routine or non-planned stay? Just when does your husband, the father of your children, ever feel like he deems it worthy that you can have the freedom that he enjoys?

God, your dh sounds like a selfish prick.
Do you point out to him the issue of him messing with his phone and watching tv al lthe time?And your mother-! Fucking hell, she sounds dreadful too.

Well, as everyone has said, you should most definitely go. I think I would just stop rising to the conversation with him (and the others). Like in Tai Chi where you learn to deflect the strike instead of confront it. So when he starts up just change the subject, ignore or go do something else. Face his commments with phrases like "I do see what you are trying to say..." And then, pack your bags and get on that plane. Your sister will be crushed if you don't come and it sets a terrible precedent for the future of your relationship. My brother had planned to come when I had ds1 and then didn't :( Too bad as there were many mistakes made (he is a physician) that wouldn't have happened otherwise.

i would just book tickets for the children.

going against the grain, but i would not leave my children with an arse of a father, as the whole time away i would be worried about them.

I'm just adding my voice to the weight of sensible opinion. DH and I are generally pretty good on the co-parenting thing (although I work pt from home, so in reality, my burden is higher). If I needed to be away for a week, he'd absolutely cope. And I would if he was away for a week. And I really hope neither of us would be selfish enough to guilt-trip in the way your dh is doing.
That doesn't mean there wouldn't be some whinging/point-scoring/-earning to be done in the run-up, but we'd manage.

As others have said, I think your dh is bricking it/realising how much stuff you do (without it being acknowledged), and that's what's creating this panic. If you want to live through this is a (semi) good way, perhaps there is some advance planning you can help him with. In a calm moment, think what might help him feel less panic-ed (eg. cook and freeze some meals, add some extra cleaner hours, book in a babysitter for one night so he can go out etc etc etc). Don't get me wrong, I don't think he should need any of these things. They are his kids, and looking after them for a week should be normal, not superman stuff. But sometimes allowances are what makes marriages work.

The other thing I'd do is talk to the kids yourself in a way that makes this trip positive - whether its about the cool American stuff you'll bring back for them, or the fact that daddy will let them eat chocolate/watch extra TV/whatever your dh is likely to be relaxed on. get your message in first, and his stupid stuff about how awful it'll be will at leas be mitigated.

jabberwocky - thanks for the advice about changing the subject when they try to bully talk to me about going to the US. I tried it out yesterday and it worked brilliantly, even when DH and my mother ganged up on me yesterday evening as I was giving the boys their dinner (timing, really).

The upshot is that they are no longer arguing over the principle of my going to visit to my sister (since I've bought my ticket they've realised that I'm serious about going, and I'm not going to throw the money away just for the sake of a quiet life), and are arguing instead over my timing.

DH says that my going in early December is the problem, and that I should go over Christmas instead because he will be on annual leave. (My mother even helpfully pointed out that it's only just another day in the year, and the DC won't even notice that I'm not there.)

I said that I'm not missing out on Christmas with my boys just to suit him, so he then suggested going in January, when his new leave year starts, and he has enough annual leave to cover my time away. Because apparently getting the DC and himself out of the house by 7.15 every morning when he leaves for work is beyond him so he might as well take the day off to avoid being late for work. Which is insane.

So I've looked into changing my flights for early January, which can be done, although it turns my bargain flight into a much more expensive one, although not eye-wateringly so, and tonight I'll put my compromise to DH - I go in early December as planned for minimal cost (and he gets a bit better organised so that he doesn't need to be off work) or I go in early January, and he can take a week off to sit in front of the telly with the boys eating chocolate buttons.

And DH knows that I won't go without leaving him with everything - meals, clothes, lists, instructions - taken care of but, as Iamcountingto3 suggests, I need to make this a lot, lot clearer.

Whatever happens I feel quite serene at the moment. Which is a great improvement on the quivering wreck I was on Thursday when I first posted.

(Oh and my mother's intuition is telling her that someone is telling me to neglect my wifely duties and abandon my children. If only she knew that I'm really a mumsnet puppet... )

Yay!!! That technique has served me well in the past. I am thrilled that it is working for you. I think your new plan is awesome. He can now take some ownership of the situation by deciding how much money he is willing to sacrifice for his pride

If your mother is so bothered why hasn't she offered to move in for the week to look after your dc whilst you go and help your sister out - problem solved.

I think you need to have a much more serious conversation in the future about your dh actually doing his sharing in raising his dc

I've been following this from the start but didn't have anything to add, but if you do go in January I hope you suggested he pays the different in costs.

How did it go last night? Fwiw, I think the 'go over Christmas thing' is simply his way of getting back at you - it's clearly not a time you would ever want to go, so as such it's a 'safe' thing to offer.

Hope you managed to sort a reasonable compromise