To go to the US for a week without my family?

[ttalloo]

My DSis, who lives in the US, has recently had a baby.

Throughout her pregnancy she's said that she would like my mother or me to come and visit after the baby's born. My mother won't go because she hates travelling alone, doesn't cope with jetlag, and doesn't like where my DSis lives. Even now that the baby's been born, she still doesn't want to go.

So I've booked tickets to go for a week by myself in early December, and DH has gone spare. We've been arguing talking about this for the last nine months, and I know why he doesn't want me to go, but I think he's being a selfish pig. Today he told me that if I go our marriage is in jeopardy, that I'm a selfish mother, and the children (24mos and 3.8yrs) will have a terrible week without me.

The trouble with his arguments is that I think he's being so unreasonable that divorce at this precise moment doesn't seem such a bad idea (I haven't had a chance to calm down yet), and that of the two of us I am not the selfish one because I'm not the one who sleeps through every noise the DC make, or who ignores them to watch TV, or who plays on his iPhone while they're clamouring for his attention, or who leaves everything regarding the DC to his wife.

I agree that the DC probably won't take my absence very well (DS2 is going through a phase of howling every time I go to the loo), but there would be a better chance of it if DH were positive about it. And DH undermines his argument in that regard because I sometimes have to travel for work, and he has no complaints about me needing to be away for a week if necessary. Because it's work, and that's more important than my DSis.

In RL my friends all think my DH is BU, but he, his parents and my mother (who probably thinks I'm showing her up) all think that I am. I still have three weeks before I need to get on a plane but I've lost all sense of perspective on this - hence this overlong post - and would appreciate some input from some people who don't have a vested interest in the outcome of my decision. Thanks.

God you're seeing your sister and new baby for the first time, YADDDNBU. Get on the plane, have lots of cuddles with your sister. I'd be distraught if my sister or mum wouldn't come out to visit me if I had a baby far away. All our family live quite close (not actually a picnic either )

Tell your children you'll get them a nice present, tell husband to wind his neck in and I'd also have a word with your mum as well, she's not exactly covering herself in glory either. By the way it is not your responsibility to organise childcare for your children, they are also your husbands children too.

When I lived in England my whole family was in the USA. I took a couple trips over without the little ones. DH was fine with it. He knew I needed to see my family and home and paying for all of us to go every single time wasn't really an option. If he took off with his brother or mates for a holiday I wouldn't care.

As a matter of fact when my mother fell ill I went over on my own leaving DH for a week with 3 under 5 and a full time job. His brother stayed in the house to help him and it all worked out. Well... except for my mom dying.

Your DH is being really selfish.

evildead she had the baby last week. Her DH is on paternity leave until the end of next week, then his family is descending on them for the week of Thanksgiving, and then I arrive three days after they leave.

She's doing reasonably well so far, but she's in a state of panic a lot of the time (combination of chronic sleep deprivation and PFB), and knowing that I'd booked my flights really cheered her up - her DH is great, but she's really worried about how she's going to cope with the isolation of having no one around when he's back at work. I know I'm only going to be there for a week, but it will be really good for her to see me, and, if I'm perfectly honest, I want to see my new niece very much.

The DC would cope much better with my impending departure and actual absence if DH would just pull himself together and be positive about it - look mummy's going to be away, you can watch as much cBeebies and eat as many chocolate biscuits as you like, we can go to the zoo/sciencemuseum/theatre, talk to her on Skype, have lots of fun - but instead he just reduces them to tears to emotionally blackmail me into staying.

Three one-way tickets sound really attractive, earwicga.

When I left DCs with their dad for a week to go to a dear friend's birthday overseas I began writing out detailed instructions for him of what the kids should be doing when, where etc.

And then I thought, you know what, if DH was going away for a week he would just go.

So I just went.

And it was fine. And the kids were fine. And they got to where they needed to go. Because they had their OTHER parent with them. And he did it his way. And his way was OK.

You have to say to DH, "I am going to help my sister for a week out of our lives. A week. I have sorted out childcare for our children. The rest is up to you. Because you are their parent too. And you can look after them anyway you want, They will be OK because you are their father. And they need you as much as they need me. I will see you in seven days. That's seven days. Not weeks, or months or years."

Just out of interest, was there a reason you and your mum couldn't have gone together?

It's complicated with my mother, merrylegs - she doesn't like travelling alone, so she would rather go with me than by herself, but if she went with me, it would obviate the need for me to go IYSWIM. Plus she's convinced that the transatlantic flights will damage her health and she strongly believes that if my DSis wants her family around her then she shouldn't have settled in the US. And, TBH, because she's so needy herself, she'd be more trouble to my DSis than help, because she'd arrive in the US in a state of nervous collapse from the flight, wouldn't sleep, would be demanding emergency homeopathy or cranial osteopathy within two days of arrival, and my DSis's whole routine would have to be altered to accommodate my mother's need for regular rests, short walks and odd eating habits. 39 years have taught me this about my mother, but two weeks in the US last year on holiday with her underlined for me just how difficult she can be outside her comfort zone. Just like DH, really.

If you usually do most or all of the childcare and general home management stuff he's probably bricking it at the thought of managing on his own.

He is BVU to make that your problem (eg guilt trips about howling babies), but I think you were being a bit U to spring it on him as a fait accompli.

Perhaps you could apologise to him for having done it without discussing it fully, but still insist that you're doing and do what you can to hand over the stuff you normally take care of, so as to make him feel more confident about managing alone?

You never know, he might appreciate all the work you do a bit more after walking in your shoes for a week...

Blimey! No wonder your Dsis has removed herself to the other side of the world! Any room in her house for you and the kids? Permanently?

Fucking hell OP I have read this thread like this . I am so mad at your husband and mother over this. They are both being unbelievably selfish.

I am a SAHM. I go away very rarely but have ben away for the odd night or two in the last couple of years. My husband does freak out a bit about having the kids himself, but he always encourages me to go despite his nerves and he always manages fine and the kids are always perfect.

We lived abroad when our first was born. Every member of my immediate family came to see us despite it being a very long flight. I can honestly say that having all of them come over (it was staggered like your sis is doing) was the only thing that got me through the first couple of months.

If one of my sisters was in that position there is nothing that would stop me going to her because I know how much I would be needed. Although to be honest I'd have to get in line behind my mother.

You are in the right here. You need to fight this. Your husband is thinking nothing of putting himself ahead of you. He needs to fucking grow up and start being a dad (and not just when you are away either). If he can't cope for a week then he needs to take a long hard look at himself and the relationship he has developed with his kids. Your ILs and mothers attitude to your sister stinks as well btw. God I am fuming for you, what a dick .

As for what he is saying to the kids and upsetting them that is so far out of line that words actually fail me and is just another indicator of how selfish he his. I hesitate to use this word but a lot of his behaviour towards you and the kids seems abusive to me.

Well, DH has just rung to say (a bit sheepishly, given that his parting words this morning included 'selfish', 'divorce') that he's going to be late home from work tonight so can I get the boys home from their grandparents - I'll probably have to put them to bed by myself too.

If the roles were reversed I'd come home to find DH steaming, boys still up at stupid o'clock and chaos all round. Tonight might be a good opportunity to sit DH down (while still in sheepish mood) to talk about this again.

But my mother has also just rung to say that DS1, who is at her house today, has told her that he doesn't want me to go to America because I hold him better than Daddy, and is subjecting me to a guilt trip over the DC. And she is going to ring Social Services if I go.

Bloody, bloody, bloody hell.

I'm crying and going to go and get DS1 from my mother's. Thank goodness I'm WFHing today - I wish the lot of them (not DCs) would just fuck off.

take them with you and stay out there a month?

'And she is going to ring Social Services if I go.'

Let her. They will tell her what a nasty bitch she is in SW terms obviously. Unfuckingbelivable!

{{hugs}}

Ring Social Services? And tell them what that you ahve gone and left your kids with THEIR OTHER PARENT? Fucking Hell.
Let her the stupid cow, SS will tell her were to go, you don't get into trouble because your kids miss you when you are away.

Sorry OP shouldn't be calling your mum names I am just so mad for you

Do you know what let her ring Social Services, lets hear what they say to her, know i'm being glib but wtf!!

I leave my kids to go out once in a while, I work Sat and have been away the odd night, last Dec I went with my sister for 2 nights to Paris (she was going through a hard time and it had always been a dream of hers) Haven't even been to Paris with dh, it has now become a joke between dh and me that I would rather go to Paris with my sister than him, he has never been a wanker over it. Yes my kids say they'll miss me but they also know Daddy is a push over when it comes to tv, chocolate, bedtimes, new toys etc!!

You have a right to have time to yourself and see your family, she was your sister before he was your husband

I'm sorry too for calling your mother names.

I went to the States when DD was 2 (half work, half jolly) and DH looked after DD with only one day of childcare. He never for one moment made me feel bad, even when I was so floored with jet lag when I returned that I could barely function.

YANBU - and SS? WTF?!

And she is going to ring Social Services if I go

Tell her go for it.. see what they have to say.

Then don't let her near you or your kids.. She'd really get social services involved? That is fucked up

I'm trying hard to imagine what exactly she is planning to say to Social Services. "Poor children have been neglected, they are home with their dad.." ??

THe thing is, even if you give in and don't go, what do you think your dh and your mother htink you are going to feel towards THEM? I would hugely resent them in your position.

Just got back with DS1 - my mother was nice as pie and even made a half-hearted attempt at an apology, but I wasn't in the mood to hear it. I've calmed down sufficiently to know that she won't call Social Services but even the fact that she would threaten me with it is bad enough.

And I'm cross enough that I don't mind that you called her names. I called her far worse in our conversation over the phone.

Between her, DH and my ILs I think I'm going to be driven demented. Fat lot of use I'm going to be to my DSis at this rate.

Thanks, though, to all of you. Your support means a lot (at least I know I'm not being unreasonable, even if the unreasonable members of my family think I am) but I don't know if I'm going to have the courage to get on that plane if I have to put up with three weeks of this crap.

OP I am enraged for you. ENRAGED. Your husband needs to start being a proper partner - yes, PARTNER in your joint life, and your mother needs to back the fuck off, pronto.

Is he the kind of man who responds well to lists? I'd start listing, right now, what you do for him, and explain that you're not only owed this week, you're owed a lot more, but you're taking a week and so he can be grateful and charming and delighted for you, or he can start imagining sole custody of the kids.

ENRAGED

"All three also take the view that when they had small children they had no help from anybody, and my DSis, having made the decision to move to the US, has to suffer the consequences of that (i.e. no family close by to help)."

Shame shame shame shame on them all.

I "chose" to come over to the UK from Canada when i met my kids dad, and as a consequence I have been on my own when I have my children.

Shame on them all for being cold, selfish and without a scrap of compassion.

Ask yourself this: when you are 90 are you going to regret going or not going?

Which example would you rather set for your children - one of support and caring for family, or "well its not my problem"

Unbelievable.

Well... after all the shit you've had to put up with so far, you definitely DO have to go! Otherwise they have won and will behave like this for ever more.

Can you take your boys with you? And stay a month?