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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dilema

30 replies

newwave · 09/11/2010 23:09

Not an AIBU as such just seeking others opinions on a dilema.

I am quite friendly with my Cousin, she has a 16 year old dd who has stated she wants to go to next years V Festival and camp there, her mother is against it.

I go to V every year and the dd has said it will be ok because i will be there (wish she asked me first). The dd will be 17 before the next V and TBH at that age I think it is her choice to make.

My cousin has agreed on the proviso she phones home regularly and I (try) to keep an eye on her.

Later that night the dd tells me her and her mate plus boyfriends will be camping together, her Mother does not know this and I wish she had not told me. If this happens and her Mother finds out I knew there will be hell to pay.

Bearing in mind at 17 imo it's her choice to make not her mothers.

Last point the Mothers partner is not dd dad although he has been living with my cousin for about 12 years, dd relationship with him has been going downhill for a couple of years to the extent of dd telling him to "fuck off and mind his own business, your not my dad so butt out" when he tried to intervene in an argument with her mother.

wwyd

OP posts:
PaisleyLeaf · 09/11/2010 23:12

ooo rather you than me.
Surely her mum will be expecting her to be camping with her friend and boyfriends though - I can't imagine she'd think they'd camp any other way.

MoralDefective · 09/11/2010 23:16

She has to tell her Mum,or you will.
You can't keep her secrets.
You will get the blame.

Original poster
newwave · 09/11/2010 23:17

Cousin thinks she is going with three other girls.

OP posts:
DryYourEyesMate · 09/11/2010 23:17

I would tell your cousin about the other people she is going with but also make it clear you are happy to be around if there is a problem but you are going to V to enjoy yourself - not babysit

I love V, I went for my 21st Grin

Joolyjoolyjoo · 09/11/2010 23:22

I'd try to get out of "keeping an eye on her" somehow, anyhow!

I agreed to look after a 17yo friend and her sister at their first festival once (I was 28, and thought "responsible" by friend's parents!) First off they turned up with a bloody 8-man tent- for the two of them- which they couldn't carry, so DH ended up carrying it to the campsite. Then they couldn't pitch the bloody thing- again we had to do it. Then I spent the whole time flitting from their tent to ours (because of their humungous tent they couldn't pitch near us) and worrying that the unsuitable oiks in the tent next to then were going to break in in the night. Also sure they were going to drink too much and die of alcohol poisoning on my watch!

It's a big responsibility! People go a bit daft at festivals sometimes- especially if it's the first time they have been "off the lead"- I'd be more worried about drink/ drugs/ nutters than underage sex, tbh!

Original poster
newwave · 09/11/2010 23:23

I am tempted to mention it to my cousin but I dont want to break a confidence and she will be 17.

Dryyoureyes, I go every year.

OP posts:
TeiTetua · 09/11/2010 23:24

I think the only thing you can do now is tell the girl "Now that you've told me this I must tell your mum, or if you prefer, I'll give you 24 hours to tell her yourself. Sorry, but I'm damn glad I won't find out there and and have to decide what to do."

There will be sorrow. But such is life.

DuelingFanjo · 09/11/2010 23:25

I would tell your cousin's daughter that you are only prepared to let her come with you if she tells her mum that the friend and boyfriends will be there and if she doesn't, you will.

Gooftroop · 09/11/2010 23:28

You've GOT to tell your cousin. I'd be livid if my cousin kept something like this from me - I'd feel betrayed. But explain to your cousin that she mustn't tell her daughter you told her or next time you won't feel you can tell her.

Original poster
newwave · 09/11/2010 23:28

Dueling, she isnt coming with me as such, she knew I would be there and used that in her argument.

One thing did strike me as strange, her mother said "if you was at work it wouldnt be a problem but you are still at school, I cant get my head round that

OP posts:
Original poster
newwave · 09/11/2010 23:33

Thanks for the replies and good advice.

I think this is what I will do: Get both of them together and say to dd tell your Mum what you told me and also say to my Cousin, remember she will be 17 and tbh it's not your decision to make, you cannot lead her life for her.

I will then runaway very fast :o

OP posts:
Gooftroop · 09/11/2010 23:34

I'd be fuming if you did that to me.

Original poster
newwave · 09/11/2010 23:36

Goof, sorry but why.

OP posts:
SkeletonFlowers · 09/11/2010 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoralDefective · 09/11/2010 23:37

No Gooftroop,i don't agree...
Cousins daughter has to do the telling.

OP is in an impossible position and has been put in this position by the daughter.

As OP says,the girl is 17 and it's her choice to make.
She shouldn't be making OP keep her secrets and jeopardize her friendship with her Mother.

discount · 10/11/2010 17:42

If she was asking you to keep a confidence, it might be ok, but she is really asking you to lie for her (by omission but still a lie) and that is not a reasonable request. If it was me I would tell her that, and make it clear that I am not prepared to be put in that position between two people in my family that I love. Blimey I'm even feeling a bit envious despite the difficulties - I don't have that sort of family, haven't seen any of my cousins for 20 years, don't even know where they live!

sleepingsowell · 10/11/2010 18:00

I wouldn't get them together, light the touchpaper and then leave. Far better to talk to the girl, and say you're happy to 'keep an eye' on her if you think she's going to be mature and sensible, but it's not a sign of being mature and sensible to keep this sort of thing secret from her mum. She needs to tell her mum otherwise you will tell her mum that you don't want the responsibility of being the one expected to keep an eye out for her.

ChippingIn · 10/11/2010 18:02

Let it go - it's ages away, it's just as likely to be a different arrangement by then anyway!

Your cousin has asked that you try to keep an eye on her DD. Just make sure you have your phone on you all the time & that she knows you she can call you anytime if she needs you. Text her a couple of times to 'check she's enjoying herself' & that's all you need to do.

It doesn't matter if her boyfriend is going or where he is sleeping - that's not your concern nor her mothers really at 17.

Starbuck999 · 10/11/2010 18:08

I'm a little surprised that your cousin is trying to stop a 17 yr old going to V festival actually.

At 17 I was living alone, working full time in London and leading my own life. She's 17 fgs, not 12.

Tell your cousin that you do not want to take responsibily for 4 17 yr olds. Say that you will keep an eye out for them but that you will be with your own friends and may not be camped anywhere near them.

She's 17, I would pretend I didn't know about the boyfriends as I think it's unreasonable of your cousin to not be happy with it.

YANBU if you don't tell her...

Gooftroop · 10/11/2010 18:31

How many of you have 17 year old daughters?

It's fine to pontificate if you don't, but I can tell you that when you do you will be very upset if your cousin is colluding with your daughter to allow your daughter to go away with her boyfriend without your knowledge.

It's not for newwave or starbuck99 to decide what is appropriate for the cousin's daugther - it's for the mother. It may be news to you but a lot of mothers of 17 year olds do not want them to be having adult relationships with boyfriends. And yes, I agree with the mother, her being in school and living at home makes a difference. It means she lives by her mother's rules.

PlentyOfPockets · 10/11/2010 18:46

I agree with Gooftroop. I'd be furious if somebody kept this from me. However, as ChippingIn points out, V is a long way away yet - I don't think you need to tell her straight away. Talk to the daughter and let her know this is not on without her DM's permission and that you will tell her if the daughter doesn't but give her a lot longer than 24 hours. The mum might feel happier if she has time to get to know the boyfriend. If it was me, I'd give her til after xmas.

phipps · 10/11/2010 18:51

Tell your cousin you will not cover for her when she has lied to her mother. If she thinks she is adult enough to have a boyfriend and sleep with him then she is adult enough to be telling the truth.

phipps · 10/11/2010 18:54

I understand why she feels differently because her dd is still at school and not working.

I think getting them together and then dropping the dd in it is not fair.

ChippingIn · 10/11/2010 18:58

Gooftroop - no one is colluding to allow this, the OP is not providing a place for them to have sex. It is a festival - her mother has give her permission to go. She is not under the impression she is sleeping in the OP's tent. If your daughter is going to a Festival it's hardly suprising if her boyfriend is going as well really is it?

If Mothers do not want their 17 year old daughters to be having adult relationships with boyfriends (it would be easier if you just said sex) then the Mother and the daughter need to talk about this - not rely on outsiders to hold their daughters chastity belts hands.

loubeedoo · 10/11/2010 18:59

As a very wild child in my mispent youth I agree with Gooftroop and phipps.
If the 17yo DD thinks she is mature enough to go to V with friends then she should accept the consequences of her actions (whatever they are).
PlentyofPockets is right (to a certain degree imo) as she will be 17, old enough to go off tu uni, leave home etc, but while she is living under parents roof she must respect their wishes, surely?