in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

I am one of those eternally broody people however it took DP some convincing to try for DD, as I knew I had enough to cope with at the time.

I will always want another baby but I know as a family we couldn't cope with any more. I would be devasted if DH either played on my emotions and toyed with the idea or 'accidentially' got me pregnant. It would probably spell the end of the relationship. So why should anyone be judged differently for the same level of deception just because they are a woman?

It's different if in a relationship one person wants a baby and both actively decide not to use any contraception - that leaves it open really doesn't it?

OP - if it really was the best thing in the long run then why haven't you come clean with your DH? You do admit it's deceptivehg5gy, but you are advocating it to others by claiming it all worked out in the end, that is very wrong IMO.

*Deceptive - DD got hold of the keyboard sorry.

Dh & I both took the decision to have sex without a condom, just once as neither of us were sure if we wanted a second child or not. That "just once" turned into ds. We were both over the moon and it felt like having a second child was right we just needed a little nudge.

Only read P, dont know why im bothering to write as its clearly all been said before, but just to say so I can make my mark... This is disgusting. Not only has OP messed around with her husbands reality, lied to him, deceived him etc, She has stolen money from him in terms of the amount of money he would be liable to pay her if they spilt.

Also, she has made her childrens lives a lie.

She has also made it beleivable that thi sis what women do - trap men.

I am truely disgusted.

So what if he ended up to be happy about having children. Its his life.

Oh and i have reason to beleive my partner ex wife did this to him... theyre divorced now.

If you can deceive over something as big as this chances are youre pretty much a manipulating bitch in general and I'd be suprised if he doesnt realise at some point.

I had wanted to start a family for a couple of years before DH decided he was ready. I wasn't necessarily happy, but it never even crossed my mind to deceive him. Having children is something that should be decided by both partners. Of course accidents happen, but doing it deliberately is not fair, imo.

I have 3 dc and would love another (always said 4) but dp is very much against another (always wanted 2). His arguement is we cannot afford or have the space for another, my arguement is very much hormonal/biological that I have a need for dc4.

My friend asked if I would do what op did but there is no way I could do this to my dp. I want to raise my dc in a happy, loving, trusting home with both parents. I could never hurt my partner and destroy his trust in me by deceiving him over such a huge life altering thing. It would completely destroy our relationship, no matter how good a father he is and would be, that level of deception would be unforgiveable to both of us.

So as broody as I am, I have to deal with that myself and hope that either it passes or my dp suddenly has a complete change of heart.

This is what makes me angry on threads where women have children with men who have already had children from previous relationships. There is an assumption that the man committed to having a family, then left the first woman, and went on to have more with someone else. The amount of people who respond along the lines of 'You knew he already had kids, he has a responsibility to them before yours, don't complain about your family having less because of maintenance/CSA payments, his first children get priority over yours' etc

But this thread shows there are cases where a man can be forced into a situation where he a child and has to pay for him/her, even if he didn't agree to having that child in the first place.

I hope this post makes some kind of sense. We do not always know the back story, and people should not automatically assume that if a man has had sex he has also tacitly agreed to having and supporting a child.

I think it is more common than people admit. I could never do it though.

I also think however that lots of "contraceptive failures" aren't actually so much accidental pregnancies as "what the hell, if I get pregnant then so be it" pregnancies.

If a condom splits you know it's split and you can take the MAP. If you choose not to do that then you know that there's a chance you've fallen pregnant and you've chosen not to try to prevent that. That does not equal a contraceptive failure imo.

Equally if you're taking antibiotics on the pill you know there's a chance the pill won't work and if you don't want to get pregnant then you take additional precautions.

It's really not rocket science - the instructions are clear enough.

You might think it has all worked out 'perfectly' Olivia (so far) but a massive part of your relationship is based on deceit and lies. I don't think that is good for any relationship, whether your DH finds out or not.

I think it is an utterly contemptible thing to do. SIL did the same and it has changed the way I feel about her.

I am pregnant with no2 and would love more, but DH is immovable on the subject. No matter how much I would love a bigger family (4 ideally) I could never deceive him over such an important thing. I think it would change the balance and harmony of our relationship, regardless of whether he ever found out.

I would never do it!! My DP's ex did the 'accident' thing to him as all her friends we're having babies and she wanted to get married. The marriage didn't last long as she had an affair and my DP has spent the past 5 years fighting to see his daughter!!

A baby is for life and it should be the decision of BOTH parents on when they have child!!!

"Well i think it is completely shit that a woman can want a baby AND is still expected to sabotage that desire every single day by taking contraceptives. To me it is one hundred per cent unacceptable for a man to do that."

Totally agree with you, holy.

I also think that it's damn stupid of anyone to rely on someone in that situation.

I have had two "accidentally on purpose" pregnancies (with the full connivance of DH, because we are both indecisive buggers who like flying by the seat of our pants).

The biological need to procreate is a strong one. Some people deliberately mess up their contraception, but I think a lot of women who find themselves pregnant, even entirely accidentally, may have been taking risks they would never have considered if having a baby was something they definitely didn't want.

"people should not automatically assume that if a man has had sex he has also tacitly agreed to having and supporting a child."

Yes, people should assume that, because that is reality.

We need to stop bringing up boys to think it is their right to have as much sex as they want.

Sex is procreative. If they are having it there is a chance they will be making babies.

That is an unchangeable fact of biology.

If they make a baby they will be responsible for it.

I have a friend how has done this roughly every 9 months for 6 years. One of the pregnancies has resulted in a live birth. The others have all ended in terminations on her partner's insistance.

She's heartbroken over her lost babies but he has always been clear that he didn't want a baby and they weren't in a financial position to support one.

I feel her pain, I really do, but I can't feel sorry for her because she knew what she was doing. She even got pregnant deliberately 3 months after her DS was born and had to abort.

I don't agree that her partner should have such a sway over her decision to keep the babies but he thought she had the coil fitted and was on the pill. He trusted her over and over again through all the 'conraceptive faliures', even when she insisted it wouldn't happen again and refused to use condoms.

She has never worked for more than a few months at a time and he would've been finacially responsible for all of them, and didn't feel he wanted to spend his life working 70 hour weeks to support a big family. I totally agree with him.

"Lets face it. Its a lot less of a gamble if the law says the man has to pay for its upkeep regardless."

I don't know baout you but I would consider a father's role to be rather more than financial.

I'll agree that baby-in-partnership vs out-on-your-ear is a more extreme chance to be risking than baby-in-partnership vs on-your-own-but-financially-supported, but if I wanted a baby with someone I would want the baby with them.

"I have a friend how has done this roughly every 9 months for 6 years. One of the pregnancies has resulted in a live birth. The others have all ended in terminations on her partner's insistance."

OMG that is one of the saddest things I have ever read.

You AGREE with this man?

Jesus, he sounds like a monster.

Get her to leave him FFS. What kind of a friend are you?

I have always suspected there are a lot of pregnancies that come about this way. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I just do.

My FIL once said, with a bitter edge to his voice, "contraception doesn't seem to work in this family". MIL seemed to do what she wanted regarding family planning. Both SIL's then conceived their children due to "contraceptive failure" in FIL's eyes, but we (me and my DH) both know that they actually planned their pregnancies, because they told us, though the male was involved as well in the "contraceptive failure" deceit. Why lie? Because they were both unmarried and thought their parents would disapprove so it took away the "blame" factor.

Not quite the same thing I know but just goes to show that there are a lot of "contraceptive failure" stories out there which would have you think its very hit and miss but there's more to it.

Which must make it difficult for those who's contraception really fail.

I've never had contraceptive failure. I've had 2 children, where if anything my DH was pressurising me to expedite their conception. The timing worked out okay in the end but I might have procrastinated forever if he hadn't started putting the pressure on. No deceit though.

It would be wrong of me to truly judge the OP having never been in her situation though I can't help but feel that for me, a lot of the joy of announcing the pregnancy would be taken away - the OP would not have experienced the excitement of breaking the news to her DH of the conception of a much wanted, much anticpated child. But that may never have happened anyway - so she did what she felt she needed to do, rightly or wrongly. Wrongly, really, to be fair.

Spook,

"I don't agree that her partner should have such a sway over her decision to keep the babies".

I DID agree to him not wanting to work double shifts to support a family he did not want.

I DO think he's a fucktard, but she's also putting herself in this position.

I can't MAKE her use contraception and I have tried to make her leave but she feels so finacially dependent on him.

I don't think it's a nice situation for either of them.

Apologies, spidookly

Great post changeyname.

You're right, oncemore, there's nothing you can do about it. :(

Sorry, I was just so shocked by what you wrote I was thinking you should be able to stop it.

It's just so appalling. She obviously has some serious issues that need addressing.

Poor, poor woman.

DS was a surprise pregnancy. I was only with DP for a few months before I fell pregnant. I was on the pill & took it religiously. We did a lot of soul searching & decided together that we wanted to proceed with the pregnancy.

I cannot believe that women would deliberatly decieve their partners. Contraception is not a weapon & should not be used as such.

I feel very sad that we didn't get to decide to start trying for a baby. We didn't leap around like loons smiling & happy when the test came back positive. Instead we had to have serious conversations about what we felt and whether we could continue a pregnancy in our situation (totally skint). Now we have DS he is our world and we adore him but we are regretful of the fact that we didn't get to enjoy the beginning of my pregnancy.

Hopefully if we ever have another child we will get to share the experience together knowing that we planned for it & be 100% happy right from the start.

I think knowingly robbing somebody of that experience is very wrong.

Olivia, could I ask a more general question:

Did your decision to lie to your DH derive from a more general life-view about lying ?

For instance I've heard psychology Prof. Wiseman saying that lying is a sign of intelligence and that people who don't lie are "simply not using the available information efficiently".

"We didn't leap around like loons smiling & happy when the test came back positive."

We didn't either.

Finding out you are going to have a baby is pretty terrifying IME.

Never heard of an adult woman doing this before. Teenage girls, yes.

Although, that said, an incredibly broody friend did once take advantage of a man's irresponsibility. Which I still don't feel was fair on the child.

They'd been together before, at which time she'd told him she didn't use hormonal contraception, and it was condoms only. Few months later, they split up. A year later, they got together again. This time, she didn't raise the subject of contraception, and waited for him to raise it. He never did. He just assumed she was on the pill or something. No getting condoms out, at all.

Which goes to show that there are still men who will leave everything to the woman.