in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

I have had two "accidentally on purpose" pregnancies (with the full connivance of DH)

Does DH now know full circumstances and how did he respond ?

Well yes it is terrifying but with planned pregnancies I'm pretty sure that you don't both break down into tears and have to have a sobering conversation about whether abortion would be the best option.

cumfy - I think 'with full connivance of DH' means that they both agreed to stop trying not to have a baby. It wasn't deliberate as they weren't trying to have a baby, but it wasn't exactly an accident either as they knew the potential consequences. A completely different situation to the OP.

He always knew the full circumstances.

We just started taking really stupid risks thinking nothing would happen.

"Well yes it is terrifying but with planned pregnancies I'm pretty sure that you don't both break down into tears and have to have a sobering conversation about whether abortion would be the best option."

No, absolutely. Sorry wasn't comparing, just thinking about how you imagined it being in an ideal situation.

It sounds lovely to jump around like a loon. I'd quite like that to be my reaction one day.

holyShmoley - "You seem to forget that men are capable of ensuring they don't have kids by either having a vasectomy or by not having sex with a potential grabbing harridan."

You seem to be saying its only men want sex for fun but women want it to have babies to satisfy a higher desire to procreate. Maybe Steven Fry was right - women use sex as a bargaining tool to get what they want.

No, BeenBet, she doesn't seem to be saying that at all.

Your misogyny is really coming out nicely on this thread though.

Trillian I'm sorry that doesn't make sense.

they both agreed to stop trying not to have a baby equates to fully risking a pregnancy not "accidentally on purpose" pregnancy.

What spidookly means by full connivance is entirely unclear. Hence my question.

OP how would you feel if you DH went and had a vasectomy without telling you?

I know it happens but it is still think it is deceitful and I don't think I could deceive my loved one like this. Decisions like this should be made together and both should be in agreement. Surely it is better for 1 to compromise and come to an agreement where both are happy rather than one person feeling ripped off. I just think it must be a strange relationship with so much deceit going on.

Spidookly

He always knew the full circumstances.

I see, but I'm not sure I'd describe that as accidentally on purpose.

Just seems like letting nature take its course -- Russian roulette with one empty chamber perhaps.:o

DD was a 100% genuine accident, I was on the pill and had just changed brands (to another one that was the same dose etc) and the doctor said that may have caused it. Then again, I used to take the pill when I went to bed, usually at 11, but it would sometimes be 9, or occasionally 2am. That probably lessened its efficacy, but at the time I had no idea it could do so and had been doing the same for 8 years with no surprises.

Lots of people probably thought I'd got pregnant deliberately, I'd made no secret of wanting children.

DS was more of a not using things properly accident. I'd gone on the pill after dd but went a bit hormonal crazy so came off it again. We were using condoms at what we thought were risky times, but ds was conceived 2 days after my period (day 9 of cycle). We had agreed to have another fairly soon after dd but getting pregnant when she was only 9 months old wasn't exactly the plan.

ExH and I are no longer together and I do think 2 unplanned babies played a part in that and would never never do that deliberately.

My MIL did this with her fifth baby. We know that she told DH and I that it was an accident, but she'd told her friend (DHs godmother) that she'd not been using contraception. And TBH we knew she would have another baby once SIL had hers.

SIL also did this at 15. SHe told us the condom split, but this was clearly news to her then partner who told us seperately he thought she was on the pill.

spidookly - you say "We need to stop bringing up boys to think it is their right to have as much sex as they want." and go on to call me a misogynist.

Yet you repeatedly made it clear that you think women have an absolute right to have as many babies as and when they want and than a man is cruel to stop them even if he doesnt want them.

I'm not sure how I would label a woman who thinks like you.

What I am sure is I will tell my DSs to take every precaution to avoid being trapped by a woman who gets pregnant 'acidentally on purpose'. It is wickedly deceitful to bring a child into the world under those circumstances in my view.

the truth that dare not speak its name(kinda)!. A woman I know claims that all 4 of her dcs were accidents, I don't buy it but its none of my business!

Spidookly is absolutely right. Sex is an adult act, with adult consequences, a major one being pro creation. If that occurs then yes you should support and parent that child, because you are 50% responsible for bringing it into existence. That shouldn't be seen as optional and the fact that people are saying otherwise is worrying.

If you don't want to face those consequences then don't have sex.

Spidookly is absolutely right. Sex is an adult act, with adult consequences, a major one being pro creation. If that occurs then yes you should support and parent that child, because you are 50% responsible for bringing it into existence. That shouldn't be seen as optional and the fact that people are saying otherwise is worrying.

If you don't want to face those consequences then don't have sex.

OkieCokie raises a good question.

OP - what if your partner secretly had a vasectomy, because he decided unilaterally that your family was complete. He didn't tell you, but just went ahead and did it.

You eventually came around to his way of thinking when you never fell pregnant again (even though you'd originally wanted another child) but never knew what he'd done.

How would you feel, when it eventually came out?

I don't doubt that this happens an awful lot more than we suspect. But any relationship in which it happens is built on sand.

To not be able to communicate and compromise to the extent that you take one of the biggest decisions of anyone's life into your own hands, and then continue to keep it secret makes a total mug of your husband, and a farce of your relationship.

Would you ever come clean and tell him what you did? If not, why not?

I do wish however, that more men would take even an iota of responsibility for contraception. It is not all down to the woman. If you want sex for sex's sake, I.e. for enjoyment rather than procreative purposes, then wise up and get involved in the contraceptive choices.

Of course it takes two people to procreate but this thread is talking about cases where the decision is being made by only 50% of the people involved. I can't believe those of you saying 'Either don't have sex or get a vasectomy.' Are those really fair choices for a man who knows he doesn't want a child yet/at all? If a woman claims to be on the pill, and the man uses a condom, and unknown to him she's not taking the pills and has stuck pins through the condoms, you'd really still say it's his own fault?

Heck no.

I was on the pill (have been for years without incident) AND we were using condoms, apart from twice, and Baby may not even have been conceived on those days!

When I think of the stress and heartache we went through because of an unplanned pregnancy, I think that any woman who risks that is just stupid.

I'm sure a couple of people (not people who know me, I hasten to add) may have muttered that I somehow manufactured the situation. THAT is the worst thing - that if a small minority of women decide to 'take matters into their own hands', suddenly every woman who has an accidental pregnancy is tarred with the same brush.

"how awful it is that so many woman, craving a baby with their body and soul, are denied what they want. Not only because they might not have a partner to have sex with, but by actually putting the means that stop impregnation in place, often so the man can carry on enjoying consequence-free sex to his heart's content when he has no idea of the emotional agony that a woman who wants a baby bears."

have only got as far as this post but i just had to respond.

1. nobody has a right to a child. a man who refuses to procreate with a woman has a right NOT to procreate. he is excercising his right, not denying her of any rights. 2)if a woman is in desperate need for a child and is with a man who says no then she needs to decide whether she wants to leave that man and have a child with someone else or by herself. hanging around and waiting for him to change his mind is her choice. he is not making her stay.

Tidey you're exactly right - people in committed relationships should be able to trust each other, and it's quite incredible that apparently some can't. The OP's DH shouldn't have to have the snip or go without - he should be safe in the knowledge that they have both discussed contraception and use it.

It's women like the OP who give other women a bad name.

There is a world of difference between playing in a road and knowing you may get hit, and being waved across a zebra crossing by a smiling driver who then guns the engine and knocks you down - especially if that driver is the person you love and trust most in the world (and who claims forever after that their foot slipped!). It is a horrendous betrayal of trust, worse than an affair. It also helps perpetuate negative images of women being scheming and deceitful with those they claim to love.

You have been very lucky that your partner didn't leave you. I think it was a foolish and selfish thing to do and no, never had any surprise pregnancies full stop never mind ones that were deceiving my husband.

My half brother's mum did this to my Dad. I can't see him as the victim - he knew she wanted him to leave my mum, he knew she wanted DCs, he knew she loved him, and he could have used a condom. So she lied about having a coil - she's a manipulative cow but my dad was an idiot.

I can see it's different if you are in a long term, trusting relationship and the woman lies about using HBC. That's pretty terrible (though I can see the OP's point, very much so ) but it pisses me right off when men complain about having impregnated women they barely know because they believed her when she said she was on the pill (and it happens) - if you don't know her well enough to trust her, why take the risk? Can you imagine, if there were a male pill, a woman taking it on trust from a one night stand? Yeah right.

I would not do this. I admit it crossed my mind after I had my first mc and DH insisted we waited. He was absolutely right, and I wasn't completely well in my mind and I'm so glad I didn't! I know I could manipulate DH into forgetting the condom though, and I would consider that if he stalled for too long. Terrible? I don't think so - I'm not talking about getting him hammered, I mean getting him to the point where he makes a choice not to use one. He's a grown up and knows what happens if you have unprotected sex....

Nope. My 'surprise' pregnancy was a genuine surprise. Shock actually. I cried my eyes out when I found out, and not with joy

WTF would you have done OP if he had hated being a father? And turned out to be resentful and angry about the turn events had taken?

booyhoo - absolutley. I agree.

Women do not have a right to unilaterally decide they are going to have a baby against the wishes of their DH/DP.