in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

Olivia, you really don't get it... you keep insisting that it was the best in the end... But that was just luck. Your reaction is similar to someone that pushes a person in front of a train, and says that it was justified, the train did stop in time after all, and the person she pushed found a $10 dollar note on the rails. Yes, it did work well in the end, but the risk was immense. It still is.

You were very lucky your husband decided to stay with you and take care of his children. But he could very well have not. You put your DC's family lives at risk for your own selfishness. And I agree, truth has a way of floating in the end. You told MN about what you did, and one day it may slip again.

NurseSunshine HUGE thread hijack here but did you really have something from Dan Brown's imagination tattooed on your back?

I think this is, apart from being dishonest, a very risky strategy to take.

Friend got pg 'accidentally' with DC3 and didn't reveal this until 17 weeks, because she 'hadn't realised she was pg' - ?? she'd already had 2 dc's! Maybe this had something to do with fact that her DH didn't want third child, she did.

Her DH was furious, insisted unborn child would be put up for adoption. Friend had appalling pregnancy: she didn't want to leave him as he was good father to other DCs, equally didn't want to lose dc3, but her choice had been made clear by deceived and angry DH. Social worker was present at the birth, with the adoption papers, baby taken out of room with DH, friend thought that was last she'd see of DC3 = heartbroken.

DH had change of heart when he saw the baby, and they kept DC3, but their relationship never was the same again after her deception.

Different Name: what a terrible start in life, but sounds as though you've been fantastically brave and are pulling through. Yours is a very cautionary tale.

I should add that my dad left when I was 5, so it wasn't as if I had another loving parent around.

My mother made access very very hard for dad.

superdragonmama

Thank you. I realise now that there was no way my mother should have been made to have me & then left with me, when dad left. He wanted me, but walked away when I was 5, so not entirely blameless.

I have a great life now, so can't really regret my past, just be a caution to those who think deceit involving children is OK.

Different Name: I think it's amazing that, from such a loveless beginning, you, with great integrity and love for your DP, have created a family that means that your DC's won't experience any of the pain you felt as a child: they'll know how much both of their parents desired and loved them. You are a person of tremendous strength.

(I speak as someone also not wanted by my mother, who made the 'best of a bad job' bringing me up - not comfortable at all for me!)

I wonder why OP has 'confessed' her 'accident' here? Are you completely comfortable with this deception? I feel there's something odd here: why tell anyone at all, even anonymously, if you're completely happy about your decision?

Glad it worked out for you, but horribly risky strategy, especially for unborn children.

i don't think that what the op did was right, but there is a difference between someone who says they want children, just not yet, and someone who is set against them.

i agree, she should have just said that she didn't want to use contraception - it was up to him.

if only there was some magic button for people to press. lying in each others' arms, knowing that there is the possibility of a baby, they should BOTH have to press a button for 'yes' before conception takes place.

mind you, it still astounds me how many people don't seem to realise that sex and babies are linked. OR that you have to use contraception properly for it to work (i once read on here 'i got pregnant when using the pill, i'd only missed it twice that month, who knew?' err ...)

i think men are even more guilty of disassociating sex with parenthood & should be taking responsibility for their own fertility, not just letting the woman deal with it.

If a man really, really does not want children with a woman he should:

1. Not have sex with her

or,

2)Get himself sterilised or ensure he uses condoms.

But point one is key, because contraceptive failures can and do happen and it's the woman who carries the baby, so it's the woman who decides whether to keep it or not.

So yes, men if you are sexually active there is a chance of you having a child you didn't plan for. Such is life. I'm not pitying men here, actions have consequences.

fwiw, there's a village in France that was famous for its 'healing waters' where infertile women went & an incredible number of them returned home 'blessed' by God. (Often, their husbands were not with them).

The bath house built over the miraculous spring, was staffed by, can you guess? young men! it would appear that they were 'blessing' these married & desperate women.

This sort of situation is as old as humanity.

superdragonmama, kind of you to say such lovely words & it affirms my believe that I did the right thing.

Because my entrance into this world was far from ideal, there was no way I could deceive my dh. I could have, he would never have had reason to find out. But my guilt would have killed me. Knowing that their father initially didn't want them, knowing what I had done, I could never have looked my girls in the eyes. It is important to me that I can share my journey with them, so it had to be right.

I would rather have left him than done that to him. In fact, I did leave him. He asked me to come home & promised me he would rethink, he did & here we are. With children who know their place in the world, who were not born out of deceit. And I sleep peacefully, knowing I did the right thing. But I cannot tell what joy it was to hear him say he was ready!

Those 6yrs between desperately wanting dcs & having them were the hardest of my life. But still, I had to be honest for all our sakes.

So because a man doesn't want children with a particular woman (eg, because he's 16/17/18) he should be sterilised ? Or all non-child-wanting-at-the-moment people* should be celibate/sterilised?

(Why the fuck did we bother inventing contraception at all, in that case?)

Condoms simply aren't good enough, even without sabotage; men really don't have the choice women have. Even assuming the woman isn't lying about her other contraceptive measures.

(But I'm a bit at the teenage failure-to-use-condoms-properly rate; I've been using them for over a decade with only one breakage.)

I adore my DGS. But I'd prefer that DS had bred with someone who wasn't going to chuck him out once she had the house, furniture, baby and benefits in place. And who'd given him a choice in the first place, instead of lying about being on the pill.

Yes, of course he was stupid - he won't be again. He trusted his DP, imagine that.

Sorry if that got a bit personal.

*Man = anyone with testicles, aged over about 12. Mothers of sons, be aware.

but there is a difference between someone who says they want children, just not yet, and someone who is set against them

I agree, but that still does not give anyone the right to make the decision of 'when' for anyone else.

When I got back home & dh decided yes, he would do this,there was a gap between him having decided to do so & us physically TTCing. I still waited until he said he wanted to start TTCing.

And I knew when dd1 was 3 months old that he wanted more (well, I knew he wanted more before, but that was when he actually verbally confirmed it) but still I waited until we were both ready to TTC #2.

It is about choice. Not ifs/buts/whys & whens...but having the right to decide when you are actually ready to undertake being a parent.

And I bet that the OP never considered his stalling was more than his being unsure of the timing/procrastinating! No, because she wanted & she was determined to get, regardless of what her dh wanted!

2 of my pregnancies were real accidents.
Last pregnancy was a faked accident.

It was a mind-boggling stupid thing to do. I still don't know how I could. It resulted in a lovely and loved child, but I don't know why I thought it was in any way a reasonable thing to do.

Now I have to live with this huge secret I don't know if I can it keep forever. I can't exagerate how incredibly stupid I have been. I can only think I was suffering some kind of stress-induced idiocy.

I don't like the vitriole this topic atracts, it's not helpful. But I can confirm that anybody thinking to do this should really ... NOT do it. You will look back and declare yourself a bonafide moron.

I am quite a long-time regular, btw, obvious name changed. I can remember Tigger's rant about organic farming, when Cod was Edgarcat, Pie's traumas with SPD...

I know a close relative of mine did this, she admitted it to me. I was pretty shocked, but also could see it was her only way of having a child within the relationship she was (and still is). She was desperate for a baby.

My mother accused me of doing this when I was genuinely accidentally pregnant with DD. I have a strange on/off relationship with DD's father and my mother assumed I had done it to trap him. I was horrified that she would think this of me (although I believe it's what she did to my father in hindsight). I decided to keep DD but I am now a single parent with a full time job and no life of my own. I knew this would happen but it's still very hard.

I wouldn't ever pretend an accidental pregnancy but I completely understand why someone would. I do think it's only a matter of luck, though, that things turn out ok afterwards. No-one has any way of knowing what the outcome could be.

I agree with the OP though that this happens a lot and am not remotely surprised. The biological imperative to have a child is pretty strong for many people.

The biological imperative justification isn't good enough. I had a massive desire to get pregnant but I waited because dp wasn't ready. Because I respected his wishes.
OP, I think your morality is different and I think you do actually believe the ends justify the means. You say you think what you did was wrong but you keep justifying it and I don't think you really believe it. Really dislike the way you have extrapolated your moral code to assume so many other women do the same.

I believe it happens all the time. If we were to get an accurate survey from the ante-natal clubs on mn I'm sure there'd be a couple on each and every thread.

It must be an awful burden to carry - lying to both your partner and the child in question. :(

I'm not sure there's ever a right time to discuss TTC with your child - however, should the time come - I will be able to tell my son that his mum & dad were in a beach cafe in Portugal when we decided that he was what we wanted more than anything else in the world.

If I had a tummy upset and I was on the pill I would use condoms.

Because I am not stupid.

Actually if I had a tummy upset I wouldn't want sex in the first place - bleugh.

(just replying to OP here, will read the rest in a bit)

No form of contraception is 100% even if you do it right. Unlikely events happen all the time.

I would never look at a friend who had an accidental pregnancy and think "you messed it up on purpose", unless they had previously form when it came to deception and getting their own way.

If you choose to get pregnant without your DHs knowledge you are taking a massive gamble, and you have to be prepared to go it alone if your DH does not react as well as the OP's apparently did. You are basically saying that having a baby is more important than the relationship.

strandedatsea - what you did seems entirely the right thing to do. I dont undertsand why woen cant have a straight discusison with their male partner. What drives the need to lie?

OldLady - about 30 years ago when I was 17 a teacher told me "never trust a woman who says she is on the pill". Sex education was a bit more rough and ready back then but reading this thread - he was damn right. To me it seems women increasingly hold a lot of the cards. Blokes increasingly know this and men who have money and a professonal career are increasingly being very careful with their fertility as a result and refusing to commit to marriage or children. I wonder if women increasingly resorting to underhand tactics in response knowing they can force a man to pay for the upkeep of a baby even if he didnt want one.

I think this happens alllllll the time!

Dd was as a result of being a bit reckless, we both know the risks so being pg was hardly a surprise.

Ds was planned for a took an absolute age to get pg with.

I'd love another dh doesn't. I have thought about lying about it but I just couldn't do it. I do hope for a genuine accident though.. And the end result woud be no different !

I agree with a lot spidookly said.

My mum said that she made the decisions about when to have me and my brother, as was the norm then.

It's a tricky one. I may be generalising here, but the biological urge to have children is much stronger in women than men. Most of us can empathise with the terrible sorrow of women who remain childless due to infertility. Remaining childless because your partner refuses to contemplate having children must also be chronically painful.

The honest thing to do would be to present the bloke with an ultimatum - either we have children or we split. Easier said than done especially as most men probably come round to parenthood once the baby is plonked into their arms.

I know the unnacceptable side of this - when they were very young, DH's ex got pregnant by knowingly misusing her contraception and she spent years telling everyone what a bastard he was because he didn't stay in the relationship

I suspect one of my friends did this. When her partner found out she was pregnant he flipped out and demanded she get an abortion - she didn't, but it does remind you that such a deception doesn't always turn out rosy. Personally I think each to their own - when you have sex either partner can take steps to prevent a pregnancy. But I think it speaks volumes of a state of a relationship if a woman chooses to decieve her partner.

"If you choose to get pregnant without your DHs knowledge you are taking a massive gamble, and you have to be prepared to go it alone if your DH does not react as well as the OP's apparently did. You are basically saying that having a baby is more important than the relationship."

Lets face it. Its a lot less of a gamble if the law says the man has to pay for its upkeep regardless.