in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

Really interesting conversation.

I remember being a bit frustrated when I wanted to start ttc before my husband did. He wanted to buy our own place and learn to drive first. Reasonable practical things but it didn't make what I was feeling go away. And anyway, I certainly didn't/don't think those things are necessary to have a baby. But I didn't ditch my contraception. Instead we talked and talked, I pointed out how our flat had plenty of room, etc, and eventually he came around and by the time we started he was very excited.

Now unfortunately for us it didn't happen very quickly and there were times that I'd look back and be momentarily annoyed that he'd had to be persuaded. But even knowing the battle we had to get pregnant etc, I wouldn't go back and 'have an accident'. Even though I'm sure it would've been fine in terms of having a baby, if my husband was to find out I'd lied massively like that, I think the trust between us would be permanently broken.

Saying all that, I do sympathise with those women who are in relationships with men who just constantly say 'one day, one day', never make a decision or realise that fertility is running out, and who still put the onus on the woman to sort out the contraception. It is cruel!

At the same time, if it's that bad talking should sort it out. Instead of making the baby a lie, it needs to be had out with your partner, whether it's giving an ultimatum or just saying you want a baby so no longer want to be on the pill.

I can understand the temptation, but not so much the going through with it.

I dunno, ccpccp. I think trilobite has a point.

I do know that the Pill used to stick in throat. Which is a slightly melodramtic way of putting it, but I hated taking it. Each day it was a little reminder that I wasn't going to be having another baby any time soon, despite me feeling very strongly that we were in a good position to do so at the time.

So I stopped - and told dp as much. He was the one who didn't want another child, he could sort out the contraception.

Trilobiteontoast, what you said is not right. A man keeping a woman waiting too long for a child to enable her to have one is not the same result as a woman tricking a man into becoming a father. The latter case brings an innocent child into the relationship, a human being.

LeQueen, I really like you and wish you were my mum friend .

Stop being nice to each other. This is AIBU for goodness sake

first, second and fourth. First definite, second just shite planning, third planned and fourth I really wanted.

I can honestly say that even though I am pregnant with a kind of 'surprise' baby, I have never and would trick my dh, it is just wrong on so many levels. Dc3 (the one I am pregnant with), was very much wanted by dh, I was dragging my feet about making a decision, but one night we had an accident and I am now pregnant, no ones fault, just happened. If dh tricked me (holes in condom, for example) and I found out, our marriage would be over as I would not be able to trust him and he would not be the man I thought he was and I would think it would be the same for him. I have always believed that it isn't as common as we are led to be, but often used as a 'get out clause' by men, claiming that they were tricked by their ex wife/girlfriend ect. Having read some of this thread, maybe not!

"The latter case brings an innocent child into the relationship, a human being."

Yes, a wonderful, beautiful individual person.

Whereas the former case brings nothing good at all.

How do you know that baby will be "a wonderful, beautiful individual person" spidookly? Maybe it'll be so traumatised by being rejected by daddy that it grows into some kind of master criminal?

"Yes, a wonderful, beautiful individual person."

that is dependant on two people fulfilling all it's physical, mental and emotional needs. one of whom did not want to have the responsibility and may resent the fact which will transfer to that child that tehy weren't completely wanted.

is that what a child should feel about itself? an inncoent child? a child with real feeling and emotions that will grow into an adult with these issues. is that right? ask adifferentnameforthis how she feels.

"How do you know that baby will be "a wonderful, beautiful individual person" spidookly? Maybe it'll be so traumatised by being rejected by daddy that it grows into some kind of master criminal?"

Or maybe the child will become a world-renowned pianist when loneliness forces them to spend their entire childhood tinkling away at the keys.

There seems to be a real horror of children on this thread.

Having a child is a happy event, not one to be feared and dreaded.

"that is dependant on two people fulfilling all it's physical, mental and emotional needs."

so no person should be allowed to be born unless two people can guarantee to fulfil ALL their physical, mental and emotional needs?

That's pretty much a 0 child policy.

"Having a child is a happy event"

having a child you don't want is not a happy event. are you that naive that you think everyone who has a child is happy about it?

PS adiff did specify that she was glad she had been born.

"are you that naive that you think everyone who has a child is happy about it?"

No, I'm just saying that on balance it's not some big fucking disaster when a woman gets pregnant.

the two people should be agreed before the conception of what they will be responsible for. a man who donates sperm to a sperm bank is agreeing to it being used to create a child. the mother who uses it can tell her child that it's father chose for it to be created. in the OP's situation, her husband did not choose for his children to be created.

no, it's not always a big disaster. sometimes it is.

This thread is so depressing. This is no way to have an adult relationship- I want I want I want and disregard your partner. Yes contraceptives are joint responsibility but if you've agreed on a method that should be good enough. And stop using hormones and broodiness as an excuse for childish behaviour.

"the two people should be agreed before the conception of what they will be responsible for."

DH and I had never discussed trying to have children before we had 1 and another on the way and we do all right.

"This is no way to have an adult relationship- I want I want I want and disregard your partner."

I totally agree. Why would anyone in a committed relationship, who wants children "one day" expect their partner to sit around taking pills obediently while their fertility dwindles?

I mean WTF does "ready" even mean when you are talking about doing something you can do fuck all to prepare for, and which is going to put a bomb into the middle of your life?

Just get the fuck on with it FFS.

A "horror of children" on a Parenting website..hmmm

I think it is horrible to trick someone into having a child that may well affect bonding and have negative repercussions for the marriage. Oh well as long as you (generally speaking) get your newborn bundle I guess that cancels those risks out?

Like I said ExH left his last marriage because his ExW did this and told him to his face.

"Why would anyone in a committed relationship, who wants children "one day" expect their partner to sit around taking pills obediently while their fertility dwindles?"
because that is what their partner told them they would do. if teh partner has a problem with doing it then tehy should be adult about it and say no.

Of course they should tell them.

I'm just surprised at the level of righteous indignation in support of indecisive selfish knobheads.