in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

"What's wrong with getting on with things if your partner won't cooperate? "

nothing at all, people should be able to thieve and rape all they want.

That's a non-sequitur. Theft and rape are crimes, punishable by law.

We all know women can't be trusted with important things because really they are just slaves to their biology and their hormones, so of course they will lie.

Oh no, hang on, that's sexist bollocks isn't? Now I'm confused.

This argument took a left turn into the 17th Century.

but if a person REALLY doesn't want to become a parent, it should be up to them to take responsibility. even if their partner is 100% trustworty, you can't just expect someone else to take over your responsibility in this.

so, a woman should use contraceptive if she thinks her partner might remove/forget to use a condom (and seriously, how would she NOT know if he didn't put one on? she is in the room, right?)

and a man should use a condom, not just rely on her saying she's done something about it.

think about the situation where a woman DOES take the pill, but takes it a few hours late, or drank more than she thought, or had the start of a stomach bug but didn't yet know it. For a highly fertile couple that could result in a pregnancy. She has been totally trustworthy, but the man still ends up a father - well, he could have worn a condom if he was totally against it.

i think a LOT of people are just careless & hope that things will turn out ok, then blame contraception. i refer you again to the comment i read on mn several months ago - someone who missed their pill twice in one month & was saying that they genuinely thought that the pill had 'failed' - not ONE person picked them up on it. IT seems a lot of people just think having sex is fine, and if you vaguely do some kind of contraceptive, you'll be ok - when really, they HAVE to use it properly if they want to avoid pregnancy.

or they could not have sex.

I would love a child to complete our family, a sibling for DSD BUT now is not the time. DP trusts me to take the pill every day, because neither of us like the feel of condoms. I would never break that trust. As a pp said I'd rather discuss with DP about having a baby and get him on board than manipulate him into having one.

Dh ex w did this. He left her after 3 yrs and it was one of the reasons he did so and never truly bonded with his son there was so much resentment.

Do it at your own risk. You can only push a man so far.

And what, SMummyS, if you thought it was the right time and your dh didn't?

What if you were 40 and time was running out?

"but takes it a few hours late, or drank more than she thought,"

these two example are not being totally trustworthy. she chose to drink too much and she chose not to use a condom when she realsied she took her pill a few hours late.

"What if you were 40 and time was running out?" then you need to decide whether you want to risk waiting til he is ready or whether you want to leave and find a man who will or go it alone. it is still not OK to dupe him into it because of your own wants. why should your wants override his?

kickassangel you're forgetting the TRUST factor in a relationship/marriage. and the fact that surely men shouldn't have to plan for such malicious, spiteful, selfish and reckless behaviour from their "other half"?

you're right in that if a man wants to also guarantee that he's not going to have kids, he should wear condoms - but perhaps that man can understand a pill failure if his loving wife/gf assures him she's taking it - but concious, malicious intent? a totally different idea to digest.

and - i agree with the others here - if i ever found out my so-called other half had tampered with pills or condoms, i would pursue the accusation of assult. forced, malicious impregnantion? horrific, and totally different to a genuine accident.

this idea is particularly touching on my own nerves due to my own ongoing health concerns, and medical advice not to get pregnant again. and since i want to be here for my kids growing up, i shudder at the thought that there are some couples where "oopsing" the other party is in any way acceptable.

horrific, is the only thing i can say on this. no grey area, no questions, no buts - horrific.

If you really don't want a baby, use contraception yourself when having sex. Both men and women can control their fertility.

That applies to both men and women.

If you don't use contraception, you run the risk of becoming a parent. Every adult knows this.

"If you don't use contraception, you run the risk of becoming a parent. Every adult knows this."

as far as OP's husband is aware, he was using contraception. his wife agreed to take the pill and he trusted her. should he enter every agreement with his wife with the idea that she can't be trusted? what would be the point of being together? why be with someone you can't trust? especially on such a huge thing as creating a life.

booyhoo - ok, she makes a mistake, but that's the kind of genuine forgetfulness that life is full of. there is no intent behind it, and it is quite possible that it will happen. also, a couple who had never ttc wouldn't know if they were likely to conceive immediately or not, and might think they were ok. (after all, when you come off the pill, you're told it could take 6 months for periods to return normally) BUT if they also used condoms, they'd be covered.

tbh, if someone really, seriously, completely doesn't want to become a parent, they should not have sex. it is the only guarantee. yet, when i taught teenagers, they laughed out loud at that idea - everyone knows it won't happen to them, right!

"also, a couple who had never ttc wouldn't know if they were likely to conceive immediately or not, and might think they were ok. (after all, when you come off the pill, you're told it could take 6 months for periods to return normally"

yes you are told they could take 6 months. not that they definitely will. ignorance isn't an excues. if she realised at 9pm that she hadn't taken her pill at 4pm then she has the option of A) taking the MAP if they had sex within those 5 hours and B) using condoms for 7 days from that point onwards. they also have the option of seeking medical advice before having sex to identify the risk.

I have had two unplanned pregnancies and I would hate to think that people are wondering whether I secretly did it deliberately, even within the anonymity of an internet forum.

"tbh, if someone really, seriously, completely doesn't want to become a parent, they should not have sex"

so nobody who isn't ready to become a parent there and then should have sex? even when teh partner they trust and have married tells them she is taking the pill? he should still refuse to have sex with his wife?

"horrific, is the only thing i can say on this. no grey area, no questions, no buts - horrific."

100% agree.

I cant believe some of the posters on here trying to justify this level of deception. If your biological clock is ticking then be honest with your other half, and if he doesnt want kids then move the fuck on to someone who does.

Not here. Besides, why the assumption that the woman always wants it more than the man? Equal here, and it was DH who suggested we start trying. Anyway, he has as much right to not be a father as I do to be a mother.

There are few (if any) issues for which there are no grey areas.

Jenai, nothing could make me think that deliberately getting pregnant despite the other party's wishes being known in advance (to the opposite) is acceptable. No amount of heart rending discussion is capable of changing my mind on this.

Getting to 45 and still no kids and no commitment? Sad but no.
Terminal illness and the other party wants something to remember? Sad but no.
You're convinced your partner wants them but is just scared of finances? Sad but no.
You think your partner would change their mind once the kids are here? Sad but no.

NOTHING can excuse this behaviour, if you're a man or a woman. Albeit it's more upsetting for a man to do it due to the health risks/greater emotional investment in carrying the result to term in your body.

LeQueen I am sorry about your miscarriage but glad it all worked out for you okay. My DH was amazing when I lost our babies too.

It was actually him who was the one pushing for a second child in our case but also the one that said no way to number four.

I don't know anyone who's done this (I've had two genuinely unexpected pregnancies, though the first time we should have expected it as both of us knew we were using nothing- just young and silly). I do, however, know a few female friends who didn't do this, were bullied by their male partners into taking hormonal medication against their will (that's what the pill is, and no it's not 100% effective- look on the NHS website ffs), and are now probably too old to have children and are miserable. So effectively the men they were in relationships with when younger destroyed their fertility, and are now able to swan off with younger women while the women live in misery. So actually, I don't see how women doing this are any worse than men doing that, who really do wreck womens' lives.

IMO if men don't want children but want sex, they should be the ones using contraception. How many are ok with that, though, when they whine so much about condoms making sex less fun (yet don't care that the pill makes many women not interested in sex either- as long as there's still a vagina for them to use, they don't care about the other person's actual desire)? I've had men deliberately sabotage condoms, too, so it's not as if men don't do it- just that in such cases women can take the morning after pill whereas men can't kill their sperm from a distance, which is just physical reality that can't be changed.

So men make women take the pill now, Trilobiteontoast?

And there are as many men puncturing condoms as there are women accidentally flushing their pills?

This thread just gets better and better.