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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

527 replies

oliviadehavilland · 09/11/2010 22:02

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

OP posts:
booyhoo · 10/11/2010 17:52

no-one is supporting his dawdling. we are just refusing to support or agree with the concept of creating a child by deception. it isn't a case of "OP we think you are wrong therefore we think your DH is right to be dragging his feet" we can think tehy are both in teh wrong but the OP's question wasn't "is my husband right to be leading me up teh garden path wrt having kids" she made and outrageous general assumption based on her own behaviour. that is what posters are disagreeing with.

Mumcentreplus · 10/11/2010 18:09

Is it just me or does anyone else think Op's DH might not be so clueless about what happened...i mean once..maybe twice?..Hmm

phipps · 10/11/2010 18:12

ShockShock at LeQueen.

I thought we were friends Sad

phipps · 10/11/2010 18:15

Well, my parents didn't want me but I have turned out relatively okay.

Ihopeyoudance · 10/11/2010 18:19

I agree with spidookly. Grin I can't believe there aren't more people who do!
It's not a choice I would make but I don't feel any moral outrage about those who do it.
I was in a situation where I felt my time was dwindling. After spending most of my twenties with the wrong man, I got together with someone much more suitable in my early thirties. We both wanted kids but he seemed to think there was more time available than I did. I chose to be quite blunt about it and told him that I was getting rid of my coil as I no longer wanted to prevent pregnancy. If he wanted to prevent it, he should use condoms. He was quite wishy-washy when we were discussing it, saying that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I got pregnant, but shied away from actually making a decision. It was almost as if I was being given permission to be lax with contraception... In the end though, I refused to let him get away with that and he knew exactly when my coil was removed and had to make an active decision to forgo the condom.
I'm now 31 weeks pregnant and I'm glad I forced the issue, but also that I was upfront. He would have hung around till I was 40 waiting for 'the right time'. I mean, when the hell is that? Nothing is ever perfect.

frgr · 10/11/2010 18:45

holy fuck, i can't believe the amount of people who think this is morally nothing huge

would you people agree that it's ok for a man to do the same to a woman? there are men trialling male hormonal contraceptions now, or by puncturing a condom?

if not, why not? is it purely a physical thing, more henious because a woman carries a child... or is there more to it?

genuinely interested in your responses on this, i don't understand the people who seem fine with this. i'm astounded, and i hope my DC never meets anyone of your devious, malicious kind. Angry

ccpccp · 10/11/2010 18:57

Thats not what spidookly is saying Ihopeyoudance.

She is defending a womans right to lie to a husband about using contraception if she feels her time is running out (or in fact - just feels a bit broody if you read some of the earlier posts).

That isnt what you did. You made your husband make a decision.

Ihopeyoudance · 10/11/2010 18:57

Actually, I think I have a different opinion about the morals of this depending on the situation. In the case of the OP, I can't summon any outrage as I can understand how it may seem the only way to force the issue, though I have to restate that it wouldn't be my choice.
On the other hand, not long after I announced my pregnancy, a friend of mine announced hers. Now she had got back together with someone she was besotted with who had broken her heart a year earlier and within 10 minutes she had a 'surprise' pregnancy. ( As if a grown woman doesn't understand that sex - contraception will probably = pregnancy! Hmm )
Her comment afterwards that 'he won't be able to leave me now' made me feel a bit sick to be honest and tainted my happiness about my own situation. This scenario is totally different IMO. Or maybe I'm just hypocritical? Confused

spidookly · 10/11/2010 19:26

I think Ihope and I are pretty close on this.

This isn't something I would do, condone, or recommend. I just find it hard to have any strong negative feelings about what the op did.

I think in her case the ends (happy family, 2 much loved and wanted children) justify the means (lying by ommission to hasten an agreed upon course of action).

To say she shouldn't have done it is to say that her children should never have been born, which is quite something to say to anyone.

booyhoo · 10/11/2010 19:30

"To say she shouldn't have done it is to say that her children should never have been born, which is quite something to say to anyone."

she said her DH had agreed to have children so her children would still have been born if she hadn't lied. it would have just been when both parents were ready.

mumbar · 10/11/2010 19:34

Nope, DS was a lovely but, completely a surprising surprise. I was on the pill, just had the week break, whilst on antibiotics and 3 days into taking it again had sex but didn't use a condom. Thought oops and took ECP. 3 weeks later morning sickness, 2 days after period due took a test and was pregnant.

He was obviously meant to be Grin

spidookly · 10/11/2010 19:45

I guess I don't see "readiness" as an important moral imperative.

Bluegrass · 10/11/2010 19:54

But "consent" is. One of the most important.

Faaamily · 10/11/2010 20:01

I couldn't do this to my DH. Ever. It just seems so dishonest and he would be so hurt if he found out.

Not that I want any more, mind!

booyhoo · 10/11/2010 20:02

agree bluegrass.

spidookly · 10/11/2010 20:13

I'm not sure there's a consent issue here. She didn't rape him.

I think a man who ejaculates inside a woman has given consent to his sperm fertilising her egg should they meet.

Informal arrangements about contraception don't change that consent.

A man who doesn't consent to fatherhood needs to keep his semen to himself.

frgr · 10/11/2010 20:19

spidookly you sound very like the weirdos that claim "sex is only for pro-creation" and strongly believe that if you don't want to have kids, then you shouldn't be having sex

surely the advancement in taking control of one's fertility needs to be acknowleged here? you speak like it's the 1700s

are you saying that, say, if i don't want to get pregnant, i should just not have sex too? Hmm

booyhoo · 10/11/2010 20:25

of course there is a consent issue. if he had consented in the first place there would have been no need for the OP to lie to her DH.

QueenOfTheNight · 10/11/2010 20:29

I'm just a bit suprised - stunned actually - that people think the pill is 100% effective when 'taken properly.' No contraceptive is 100% effective. I was on it when I conceived DS and having a baby at 19 while saving for a house and wedding was the last thing I wanted.

I took it properly. I didn't miss one, always took it at roughly the same time, had no runs or vomiting, no antibiotics or anything like that. I still cannot think of anything I did or didn't do that could have caused it to fail.

Thankfully for us it wasn't the disaster it could've been though it was pretty fecking awful at the time. We ended up having to buy a house sooner than we'd planned with no deposit (we spent that on second hand furniture) which was a blessing in the end as a year after we'd been in our house the late 80's property boom happened and our house doubled in value and we wouldn't have been able to afford anything on our income if we had been able to wait a couple of years. And we cancelled the wedding cos we couldn't afford it.

I really can see why some women would do this and can also see that it isn't the right thing to do but I do bloody well resent the fact that some of you think that there is no such thing as a contraceptive failure when you've taken/used the damn thing properly. There but for the grace of God/Invisible Friend of Your Choice/Fate/Luck or whatever go you. Just be glad that I was the 1 in 100 and not you.

tyler80 · 10/11/2010 20:29

"are you saying that, say, if i don't want to get pregnant, i should just not have sex too?"

I don't think it's unreasonable to say that if you're having sex you have to accept that there's nearly always the possibility of pregnancy even if it's a very small risk.

spidookly · 10/11/2010 20:42

No booy, I really don't think there is a consent issue.

A man doesn't get to consent to his wife becoming pregnant.

He can consent to leave semen or not, but once it's there he has no further input.

booyhoo · 10/11/2010 20:47

well if he had been informed of her lack of contraception he could have made the decision whether to leave it there or not. as far as he knew she was actively trying to prevent pregnancy so he left his semen there in good faith.

ccpccp · 10/11/2010 20:47

You are seriously wasting your time booyhoo.

Some people just dont know right from wrong.

booyhoo · 10/11/2010 20:51

i think you are right ccpccp.

i am wondering how far you would take this spidookly. if he came in a condom and threw it in the bin, would OP have a right to go and fetch it and inseminate herself? i mean does he lose all rights to his semen once it has left his body?

LadyOfTheFlowers · 10/11/2010 20:58

My friend has 3 children with her husband who didn't actually want any children.

Each time she stopped taking the pill.

We would go round for coffee and she would simply flick a pill out of the window.

I have 4 children.

The first 2 were definately planned.

The third I seduced my husband - he knew I was not using any kind of contraception.

The fourth, we both got swept away, both knowing there was nothing in place.

I, personally, would never, never trick him into making me pregnant. I think it is utterly wrong.

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