in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

Spiking someone's drink is assault.

angelbabe Sounds to me like a 100% "normal" and "adult" way of deciding a child should be brought in to this world. :)

I will say that when we initially "started trying", I said, right Mr Evildead2 I'm off the pill so you're in charge of contraception. Knowing full well he'd be lazy with it and get bored of condoms. But he is a grown up and knows the consequence there were no secrets or lies. After a while of nothing happening he started getting nervous and we offically started TTC. he did want kids...he just thought we had all the time in the world because I'm younger than he is. When he realised we didn't he got his game on

I do wish men would think a bit harder about what happens when we do leave it too late, but I never think lying is the answer.

so spidookly if a woman has sex with a man who says he will wear a condom and then he slips it off without telling her and she falls pregnant has she no right to feel violated? is it her own tough luck?

olivia I was in the exact same situation as you, DP bit of a procrastinator, wanted children one day but not yet and was obviously going to make an absolutely great dad when it happened. Rather than getting pregnant by accident I talked, argued, sulked and talked some more until he came round - just over a month later. It was a difficult month but I wouldn't have missed out on trying together, being sad together when it took a while ttc and finally sharing a positive test result together.
Exactly the same thing happened for DC2 but it only took about a week for him to come round.
He's said never to a 3rd and at the moment that's fine but if I ever decide I want another one I'd be prepared to argue for it again and take no for an answer if I had to.

If a man just needs a nudge in the right direction then surely it shouldn't be that hard to persuade them. If they really don't want a child then getting pregnant 'by accident' is an awful thing to do.

Our outcomes may look the same, 2 much loved DC but I'd never have been able to live with myself if I'd done it your way.

You can tell whether a man is wearing a condom or not.

But I think sabotaging someone else's contraception (holes in condoms or diaphragm) is different from silently ceasing to take your own.

Not that I condone doing that either. I agree with you that the way to go is to stop taking and make it clear that you have stopped.

Or not marry a twat who expects a woman to while away her fertility while he sits around waiting to feel "ready".

Spidookly, in your world there seems to be no room for trust between partners who are or at least appear to be in committed and loving relationships. It has to be every ahem 'man' for himself because you cannot trust your partner not to deceive you about one of the biggest decisions of your lives.

Living without ever having that trust isn't my idea of a loving relationship, and it is always horrific to see it abused by one partner.

This isn't about taking a gamble and living with an accident, it is about deceit.

Agree with bluegrass.

Wondering if I am also a twat since I didn't want DC when I married DH who did Not wanting children doesn't make you the bad guy IMO.

In my world there is no room for women being scapegoated and vilified because they don't assume all of the responsibility for making sure men are never made to think about contraception.

I don't think deceit is the best way to go. All I'm saying is that in some circumstances (like the OPs) I don't think what she did was the worst thing in the world.

It's not what I would have done. I made it clear to DH from early in our relationship that I wanted children one day and that I was not interested in continuing a relationship with someone who didn't.

I think expecting another person to miss out on parenthood because you don't want it is horribly selfish.

But worse than that is keeping another person with you by promising them children but never quite agreeing to do it.

If my DH told me 'don't worry, I've set up the direct debit to pay the mortgage' I wouldn't think about it again. I would be horrified and angry if I discovered 6m down the line that it hadn't been paid and we were going to lose the house.

Likewise if I told DH 'don't worry, I'm on the pill' he should be able to trust me that I am telling the truth.

And making a person a parent when they don't want it is horribly selfish too. Children are not a right.

"I think expecting another person to miss out on parenthood because you don't want it is horribly selfish."

i will say it again, no-one is making the otehr partner stay. there is no law that says you must stay with your partner once you are with them. a woman can leave a man if she wants to have children before he does. it is not the man's responsibility to ensure she has a child.

And so making someone miss out on a purely potential baby is worse than making someone have a real live flesh and blood child to deal with for the rest of their life as a result of lying to them? One gives the option to walk away and find someone else

The other, well there is no return from that is there?

"it is not the man's responsibility to ensure she has a child."

It is not the woman's responsibility to ensure he doesn't.

"If my DH told me 'don't worry, I've set up the direct debit to pay the mortgage' I wouldn't think about it again."

If you knew he had a gambling problem would you feel the same?

Because to me, that is how dumb it is to leave contraception up to a broody woman in her 30s.

And I'm not even talking about women being "scheming and untrustworthy", I'm talking about women making bad decisions, or taking foolish risks, or having poor judgement because they being expected to look after contraception when they are desperate to have a baby.

"It is not the woman's responsibility to ensure he doesn't"

but it is her responsibility to tell him she isn't preventing it and to give him the chance to protect himself against it.

"Because to me, that is how dumb it is to leave contraception up to a broody woman in her 30s."

as many of the women on this thread have already said, tehy were exceptionally broody but they still made the decision to be honest with their partners.

deceit is a choice, it isn't a gambling addiction.

If he had a gambling problem then no, I wouldn't. I don't see a broody woman in her 30 as on a par with a gambler.

spidookly, by you making teh comparison between gamblers and broody women, you are in fact saying that women who are that broody, that they will deceive their partners, are in need of help to stop their behaviour.

I'm deeply suspicious of women who've managed to take the pill religiously for 15 years and suddenly become forgetful/ineffective with it in their mid-30s.

Contraception should be both people's responsibility but if the woman has said she is on the pill and committed to taking it, then she really should stick to that. Likewise, if men were able to take a male pill contraceptive, we'd be up in arms if they "forgot"...

I feel very, very sorry for the men who do get trapped. The sooner they bring in male contraceptives the better.

infact i have to change my last post.

spidookly, by you making teh comparison between gamblers and broody women, you are in fact saying that women who are that broody, are in need of help to stop themselves being broody."

What's wrong with getting on with things if your partner won't cooperate? Nothing would get done in the world if people didn't often draw the line and stop waiting around for other people to make up their mind, but just got on with things instead.

Too much consensus makes life way too slow...

"Where a woman has indicated she want's a baby then it is utterly unreasonable to ask her to "do" the contraception, i.e. sabotage her own desire."

she does not have to agree to do it. she can just say, "no, i would like children"

Couldn't agree more, Bonsoir.