in thinking that lots of you must have had "surprise" pregnancies which were actually secretly deliberate?

[oliviadehavilland]

I have. Twice.

I was (still am!) in a long term relationship. DH wanted children but "not just yet". I very much wanted them, like yesterday, and got fed up of waiting for DP to decide he was ready (it had been several years since I had first proposed trying to conceive).

We had the space and money and I was very sure that he'd be a fantastic father once it was a fait accompli.

So I stopped taking the pill and blamed a tummy upset when I got the "surprise" BFP a few months later. He has never been any the wiser.

Then, two years later I did it again.

DH loves being a father, often says it's the best mistake we ever made - not that that is the point, of course. He would be beyond devastated and furious (rightly) if he were ever to discover my deception.

I'm not defending my actions. They were wrong and deceitful. I calculatedly decided that if I never told a soul (which I haven't, until now, and have namechamed specially) then he'd never know. I made a judgement that it would work out well for us - far better imo than if I'd spent years getting resentful and unhappy at his unwillingness to commit to actively trying to conceive.

I know several women who have had surprise pregnancies due to contraceptive failure etc. None of them has ever said to me that it was deliberate on their part but I reckon that for some (most?) of them it must have been, just like me.

I'm sure that this happens a lot, just no-one ever admits to it. So I'm wondering...are any of you prepared to admit to "tricking" a partner into a pregnancy? Or am I way off beam and in a teeny tiny minority?

No, I did the decent thing and waited 5 years till my DH was as ready as I was to have a baby.

hanging around and waiting for him to change his mind is her choice. he is not making her stay

What if the couple in question have a DC already? She might love her DP and of course her DC, and not want to break up the family unit.

In all honesty I wish I'd engineered an accident years ago, when DP wanted to wait before trying for DC2, putting it off again and again. I think life would have been better for all of us if I had.

I knew this would happen and love DP as I do, I feel utterly duped by him.

I have a friend who did this and he subsequently left her while she was pregnant and has never had anything to do with her and his child since. Terrible I know but there has to be some kind of mutual agreement otherwise it could end in disaster.

See, the thing is, all of you who are saying that it is such a terrible thing for me to have done because if he ever finds out the whole house of cards will come tumbling down are confusing this with some kind of quiz on ethical living.

It's not a hypothetical exercise. If it were then you'd all have scored top marks because it is A Very Wrong Thing To Do and the subsequent distaster would be Natural and Just Consequences. But the point is he is not going to find out, how could he?

And he totally believes the pregnancies were accidents - so how is it different (in reality, I mean, not in the AS Level Ethics and Morality exam question) to a genuine accident in terms of outcome?

We're both very very happy with how everything has tuned out. Again, in reality, I just made happen someting that we were planning on anyway, that I had good reason to suppose would work out well - I didn't break into some random stranger's private sperm bank.

And fwiw, while he'd be pissed off for a bit there is absolutely no way on earth that he'd leave us if he did find out. And I'd be willing to bet that he'd concede that what I'd done was for the best.

Have not read whole thread (11 pages), but getting preg without OHs consent is fraud IMO. Our DS was conceived 1st month of trying as was our current unborn (22wks). I know we are very lucky, but no matter what, I would NEVER try and get preg without DHs agreement. It's a breach of trust. Although, if the men didn't want to have kids then they should wear a condom!

"What if the couple in question have a DC already? She might love her DP and of course her DC, and not want to break up the family unit."

yes, she may not want to break up the family unit. she makes a choice whetehr her desire for a child is more than her desire for her partner and chils that she already has. she does not have the right to take the decision out of her partner's control. regardless of what his reasons are fro not wanting any more dcs, they are his reasons and it is his right to decide if/when/how many children he wants to have. if the woman is really adamant that a second or third chils is what she wants then she needs to make that decision to break up her family and have that child either with someone else or by herself. duping a man into fatherhood should not be an option and should not be the way any child begins it's life.

BeenBeta - although I think women tricking men into pregnancy is unforgivable, it's worth remembering that men do not hold the moral high ground when it comes to parenting.

Since time immemorial, men have buggered off into the ether, forcing women not only to be single parents, but to take the stigma which comes with that; raising the child and doing their best, while the bloke gets off scott free (albeit not necessarily always in monetary terms).

I was actually thinking about this a few weeks ago, but when it came down to it i couldn't live with the lie.

Plus i havent got the balls

I wanted more children. DH didn't. He got the snip.

My mother told my father she was on the pill. She wasn't. It back fired spectacularly and I ended up in care with no parents.

Never right to do it.

God, sorry to post and run but it's playgroup time soon so I'm disappearing again.

I'll check again this evening if anyone has anything further they want to yell at me ask me - I'm not ignoring anyone!

"And fwiw, while he'd be pissed off for a bit there is absolutely no way on earth that he'd leave us if he did find out. And I'd be willing to bet that he'd concede that what I'd done was for the best."

then why not tell him and have a totally honest relationship?

also, how do you know you wont ever tell him? how do you know that he might oneday read an article on the same subject and start to suspect? how do you know that when you get drunk some night and tell your best friend that she wont feel it her duty to inform him? or that at some point in your life teh guilt does reach you and you feel you need to confess? nothing is definite.

I know someone who did it. I NEVER would.
I think it is a horrible thing to do.

Forgot to mention, my DH wasn't convinced about having DC2 yet, but I told him how I felt and worked out finances etc and we had a discussion about trying for another child. I know that my way seems a bit clinical, but surely better than trickery?

So just tell him, OP. What's the big deal, if you did the right thing, and are so certain he'd agree with you?

At least then your rellie would be based on honesty and trust, even if you did do something deceitful in the past.

Surely that's a better basis for raising children together?

i agree with posters saying that men as well as women should take responsibility for contraception. one of my friends has two (now grown) 'boys' and she ALWAYS told them to use a condom, no matter what the woman said. in fact, she packed them some when they went off to college.

it's not just babies, but sti as well - even people in committed long term relationships need to be aware of the possible consequences of their behaviour. if someone doesn't want to become a parent, they should use contraceptive. and it may seem silly to use 2 kinds even in a marriage, but there are people who genuinely forget to take a pill/don't know they're ill etc, so even a partner who's 100% trustworthy may NOT be as covered as they thought.

when there's imbalance between what the woman wants & the man, then life gets vv hard - but both partners, those that want & those that don't want a baby, have that right. the only way out of that situation is a lot of very honest discussions. dh & i saw friends who'd been together for 10 years split up cos he wants kids & she doesn't - for them, there was no compromise.

Well, I've done the Right Thing.

And I regret it. Bitterly.

Haven't read all 11 pages but a lot of this is about the unwillingness of people to tackle issues that are important to them in an upfront way. A stronger character would have been more assertive, and have worked out what compromises she was prepared to accept, then negotiated. If the marriage is strong as you say, then what would the risk be? Are you a poor negotiator? Did you just let the issue drift?

Women do not have a right to unilaterally decide they are going to have a baby against the wishes of their DH/DP.

actually, they do. They can decide to have their baby fathered by someone else.

or, hey can just stop using contraception - they are within their rights to do that. and they have the right not to tell their partner (though whther this is OK morally is a different matter)

so, within rights, perhaps not moral though?

LeQueen, how do you feel about what MrQueen did?

"What I am sure is I will tell my DSs to take every precaution to avoid being trapped by a woman who gets pregnant 'acidentally on purpose'."

So you're going to raise him to be a misogynist too then?

Why not just teach him that his fertility is his responsibility and if he wants to make sure nobody gets pregnant he needs to wear a condom.

"a man who refuses to procreate with a woman has a right NOT to procreate. he is excercising his right, not denying her of any rights."

A man who sticks his unclad penis in a woman is NOT exercising his right not to procreate.

He is attempting to exercise his presumed right to have sex without consequences.

If he relies on the woman to take contraception and she doesn't do so, then that is big fat tough shit.

Thinking about my friend who deliberatley gets her DH drunk (by spiking his drinks) then lures him into sex without a condom to get pg, knowing he soesn't want more choldren. I wonder how people would feel if it was him doing it. It feels like an assault in a way.