to put the earplugs in?

[chattanoogachoochoo]

DP has been promising for the past 4 weeks to do the night feed for DS (18wks). I've looked forward to this every week since then, but have been let down by DP due to him having had too much to drink every Fri & Sat night since (we're talking at least a bottle of wine and 3 or 4 cans of stella). Finally guilted him into it as he has had the last 2 Fridays off. But am worried he will not hear DS crying, even tho' the monitor is by his bed as he's not attuned to it (and has had about a bottle of wine and 2 cans tonight). I just want more than 3 hours' uninerrupted sleep, but am scared to put the earplugs in incase DS' cries go unnoticed (he's a determined front sleeper, no matter what I do).

AIBU to get some proper zzzzs in, or should I remain vigilant?

put the earplugs in, he'll wake up, it might take a few mins longer than it would for you to wake up, but DS will be fine.

I actually sleep more heavily than DH so he always wakes first and in the bfing days used to bring DD to me. If he's away I wake up, it just takes a tiny bit longer.

enjoy the sleep!

I'm only saying what I'd do if I left DH to listen out for DD2 who's 10 months, and that's not to have earplugs in

Because I get up to her at night his brain doesn't register her crying, so I wouldn't just leave them to it.

Even if I still listened out for DD, I'd feel I'd had a good nights rest if it I could just poke him into getting up (and I do sometimes) the fact that you don't have to get up and can be warm and comfy in bed makes it easier to get back to sleep.

If he's had that much to drink, I would say no, sorry.

Can I ask, is your DS in his own room? When DS was that age he was on DP's side of the room (logistics didn't allow for anything else).

Worked a treat...

by the way, just so you have something to throw at your DH... DP and I took turns getting up with DS. He was a VERY frequent waker and I was on my knees.. DP happily recognised that going to work was FAR easier than looking after a 3mo, so we religiously took it in turns to get up at night (in the beginning I got up to pump, he changed and fed).

My friends were utterly agast at this.. 'but... he's got to go to WORK?!' shock horror.

If he wants to drink, maybe he can do it on a Thursday and enjoy the hangover at work (I bet you get up with your DS both days at the weekend too?) or if he wants to drink then maybe do it either friday or saturday to give you a chance for some sleeeeeep...

Well things have taken a very strange turn... I finally got to sleep at 2am (reading book reviews and then reading the new book I have been saving) thinking "aahhh 6 hours uninterrupted sleep", only to be woken by 'D'P at perhaps 2.45, saying DS wouldn't sleep and it was all my fault for indulging him, letting him sleep in the bed.. (no room for side cot in our tiny house). I said to him that he should keep trying - only to hear him shout (through the earplugs, mind) "DS! Will you go to sleep!". So I got up, said "don't shout at him, give him here and I will get him to sleep".

Result is 'D'P has hit me twice, poured water all over DS and I three times to the point where our bed is absolutely sodden, grabbed me by the hair whilst I was holding DS, tried to grab him out of my hands while I was at the top of the stairs and pushed me about in the nursery when I was changing DS' soaking clothes. All because I kept saying - in a very calm voice - "get out of the room, let me get DS to sleep, why can't you put him first?" Admittedly after the second pint glass of water, I started to punch 'D'P to get him away from DS and I.

He then took my phones off me, changed the passwords, pretended to have a long phone call with the police (WTF?!!) and I ended up having to run into the street in soaking nursing bra and knickers, screaming for help, before he would let me make a call to my mum, who is now on her way over from Ireland. 'D'P has gone to his parents round the corner as despite my mother calling them and begging them to come round and help me, they hate me so much, they wouldn't.

So after all that, no sleep and no relationship. I guess I was BU in 'D'P's eyes by even asking him to have DS for one night...

Reading that back on the page looks utterly shocking. I promise, all of the above did really happen and I am sitting here drinking a cup of tea with sugar (never have sugar), watching the bruises come up on my arms.

Thankfully DS went to sleep nice and quickly after his dunking, so hopefully he's none the worse for the dreadful scenes.

What time are you calling the police? Because, seriously, that's what you need to do next.

So sorry you've had such a dreadful night.

I will call them in the morning when my mum gets here. She is on her way to the airport with my stepdad now - booked herself on the first flight over.

I'm glad you're getting some support, is there any risk of your ex (and I do so hope he is your ex) returning before you get a chance to call the police? Can you secure yourself inside your home, i.e. put a bolt on or a chain, so that he can't get in?

All taken care of, both doors double locked and keys in to prevent entry. Yes, he is very much dead to me now. Who raises a hand to a woman holding their tiny baby?

Call the police now.

He's a total, total arse.

I am for you.

Has he ever hit you before?

OH.MY.GOD!!! You poor poor thing!!!

If you can try, please take a few pictures of your bruises and the bed, and keep them as proof of his assault.

I am terrified for you OP, and hope your parents get there quickly. Please please please call the police now, if possible, and tell them and if possible ask them to come to you when your mother is there.

I wish I could kill your DP right now!!!

Good, I'm glad you're safe. It seems to have gone way beyond 'just' raising his hand to you, who in the name of god throws water (repeatedly) at a baby?

As to the behaviour of his parents ... words fail.

Your mum must be going insane, I assume she does know that you're safe for now and that ds is doing okay? Among the many aspects of your story that bring me out in a cold sweat is how very awful it must be for her being so far from you at such a dreadful time, and just wanting to get to you to protect you.

Oh God OP

How dreadful for you. Am totally gobsmacked at what a low life piece of scum your H is

I hope you are calmed down a little and poor little DS is ok

What time will your mum get there? I don't like to think of you on your own

She and my stepdad will be here at about 6 this evening as they realised they wouldn't make the early flight. DS is asleep next to me in the spare bed and I will call the police once we both have had some rest. Thank you all, I am in a town where I know noone as we moved here just before DS' birth (is where newly ex P is from) so I am holed up good and proper, all curtains closed, windows and doors locked, phone in hand. Still a bit shaken but think that could be the tiredness more than anything.

His parents have contacted my mum to tell her not to come. Nasty people, they are.

Will try to sleep now as head is thumping. Thank you all, so glad MINUTE exists this morning.

MN, even. predictive text

No, chatta, not just the tiredness. But deal with that first, make sure you hole up with ds for the day and definitely, definitely, definitely call the police.

If you want to say which town you are in, I'm pretty sure we can get some direct MN support to you. If you are in Leeds or nearabouts, I will come out to you if you want.

Take care of you and ds, that is all that matters.

And I am in Essex, innit!

Here if you need me.

His parents rang your mum and told her not to come???

Fucking outrageous

They are obviously covering for their shit of a son's behaviour

I hope you manage to get some rest. Please call the police as soon as you wake, as it sounds like his parents, or your ExP himself, will try to visit in the meantime to brush this under the carpet. No matter what he says or how he tries to excuse himself, please don't let him or them in!

You sound very much like you have your head screwed on, your DS is lucky to have such a strong and brave mum. Shame about the scum of a dad though...

Chatta this is terrible, so very sorry you are going through this. You must be so shaken. Sit tight until your mum gets there and consider calling the police as soon as possible.
Do you have a good friend that can get there any sooner than your mum?

Chatta - OMG, what a night. It sounds like you have been incredibly brave. I hope you manage OK until your mum gets there.

Please do call the police - not just for you but also for your son's future well-being. (this is going to be the last thing on your mind right now but in the future your ex-DP might ask for unsupervised contact - you really need to have police evidence of the bruises, water etc, and if any of your neighbours saw you out in the street at night, make sure they give statements too).

Good luck.

DS managed to sleep for another 90mins (good boy, that is a record nap!) and I tried to sleep but ended up just lying quietly with him, mind racing and shivering a bit from it all.

P has just been round, he managed to get into the porch which I had double locked, but clearly the key works on the outside on that one. Luckily the inner door lock is better and he was stuck in there shouting through the letterbox. I chucked his blackberry charger out the front window and sent him on a wild goose chase round the back for his warm clothes whilst I dumped them in the porch.

I told him to come back at 7 if he must, as my mum will be here then. His parents are obv stirring this up, saying that my mum doesn't need to be there and they will mind DS whilst P and I chat. As if I can't see where that's going... it's just like the Little House programme with MIL as the leading lady.

He's gone - stood there for about 10 minutes saying how sorry he was, but that I have anger problems. Well, of course I do, when someone is screaming at me and my baby in the middle of the night, despite me repeating "go away, get out of the room, why won't you let him sleep?". I do when I get slapped in the face. I do when someone throws 3 pint glasses of water over me and my son. I do when someone pulls my hair so far back that I am bent double backwards over the bed with my son in my arms. I do when I am trying to call my mother to help me and someone has changed the passwords on my phones and taken the batteries out of the house phone. You get the picture...

I just sat in the back room, I don't want to engage in conversation with him at all until my stepdad (former Irish rugby international, so a large gentleman) and mum are here, and DS is safe in his bed. I have no idea if he would do it, but I got the impression he would try to snatch DS if I opened the door as he kept talking about whether I was taking him back to Ireland tonight. We had planned to go on Saturday anyway, but I think we will go a few days early.

Thank you for the offers of coming round, I am not in either Essex or Leeds. Worst case, I can call a uni friend who lives about 30 mins away and see if he can come over, if P comes back and tries to get in again. Apparently his parents don't want him over at their house... walk the streets until 7pm for all I care.

Thanks again to you all for being there in the middle of the night - am off to play with DS for a bit now and then we can try to get some more sleep.

chatta,

Jesus christ! you must be in shock!

Has anything happened like this before? or is this all out of the blue?

This is utterly unacceptable, you know this and for the sake of your son and for your own life, please don't let him back. EVER.

He is unhinged.

He's a fairly heavy drinker and is from a family of very irrational shouters (and a heavy drinking father), whereas my family do the quiet hissing sort of anger.

So we have had a few incidents similar, where he is yelling at me, unable to listen to reason and tends to do incredibly rash things. He's big on 'flicking' me in the head when he gets frustrated and he's shoved me before, but this is the first time he's slapped me in the face and left bruises on my arms from his grip.

I think my mum is now at the point where she just wants me and DS/DGS away from him and his parents. He does tend to get extremely worked up very quickly and is impossible to reason with - I've still not figured out what to do to get him to stop yelling when the red mist descends.

DS and I are off for another wee nap now, am just ignoring the texts which come in every few minutes, increasingly contrite and pathetic. Not going to wash - what happened last night is 100% beyond the pale and I can't see how anything he says can make me forget it. Putting DS in danger and dousing him in water - water meant for me, but nonetheless - is unacceptable. His 2 little vests and sleeping bag on the radiator remind me of just how bad it got last night.

"I've still not figured out what to do to get him to stop yelling when the red mist descends."

You don't have to. He does. This is not your problem.

You have anger problems? No my love, I have anger problems - on your behalf.

Please, please call the police. Get the injuries documented. Keep safe.