to put the earplugs in?

[chattanoogachoochoo]

DP has been promising for the past 4 weeks to do the night feed for DS (18wks). I've looked forward to this every week since then, but have been let down by DP due to him having had too much to drink every Fri & Sat night since (we're talking at least a bottle of wine and 3 or 4 cans of stella). Finally guilted him into it as he has had the last 2 Fridays off. But am worried he will not hear DS crying, even tho' the monitor is by his bed as he's not attuned to it (and has had about a bottle of wine and 2 cans tonight). I just want more than 3 hours' uninerrupted sleep, but am scared to put the earplugs in incase DS' cries go unnoticed (he's a determined front sleeper, no matter what I do).

AIBU to get some proper zzzzs in, or should I remain vigilant?

Chatta - well done you for handling this so firmly. You are standing your ground and putting your DS first - you should be proud of yourself for being so strong in the face of this.

From the sounds of it, it was waiting to happen one day, taking into account your ex's past behaviour. Flicking you in the head? Obviously just a precursor, and a clear sign of someone unable to control themselves. The horror of your little DS caught in the middle too... I can only imagine how this has made you feel; you're quite right to not let him anywhere near.

Let him and his shitty, selfish parents worry about you taking your son away from them. They should have fucking well thought about consequences and supported you more in the past.

Are you going to get the police involved today, or wait until your mum and SD turn up?

Oh my, I didn't expect to come back and read this. I missed that he'd drunk that much last night, I thought that was what he'd drunk in the past, wouldn't have suggested leaving him to it if I'd read properly, so rubbish advice from me, sorry.

Very very well done for taking decisive action and keeping him out the house, you're doing exactly the right thing. make sure you call the police while your bruises are still very visible.

You don't have to talk to him at all, whether your parents are there or not, if you don't want to. if you don't feel safe then he'll just have to stay away.

You're a strong woman and your baby is lucky to have such a strong mother.

Any man who is so out of control that they can't see past their anger, and is able to not only attack their DP but not care whether their little baby is there, IMO is a dangerous person.

I really hope you manage to keep the severity of what he's done in your mind and follow through with the police.

I totally agree with trib, he chose to behave like that, please don't let him try to turn it round into making you feel like it was somehow your responsibility.

I posted last night in a lighthearted way, so to see what you've gone through is quite shocking.

I'm so glad your mum and her DP are on their way to you.

Keep you and your baby safe chattan.

I want to wait to speak to the police when my mum and stepdad arrive as they will be here in about 4 hours. Despite appearances, I'm pretty shaken by last night and would like my 2 wise old owls with me when I call.

DS is in good spirits, so to him it's just like a normal day with me, hopefully.

Am not accepting any responsibility for last night - P has never done a night feed & settle before and maybe DS was a bit put out that I wasn't the one there, but P should have persevered and not shouted at DS. I am sure my reaction to being woken up was not the most temperate, (of the "oh, ffs, can you not let me sleep for once?" variety) but I did not shout and I took DS to try to settle him, which is when the shouting began: "this is all your fault, all babies should be sleeping through by 4 months, you have indulged him by letting him co-sleep..". My being calm and repeating "get out of the room, stop shouting, let him sleep" only wound him up more. The more I think about it, he must have been drunk - maybe he had more than I thought and I should not have let him do the night feed, rather than sat up reading and enjoying the prospect of some uninterrupted sleep... (ha.)

Dont blame yourself for ANY of this.

"Oh FFS can't you let me sleep" is perfectly normal midnight interaction between new parents. I have said that if not worse to my lovely DH and have never once been thumped, or even hissed at. The worst I've had is the air of the deeply wronged which is generally resolved by making pancakes or some kind of baked goods.

As for him being drunk - it was his choice to get drunk despite having agreed to do the night feed. You may not have realised but anyway, I've done the night feed tipsy/sobering up (not fall-over drunk, but feel free to flame anyway) and managed not to yell at my babies, pour water on them, or hit DH. DH has also done the night feed tipsy and not done these things.

Being drunk is not an excuse for anything - just another bad thing he's done to add to the list.

I notice it was fine for babies not to be sleeping through when you were doing the night work - funny that.

You are not to blame for anything that happened last night. You're not his policeman, if he was too drunk to do the feed, that was his problem. Best case he could have told you he was.

Completely understandable that you want to wait til your parents are with you, but these wheels turn slowly and ideally you should be photographed whilst the bruises are fresh I'm afraid :(

How are you doing, chatta?

Have read thread... was going to post saying that no, person under influence of alcohol should not be responsible for small baby (so you shouldn't have asked if he'd had any thing to drink, however of course unfair of him to drink every weekend to not give you a break) - but you need to take a step back, call the police TODAY and makde a statement, while briuses are still fresh, otherwise he'll deny it and if the police don't see the bruises it will harder for you to stop him having unsupervised access.

re: the point about indulging DS, well normal for 18 week old baby still to be waking in night, if baby sleeping all night was important to him its something you could have been working on together.

Good grief

Chatta, please keep all the text messages he's sending you and if he's round at the house banging on the door etc, write it all down with times etc. and if you are ever fearful that he's going to force his way in to the house, phone the police IMMEDIATELY!

Your son is so lucky to have a strong mum as a role model. Hope your mum and stepdad get there soon x

I'm trying very hard to ignore P's incessant text messages proclaiming how sorry and devastated he is, how much he hates himself and how he will never ever do that again. He has volunteered the possibility that he might well have a drink problem, but I am well aware that he will be saying / doing anything to get back in the house before my mum and stepdad get here.

Add all this to the fact that I had a complete showdown with MIL this week (P did, to his credit, totally back me up and wasn't actually talking to her when he went round last night, so lord knows how that went down) and you have a fairly emotionally drained chatta... but I have a gorgeous little boy and a great mum and stepdad (my dad is going into hospital tomorrow, so we're not going to say anything to him until Saturday when I was going over with DS to visit him).

Thanks for all the advice and support, really appreciate it. Will call police now just to set the wheels in motion.

You must call them if you havnt already, your post just chilled me completely get yourself out of that situation you should never trust him again document everything completely as well as the crap from his parents

Stay strong x

Chatta - has he ever hit you before?

TBH I was quite surprised in your OP that he was drinking both nights every weekend even though you had a small baby to look after. Even without the hitting etc that for me rung alarm bells that he had a drink problem.

Now he has sobered up he's probably shocked at the way he behaved, but if you take him back in, he could easwily behave in this way if he ever drinks again.

My cleaner was with a man who was charming to her when sober and hit her when drunk. He promised to change, but no matter how many chances she gave him, it happened again, always when drunk.

He is standing at the front door, saying "it's not fair, you can't lock me out of my own house, it's really childish." Have turned TV up so can't hear him.

Chatta - how long til your mum gets there?

call the police NOW. This minute. This is the behavior of a man who is oging to lose it and batter the door down and snatch the baby. Windows break easily. Call the police. Do not wait for your mum to arrive, it might be too late by then.

Are you in the east Midlands at all?

I think colditz is right - chatta, can you at least post to let us know you're okay? There are a lot of us worried for you today.

Yes, am on the phone to the police now. He was threatening to call them himself as he claims I have no legal right to keep him out of his house ("err, I am doing a law degree and work at a huge firm of solicitors - no you don't").

He's gone away now and the police will be here within the hour. I have been ignoring all his text messages, have said earlier when he came to get his clothes that he can come and speak to me in front of mum and stepdad at 7pm. I am not going to be letting him in or responding to his messages.

He thought he was ringing the bell, but I've taken the batteries out of the ringer! Small victory!

Mum should be here around 6.30pm as we didn't take account of the trains being awful on Sundays.

Not in East Midlands, am on the South Coast, but I'm doing OK in the house - have plenty of teabags and chocolate biscuits.

Glad you're doing okay. Keep us posted, you have this thread as an excellent witness statement of what you've been through.

The texting has stepped right up now - I had deleted some of the earlier ones, unfortunately, but have kept all since he threatened to call the police himself. He has also called my phone (on silent) about 10 times in the past 40 mins. He has agreed to come and talk to us at 7pm, keeps asking if I am going back to Ireland.

I'm glad he's feeling upset, now perhaps he knows how I felt last night when he was fighting me when I was holding a tiny baby. Why on earth does he not have the same feelings of protectiveness towards his son, who he clearly adores and would do anything for? Anything other than behave like a rational adult when faced with a crying baby in the night...

chatta, consider: if he really thought he was in the wrong and he respected you he would apologise (as he has) and then back off. But instead he is harrassing you to get back into his house. There is no protectiveness here that I can see, except of his assets.

The main thing is to keep you and ds safe. Everything else is secondary.

Hope the police are with you soon and your mum and step-dad not long after, take good care.

My god, flicking your head, shoving you, and now attacking you in the middle of the night? This is just domestic violence, pure and simple.

I'm so glad you are asking your family for help. Stay strong, you cannot allow yourself, or your son to put up with this.

People can get irrational when they're up in the night with a baby, but feeling frustrated because you're up when you should be asleep and attacking someone are two completely different things.

The irrationality does not in any way excuse how he behaved, he can come in at any angle he likes to try and explain away his behaviour, but the fact remains is that he already made his choices last night and can never undo them.

I also felt uncomfortable at the head flicking, that is not an acceptable way of behaving.

Don't even give him a sliver of a chance of making you feel sorry for him, he's an adult and must take responsibility for himself.

Not to minimise the harm and upset to chatta, but honestly - who the hell throws water at a baby? Drunk or sober? I agree, ZigZag, this is no way to behave.

TBH, you do need to go back to ireland, put as much distance between him and his family and you and your DS as you can.

He was being violent toward you, his family knew and did nothing to help you? In fact they tried to stop the only help you had?

He is a vile vile bully and his family stood by while their GS was abused, and his mother.

Unforgivable, all of them.

Mm, tribpot, I can see the hand of the PIL in the whole "let me back in, or I will call the police" tactic. Though when he went to actually do it, they apparently told him not to. Could that be because he has hit me, grabbed me so hard it's left bruises and poured water on his son and they don't want the police to know about it? They'll get a shock when the car comes round to their house after they come here.

I would love to know what he has told them that could possibly justify ever slapping me in the face or any of the other behaviour. But they absolutely loathe me, so I'm sure they are lapping it all up. So nice of them to tell my mum that they wouldn't be coming round last night and it would all sort itself out. Lovely man they have raised.

I just can't fucking wait till that car turns up at their house.

I love it when strong women like you stick up for themselves.

Arses. Arses. Arses.