to put the earplugs in?

[chattanoogachoochoo]

DP has been promising for the past 4 weeks to do the night feed for DS (18wks). I've looked forward to this every week since then, but have been let down by DP due to him having had too much to drink every Fri & Sat night since (we're talking at least a bottle of wine and 3 or 4 cans of stella). Finally guilted him into it as he has had the last 2 Fridays off. But am worried he will not hear DS crying, even tho' the monitor is by his bed as he's not attuned to it (and has had about a bottle of wine and 2 cans tonight). I just want more than 3 hours' uninerrupted sleep, but am scared to put the earplugs in incase DS' cries go unnoticed (he's a determined front sleeper, no matter what I do).

AIBU to get some proper zzzzs in, or should I remain vigilant?

Just been on my FB and he has emailed me there - more of the same, saying I too did things I should not be proud of (I lashed out in self defence after being slapped, grabbed and having water poured on me while I was holding a baby...whatever). My child was being put in harm's way and I was supposed to try to rationalise with a man behaving like a maniac, bellowing at me and not leaving the room I must have asked him 100 times to leave.

He is also saying he will follow us to Ireland if I go there because he couldn't bear to have his son taken from him.

Mum's flight has landed, still waiting for police to arrive. Hope they come before bath & bedtime!

Hang in there. Not long now till things start happening.

I'm so shocked to hear about what's happening. Please, Chatta, keep every text, write down what you remember from the ones you deleted. Print out FB pages and any emails. I don't know if he has you passwords for anything online but change them now in case. Write everything down and keep it. Ask the Police, when they get there, for resources in your area (Victim Support and services for women) and access them if you don't immediately go to Ireland. I would try to get some legal advice about taking the baby across bourders.

This is not just important for legal reasons (as others have said) but also for you. If, down the line, you wonder how bad it was or whether you were in the wrong, you can look at everything and see it in black and white.

I have so much respect for how you are handling this.

Thanks Katey, I am actually from north of the border, so wouldn't be taking DS out of the UK if we went back over to Ireland. But I'll be looking into it anyway, just in case.

Police just called & will be here in a few minutes - great advice about changing my passwords and I will also be moving some money around in our joint accounts (just the bits I put in this month, I'm not a crook).

I agree with every single word that Katey said, change all passwords, make use of every support service available to you.

I think your PIL are having a fit of "we're too middle class for the coppers ever to come here" - shame they raised a violent knobhead then I guess.

Your poor mum - what she must have been through to get to you. I hope soon she is with you and everyone is and feels safe.

That's a relief and makes life a lot easier. Especially if a trip was planned previously. You can ask the Police about the legality of moving your LO right now but bear in mind that they are not lawyers. Same goes for money. Sometimes they tell people it is OK or not OK to do something and it turns out not to be the case.

Good luck with the Police. I don't live near family and friends and am so glad to hear your Mum and Step Dad are coming so quickly. Good on your Mum.

I can't think of any issues arising from moving a little one between this island and Northern Ireland but it certainly does no harm to ask.

Keep strong, chatta. Hope you and ds are well.

hi chatta hope you are ok.

Has your DP ever shown any violence before, and do you still love him. Although its a terrible thing to happen, perhaps if he managed to solve his drink problem it wouldn't happen again.

Going back to your OP, I was actually surprised you even considered leaving a drunk man responsible for feeding a baby.

Thinking of you Chattanooga, hope the police are with you now x

Police have been, taken details and have now gone round to arrest him, which is standard nationwide procedure now in domestic violence incidents. Am sure his mother will go mental at me for this (I secretly hope they have guests or something round tonight - how shaming!), but I really don't care. He will learn that his actions have consequences and fighting with a woman who was asking you to leave the room whilst she has a baby in her hands is not advisable.

The irony is that he was threatening to call the police to get them to let him into the house, so I called as soon as he said that, as I was going to wait until mum and stepdad arrived.

MumNWLondon - I wouldn't have said he was drunk, though he had been drinking wine, as had I, over dinner and Xfactor, having had what sounded from upstairs to be a couple of cans of beer while he was making the food and I was bathing/feeding DS at 6.30-7pm. He was very diligent in getting a briefing from me as to what he was supposed to do when he went up to bed at 11 and I know he wasn't drinking after that until DS woke at 2.30 or so. I agree that I should not put DS in the care of a drunk person and I would say P had less to drink last night than he does on most evenings. However, as another MNetter mentioned above, I'm not his policeman and if he felt he was too piddled to do it, he could have said, as he has in the past, every time I have asked him.

Re: whether or not I still love him. The policeman asked if I was scared of him and I said no, I hadn't been scared at all, just furiously angry that he wasn't letting DS sleep, then absolutely ballistic that he would pour water on me, knowing it would go on DS, and all the argy bargy in the landing when I was holding DS. I feel rage towards him which hasn't yet subsided enough for me to assess any other emotions I have for P.

If he is genuinely affected with a drinking problem, then of course I want to see him getting help for it. Even if I don't stay, he will meet women in the future who may also provoke the red mist in him as I seem to.

I did feel bad that he has to be arrested as I thought it would be a caution or something, but I do think that he should have had a modicum of self control and regard for our son last night before he decided to slap me in the face.

chattanoogachoochoo, well done you. That must have taken a lot of courage, and you are absolutely doing the right thing. Don't beat yourself up about him getting arrested, maybe he should have thought about it before he decided to hit you.

I still cannot imagine how a man could do such a vile thing to a woman with a teeny baby. Sickening, and whatever happens, please please don;t take him back.

Just to give you a bit of perspective, OP, Tommy Lee went to jail for kicking Pamela Anderson while she was holding their son (and breaking her acrylic fingernail). That was in America of course but domestic violence is not acceptable. I know you know this, but a caution for that would be a sodding JOKE.

MuminNWLondon, if you read Chattanooga's posts, you will see that her husband has a real temper problem, 'flicks' her head as well as shoving her previously. So, this is an escalation, but part of a pattern. It's not a one off if someone is flicking (hurting) you and shoving you, and either of those is bad enough without the bruises of the last evening.

Hope you are ok, and your parents have arrived. Thank goodness you have them to turn to and to keep you safe. I really really would try to get physically away, your husband may be calmer now, but if he drinks again in the evening and comes back around for another discussion, it could easily get out of hand.

chatta: - sounds even worse - ie he was capable of taking instructions and didn't seem drunk, yet several hours later (ie when some of effects of drink should have worn off) he behaved like that.

I guess I have a different view of drink bottle of wine and beers as if either I or DH drank that we'd be unconscious - I guess as we are not used to drinking.

Re whether it was alcohol related... I have worked with lots of addicts/alcoholics for over 20 years. If he gets too angry when drinking, he shouldn't drink. If he still drinks, he has a drinking problem. If he was not drunk, it is unacceptable. If he was drunk, it was unacceptable. Lots of abusive people will drink/use before the abuse because it gives them an "excuse" (consciously or not).

If it was alcohol related and he deals with the alcohol use, you still need to be VERY careful because the pattern is now set that this is how he treats you. Definitely talk to some people who know what they are doing around these issues (alcohol and violence).

I am glad that the Police are arresting. It sounds really serious to you (more than a caution) which hopefully means it will sound really serious to him. Sometimes the authorities taking it seriously can shock people out of a bit of their denial (PIL and H).

Chatta - well done for standing your ground today. Your ExP's follow up behaviour has been despicable; he has sought to threaten you and made you feel unsafe in your own home, all the while focussing on what he sees as his rights.

Have your mum and her DP arrived yet?

Nothing to add except hope you're safe and hope you stick to your resolve to keep away from him. He has assaulted both you and your child and you need to protect DS as much as yourself.

Chatta - just wanted to say well done, it sounds like you've really been through the mill but stayed level headed and strong for your DS. You should be really proud of yourself.

Hope it all works out for you, and glad you're able to have your family as such great support.

Can I just add, watched this thread today and not posted as unable to offer any practical help.

But, be very proud of yourself and the way that you are handling this horrible experience. Your DC has a mummy to be proud of.

Thank you all for your support. Mum and stepdad are here, PIL have been calling incessantly to the point of harassment. They then turned up outside the house and confronted my mum in street, threatening that my DS will be taken into care and providing a newspaper cutting from today's Torygraph about children being taken into care. Also saying that solicitors are involved and P will lose his job. Have called police station and this is all a load of toss. If a solicitor has been involved, it is because P has requested one. He does not have a notifiable job so there is no reason for his place of work to be informed of his arrest. What a total witch. Standing up for her son who hits his partner (I reckon she's pleased he's hit me...). Says it all really.

Chatta, it just gets worse and worse!! Thankfully your parents are with you and I am sure they will give you all the support you need.

I am so proud of you, and so will your DS when he's old enough to understand.

I can see you having to get intervention orders on these crazy people. Poor you. Hang in there.

Do you know what, in a few years time, you'll look back on this and think 'lucky escape'. They sound awful, waving bloody newspaper clippings around, instead of being at home wondering how and why they have brought up a son who is aggressive and assaults his partner when she's holding their son. You are so right to get out of this.

Amusingly, MIL's reaction was 'but we know so many people here in xtown, this will be all over the town like wildfire'.