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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to put the earplugs in?

101 replies

chattanoogachoochoo · 07/11/2010 01:47

DP has been promising for the past 4 weeks to do the night feed for DS (18wks). I've looked forward to this every week since then, but have been let down by DP due to him having had too much to drink every Fri & Sat night since (we're talking at least a bottle of wine and 3 or 4 cans of stella). Finally guilted him into it as he has had the last 2 Fridays off. But am worried he will not hear DS crying, even tho' the monitor is by his bed as he's not attuned to it (and has had about a bottle of wine and 2 cans tonight). I just want more than 3 hours' uninerrupted sleep, but am scared to put the earplugs in incase DS' cries go unnoticed (he's a determined front sleeper, no matter what I do).

AIBU to get some proper zzzzs in, or should I remain vigilant?

OP posts:
WassaAxolotl · 07/11/2010 21:03

I don't know what your husband is telling you in an attempt to justify himself, but what he did wasn't red mist.

Red mist is losing your temper, then at there, and maybe throwing a breakable object at the wall. It's NOT going around the house, carefully taking out batteries, and changing passwords, so that your victim can't call for help. What he did is incredibly scary. He realised what he was doing was publicly unacceptable, and tried to cover it up. It was cold and calculating behaviour.

I also want you to remember that you have managed every night feed for 18 weeks. You asked your husband to do one, and he reacted by injuring you, and nearly hurt your son, who you were holding. It is probably only due to you that your baby wasn't injured too.

Don't let your husband have unsupervised contact with your baby. God knows what he would do if he had to look after him for an entire night.

Please keep safe. Do not let this man and his family hurt you again.

LittleMissHissyFit · 07/11/2010 21:25

Chatta, if your ILs are still there, please call the police.

please take your phone off the hook and get a PCSO round there for your protection. This is bonkers!

I agree with Wassa, this was not a spur of the moment thing, he's dangerous.

Print THIS off for your ILs if they are so keen on press reports. berkshire body

WassaAxolotl · 07/11/2010 21:31

Oh, and your son is far, far, far more likely to be taken into care if you take your husband back. I'm sorry, but it's true.

If he could throw water over an eighteen week old, and risk injuring him, how will he deal with a toddler? They're far more frustrating.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

MadAboutQuavers · 07/11/2010 22:25

Sounds like your ExP learned everything he knows at his mother's knee, Chatta Hmm

So glad your mum and SD are with you
I'd definitely get the police out to your PIL if they won't leave you alone tonight.

MadAboutQuavers · 07/11/2010 22:52

Btw, has your P been arrested?

chattanoogachoochoo · 07/11/2010 23:18

Yes, he was arrested just before my mum arrived. PIL have finally stopped calling (my mum ended up having to turn her phone off as they were ringing so much) but MIL has been texting with various attempts to frighten me about the social services.

Even my mum, who has never a bad word to say about anyone, is rolling her eyes at MIL's behaviour. It's all about her - this is just so inconvenient as she "has work in the morning". Her son has been arrested for hitting his partner and putting her GS at risk and that's her reaction.

It is actually PIL who he is more like - very fiery temper, irrational, volatile and also a big drinker. MIL is just bonkers and vile in every way.

Off to bed now, thank you all for keeping me sane today until my mum and SD arrived.

OP posts:
Katey1010 · 07/11/2010 23:39

Sleep tight Chatta. So glad your Mum is there.

Onetoomanycornettos · 07/11/2010 23:55

I am also thinking about you and hope you are ok.

wantstostayanon · 08/11/2010 10:20

Thinking of you Chattanoogachoochoo, I hope you're feeling much better today.

I have been through something similar and wanted to offer you a little insight into what may happen next. I am a fairly regular mumsnettter, but have name changed as I have kept private about what happened to me.

Your P will either be charged or released, probably today in all honesty - I am guessing that if he is charged, it will probably be Common Assault (battery). If he is charged, it is very likely that bail conditions will be imposed - these will centre around him not being able to contact you directly, or through a third party and also involve him not being able to approach your property. These conditions will be imposed for your safety and, if he breaks the conditions, you can inform the Police and they will re-arrest your P. Scenes of Crime officers will come round at some point, either today or tomorrow to take photographic evidence of any bruising/ swelling. Any photographs you may have already taken will not be used by Magistrates or Crown. I don't know if the police informed you of this, but Social Services will be informed of the incident as your DS was present during your assault (and also a victim during the water throwing incident) - what they decide to do obviously depends on a number of factors, but I can tell you to not worry - they are there to help you and you can also contact them, further down the line, about establishing contact for your PIL's and P. I hope that the police also informed you that by giving a statement, you largely lose your right to drop charges. This is because of the shocking number of victims who are coerced into dropping charges by their partners, so the police now have the right to pursue charges without your authority once you have given a statement. They should have also passed your information to the local domestic violence charity who will call you and offer to talk through and listen to what happened. Whether you choose to is entirely up to you, but they can be a valuable source of support in the coming days and weeks. Womens Aid is also an excellent support line and they can offer advice on many issues.

If your P is charged, the outcome of events largely depends on what happens in the coming weeks - his conduct before the magistrates, how he pleads, whether it goes to crown, etc. At the moment, you do not need to think about that. The police and domestic violence unit will be there to support you through the court stages. Please take each day slowly, at the moment you will be feeling angry and possibly somewhat victorious in that you have safely had him arrested and brought to account for what has happened. But, in the coming days and weeks, you will go through many emotions - anger, sadness, grief, disappointment, uncertainty and helplessness just to name a few.

Be kind to yourself - you will have good and bad days, but you have most certainly done the right thing for you and your son.

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/11/2010 10:32

thinking of you chatta

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 08/11/2010 11:21

When my exH was arrested I had to go into the police station myself before he was released, is that not usual?

You have been incredibly brave and strong and i wish you all the best for the coming hours, days, weeks. Do rely on your wonderful family as much as you need to, thats why they are there for you.

Your P's parents sounds exactly like my exH's. When they found out he had been arrested (after he had thrown my phone out of the window onto an extension roof, hit me, smashed glasses and pushes me down stairs) all they could say was 'it could ruin his career you stupid girl'. The thing he did with your phone sounds depressingly familiar.

Do be aware you will have very strange feelings. You of course still love him, and remembering why, and especially with such a young child together, it is easy to forget what he has done and why it is so very very wrong, On one occasion I actually dropped charges and went out for a meal with exH leaving my parents and my best friend who had driven miles for me sitting in my house and packing my things. I will never forget the look of hurt when I arrived back with him and told them it was okay, we love each other and can work it out. How I wish I'd kicked him out the first time.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 08/11/2010 11:22

Hit post too soon.

Be brave, you have coped amazingly so far with an awful situation. I wish you all the best

wantstostayanon · 08/11/2010 11:50

TDWP - In my experience I didn't have to go to the police station. After the incident and once H was safely out of the house, I contacted the police who said that I would be seen within the hour. About 30mins later the police arrived, took one look at my injuries and sent for an ambulance. I didn't give a statement at that stage, just details of H and his whereabouts so that he could be arrested on suspicion of ABH. I was taken to hospital by ambulance, treated and discharged. After my discharge the police came to my mum's house to take my statement. H was interviewed and charged with Common Assault after CPS advised to downgrade charge to guarantee conviction. H was released on bail but was not allowed to contact me, either directly of through friends/ family (mutual or otherwise) and he had to stay 100m away from our property. DH was completely blind drunk when he attacked me, it was totally out of the blue - no argument or anything, I was trying to get him out of the bed as he was being violently sick. I had never seen him that drunk in my life and I was totally shocked by what happened.

I was lucky, H pleaded guilty and I didn't have to take to the witness stand. He was sentenced to 24mth supervision order and ordered to attend a DV course. He very narrowly missed going to prison and was only spared that on the basis he was so sorry for his actions, co-operated fully with the police, Magistrates and Probation Trust and also sought his own help for the alcohol problem and for what he did to me.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 08/11/2010 11:58

Ah perhaps the situation was different then? When the police arrived we were both still in the flat, 4 officers attended and the female officers sat with me in the living room, whilst the men took DH upstairs and talked to him. I felt that very aggravating, i just wanted him out as soon as possible and I could hear every word as he tried to charm and manipulate saying I was 'terribly depressed and a little delusional'.

After they finally handcuffed and led him out I broke down and the children had woken with all the noise and were upset too. The female officers were wonderful, one went and read to them as I made a very brief statement, so I went into the station the next day to make a full one.

WassaAxolotl · 08/11/2010 12:08

Hope you and your boy are okay, Chatta.

AbiAbi · 08/11/2010 12:54

Chatta- I have come to this VERY late, but am appalled for you.

I'm on the South Coast, East Sussex, if there's anything I can do to help let me know Smile

colditz · 08/11/2010 14:33

Don 't let him come back.

Please, please, don't let him come back. Go back to your parents.

EmmaBemma · 08/11/2010 14:40

You poor love. Don't know what else to suggest that hasn't already been, but look after yourself.

chattanoogachoochoo · 08/11/2010 23:01

We are off to Ireland tomorrow, DS is is usual happy self and I am so lucky to have an amazing mum and stepdad. Thank you all for your advice, support and kindness.

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 08/11/2010 23:08

So glad to see you're ok,i was wondering about you today.
Good luck.

constantlytired · 08/11/2010 23:30

Best of luck, you are a very brave person and you should be proud of what you've done for you and your son.

LittleMissHissyFit · 09/11/2010 10:36

Oh thank god you are getting out.

Keep in touch, chatta! Let us know how you get on?

Katey1010 · 09/11/2010 16:05

Good for you. Look after yourself.

tribpot · 09/11/2010 20:54

You're doing the right thing for now. Keep yourself safe, keep ds safe, let us know if we can help at all. We have plenty of MNers in NI if you need anything.

NewbeeMummy · 10/11/2010 09:13

Chatta - I only saw this last night, and I was just completely shocked at the outcome.

I'm amazed at how well you have handeled the situation and how strong you have been.

I hope you're having a lovely time in Ireland and that your visit to your Dad goes well.

I'm not sure were abouts on the south coast you are, but I'm in Berks so if you want company once you're back (if you come back) please just let me know.

Massive hugs to you and your lo (and your parents for being so supportive and fantastic)