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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sex should still be great

29 replies

susiesmith · 06/11/2010 22:10

hi

When I first met dh 3 yrs ago the sex was the best I have ever had, totally amazing. We are now married and have a baby. But very very happy together, but I have to say recently sex has been a bit ehh quiet. I fancy him and love him, but why can't i get there-- if you know what I mean.

Is this just par for the course? I am I being unreasonable to think sex should get better in a loving relationship not worse???

Thanks
susie

OP posts:
Georgimama · 06/11/2010 22:12

What are you doing about it then? Sex isn't something your husband does to you, it's something you do together.

PinkieMinx · 06/11/2010 22:13

YABU - sex only gets better if you both make it so - lust is replaced by comfort if you let it - up to you, depends how you want sex life to be.

theevildead2 · 06/11/2010 22:15

has he changed techniques? or can you not get there because somethign is up with you? physically/mentally/ emotionally?

Has he had issues since you had the baby?

Heathcliffscathy · 06/11/2010 22:15

not sure exactly what the problem is? lack of frequency? you not being able to come?

you're probably both feeling tired and a bit stressed: big libido killers.

Original poster
susiesmith · 06/11/2010 22:16

I realise that it is a two way street - not really sure the dressing up thing is for me and really not sure where to go with it

OP posts:
PinkieMinx · 06/11/2010 22:18

eh? Hmm

Original poster
susiesmith · 06/11/2010 22:19

no he is still the same - still great
def my issue
but yes we're both tired i suppose. Problem is I enjoy sex still but just dont come. Always used to.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 06/11/2010 22:22

Sometimes sex can be rubbish.

Have you got a mental block? boredom? same routine?

Have a weekend away on your own if you can,it works wonders.

Thingumy · 06/11/2010 22:22

Sometimes sex can be rubbish.

Have you got a mental block? boredom? same routine?

Have a weekend away on your own if you can,it works wonders.

theevildead2 · 06/11/2010 22:23

Oh in that case I's speak to my doctor.

Original poster
susiesmith · 06/11/2010 22:24

weekend away not feasible - no childcare

OP posts:
Original poster
susiesmith · 06/11/2010 22:24

doctor really?

OP posts:
theevildead2 · 06/11/2010 22:26

Oh also as you've only been together 3 years and already have baby and are married, were you ttc the baby- as in no birth control?

Only wondering as had a thought that if now you have had the baby if you've switched on to a oral birth control. That could be part of the problem if so.

curlymama · 06/11/2010 22:27

You have a baby and no childcare.

You probably can't switch off from being a Mummy enough to make it happen. I know that definately happened to me. Surely it's almost impossible to be completely 'in the moment' when there is a baby nearby?

theevildead2 · 06/11/2010 22:28

If you can get there on your own- no.

If you can't, yes, I would.

especially if like I said you've changed your bc usage

curlymama · 06/11/2010 22:30

Good suggestion from theevildead. Are you breastfeeding? If you are then natures own form of contraceptive can deprive women of any want for, or pleasure from sex.

GoodDaysBadDays · 06/11/2010 22:42

dh and I have been together 11 years, married 6 and have 4 dc's.

Our sex life ranges from absolutely amazing to pretty crap and can be a few times a week or once every couple of months, I see this as part of life, it depends what else is going on.

It does bother me sometimes when it's not so good but I know now that we bounce back.

theevildead2 and curlymama have made some good points.

I'd be inclined to hang in there for a while and see how the next few months pan out.

Have you spoken to dh about how you feel? What does he think about it?

Original poster
susiesmith · 06/11/2010 22:55

dd is 16 months now so no bf and no oral bc. Dont want another one but also dont want to take pill (i wont bore you with the reasons' so reying on 'withdrawal'. But thats not the prob.

Also never done masturbation so no idea if i get there alone.

OP posts:
KarmaDevil · 06/11/2010 22:56

How old is your baby? DH and I have been together 16 years. When the dds were babies our sex life was a bit well meh. We still did it, but there were hardly ever fireworks. It's only since the dds have gotten older (7 and 4) that we have started to get our sex life back to what it was. Getting our bedroom back (used to co-sleep), dd2 not waking in the night anymore, and little lie ins on the weekend now dds can get up and make themselves breakfast all helped. Once dd2 moved into her own bed (fully I used to nearly always end up in her bed) we started to get the intimacy back which also helped.

Honestly I wouldn't worry too much. I think it will come back in time. If it's orgasms that are the main problem can you do a little bit of DIY? Have a candlelit bath while DH sorts the baby out? Relax a bit and masturbate? And then if it hopefully works after a while invite DH to get in the candlelit bath with you whilst baby is asleep?

Mumcentreplus · 06/11/2010 23:01

I second the week-end away..sometimes being a mum/parent can be overwhelming and intense so much going on!!

but just being able to spend time together, take time to remember how much you fancy each other,relax and enjoy..

TrappedinSuburbia · 06/11/2010 23:05

Sex for me changed after I had ds, not to get too graphic, but I tore 'up the front' as well as other up inside.
Im convinced im not quite as sensitive now and tbh, it does take more than intercourse now (which was enough before).
I do feel slightly cheated, but hey ho, you just gotta make them do more Wink

BitOfFun · 06/11/2010 23:13

If you are relying on withdrawal for contraception, and have never masturbated, I would say that a) you could be subconsciously tense about getting pregnant, and b) you don't really know your own body- which can change with childbirth, btw.

Original poster
susiesmith · 06/11/2010 23:24

I had a third degree tear with child birth - thing definately 'looser' wonder if that is the problem. Do feel a bit self consciuos about it.

OP posts:
Meow75 · 06/11/2010 23:29

You've NEVER masturbated?!?!?!

Honey, how are you going to get your DH to help you with this slight hiccup if you don't tell what you now find works for you?!?!

Next time you've got some time alone, baby is having a nap, DH is at work, out at the football, whatever, make the most of it.

I don't really masturbate often, but when I do, I have to make myself take it easy, otherwise it's over all too soon!!

atswimtwolengths · 06/11/2010 23:34

It's 10.30 on a Saturday night and you're online, wondering why your sex life isn't better?

Get up those stairs young lady and have a shower, light some candles and invite that man into bed with you!

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for us single women who would love to be in your situation!