Terrible morning - DS in tears both very upset

[onceamai]

A bit of background but I feel really at the end of my tether and very upset.

DS is 15, very bright, at one of the most academic (and most expensive) schools in the country. Very good grades, popular and sporty - everthing going for him (apart from his awful mother) Every time I speak to him I am snapped at in an insubordinate way "what" "in a minute" "ffs" "no I didn't".

Every time I ask him to do something it's in a minutes. Of particular note is his bedroom which is a complete tip. I had a week off at 1/2 term and wanted to tidy it. He had two weeks - complete refusal to help always later or not now. In fact seemed to spend entire two weeks in bedroom on computer, game station, etc.

Is asked constantly to sort out piles of clothes on chair and make sure what needs washing is in linen basket. Always an issue finding essential stuff - asked time after time to get games stuff ready night before so if something can't be found or needs washing there's time to deal with it. Never happens.

At five to eight this morning - we have to leave at 8, "where's my PE top". Is it in the cupboard I say, no. When did you last have it - if you unpacked rucksack at beginning of half term and put in wash 3 weeks ago, shoudl be in cupboard. Response is rude and insubordinate - more the tone than the words. PE top found, screwed up in heap bottom of pile on chair.

I completely lost it, yelled at him about rudeness, speaking to me like s**t, treating me like a servant, complete lack of responsbility. Never doing what is asked.

Response is "i'm still growing and I get tired and you don't understand". I completely lost it again - I'm nearly 50, work full time, bend over backwards, can't do any more and dreadfully "I don't have any of this with your sister".

Then I found that yet again, he had thrown my clothes on the bedroom floor and not picked them up (he uses my hairdryer and mirror in the morning) and I lost it again.

In the car he told me I was a bully (I had said earlier he could get the bus but relented so he wouldn't be late) and he couldn't help it - it was his personality and the only problem was that we were both the same (we are). He said he felt that I said he was useless and had ruined my life - don't think I did. I told him to buck up his ideas and that if he couldn't he could go to the local comp. because I was sick of bending over backwards and making sure he got the best of everything when he was so ungrateful.

Awful, awful morning. I feel absolutely dreadful and a completely useless parent. He got out of the car really upset. I am on the verge of talking to his tutor.

This was all over a PE shirt but I feel at the end of my tether because I simply cannot do any more and feel there is zero appreciation.

Sorry this is very long and rambling but really really upset and worried. DH works abroad Mon-Fri so I do keep a lot of balls in the air and it is hard sometimes. DH though does tend not to confront issues - that's his family's way and why his two sisters are completely non conformist, ie, have never worked, grubby, lazy, scroungers. May be a bit of I'm not having you turning out like either of those two lazy so and so's in here in case it's in his genes.

Onceamai wow - as a mum with three teens I am actually very impressed, seriously! I haven't read all the other responses but apologies if I repeat what others have said. What struck me about your post was

a) perfectly normal 15yr old boy versus perfectly normal 50 yr old mum (I will be 50 in November )

b) perfectly normal threat re changing school - have said same in temper myself....BUT

I also have a very very academic 16yr old boy who would react in exactly the same way as your son: if I get angry with him over something he interprets it as a massive character assassination because his sense of perspective hasn't matured yet. added to that, he is under HUGE pressure at school and it does boil over at home. First thing in the morning before school is inevitable.

c) Believe it or not you will not turn him into a lazy feckless lump if you carry on supporting and mothering him for a while longer . My teenage daughter has always been able to keep herself organised and tidy, but her brothers have taken longer. Eldest DS is now at uni, happily domesticated at home and in his flat - they do get there so have faith!

D) I am most impressed that he was able to tell you what upset him when you shouted at him as this means that you have a great relationship and he feels able to communicate with you. Take him out for a pizza or something and remind him that he is dearly loved, that hormones are a two way street with you both, and that blowing up at each other is not the end of the world. x

But since when is it normal behaviour from a 15 year old? I'm going going to start on down the good old days route but is this really what we accept from teenagers now? Since when does being 15 excuse you from respecting your parents? You don't have to agree with them or take any notice of what they say, but you don't treat them like shit on your shoe.

Who knows? You may be right earwigca and DD might be the worst teenager to walk the face of the earth. But she sure as hell won't have any excuses made for her, whatever else happens.

Another vote here for a wallchart and checklists taped on to his wall which tell him when to put which items in the laundry and even tells him what items to check for on Sunday (+other) evenings so that they are ready for school. Then all you do is ask "Have you looked at and done your checklist for tomorrow?" each evening until he says yes.

You both sound perfectly normal to me, OP :)

Rocketbird, acceptable behaviour and normal behaviour are not the same thing

I have a moody lovesick puppy of a 15 year old at the moment, he can be rude but deep down he knows it's not right and will come and apologize later. I find it best just to walk away and comeback when he is in a better mood if something needs to be discussed and not get drawn into any arguements.

this is a good book on why teenagers behave the way they do

I'm with others who say he should be doing his own washing now. And he needs his own hairdryer and mirror. You'll be doing him a favour in the long run by teaching him to take responsibility for his own things. If he doesn't get them clean, well, missing out one day won't matter much.

Do we know that the OPs ds did treat her like shit on his shoe, Rocketbird? Yes, he did call her a bully, but it seems that she was pretty unrestrained too. The OP feels he he treats her like shit, but otoh her ds felt that she "said he was useless and had ruined my life". In other words, both the OP and her ds feel judged by the other and sensitive about their relationship. To me, this sounds like two people who need to sit down and have a talk.

(OF course, it may be that the OPs ds has said all kinds of rude things to her- but we haven't actually been told that).

Someone told me when I was expecting to learn to choose my battles, which may be relevent to you.

Stick some rules down, eg washing in the basket, tidy your own room, homework before gaming, etc and then stick to them. Maybe a carrot instead of a stick (reward the good, eg a game that he wants) would work better.

Towatessa - 'choose your battles' is the way I approach parenting now, and general life tbh. It's a bloody brilliant maxim.

It has served me well Earwicga!

I'm coming back to comment again... as I said earlier, I'm very much in sympathy with your dilema... have had similar rows with my own brood.

One thing I would say is that, assuming he goes to the same kind of school as my own kids (and maybe even the same one as my boy - who knows?) - he proably really does feel like there isnt time in the day to do chores: I dont agree with the posters who say he should do more around the house.

In our house, (my DS is now at uni) the DDs are up at 6.30, out at 7.15 and not back til 5.15 when they each have about 2 hours of homework each night. Put on top of that dance, music and sport, there really is no time to be a big contributor at home. In term time, it all has to go to the wall to keep up with the workload. Its part of the consequence of this kind of school.

School hols are different, with different expectations but its the term time thats stressful.

My elder DD, now 17, just cannot keep her room tidy. It seems to be impossible for her - it means she's always losing things which costs more time of course. I do as much tidying as I can. In an ideal world it would be her responsibility but I want to make it easier for her.

I dont agree with the posters who say that he should suffer the consequences of no kit - I frequently run around looking for that missing lacrosse sock - its what you do to make it possible for them to do what they do.

I try to make sure that by Sunday evening the girls have their rooms in order and all kit is where its meant to be but its not always easy. I do find that getting sorted out at the weekend helps the rest of the week. I'm sure you do that already.

The rudeness you can work on. He's already a good communicator in that he has said how he feels - that's good. I dont remember my DS EVER saying how he felt about anything. thing aobut teenagers is they look like adults but their brains are not quite wired up properly yet - something aobut neurotransmitters - which means they dont yet consider other people's feelings as well as (hopefully) they will do in a few years time.

It all does sound very familiar and normal to me - but I dont think any big crackdown will help - but I do stand by my earlier suggestion of taking away the games console. In our house that usually evokes a discussion on what he did wrong after about 24 or 36 hours....

Only read Op but based on that this is what I would do:

Get your thoughts together when you are calm and identify whats annoying you. Make a list, so that could be being disrepestful, rude, not pulling his weight.

Have a chat when you are both calm and go through the points you have identified.

Give him responsibility. Laundry basket in his room for his clothes. He has to wash them, iron and put them away. He sorts his own PE kit out from now on. If it's not done it's his problem. He should also have chores to do in the house.

Can he make his own way to school? If so he should do that as well.

Leave open the possibility that there is something bothering him so make it clear he can talk to you.

Sounds to me as though he needs to a little more independent and you need to hand some of the responsibility over as you alredy have enough to do.

Good luck.

well im going to say it as it is........ your not a crap mum but alot of why he thinks its ok to act like this is because you allow it. He doesnt do as hes told simply because you dont enforce it! and what has his size compared to yours got to do with it?? Take the computer away and tell him he will get it back when he can behave correctly. I cant believe you tidy his room for him?? My eldest is almost 12 and i havnt done her room for a few years now...........

I though parenting meant bringing your DCs up to be well behaved independant adults???

Oh and dont get me started about the bad language!! Cant imagion any of my DCs would ever swear at me!

Just in case it got mixed up in my waffle above I'll repeat part of it.

Remove the leads to the computer/consoles - not the whole unit.

I don't think taking the rubbish out, laying the table whilst chatting to your family, or putting a few clothes in the laundry basket are exactly difficult Kidsmom or somehow punitive,, however much homework there is to do and after school activities. I was suggesting some chores, not all the chores, or all the organising.

Yes we want to look after our children Kidsmom we want to cook them nice meals, make a welcoming home for them, help them learn how to organise themselves rather than just saying p*ss off and organise yourself, but from the OP's post this particular dynamic in her house (her doing everything, yet son is not any happier for it) is not working. If it worked, she wouldn't be posting.

Sorry, swanriver, I didnt think I was saying that he should do nothing... certainly didnt mean to. I was just saying that he probably feels overloaded.

Adn I wasnt replying particularly to your post. There are plenty of posts in this thread which do seem to be saying that he should be fending for himself, actually, I was not picking on yours at all. If you read back the early pages I think there is a feeling from some on here that no kit, no lift etc is the way to go. I'm just saying that wasn't right for us....

no - I completely agree Kidsmom I think we do need to make them feel cared for, they aren't out in the big bad world yet.
I remember talking to two ladies whose parents had run a pub when they were doing their A-levels, and how they had had to fit in revision between helping their parents. It had been hard. Now these ladies had the best relationship in the world with their [Maltese]parents, and one told me her mother had never ever shouted at them as children/teenagers. But they knew that they had responsibilities to help/be with the family from a early age.

need to rush!

I agree with most of the posts on here - he sounds like a normal teenager.

I was actually quite impressed with how he managed to articulate himself to you in the car. Sure it is hurtful and upsetting (for you both) but I would feel quite proud that you have raised a son who can express how he feels and why. So many teenagers (boys especially) can't and that can end up being quite destructive long-term. I am sure something good will come out of this eventually given that you have both had a chance to let each other know how you feel.

There is a really great book out there that you may find helpful entitled 'How To Talk So Your Kids Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk'

Unfortunately public schools teach children they are superior to everyone else (parents included)
I have 2 teenage boys and they certainly do not speak to me like that!

There is no point using school as a threat because you know you would never do that. I used to say the same but it's the last thing I would do. I also wouldn't take him out for supper. He is being a brat and I would start making life difficult. Don't do his washing until you see an improvement, let him buy his own hairdryer with his pocket money and take his computer and tv out of his room and stick it in the attic until he starts toeing the line.

He will be shocked!

'Unfortunately public schools teach children they are superior to everyone else (parents included)'

Really? Apart from politicians, that's not what I have seen.

OP where is your DH in all this. I know he is away M - F but what sort of a role model is he?

At the weekend does he share chores equally: cooking and cleaning etc? How does he talk to you eg is he respectful?

Do you have domestic help in the week?

Only read the OP.

Remember the MN mantra - it is only a phase, it will come to pass.

I can understand you feeling frustrated that you are trying to give him a good start in life with going to a good school, and him not showing any appreciation, but tbh, he is only probably likely to appreciate the benefit of this in later life, so I think expecting some gratitude is probably not going to happen.

I think you probably need to be gentle on both of yourselves, and try to remove any sources of contention.
Get him his own hair-dryer and mirror
Make him responsible for putting clothes in the laundry - if they're not in, they don't get washed - no drama over it, that's just the way it is.
Same with his room, if it's messy, close the door.
It's probably hard, but it sounds as if you might need to lower your expectations for the sake of sanity.
It must be tough for him too, having his Dad away all week.

But more importantly, it must be really tough for you - working ft, on your own during the week, 2 teenagers, and I hope you don't mind me saying, possibly going through hormonal changes as well. Try to reduce the pressure on yourself - can you get anyone to help out with some things? What about an au-pair? (although maybe you don't want another stroppy teenager roaming the house ), are you taking evening primrose oil & good multi-vitamin?

Sorry if this sounds patronising or simplistic, but some of it might help.

It would probably help to apologise to him for your outburst this morning, and to reassure him that you love him.

HTH

You need to read this:

here

Help make sense of his behaviour.

But sorry for you. I've got a stroppy 11 year old who I've had some very distressing spats with this year. I know how it feels.

Don't let these things hurt you. Easy to say, hard to do.

BTW, whilst we are talking about vitamins, make sure your DS takes a good multi vitamin as well. It won't solve everything, but may help to reduce some of the mood swings.