Terrible morning - DS in tears both very upset

[onceamai]

A bit of background but I feel really at the end of my tether and very upset.

DS is 15, very bright, at one of the most academic (and most expensive) schools in the country. Very good grades, popular and sporty - everthing going for him (apart from his awful mother) Every time I speak to him I am snapped at in an insubordinate way "what" "in a minute" "ffs" "no I didn't".

Every time I ask him to do something it's in a minutes. Of particular note is his bedroom which is a complete tip. I had a week off at 1/2 term and wanted to tidy it. He had two weeks - complete refusal to help always later or not now. In fact seemed to spend entire two weeks in bedroom on computer, game station, etc.

Is asked constantly to sort out piles of clothes on chair and make sure what needs washing is in linen basket. Always an issue finding essential stuff - asked time after time to get games stuff ready night before so if something can't be found or needs washing there's time to deal with it. Never happens.

At five to eight this morning - we have to leave at 8, "where's my PE top". Is it in the cupboard I say, no. When did you last have it - if you unpacked rucksack at beginning of half term and put in wash 3 weeks ago, shoudl be in cupboard. Response is rude and insubordinate - more the tone than the words. PE top found, screwed up in heap bottom of pile on chair.

I completely lost it, yelled at him about rudeness, speaking to me like s**t, treating me like a servant, complete lack of responsbility. Never doing what is asked.

Response is "i'm still growing and I get tired and you don't understand". I completely lost it again - I'm nearly 50, work full time, bend over backwards, can't do any more and dreadfully "I don't have any of this with your sister".

Then I found that yet again, he had thrown my clothes on the bedroom floor and not picked them up (he uses my hairdryer and mirror in the morning) and I lost it again.

In the car he told me I was a bully (I had said earlier he could get the bus but relented so he wouldn't be late) and he couldn't help it - it was his personality and the only problem was that we were both the same (we are). He said he felt that I said he was useless and had ruined my life - don't think I did. I told him to buck up his ideas and that if he couldn't he could go to the local comp. because I was sick of bending over backwards and making sure he got the best of everything when he was so ungrateful.

Awful, awful morning. I feel absolutely dreadful and a completely useless parent. He got out of the car really upset. I am on the verge of talking to his tutor.

This was all over a PE shirt but I feel at the end of my tether because I simply cannot do any more and feel there is zero appreciation.

Sorry this is very long and rambling but really really upset and worried. DH works abroad Mon-Fri so I do keep a lot of balls in the air and it is hard sometimes. DH though does tend not to confront issues - that's his family's way and why his two sisters are completely non conformist, ie, have never worked, grubby, lazy, scroungers. May be a bit of I'm not having you turning out like either of those two lazy so and so's in here in case it's in his genes.

I can't recommend this book enough!:

Get Out of My Life, But First Take Me and Alex into Town: A Parents Guide to the New Teenager

HIH

needafootmassage is absolutely spot on.

In a rush, so will come back to this thread, but your husband needs to pull his finger out. Boys NEED to see their fathers standing up for their mother and disciplining - he really does need to be on-side. You seem to have a hellishly busy life.

3threefrogs contract idea is brilliant.

Of course we look after our children and want to help them, especially as you say he does so much sport and clearly has his own juggling to do. I think a very simple clearcut list of your expectations and his expectations of you might help communication. Then you could negotiate some of the details if they aren't working out as you planned.

What a lovely post needafoot
[mentally files away all these strategies}

My mother had two absolutely hellish teenage sons (my brothers!)who went to very expensive academic private schools. One got expelled, the other did well, but was still unhappy in other ways and took ages to find a job he liked/ was good at. They both aged 40 have not been as happy motivated balanced as she would have liked

So I don't know what would have worked, but I know what didn't work.

1. shouting and screaming about their behaviour
2. Letting them intimidate her verbally and getting v. upset about it, whilst not recognisign that they were responding to her "verbal".
3. My dad not getting involved partly because she kept summoning him to tell them off. He didn't like this role at all, and would back out. He should have been involved with them pre-telling off.
4. Feeling down herself about her failure to have "nice" children, and the fact that her sweet little sons had turned into monsters.
5. But then contradictorily Blaming them for everything that went wrong about their behaviour.
6. Getting worked out about little things, mess, non-helpfulness and nagging constantly about these things, instead of getting them on her side.

Hih - rofl at that book title - shall order it now!

What great advice on this thread - MNHQ - looks like a book possible if this keeps going.

Particularly like needafootmassages approach - will add that to my repertoire.

OP dinner tonight is a good idea, and a good frank discussion about responsibilities, needs, and respecting each other. He is old and smart enough for you to show you are human too.
Most of all, listen and ask him what he would like and what would help him.

And take a pen and paper so you can write it down and do a contract. My DCs laugh at me because this is exactly what I do - ie sat down with my DS1 this week and discussed goals for this next half-term and have a list of 20 items he has to work at...perhaps a tad long .

Needafoot - not sure if I'm quite as calm by nature as you. Swan River - points noted witha shiver up my spine.

Would just like to say that when I said discipline is harder now he's 5.10 and I'm 5.4 I was not implying that I in any way feared him physically he is not that sort of lad at all although is very powerful. It was more metaphorical and I do find it hard to tell him off when I'm looking up to him. And also, to hide the laptop, etc., I was in the mindset of when I used to put it at the top of the wardrobe - out of his reach!

You seem a bit obsessed about his school. Perhaps he's feeling the pressure. Do you think its a good lesson in life to teach him to look down on the local comp?

He sounds fairly typically teenage.

I don't think you can expect gratitude for your sacrifices ... at least not until he's about 40. You have to decide whether you want to make those sacrifices and be satisfied from doing the right thing as you see it. If you expect gratitude from a child then that's always going to be a source of resentment.

OTOH, I don't think I'd put up with his bad behaviour ... I think I'm in the camp that would say make it clear to him what things are his responsibility - taking care of his school clothes for example, and that you won't be doind it in future and the consequnces will be what they are ... you aren't running a hotel and 15 is old enough to realise this.

He's 15 - why are you tidying his room or putting his stuff away or ironing for him?

I was 10 when i started ironing my own clothes and my 9 year old has stuff put on his bed and is told to put it away himself.

If he doesnt put it in the washing basket it doesnt get washed - tough shit

He is playing you - all this your a bully and youve ruined my life - he is attention seeking and trying to divert away from the fact he knows he is being rude and selfish.

Take charge - tell him from now on its his bedroom - he knows where the washing machine is and he knows where the iron is.

He needs to understand how hard it is in the real world and the sooner he learns that the better

Re laptop....hide it in the bottom of the laundry basket :)
or in your knicker drawer with a couple of packs of Tampax on top of knickers.....

'Taking the computers/consoles away get's a bit harder when I'm 5'4" and he's 5'10" though.'

You only need to take away the leads or the ADSL thingy.

Don't let this morning go to waste. Write down a list of ways you expect him to behave and stick by it. Ask him to do a similar one for you.

As for PE kit - if it's not there it's not there and he doesn't go to school with it and suffers the consequences there.

And get him his own hairdryer and keep out of each other's rooms.

It's normal teenage behaviour and yours is normal exasperated parent behaviour.
Tell him he is responsible for making sure all his stuff is where it should be at the correct time, and you will then do your bit as necessary.
Make him a wall chart if necessary - 'Fri night - empty PE kit into laundry basket' - or do it together.
Then, get off his case. Don't nag or remind or get cross. If his stuff is ready, fine, if it isn't, it isn't.
Teenagers do need to retreat into their caves to pupate into normal humans, don't they? I don't think my brother spoke or emerged voluntarily in daylight between the ages of 14 and 17.

Yes - own hairdryer. You can get them for £4.

I think that you are guilty of doing to much for him and not giving him consequences for when he steps out of line. You allow him to speak to you in this manner and treat you like a slave, but who lets it happen?

With regards to his washing- At his age he should be doing it himself or at east putting it into the laundry bin for you! If he doesn't co-operate then it doesn't get done! Don't do it for him!

Bedroom- Take a step back. It's his room, if he wants it messy then leave him to it. If you really want it done then remove his Playstation/XBOX whatever until it gets done.

Lifts into school- If he's late then tough! He needs to develop autonomomy and responsibility for his own actions. If you go around picking up the pieces for him and reminding him of his time-keeping/appointments whatever how will he ever learn?

Maybe this advice has come to late but I think a lot of mothers are guilty of pampering and indulging their sons. At 15 I would expect him to be more responsible and help a bit more around the house. Making a meal evry so often for the family and sorting out his own clothing/bedroom.

WorkingItOutAsIGo - perhaps the 20 items could be tiered like they are on a job description as in essential, desirable etc.

This is only normal, teenage behaviour if he has grown up expecting to get away with it. I wouldn't accept it as normal in my house. Why the hell should you?

Remember - he will be a husband one day and you will be a MIL.

It is well worth getting this sorted out now.

All teenaged boys should learn to use a washing machine and an iron, learn the rudiments of cleaning and tidying and time management.

You can do it, and he will be fine.

Thanks all for these strategies everyone. Mine are younger but I see a pattern emerging ...

Mine is younger, a lot younger but I am truly shocked at you all saying that this is acceptable behaviour just because he is a teenager. I'm not so old that I can't remember being that age, or other members of my family being that age and there is no way in hell that any of us would have behaved like that/spoken to our parents like that. We were normal, average kids who knew there were lines we didn't cross. No finger was ever lifted nor threatened. I'm absolutely stunned that you're all saying it's ok because he's 15.

I totally agree Rocketbird. It's very sad that parents accept it as 'normal' just because they are 'teens'.

Rocketbird - nobody is saying it's ok because he's 15 - they are saying it's normal behaviour from a 15 year old. There's a difference.

I was an absolutely appalling teenager - I can't imaging mine could ever top the stuff I did. My mother never knew what to do because she had been a very nice teenager - you may end up having that problem Rocketbird.