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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get DD a white poppy to wear at a remembrance service?

960 replies

GallumDrawnAndQuartered · 03/11/2010 16:23

She is 14 and has been selected by the school to represent her house at their service.

DD is vehemently pacifist and anti-war.

Rather than her get in trouble for refusing to go (which is what she is planning on doing) would it be unreasonable for her to go but to wear a white poppy instead of a red one?

OP posts:
Donki · 04/11/2010 20:52

Indeed Elephants, I usually give quite generously to help injured servicemen/women.

I wear a white poppy to remember all the dead of war, not selectively British service personnel - but they are included in my thoughts and prayers, and anyone (service personnel or not) who has been injured in the course of doing what they think right and needs help is deserving of compassion.

Original poster
GallumDrawnAndQuartered · 04/11/2010 20:55

right. i've read all and passed on the jist to DD.

It was a genuine query - whether a white poppy would be a more acceptable alternative or whether it would cause any offence. I expected a few yes, no, yabu, etc but perhaps not 600 posts. obviously it is a touchy subject and yes it appears that a white one would offend so that wont be happening. D will be asking to not go to this service. She knows why she doesn't want to. it has nothing to do with showing off or deliberately offending people (but yes, at 14 things are very back and white). it has nothing to do with not respecting people who had no choice to fight. she is not pretentious, spoilt nor a cunt. we have been to the imperial war museum, she has read holocaust information and war poems. she is allowed to formulate and develop her own opinions and i will encourage her to do this.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 04/11/2010 20:59

Well done-and the best solution. I think that at 14yrs people should formulate their own opinions and be encouraged. She will change them as she gets older, but it doesn't mean that they are not valid now. I cringe at some of my opinions at that age, but at least my parents listened.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 04/11/2010 21:03

I'm sure she's lovely - good for her for bothering to think about things and not just go with the crowd without question.

Trop · 04/11/2010 21:08

I think it is utterly pretentious of your daughter to want to make some kind of statement on rememberance day.

If she wants to protest war she should get involved in a rally or peace protest but to risk offending even one person at the rememberance event is immature, self-obsessed, teenage poncing.

You, OP, should teach her a lesson in appropriate behaviour and basic human respect.

If she can't say anything nice she should say nothing at all.

It would be far more adult and appropriate if you encouraged her to withdraw from the event and expain clearly why rather than making some ambiguous and potentially offensive half arsed gesture when none of you understand the meaning of the symbols you are considering.

IMHO

Original poster
GallumDrawnAndQuartered · 04/11/2010 21:11

sweet jeesus trop have you not read what i have just written?

i have been polite but after explaining my point and her decision after asking advice i really will not stand any more insulting so fuck off.

OP posts:
hmc · 04/11/2010 21:16

Gallum - sorry that the remarks have got quite personal about your dd. No need for it really.

Trop · 04/11/2010 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Kaloki · 04/11/2010 21:19

I think she's making the right decision not to go Gallum, she sounds very sensible

freerangeeggs · 04/11/2010 21:21

I think she understands it perfectly well Trop, but there are a lot of people on this thread who are reading motives in white poppy wearers that do not exist.

Good on your daughter, OP.

When I was a teenager I made myself a white poppy out of paper. I didn't give money to the PPU. My fantastic history teacher, whose father was a veteran and who had been a child during WW2, refused to give money to anything associated with Haig and told us this when asked why he didn't wear a poppy. I did my own reading and decided I agreed with him. That man cried when he told us about the Holocaust and had posters all around his classroom saying 'those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it'. He taught thousands of children about both world wars.

To suggest that such a person was lacking in respect or disapproved of rememberance is not only utterly wrong but also ridiculous.

freerangeeggs · 04/11/2010 21:22

Wow, Trop - whatever your beliefs, you're coming across as vile. There's no need to be so aggressive, seriously.

Original poster
GallumDrawnAndQuartered · 04/11/2010 21:23

fuck off trop. can't be arsed to argue but i think you'll find that by page 2, 3 and 4 i had taken on board many comments and was considering asking her to find an alternative. quite frankly turning up on page 25 and being deliberately insulting is boring.

OP posts:
altinkum · 04/11/2010 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trop · 04/11/2010 21:31

Exactly. 25 pages of pontification on the merits of dd's right of expression on rememberance day is boring.

Why it took you so long to get that humouring her teenage angst at such an event is inappropriate is beyond me.

A case of the screaming MEMEs if ever I saw one.

Buy her a plaquard and send her on a peace rally.

Original poster
GallumDrawnAndQuartered · 04/11/2010 21:32

go away

OP posts:
Donki · 04/11/2010 21:36
Dylthan · 04/11/2010 21:37

Wow trop why so nasty?

The op asked for advice was given it and has decided to take the advice and go with the majority.

This thread was only started yesterday afternoon it's not the op fault that so many people have posted between then and now.

Trop · 04/11/2010 21:38

Because you don't like what I am saying?

At least I understand what I am saying.

This is AIBU - I can post on this thread and I'm afraid no amount of telling me to fuck off or go away now changes that.

altinkum · 04/11/2010 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trop · 04/11/2010 21:42

Why so nasty? That is the nature of AIBU isn't it?
Everyone is warned to stay off if they can't take a flaming.

Its where we come to have a bust up and eat popcorn.

altinkum · 04/11/2010 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stickylittlefingers · 04/11/2010 21:46

Given the topic being discussed, a bit of grace and humanity would not go amiss.

Trop · 04/11/2010 21:48

My comments were fairly tame by AIBU standards.

But I hit the nail on the head.

piscesmoon · 04/11/2010 21:50

I think it is great that a 14 yr old really thinks things out for herself, so don't be put off. I think that she sounds lovely. I don't agree with her opinion, but I would defend her right to have it-I think this is why we fight wars!!
You don't have to be of a certain age to hold opinions.

DinahRod · 04/11/2010 21:53

Gallum, am pleased your dd has made her decision. It's good to have views you feel strongly about but also does her credit to show consideration and sensitivity to others.

ElephantsAndMiasmas, I don't know if anyone picked up on your use of Dulce Et Decorum (skipped a few pages) to support the wearing of the white poppy but it's erroneous. Owen was against the 'Old Lie' that it was 'dulce et decorum est pro patria mori' but he was not against the war and has his poetry and letters show, he was no pacifist. After spending time at Craiglockhart recovering from neurasthenia(which was recognised as a condition by the end of WW1) he chose to return to the front and fight alongside his comrades. He died under fire leading his men against the retreating Germans at the Sambre Canal; his mother received news of his death on Armistice Day.