To not understand how a mother could do this?

[readywithwellies]

Disclaimer: I know plenty of fathers leave, I know people are survivors of domestic abuse, I understand people have mental health issues. This is categorically not the case.

Dsd's mother left dsd and her marriage when dsd at preschool age. She to the other end of the country(she had a job locally that she left as well). She sees her monthly. She may have has mild PND but was being treated.

AIBU to not understand how she could do this? If I am BU then help me to understand these actions.

moved to, sorry

Oh dear.

Poor dsd.

my friends mum did this when friend was 6, she moved to tobago! She has just(25 years later) come back to England and can't understand why they don't have a good relationship. It has torn my friend apart for years. I guess some people are just not meant to be parents.

Sorry but you have no idea of what is going on here. You even say that there are catagorically no mental health issues then say she may have PND which last time I looked is a mental health issue.

I don't get why any PARENT would willingly leave their child but then I am in a happy marriage with a supportive family and friends, a good job and my physical and mental health. So I'm not going to understand it am I?

Yes it is very sad for dsd but I don't think you can judge. Sorry

No I don't understand how any mother could do that. No excuse, no excuse at all.

Not all parents who leave their children have mental or physical health problems, some of them are just cunts.

I agree with alicet - it's a 'parent' issue, not a 'mother' one. Fathers have to live apart from their children all the time and yet few see fit to question their mental health...

I don't think any of us should judge to start with.
No one knows what goes on in other people's lives or minds,or why,for whatever reason,they can't cope with their situation.
I would feel sorry she felt so unhappy that she had to get away,i would feel sorry for her child,and would encourage letter writing and emails.
But you'll probably never know her reasons.

Alicet - fair point, I should have been more clear. Agree PND is mental health, I meant no underlying issues prior to having dsd.

I would presume she hadn't bonded with her DD.

If she had "mild PND" she had metal health issues. It can be very difficult for other people to know exactly what someone is going through in such circumstances. While I'm not defending this woman, and I find it hard to understand how any mother could leave her child, I think as you can't get inside her head you'll never know what she was going through.

Personally, I don't understand how anyone could do that either, but I have learned that you really can't judge until you walk a mile in someone else shoes. Sometimes peoples coping mechanisms just don't cover the things they face in life. Sometimes people who give birth are purely selfish, but you will never really know which it is.

Dsd is lucky to have her Dad and you.

I don't know. How do the monthly visits go?

I am not out to witchhunt, I just want to understand. No matter how bad, I couldn't leave my children

I don't understand how a mother can leave their child behind. I do find it very hard to not judge absent mothers. My mother buggered off and left me with an abusive gran when I was a baby, it has affected my whole life.

Yes I do understand that not every mother who leaves her child is wickedly selfish, however my personal experience colours my opinion, I am afraid. Your mother is (supposedly) meant to be there for you.

Poor stepdaughter. OP only advice is keep your opinioons as buttoned in as you can, and to be there for your stepd as much as you can. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, though.

The monthly visits are OK, dsd's behaviour changes for the worse when she returns, obviously it upsets her. She is older now, in primary school.

I agree with alicet.

My mother left me when I was two and the second paragraph really struck a chord with me

Her mother died when she was 2 maybe that was why. My dad was an absolute control freak maybe that was why. She suffered from PND maybe that was why. I'll never really know

Notwithstanding we have a great relationship now and I do actually feel sad for her as I'm not sure it was what she really wanted to do but felt she had to at the time. Poor woman

Frankly, baring some very serious MH issues it's just fucking inexcusable.

And I say that as someone who didn't have the easiest life and struggled with depression.

I don't bloody care how miserable you are (again, baring huge MH problems)- it is your responsibility. I don't know how people who do that (mothers and fathers) can live wuth themselves.

Jetset - I don't think dsd's mum likes the situation. I can understand her thinking her dad was the better parent but moving so far?

did she want custody and go so far away when she did not get it?

I don't get this either. My brothers new wife left her four boys aged between 6 and 12 to be with him. They were and still are devastated and I believe it will affect them for the rest of their lives. I understand relationships break down but I could never ever put a bloke before my children. My over riding feeling about sister in law, five years on, is that she put her happiness before her childrens happiness and that is no way for a mother to behave.

No, she left the week she left her marriage. Custody only came up years later and she didn't even bother going to court

I worked with a single dad a few years ago. His DW had left when their DD was two and a half and had not wanted to see her since. - the DD was about 4 at the time.

I used to think "well, a little odd, her choice". Then I had DS, and really can not understand why she would want to to do that and hope to Heaven that she got the help she desperately needs.

I don't get it. Like winnybella I feel you just have to get on with it (motherhood/fatherhood) however tough it is

Maybe they can't live with themselves and think their child is better off,safer without them.
Someone else posted earlier about walking a mile in the other person's shoes.That sounded like good sense to me.

My mother left me when I was 3 with my dad but took my 2 sisters. Eventually 2 sisters came to live with us but understood later that mother had a very difficult upbringing and didn't know how to be a mother. I suspect she felt it would be better for us to be brought up without her. I don't know about your situation but certainly some mothers, and I guess fathers, might feel their children are better off without them. Or it could just be as Georgimama eloquently puts it - some people are just cunts! (I love that word, apologies to those that are offended)