To not understand how a mother could do this?

[readywithwellies]

Disclaimer: I know plenty of fathers leave, I know people are survivors of domestic abuse, I understand people have mental health issues. This is categorically not the case.

Dsd's mother left dsd and her marriage when dsd at preschool age. She to the other end of the country(she had a job locally that she left as well). She sees her monthly. She may have has mild PND but was being treated.

AIBU to not understand how she could do this? If I am BU then help me to understand these actions.

But in her mind she might have thought it impossible ?
I don't know
you've obviuosly got all the facts and have made your mind up, pretty pointless iabu really

You also seemed to say that it's not such a monstrous thing to do, as long as there's other parent there for the child.

Wrt gender- you are right in way- but I think most of the posters on this thread would agree that abandoning your child is a shitty thing to do, regardless of gender.

I don't get why mental health issues are being raised, like someone else said, it is insulting to suffers of mental illness.

It is almost never put under so much scrutiny when a man leaves his child(ren) and families. It's just seen as an accepted example of male behaviour.

Why so shocked, just becasue she is a woman?

Does a 'maternal instinct' even exist?

Is it any different to putting a baby up for adoption? She didn't dump the kid(s) just anywhere.

I suppose i don't like to judge when i don't know the facts.
I can only imagine that you'd have to be pretty desperately unhappy or ill to do this.
To make the same mistake twice is wrong.
Children should not just be discarded.
However,men do this far,far more than women,i suppose we've just all become too used to hearing of Dads walking out...and in our culture we expect women not to do this
But we're not surprised when men do.

I think that every mum at some point in their Childs lives fantasises ( sorry if that's spelt wrong ) about throwing in the towel and having a great new life way from being a mum.

Theimportant bit is that very few mums actually do. So no I don't understand how a mum could do this but it is not my place to pass judgement.

There is monthly contact. Not abandonment. I would only judge actual abandonment if I knew all the facts to do so.

So, parent (the female one) decides that other parent will take major responsibility for the child for whatever reason (big possibility is that she feels the other parent is more willing and able) and that she will have non resident care. It happens every day the world over. More often than not it's the mother who has residency but regularity of occurence does not equal quality of care necessarily. Unless, of course, we are saying mothers are better parents. Are we saying that?

I imagine mental health reference is part of trying to understand the situation, of course not everyone with mental health problems leave their children but it's clear the OP is trying to gain some way of understanding why a mother would/could leave their child. It's difficult for anyone to understand. And, yes, men leave their children every day without a thought, although personally I find that equally as difficult to understand. I think it's a valid point to find it more difficult to understand a mother leaving their children, because it's a much less likely situation.

ABitBatty- I personally would judge a man the same way.

MD- yes, fathers do it much more often and we have become desentized to it. True. And perhaps we hold this idealized image of mothers- that they can provide the warmth and love, especially to little children, that fathers can't.

YADNBU!!!!

You can judge and I do frequently when it comes to this issue.

My 'mother' left me when I was 4. I was at my nans (my dads mum) and when she took me back home, my 'mother' was gone. She spent the 1st 4 years of my life making it an absolute misery. It has had a profound effect on my life. There are things I remember about it and some I don't. We know where she is but she has had nothing to do with me for 25 years and she still doesn't want to know.

I'm not interested in what excuses these people have. PND, whatever. I had PND, The thought of leaving my DS does not bear thinking about. The maternal instinct is a very strong one and I know people go on about dads as well but I cannot get my head around a woman hurting her own child. let alone leaving them.

No, hobbgoblin, fgs- it's a totally different story when the non-resident parent sees the child often and, more importantly, shows willingness to do so. The woman here pissed off very far away and sees her child once-monthly- we can presume it's for a weekend max, if the child is in school.She's not really there to parent, is she?

And I'm in no position to judge- DS spends a week with me and a week with his dad. That's two weeks a month that he's with me. Not one weekend. Big difference.And we made an effort to live close to each other.

I totally agree with you hobgoblin

Knowing my parents as an adult I believe it was for the best my father took care of me. Perhaps she thought that too

Some people (mothers and fathers) just like to have no responsibility and are prrhaps not moral enough to wait for one minute to think what they are doing but just fuck off.

Others don't

Or rather I wouldn't be judging any mother for just not being a resident parent-that was what I wanted to say.

Winny - she sees her for a weekend per month, yes. And some school holidays (4 weeks over the year)

I can understand why someone would leave. Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done and sometimes I just long for a bit of time to be myself and I miss that carefree spontaneous life I had..

If I felt trapped then walking away completely would be easier to bear than partial contact and part-time parenthood.

But I choose to stay because I love my family. I am lucky and I am thankful but I understand those who aren't.

I disagree that there is no surprise or judgement when a man does this. There may be less surprise but I for one am perfectly willing to judge a parent, whether mother or father, who moves a huge distance away from their child and makes no effort to see them and build a relationship with them. Whichever gender they belong to they are shit parents. I am pretty sure there have been threads in the past about men doing exactly this, so it certainly doesn't pass unnoticed and unjudged round here.

I also agree that the mental health defence is insulting to people who struggle with MH issues and at the same time are busting a gut to maintain a relationship with their kids, to the fullest extent they can. Some people manage it even while suffering greatly, and I take my hat off to them. People like this, frankly, could try harder whatever their circumstances.

while i can understand to a point people who can never exscuse this i have to say i cant be that black and white about situations like this

just this weekend i seriously was thinking of calling social services as i felt i was just not coping with my three,obviously theres a history to all this (it wasnt something i just thought of) things have calmed down somewhat but i know things will happen again

the only thing thats stopped me from taking things further was the fact that they have no living father and i as their mother am there only parent,how could i put that on them
but yes some people that leave are selfish as in the ops situation but i never thought i would think as if done over the last few days so maybe you have to be in that position

Do people believe that mothers leave children for no reason then? It seems to be suggested here that there is no reasonable explanation for leaving a child, so why do people then?

If in your own head you feel that leaving your child is the best thing to do does it make any difference if anybody else understands your own internal rationalisation?

With respect to those who have been the 'victim' of a parent leaving who now feel they could simply never do such a thing to their own child, clearly you are not able to rationalise such a decision which is why you have not done the same. These, mothers, these parents CAN justify it. If that makes them mad or bad then so be it, but THEY have their reason, and that reason is bigger than anything else in the equation.

The only thing we have to understand is that we are unique in our thinking and our actions. Certain behaviours or conditions may cause us to be categorised as good, bad, crazy, ill, nice, kind, normal... but it is ludicrous to expect everyone to process life in the same way.

sorry should add i do have mental health issues and have for years but GP is only aware of a small part,what frightens me is if they went away on a temp basis i would not get them back,so am very reluctant to seek further help as im frightened of the outcome,so maybe its just need a break thing rather than leaving

sorry for ramble

Agree with hobbgoblin.

I'm sorry, I don't wish to piss anyone off and am not looking for a big ole row about this. It's just it really bugs me when people who are successfully parenting their children and who wouldn't dream of running away, by either moving or committing suicide or whatever because they have NEVER felt in their heart that that could be a reasonable conclusion to come to with the best outcome for all, particularly their chidlren, then go on to judge people who HAVE felt like that.

It's kind of like saying "oh well I've never had that illness but I know I wouldn't be puking like she is" or "I've never been to that country but I know what it's like there and I wouldn't choose it"

Hobbgoblin - your post is what I need. I feel a bit sorry for dsd's mum and what she is missing out on. I can't decide if she is just a selfish mare or the most unselfish person I know.

readywithwellies, I do rather suspect that whatever burden your dsd's mother has lifted from her shoulders by relinquishing care has been replaced by the perhaps smaller burden of the feelings that brings. Maybe guilt, maybe sorrow, maybe even envy someday of the life she isn't sharing with her DD. However, I tend to feel that only the very de-sensitised would make such a choice wholly selfishly.

Even those that make selfish choices, such as to be with a man over their child are victims too of their own inability to make good and self less choices. Show me the man or woman who pleases only him/herself and is not aware of the fact they are doing so and then let's look at the underbelly of guilt and secret self reproach that comes with that.

I'm not saying it's okay, but if you can't make what the majority consider 'normal' or appropriate okay for your child then okay has to become something else than what the majority would do.

Readywith you are right to feel sorry for dsd's mum. My mother left me and sister at a young age with my DDad, he later remarried to my step mum.

It is my step mum who I always tell people is my "real" mum. She brought me up, gave me cuddles, laughed and cried with me, held my hand crossing the road, wiped my snotty nose and is also the "real" grandma to my DC.

My birth mum by the way was a selfish mare and she continued to be so until her dying day. Its very sad to say I felt no emotion at her funeral other than pity. She missed outon somuch and died a very loney and bitter lady.

There are always people on threads about divorce and childcare/contact/residency who say fathers are just as important/just as good as mothers. Yet clearly most people feel strongly that it is wrong for a mother to be the parent who leaves.

I know one woman who left her children. Domestic violence in the days before anyone gave a toss about it - she had no money and nowhere to go but knew her dh was a doting father who would never lift a hand to the children. She was right. Sadly affected her relationship with her children very badly - her daughter was in her 40s before the penny dropped about why her mother left. (And presumably had somehow managed to avoid realising that the person working four cleaning jobs round the clock to pay for her school was actually her mother...)

hobbgoblin- I don't entirely agree with your first post as there very well may be people on here who were in a situation like that-perhaps they haven't left their kids-but they do know what it feels like. The line is sometimes very thin and you have got to make a choice.

True about guilt etc- my father is a perfect example- can't make myself feel sorry for him, though. He was largely absent from my life and 4 other kids he had with his 2nd and 3rd wife.