To not understand how a mother could do this?

[readywithwellies]

Disclaimer: I know plenty of fathers leave, I know people are survivors of domestic abuse, I understand people have mental health issues. This is categorically not the case.

Dsd's mother left dsd and her marriage when dsd at preschool age. She to the other end of the country(she had a job locally that she left as well). She sees her monthly. She may have has mild PND but was being treated.

AIBU to not understand how she could do this? If I am BU then help me to understand these actions.

Some mothers, like some fathers are just plain selfish and and have no regard for their children.

Fathers bugger off every day,abandoning their kids. We would all hope that women would see things differently and would have a certain kind of bond with their child that would prevent them from doing that, but some women just don't. Doesn't mean they are mentally ill.

That's a bit insulting to mentally ill people actually, who often have to fight very hard to be allowed to have their children stay with them

Well, that would fall under the big MH issues, though- if you can't even see the possibility to get treatment to get better?

YANBU to not be able to understand. To leave our children is something quite unthinkable to most of us.

But some people just don't have that paternal instinct. I think my dad is lacking it. Sadly, it happens.

I don't understand people who think it's OK to be rude and aggressive to everyone else. Or who think it's OK to vandalise other people's property.

There's loads of behaviour I don't get.

I was pleased when my mother pissed off to brazil for a year, and miserable when she came back.

I wouldn't necessarily pity your dsd tbh! At least you clearly care about her very much to be so annoyed on her behalf.

To clarify, no other party was involved in the breakdown. Both parties were single for years afterwards

Some parents just don't give a fuck about their kids - plenty of them about unfortunately.

presumably the source of your information about DSD's mother is her ex husband??

Perhaps there is more to the story than what he has told you.

I get the fact that some women may not have the maternal instinct they expect when a baby comes along. But SIL had four kids, why would you do that and leave? More understandable if one maybe.

I would like to understand why a parent would do this too. My father left when I was 15. He just disappeared. When my grandpa died we had to phone the police to ask for help in locating him.

I haven't seen him or spoken to him in 25 years - his choice.

I am a parent now myself. I simply do not understand it.

I still think about him every day.

YANBU to say you don't understand. But none of us could understand how or why this happened without knowing a lot more about the circumstances. I'm guessing that there is a lot more to this story.

Point is the woman moved away to the other side of the country and is not interested to see her daughter more than once a month.

I'm judging. It's shit.

Satan - I have seen the evidence in black and white from her mouth. Dsd's father has kept everything.

Sandy - she also left another ds with his (different) father prior to having dsd. Hadn't mentioned this previously not to cloud people's judgement.

Indeed. My father left us when I was 12. I used to think that perhaps I would understand more when I was married and a parent. In fact I understand less.

Maybe she needed some support to help he bond/care for her child. Maybe she just didn't know how to cope. Maybe she felt it best to walk away as she wasn't doing a good job. Maybe she's an uncaring cow.

I don't understand how someone cannot want to be with their child but you don't know why she did it or how she really feels about it now.

My nephews mother walked out and left him and my brother when my nephew was a baby. she had no mental health issues she just decided after having him that she didn't want to be a mother after all and would much rather be footloose and fancy free going out drinking and clubbing etc.

She does see my nephew, although often cancels if she's been out the night before and has a hangover,cue one very upset 5 year old.

I personally can't understand how a mother could do this but everyone is different.

I think it's possible to have such a low sense of self worth that you believe your children will be better off without you, or at least that your absence won't be terribly negative. I would imagine that's rarely the reality but can see how some parents might think it.

if she's abandoned another child somewhere else then she's clearly just a selfish twat.

there's not always an explanation for everything - some people are just unpleasant, sounds like she's one of them.

I could understand the level of disgust or the feeling of those who say they just cannot excuse or understand this if we were talking about leaving a child on a park bench, or with a random passer by, but we are talking about leaving a child with their other parent. It may not be particularly maternal but do we believe ourselves to be the best parent to our children purely based on gender?

You should have said she left a DS from a previous relationship in OP.
It paints an entirely different picture.

Yes, better for the kid to be left with the other parent then on a park bench, obviously.

And what's your point?

Still a horrible thing for the child.

I made my point in my post. It was about assumptions made according to gender, yes?

Moral - did consider this, but wanted to avoid sounding like a bitter n twisted stepmum!

I agree with the selfworth thing
and in a moment of madness you would up sticks and then go and then be too scared to go back
I can empathise
how many of us have thought of packing our bags and leaving? And if you did it just once in your head it would feel impossible to go back and face the music

Bigchris - she had plenty of opportunity to come back.

I find it strange that people are horrified that a woman can do something that many men do everyday and think nothing more about it. What is the difference? Both are parents and both have a job to do. One isn't better or more needed than the other imo.