To not understand how a mother could do this?

[readywithwellies]

Disclaimer: I know plenty of fathers leave, I know people are survivors of domestic abuse, I understand people have mental health issues. This is categorically not the case.

Dsd's mother left dsd and her marriage when dsd at preschool age. She to the other end of the country(she had a job locally that she left as well). She sees her monthly. She may have has mild PND but was being treated.

AIBU to not understand how she could do this? If I am BU then help me to understand these actions.

A few years ago now, our neighbours daughter went on holiday with her family (DH & 2 kids) to the country she grew up in. She met up with an ex-boyfriend. 2 weeks after returning home she walked out on her DH & kids to go to this bloke... the other side of the world :( The kids were 3 & 5 - lovely kids, lovely DH, nice lifestyle - but she decided that the ex was 'her soulmate'.

Her DH was devastated, her parents very upset (& confused/embarassed). I looked after those kids for a year - they were distraught, worse than if she had died, because she chose to leave them. The kids slept with their Dad for that whole year and clung to him, me or their grandparents - they were terrified that one/all of us would choose to leave them too...

She never came back, occasionally speaks to the kids on the phone....

How could you do it? HOW?

I don't know..I think it would have been better for my mother to leave me. She subjected me to years of rejection & emotional abuse, no physical affection.

I would have been better off with my dad, who left when I was 4/5. At least he loved me, and wanted me & would have shown me that.

I guess there is no easy solution. She obviously feels she can't be there, for whatever reason. I feel for your dsd, but we don't know why mum has gone, so we really can't comment, can we?

This might be an old fashioned view but I do think that a mother leaving het kids is far worse than a father doing the same. As much as we might like to think we are equal these days I bet the vast majority of children would be far more upset at mum leaving than dad

I think any parent walking away from their child is scum - how can anyone do that to an innocent child. There is no excuse or reason unless they are mentally ill.

My father walked away from me and his other 2 children from previous marriage - the repercussions are still being felt 30 years later.

I also as a sideline do not understand how anybody could get involved with someone who had walked away from their children previously.
There is no way i could have a relationship with a man who had walked away from his children and had no contact (through choice)

We have not seen our mother since I was 12, brothers 13 & 10, sister 5. We 'chose'to walk away (long story) and she has never tried to make contact with us, not even a birthday card or Christmas card. Used to eat me up all the time - felt worthless as you should be loved by your Mum at least!

No mental health reasons - just a very selfish individual who always put herself first and would probably have dumped us all years earlier had it not been for the child benefit!

Now have 2 DS who God himself could not part me from. Instead of making me hate her even more, I pity her as she never had the capacity to feel the love that I have for my boys. (not enough pity to ever want to actual see her or anything though!!).

YABU & judgmental, IMO. There is bound to be more to this, and the dismissive way you mention her PND suggests you aren't really trying to see her side, so asking others to 'help' you to understand seems slightly disingenuous.

I couldn't do it myself. I know what it does to you to be abandoned by your Mother. However, after years of talking to both parents I reached this conclusion: (Disclaimer, this applies only to my parents - other people will have different circumstances!)

Father was making Mother miserable. I remember arguements and her crying every day. She was in hell. (and I at 5 years old wondered why I couldn't make her feel better :( )

Mother wanted to leave, Father wanted her to stay. He stated that if she left, he'd keep the kids. (Probably, although this is not something I ever directly asked, hoping she'd stay for our sakes)

Mother decided not to give in to the emotional blackmail and left anyway, judging that if she tried to fight for us she'd lose us anyway (she was the one leaving...) and she'd do us more damage than just leaving and having us for weekends. She was probably wrong that she'd have lost, and possibly wrong that it would do more damage, but I can see her reasoning from (30ish years) objective distance. I don't agree with her decision, but I can see why she made it.

I hope this helps you see it can be a loving and "rational" decision to leave, even if it's only rational from the mother's point of view.... (sorry for the long post.)

Cornflowers - I don't honestly believe she has PND. I mentioned as a possibility. I think she likes the idea of a baby but once it starts answering back she can't cope.

It is hard to understand. A close work colleague moved to Australia with her new man leaving her 3 year old in London with her father. I tried not to judge at the time (I was childfree single) but now DD is the same age and just dont know how the hell she did it.

The only explanation that I can think of, besides more serious MH issues, is very poor self-esteem. If a mother believes she is a terrible person, then she might think her kids would be better off with their dad, and that they'd be better off without her in their lives at all. She might even believe that she is doing a loving thing by 'sparing' them from having contact with her.

I knew someone whose mum left and never had contact with him again. It was devastating for him. But she was an alcoholic, and I found out that she'd tried to get sober repeatedly, never managed it, then attempted suicide twice before she left. I thought perhaps she'd believed that he'd be better off with his (stable) dad and without her messing up his life.

sandyballs - I think your comment is ridiculously old fashioned and very unfair to fathers. I know for a fact that my DH is a far better parent than I am and his bond to our DS is much stronger - there is no question that if we broke up DS would much, much rather be with his DF than with me. So, in those circumstances, I would not 'fight' for custody of my DS as it would be in his best interests to be with his father. I would not therefore see myself as 'abandoning' my DS - but making a conscientious (sp?) choice about what is best for him (not thinking of myself or what others would 'judge' me for). I would obviously hope to live near to have reasonable access of course.

Fathers are very, very important and society needs to recognise that.

I agree that it is easy to 'judge' when parents are going off with another man/woman but not all separations involve other partners.

Ragwort Agree that fathers are hugely important. My DS has a fantastic bond with his dad and would miss us both if one were not here. But you're not in the camp of people being criticised here at all - in the hypothetical situation you've outlined, you said yourself you would "obviously hope to live near to have reasonable access of course". That's totally different to moving a long way away. It seems to usually work out that one parent has more access than the other but for a parent of either sex to choose to have very little/virtually no access is the thing that most people here find difficult to understand.

dh's ex left him and 3 teenage children over 20 years ago 'to find herself and have a caree'-she found[already had] a new man and had a new baby before the decree was absolute!None of her dc has an easy relationship with her but to her credit she blames her own actions for this.I quite like her actually though I cant imagine ever leaving my dc when they were young.