to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

I have no problem with people who want to work part time , but i would never choose to be a sahm, i cannot bear the thought of having to ask my dh for money to buy tampons.
I really don't believe that a lot of men truly respect a womwn who does not work, even if they have both decided that the woman should stay at home.

Susie I used to feel like you about dependence (and grew up in a very poor family) but life has a way of throwing curve balls- no childcare due to disability = no choices.

You deal,m you adapt, you argue sometimes about priorities and you get by. You soon relaise thata ctually, dependence is the least of your concerns- it's a prtnership and you ahve to dal with the good times and bad together.

forehead - I don't agree with your last post, everyone had different situations but my DH totally respects my choice to be a sahm while my childen were little. As I come from a civil service background and have burnt my bridges about returning to work it is me that is concerned by returning to work next year when youngest starts school but DH is grateful that I made a sacrifice to stay at home and raise our children myself. His words at the time were he wanted his children raised by the women he loves rather than a stranger.

I don;t ask for tampon money

OK I get carer's allowance but I would just take the money from our joint account if I did not.

If I went back to work Dh couldn;t work, he loves his job (I am studying mainly from home for an MA) so benefits more than me right now from being able to work outside the home.

There have been times in the past when DH was too ill to work and I paid the bills. And that was fione too. You do what you can to get by.

"I have no problem with people who want to work part time , but i would never choose to be a sahm, i cannot bear the thought of having to ask my dh for money to buy tampons.
I really don't believe that a lot of men truly respect a womwn who does not work, even if they have both decided that the woman should stay at home"

I dont know any SAHM's who have to ask their husbands for money. They have joint accounts, which they paid into when they were working, the money is a shared pot of resources which they both respect.

As for whether men truly respect women who do not work - that's your view on the world, and you are entitled to it, but I'm wondering what kind of man you are married to, and what kind of people you associate with to have formed that view.

There's nothing like sitting your partner down with a life insurance policy, trying to work out how much to insure you for and how much he would need financially to "replace" what you do by outsourcing it in the event of your death to get some respect. For a full time stay at home mum it would be a full time nanny or childminder, a cleaner, chaufeur, ironing (if you do it!) etc etc. Im not saying this is "women's work" or that its only the woman who does this - but when we worked out my life insurance policy after my work one ended when I resigned, we both baulked at what DH would need money wise to outsource the day to day running of the household for him to carry on his job as it stands now. It doesn't bear thinking about!

A lot of "working mums" do a lot of this plus some if their job allows, but putting a value on the stuff that gets done if you are at home really helps put it into perspective.

I desperately wanted to stay at home. It made me so miserable not being able to. DH wage covers mortgage and most bills, but there is nothing for petrol, clothing, food, dental, eye care etc. Our only option was to sell our house and move near DH work to make travel costs zero. It would not have been a good area, lots of crime, poor schools. In the end we took the long term view, that where we live now and the financial security was better for our dc's. DH and myself both reduced hours. I am term time anyway, so lucky. With hindsight it was the right decision for dc's. It has been hard for me.

Totally agree with TattyDevine re. forehead's post.

I earn a pittance through my P/T occasional work but never ask OH for money; if I need some, I get it out of the hole in the wall. Same when I wasn't working at all. We aren't minted and have to watch what we spend but I do all the household accounts because I'm much better at budgeting than OH so I always know how much there is spare. If I need an item of clothing or tampons (which I don't...mooncup fan :)) or want a magazine or a slice of cake, I buy it; as long as we can afford it. Equally, I let OH know how much is spare so that he can use some of it for his own 'pocket money' purposes. He doesn't resent me buying things I need or want.

I also cannot agree with the generalisation that men don't respect women who don't work. My OH has not lost any respect for me while I'm not working...if anything, he has more respect for me now than he ever has as he understands that I sometimes find motherhood hard work. Equally, he knows that I'm educated and reasonably intelligent and that I enjoy my work; as and when it happens.

I used to think I wanted to be a SAHM and I was really depressed having to go back to work (albeit part-time) and shed lots of tears. Now after 3 children, all under 5, I actually like going back to work. It's not the scintillating - NOT! adult conversation. It is actually the luxury of having lunch on my own at my desk uninterupted. The luxury of taking a walk at lunchtime without having to fight three children. It's the luxury of going to the loo - BY MYSELF - without having to keep the door open.

Also, we really need the money...even though after childcare expenses I am only earning about £400.

I respect SAHM's as it is a bloody hard job. If they enjoy it, that's great, but I just couldn't do it. I only work 3 days a week and so I hope I don't scar them too badly !

When I had a c-section with my 3rd, my husband was crying to get back to work after looking after two for a week. It's a bloody hard job.

My dh would have no problem with me being a sahm, but I would feel useless and invisible.
I honestly cannot imagine looking after the home ALL day EVERY day. I don't mean to insult SAHM, i realise that it is a very difficult job, but i would not find it fulfilling.
I feel that it is important for a woman to work, it's not just about the financial side, i just don't believe a sahm can feel fulfilled .
I have two young daughters and i will encoursge them to work i don't want them to have to explain to their dh's how they spent
their dh's wages

working if you are planning 3 children in five years and currenty work 2 days a week in a public sector job, personally I think you would be mad to give that up - presumably you would be losing all your maternity leave rights etc. Plus getting a job when you have three that young (or just three children at all) is so much harder when you have been out of the job market.

I did enjoy being a SAHM but I didn't really have a choice as to giving up my job as we moved countries just after DD2 was born and with the upheaval and having two under two I didn't work for a year. After that, I felt I wanted to be around for the children but also to keep my hand in so I did voluntary work and have worked freelance from home. Now that I ahve two at school and DC3 is 2 I'm interviewing for full-time but looking for something that will allow me to work from home (quite possible in my lineof work) - decent PT work is rare so if you have it and are planning more kids, I really would stick with it.

Many mothers I know have no itention of working ever again or at the most, very part-time - I still imagine myself as having a career though perhaps that's because i'm slightly younger than many of the mothers round here (and I'm not young! But had DD1 at 29) so perhaps feel I have more to prove.

YANBU to OP.

At the moment still happy with my decision, as going part-time led me to a career change which has been fantastic for me. It wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed at work f/t after having dc's.

Also am enjoying my youngest so much at the moment. Very conscious of treasuring each and every moment. I have many moments during our time together when I think - life can't be more beautiful than this.

No doubt I'll regret going p/t when I'm old and skint.

But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

I don't have to explain anything to my OH about when/where/how I've spent money! It's just a complete non-issue.

So you don't think your Oh would respect you less for being a SAHM? I think you've contradicted yourself a little.

I have a very different view on it all. Obviously, being a SAHM is not intellectually stimulating but once mine are both at school, I'll start working properly and then I've got the rest of my life to be intellectually stimulated at work.

The way I see it, on my deathbed, I'm unlikely to think: 'ooooh, I wish I'd spent more time working' whereas I think I could possibly regret missing out on time with my children.

Purely speculating, of course, there's no way of knowing how I'll feel in the future.

"feel that it is important for a woman to work, it's not just about the financial side, i just don't believe a sahm can feel fulfilled"

Doesn't it depend what you do?

If I worked in a supermarket or in a repetitive, low paid job I have no doubt it would be less fulfilling than being at home.

When my children were young and I was at home nearly f/t I did interesting voluntary work and studied and read a lot. Massively more stimulating than being a wage slave in an unchallenging job.

"being a SAHM is not intellectually stimulating"

Yes - if you have no hobbies or interests, if you don't read, don't get involved in your community and have no interest in developing yourself as a person.

Luckily watching crap t.v and spending all day wiping arses isn't obligatory for SAHM's!

We don't have a joint account so no access with ask anyway, drives me bloody potty! though I do get my own personal allowance just for ME which is very generous I think anyway It's just house things that I would like to just get. DH is VERY careful with money though - and I am not, so probably best

Sue titty, I meant just the childcare aspect really. Of course, there are other things a SAHM can do to make her time more fulfilling.

Errrrr...sure as opposed to sue!

"I would never choose to be a sahm, i cannot bear the thought of having to ask my dh for money to buy tampons. I really don't believe that a lot of men truly respect a womwn who does not work."

It sounds like your relationship with your dh is very different to that of mine with my dh . He respects my decisions but happens to prefer my staying at home and looking after our children and our home. I also never ever have to ask for any permission to buy anything - we trust each other and each others' decisions.

Agree with Titty. People who make these sweeping generalisations or make assumptions about how one spends their day - its silly.

Presumably you find going on Mumsnet reasonably fulfilling or you wouldn't be on here now? So right this second we are both fulfilled.

I would find certain jobs completely, totally and utterly unfulfilling.

There are many ways to occupy your mind and body whether you work or not. If you really can't see that or do that, you are possibly not a "self starter" and need someone to dish instructions out to you at work to keep you occupied. See, now I'm making generalisations no, but seriously, work is just one way you might fulfill yourself emotionally, intellectually, spiritually (probably not actually) or physically.

we have sepearte accounts, but i do the shopping so DH gives me a job lot every month for food etc and seperate money for me, ooh how old fashioned we sound! It works anyway - I wouldn't want me to have joint access to any money, I would worry myself DH likes to save

Well I'm a SAHM and alot of the time I do not enjoy it. My kids have benefited hugely from me being at home IMO but I have suffered greatly. I miss the stimulation and a sense of achievement I had at work.

I can be at SAHM forever if I send my kids to state school so they are going private so I can justify going back to work!

I don't enjoy the company of other women that much - I have always worked in very male environments and have mainly male friends.

I am bored to tears by the drudgery. Although neither of my children are at school yet and this is probably the worse bit. Also I have very little family help so I don't have much of a respite ever.

I would advise my DD to continue working when she has children, and hopefully I will be around to help .

It is very hard when you see no one else. I see my Mum and DH and that is pretty much it, so I miss adult company loads. All my friends live 300 miles away

I am way down the line and I think everything worked out well for me/us.

I had my first child (unplanned) at 17 - studied and went into full time 24 hour shift working in the PS as a SW. Continued to work full time until my planned second son came along 12 yrs later. Stopped work 3 days before he was born and rtned to work when he was 4-5 months old ...part time (18 hours). When he turned 4 I got two promotions with in 6 months of each other which also meant no more shift work!! I upped my hours to 30 over 5 days and cant imagine ever going back to shift work or longer hours...I earn a good wage and dont need to. I went back to Uni part time through work this year (while working) ...I feel very lucky these days and could never have predicted my life now when I was 17.