to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

I work part time in school hours and know how lucky I am to have this. I did originally try working full time in a mega stressful job, but had enough. So took a pay cut and now have a job with a lot less responsibility and 25 hours a week.

My Mother drilled in to us as young women to never rely on a man for money, always work, never have to go and beg for money for sanitary towels. She had a very disastrous first marriage so was pretty jaded, she did however remarry. She is a hard act to follow, 6 children, various jobs, ended up in senior management in charge of about 50 people, widowed at 52, youngest was only 9 as she had her at 43.

I'm not an amazing career woman like my Mum but I do enjoy working, though I have stepped down the ladder. All women should be able to have a genuine choice in what they do. Sadly it is rarely the case.

peppermum i work full time and i dont have a partner who is around that much. My daughter goes to nursery 4 days a week and we have a nanny at home one day a week, and i finish work after her lunchtime nap and spend the afternoon with her.

we dress, play and have breakfast together in the morning, and in the evening i pick her up and we have toast and tea and some play and books and then bedtime.

i dont have it all - nobody does - and i dont think there is a working mother "stereotype" any more than there is a sahm stereotype. i do have an understanding employer and a job which is stimulating and challenging which i would walk away from with a enormous amount of sorrow. I recognise that i am very lucky in that regard.

I think most SAHMs don't regret it as long as their family income remains secure. If they're unlucky enough to lose DPs income through whatever reason then of course they may regret taking that financial risk (depends on their own career history of course - if they were previously in an unskilled job then there's less stigma to a long career break but the pension situation can still be disastrous).
I'd say that decent PT jobs are like gold dust - I've known several women forced to quit work completely because
their employers have been totally negative about PT working. IME though, two days a week is a nightmare - you spend half the first day remembering what you were doing last week, and half the last day handing over and if something crops up while you're away they always have to deal with it without you so you seem dispensible and noone ever wants to involve you in anything mission critical.
Now DCs are at school I'm working 5 mornings and it's sooooo much better.

I do have massive regrets about not going back to work and if I could do it again I would have tried go back soon after ds.

I just don't know how I'm going to get back to work again in this economy. I think I was mad. But I just didn't want to miss a minute with my two and we could just about afford it.. but not really afford it.

If I could do it all again I would have not taken this time off. I think I've been a bit crazy really.

No disrespect to anyone else, I'm only saying this is the case in my position!

Yes, it is very much dependant on the overall family income, isn't it. I love being with my children and looking after the house/family, but I do worry about our situation if dh loses his job. I'm aware that it will be more difficult for me to get a job, the longer I'm out of the job market... But, no I don't have regrets about staying at home.

I went back to work p/t a year ago, when DS was 1. I do 3 days a week, large Quango, quite a senior role. It is absolutely right for me. We make some sacrifices to afford me to only work 3 days. I was 37 when I had DS and didn't see the point in waiting all that time and putting him into full time chidlcare.I love my time at home with DS more tnow than in the last few weeks of maternity leave because there is less of it. Equally, I really enjoy my job and like the stimulation and social side of things. I also want to "keep my hand in", pension payments up etc. I never wanted to be a SAHM, and think I am very lucky to work for an organisation that is so flexible with working hours. More benefits wouldn't have changed my decision about working p/t, and I do not regret the decision.

HerHonesty
I think you are at the best stage with only one child and not at school yet. IMO having a second child is when things get more expensive or complicated. Will you stick with one or cross that bridge later?

Hmm, I worked or studied with teh older three and I didn;t choose to be a SAHm in that I am a carer as well for my older disabled child but I MUCH prefer having a toddler to havging a small baby who cannot really do anything.

It gets fiddlier as they age as well, withs chools and clubs and homework

Yangymac I feel exactly as you do.

'I am not sure I would ever be able to be fully reliant on DH for money.

Logistically I can?t anyway but I think after being chief family money provider for so long I would be kept up at night worrying about it. I know only too well how much it costs to run a family and its a lot of money and a lot of pressure on one person. '

DH is great but I don;t think I could be financially dependent on him.
He does not really 'get' what I like to spend money on and I would feel beholden to him if I earnt no income.

I grew up in a relatively poor family though so perhaps I am more focused on material security than others.

pepper i'll cross the bridge when i (hopefully) get there. but working full time in my role now has built up a certain amount of credit and am positive that i would be able to carry on working in a way which suits the change in circumstances. people know that even if i am not in the office for sickness etc the work always gets done.

I was in Holland last year, where I was told that the majority of mothers in work are part time. In fact a lot of people are part time, full stop. The girl I was talking to had every other Friday off as part of her contract. She didn't have kids.

This means that a v. high proportion of mothers go back to work and don't have that agonising all-or-nothing decision. Which seems TOTALLY sane and why can't we have that here?

yangymac
Please tell us more....

I love love love that I am the one to look after my son - he is an only and will stay an only, so my only opportunity too.

I love being with him.

However, we had moved befire I had him, I have no friends and we don't live in the best of areas now so I am also incredibly lonely - tied in with not wanting to live where we do, and not having much money - we live in a through place really so most things where I would meet people cost me money to get there. But I still do not wish I had stayed at work. I have got a lovely very part job (once a fortnight) from another mumsnetter and now DS is 3, it is lovely to "go to work"

My biggest problem however is that I have never not worked in my life - have always been the sort to take any job if needbe, so find it incredibly difficult relying on someone for money - in fact, that is the hardest thing out of all of it, even more so than the lonliness.

I became a SAHM when DC1 was born. It was a decision DH and I made together; we wanted to be the ones who looked after our children. When DC2 was a year old, finances dictated that I needed to return to work, but by cutting expenditure to the bare minimum, I was able to work one day a week, at the weekend, meaning that DH was at home to look after DCs. When DC2 was in junior school, I was fortunate enough to find a term time job in a local school and have been there ever since, gradually increasing my hours as the DCs got older. So, I have had what was for me, the best of both worlds. SAHM when the DCs were very small and part time work as they have grown up. Do I regret being a SAHM? Not for even a millisecond, even though financially it has been very difficult for us at times; few holidays, drive a clapped out old car, paying the bills is sometimes difficult. And even though money is still a constant source of worry now that DC1 is at University and DH and my jobs potentially at risk in the current climate, I would not change one minute of it.

yangy, it was early 17/13 years ago. Everything's changed since then, and people have to return much sooner. I didn't think it was especially early either, but most women around me didn't go back at least until their DC was at full time school.

I'm a part time SAHM. I work 8 to noon M-F. It works for us. I like being home with DS and would actually like to work less (MWF for example)but that's not going to happen. It's proving to be a good balance for us so far, I get the afternoons to spend with him and get to talk to adults and do work I enjoy and find challenging in the mornings. When we have another I won't be able to work (daycare expenses would put us in the hole)so I may have a different opinion then! :) I quite like pottering about and doing things with DS, so I think I'd be ok staying at home full time. I have a good friend who works all hours and said she'd go stark raving mad if she had to stay home. Her DH is a SAHD and it's working very well for them. :)

nevercan - yes, I am one who absolutely loved the job I walked away from. My employer was shocked when I left to become a SAHM because they knew I'd had some pretty incredible job offers trying to steal me away but I'd never gone as I loved my position so much. Just before I quit I'd received an offer that was basically a "we'll give you whatever you ask!" type thing as they'd seen that no amount of money/holidays/flex hours/etc., could tear me away from the position I was in. Truthfully, nothing but being a SAHM could have made me leave that job, it really (to me) was the second best job in the world.

There are things that I miss of course, but absolutely no regrets.

AdelaofBlois, no I am not bothered. Sorry. I did not want to work full time when I had my children, so the fact the DH does, does not bother me. Still not getting it .

I'm 17 wks pg with first, so obviously have no experience of this!!! However this thread is really interesting "from the sidelines".
My big fear re: becoming a SAHM is what happens when the kids are older - we could manage financially (assuming DH career stays "as-is": a big assumption) but we would have no real savings and I would have a dire lack of pension provision.
What happens when the inevitable "rainy day" comes along?

Yangymac definitely tha twas true for em - when I went back to work after dd2 there were probably a million times when I thought "this is not worth it" - the logistics of one at nursery, the other at school are certainly difficult here (not much childcare available and personally don't have relatives to help - and both DP and I in hour-hungry FT jobs).

However, dd2 is now a pre-schooler, and from next year I'm working term-time only. So I'm hoping that this will sort out some of the problems. The after-school issue is still problematic though.

When you've gone through the umpteenth variety of who will pick up who when for the umpteenth time, it is tempting to say you'll just not work. But there are so many good reasons for not taking that path, as people have pointed out above.

peppermum- when my older children were 2, 4 and 6 (and all in different schools/nurseries/playgroups) we were lucky enough to live in a large house with my mother in law. She was just retiring from teaching and offered to look after my youngest, and generally fit in around the others for pickups etc while I went back to university full time. As it happens in the first week she tried to recruit some random girl in Sainsburys to come and do what she'd just taken on!!! Turned out to be harder than full time teaching- who knew? Anyway, to cut a long story short, we ended up with a nanny after about a month, which she paid for by going back to work, which I think is what she wanted to do in the first place...

After that, fast forward a year, and with the older two at the same school and the younger one in nursery 4 mornings a week and I got a lovely au pair girl instead, who stayed 2 years and was amazing! After 2 years we went abroad for a year and I stayed at home "with the children" (all in full-time school by then) and remembered after the initial honeymoon phase what I hated about being a SAHP. It gave me thinking time though and on our return to the UK a year later (all children in full time school) I embarked on another MA and taught part time at the same time. Have been working full time from home since then and had not needed childcare until 14 months ago as I can fit my work to a certain extent around their school day (by working into the night or by picking them up later from school). They're now 17, 15 and 13 and I can honestly say I'm very glad I went back to work when I did.

Now with the baby I have an au pair to look after her when I have work in. I've worked a bit less this year by choice, although I did start work again when she was not even 3 weeks old (now that is early). It's been fine though. My household suits au pairs very well as I'm around all day and can teach them lots of English and speak to them.

I've been a SAHM for the last 9 years and don't regret it one bit. I have 5 dc's now ranging from 9yrs to 11m.

I would have absolutely hated to not be with each of them for all the first things they do and learn. I feel it is my job (in a good way!) to be bringing my children up myself and don't miss working at all.

Have plans to train as something once youngest is school age but no idea what yet