to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

It was absolutely the right decision for me too. I agree with the statement: "You can pay someone to look after your kids, but you can't pay someone to love them!". In addition, we are raising our children bilingually, and I am the minority language speaker (German), so it helps that they speak to me after school. Yes, it is hard working managing a home, cleaning, organising our family life/holidays/social life, cooking, but I find it very fulfilling .

Being a SAHM is much easier once your children are at school. I could have done with a PT job when mine were younger

You will be grateful for PT if/when you have more children and when they start school - childcare costs for multiple children are crippling and PT work helps enormously with this.

Plus, keeping your career going while also getting to spend time with your DC surely can only be a good thing?

FWIW, I've done it all: worked PT, been a SAHM, freelance from home, PT from home, used a nanny, a nursery etc etc - there's no ideal solution, everything is (a) a compromise and (b) a phase.

Interesting thread - I'm about to return to work 3 days a week, also public sector, after 10 months off with 1st child.

It's been wonderful, espec through the summer months - but I'm glad to be going back now. DD is going to my mum for a day and a really nice nursery for two days, and I'm ok with that, in fact, I think she'll love it, being a completely unclingy, social independent little girl.

I'm looking forward to earning my own money again, and being 'me' again, after all, it's a career I trained for for 6 years, and worked my way up in for 6 - not sure I could just throw it away.

So far - and maybe ask me again in 6 months time - I'm happy with the decision I've made.

My daughters are wide spread in ages. 24, 22 and 2. When my older 2 were small I was a SAHM, when they went to school I went to work, p/t at first and then full time and very responsible rewarding job that I loved. I remarried and became pg in 2006, fully intending to go back to work after babe arrived. Tragically DS was born sleeping at term - going back was hard, staying home was also hard with no baby to care for. I went back but took voluntary redundancy some months later. Became pg again and got a temporary job which ended a month before DD arrived. I liked the job, I was asked to go back. Losing a baby changes perspective rather - we decided every second is way to precious for strangers to share with her. I am again a SAHM, we're broke 90% of the time and there are days when I would love an adult conversation during daylight hours but would I change it? Absolutely NOT.

Oh and just for the record DD is very independant, very unclingy and very bright

I was always very career minded and adamant I was going back to study ASAP but as soon as my ds was born I was quite shocked to find I wanted to be a SAHM.

I don't regret it for a moment it is what was right for me and my family. Feel like I have so many happy memories and because I am young I will still have loads of time to focus on my career. But only 4 short years of memories with my ds before he started school.

10 years a SAHM. During that time I have done lots of voluntary work, which I have found as fulfilling as any paid work I have done.

Mine are 19,16 and 15 and I don't work would love to but DS [16] can't be left for very long so most of the time I'm bored to tears but he keeps me busy when he's not at school.

OP you could quite possibly drive yourself bonkers thinking like that..what if I'd married a different man/lived in a different place/studied something else at a different university .

Its a very personal choice. For me it wasnt a choice or a decision I knew I had to be there with my DC and to not do so would have made me miserable and by default that would have made DH miserable. Luckily DH can support us all and is happy to. Who knows what the future will bring - sure I wont earn as much as I did before I quit but I have adored being at home with pre-schoolers so for me that more than compensates.

It depends on what sort of family you want as well for example we planned a large family from the start, we now have 4 children. So it made sense to get used to living on one income and also since all my children are under 7 I couldn't really have fairly gone onto a job knowing that i wiuld spend years in maternity leave. I lost my mother as a teenager and it made me very aware of how you cant take family for granted for me this meant not wanting to be away from my childrenu. So it's really down to personal circumstances whether you regret it i think.

I think it's really interesting what staranise has said about everything being a "phase".. because of course I have no clue how the next few years will go.

Agree with the poster who said that my thinking is probably affected by being public sector - and to those posters who have said I have the luxury of choice, that's just for now. My job is quite unstable and so I may lose it towards the end of next year with no prospect of another - then I will have no choice. Alternatively, I may keep it but I am getting older and if we have another, we won't be able to afford double nursery fees so again, choice will be limited. I will either have to magic up some more hours or be a SAHM.

However, that aside, I think people spend years deciding on what job to do so I would like to know what those who have chosen to be a SAHM think about it.

"But dd1 gets to see that we both work and I hope that she will understand the benefit of an education and equality."

Words fail me!!

Why, loony?

i love my dd but found maternity leave very lonely and actually quite depressing. I felt incredibly unstimulated and for that reason i went back to work, 4.5 days a week, which is a few more hours than i like. i just couldnt be a sahm mum when my daughter was young. now dd is older i am cutting back on hours to spend more time with her before she goes to school. I am lucky that the committment i have shown my employer has given me the flexibility as my and my daughters life changes. Lots of people dont have that, I recognise how lucky i am.

its very personal but i do think you need to balance your needs and your childs needs. its a very hackneyed phrase but happy mothers make happy children.

My decision worked out perfect for us. I worked full time when DS was born, but when he was 8 months I found a part time job. Within 6 months i was pregnant again and they asked if I wanted to work from home when DD was born.
I worked from home for 8 years then started working back in the office for a few hours a week and still some from home.
I got made redundant 3 years ago, but again managed to find a p/t job that fitted into school hours. We have moved offices and I have changed my hours to longer days but 3 days a week. DCs are now 13 and 15, I have never had to use after school care and now they are old enough to be by themselves after school for a couple of hours.

Florencerusty, sorry to hear about your ds. I have a friend whose baby died at full term and she felt as you and stayed home with her second baby. It's bound to change your perspective hugely to have a tragedy like that.

On the other hand, I am also interested in what Ragwort said. Our family had a similar situation when my father left us - my mother has been adamant that she thinks being a SAHM is the wrong choice for women as a result. There were some rough years.. on the eve of starting secondary, we didn't actually have a house to live in. She's done very well for herself since, but points out to me that when my dad left, she was 32 with an eleven and seven year old so it was easier for her with reference to childcare/retraining etc than it might be for me with children of the same age (I am in my 30's now). I get a bit gippy when it comes to financial independence as a result..

On the other hand, I am no great fan of nurseries either. I agree that you can pay someone to care for your child but not to love them.. but on the other hand, I think there are pro's and cons to this. For now, with one dc, I think it would be better for me to be with my ds if I could because he would have my whole attention.. but if I have 3 under 5 as I hope to (mad woman!), I wonder if not loving them might help for less over-emotional resolution of sibling conflict .

I'm deeply bitter about the loss of my career in IT. I was very good at it - was IT director of part of a division of a very large PLC by 30.

DH refused to partake in childcare, although by then he and I were both contractors, and could have done 1-2 years each. He wouldn't even discuss it. I felt unable to leave my precious babies with someone who looked after them for money, rather than love.

So after 3 babies in 4 years, plus a serious illness, I found myself pretty much on the scrap heap. When I tried to go back after 7 years, no-one was interested, and I ended up working for the local council. With no support from DH, I lasted a year, during which my feet didn't touch the ground.

I subsequently ran my own business for 5 years, but was crap at that, and ended up selling it for peanuts.

So now, I am well and truly retired. I would definitely have done it differently, if I could do it again. I don't feel like a real person anymore.

bruffin - I want your situation!

My two DC's are well into their teens now and I don't regret for a minute the years I spent as a SAHM. I had no partner at the time and we could never afford much beyond the basics but c/w teens, they really are cheap to keep when they're little and those happy, care-free years flew by. Given the same choices, I would do the same again.

I've never been very career minded anyway though. If your career is important to you, you might have regrets later because getting back into work, especially at the level you were at before, is very difficult and gets harder the longer you are out of the loop.

Butterbur

Glad I did....I have 3 dc under 10 and have enjoyed being at home with them even though at times I have wanted to run away from them, especially when the 3 of them were under 5! Now they're all at school I wish I could work part-time but it's not that easy. I drop off at school every day and pick up...they would hate it if I got them a childminder....

I have to go now but will return later!

I would have chosen differently with the benefit of finance. I work part time, partly because we needed me to and partly because I loved my job. Now it's all changed and has become a shitty place to work for. If it was at all possible I would give it up and stay at home full time.

Where possible though I would take a career break so that I still had a foot in the door should I wish to return in 5 years assuming it had got less shitty