to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

I did it for a little while but got very bored (I only had 2 DCs at that point). I had a little circle of friends and was involved with a few community things locally, but it wasn't really enough to keep me occupied and I felt I was rather wasting my education.

I think it's good for women to get out the home a bit and have a job, as then they can influence public life a bit more.

I completely agree with tatty. In my circle of friends women who choose the SAH are definitely respected as much as working mums. When my DH has spent the whole day looking after our DS he is always surprised at how tired he is and that is not including doing the DS cooking.

With respect to your last post forehead, I think it is sad that so much of your self esteem is wrapped up in work - but I also think your view is endemic in society nowadays. Work and what one achieves financially seems to be the only way that people define success when in actual fact there are so many other areas of life (cultural, family and also contributing to society through voluntary work) which are abandoned because so much emphasis is placed on this one area.

If all parents stayed at home for the duration, that would be interesting. Lots of variety.

But then again the oldies doing all the work to support us all would probably get very grumpy about that.

I read a great book this week - Stone Age Economics - which seemed to imply that small communities could get by comfortably in terms of food hunting/gathering on people doing just 2-3 hours work a day, and not even every day at that. This included supporting the odd priest or craftsman collectively as well.

I almost felt like donning a loincloth and going all tribal.

never considered it tbh.always worked ft.is hard to exit and get back in at same seniority,worried about loss of skills,loss networking etc

sahm mums i do know have struggled to find comparable work,same grade in their respective fields as their dc got older

lots of factors come in to play
finances
ability to return previous career
interest in doing so

I think it's risky ducking out of the workplace for a long period of time, as if anything happens to your DH/DP or marriage, you're pretty stuffed financially and professionally in a lot of cases.

I'm totally stuffed as far as my pension arrangements go -I have no pension (have spent it all on school fees) and am envisaging working till I drop, although DH has a generous civil service pension that is supposed to be big enough for two, I still would want to keep working in some way or other.

After DS I went to work 3 days a week and for me it's worked - DS is 8 and I feel going to nursery and now a childminders has given him lots of friends and the chance to learn how to get on and have fun away from home. And its a good balance - there are 4 days at home with me. I then had DD and a full year's mat leave but after that went back again on the same 3 day a week basis. But my husband is now out of work so I've recently gone up to 4 days a week which was purely a financial thing. On 3 days a week it was impossible to progress at work though I did enjoy it and accepted this - I was treading water really. Now on 4 days I find my interest in my career has gone up a lot and I can see myself getting right back into the career thing in a few years time. They are already giving me more interested things to do! I feel I've been lucky - the husband out of work thing happened just as DD started school so I did have 4 days a week with both of them until they started school. I think you just have to do what circumstances dictate and make the best of it - I am really of the opinion that very few mums can have it all.

I think you're right, which is why 4 days a week can be good if people are reasonably lucky - a bit of time with DCs and a good amount of time to make progress in a career so you are not always at the bottom of the food chain doing all the graft for little reward.

I miss my job but at the same time I had my first DD (she is now 7) my Mum got ill with dementia and cancer. I now have two more children (youngest is 2) and haven't ruled out a 4th (although we're too knackered at the moment). We lost all our parents since having our children. IT really brought it home to me how lucky we are to have the time we have with the people we love. I wouldn't change the years I have been a SAHM for anything. Have gone nuts at times but in the main am enormously privileged to share this astonishing time with them all, baby, toddler, school child....and onward.

I hav now set up a business from home (am in the process of it) - I couldn't be the kind of SAHM my mum was, mourning the lost of the last baby on the first day of school and never working again. But no job could compete with being there at all kinds of moments I could never predict.

"have it all" is a media creation a big stick to beat us with

is empty vaccous statement

pre-dc didnt have it all either. worked and studied lots to further career,in belief it was long term investment.that wasnt having it all either

life is always a balance and trade off unless you are inordinately rich and/or lucky you dont have it all

Ali, i will admit that a lot of my self esteem is wrapped up in work and i'll tell you why. I've seen numerous women remain in relationships with utter twats simply because they do not have their own money. You only have to look at the relationship section of MN, whereby women in abusive relationships want to leave their abusive dh's but are unable to do so because of finances
I have a very loving relationship with my dh,but i feel that if he was the sole earner in the family, it is possilble that he may attempt to exert some control over the relationship ,if he was the only one bringing in the money.
My mother always told my sister and i that we should always work and i totally agree with her.It does not have to be in some high powered white collared job, it could be anything, but i feel that it is vital that women work. My dh knows that i love him but i don't need him
I have my own money, my own account and i know that he respects me because of this.

Forehead - you are making some good, valid points here.

In fact although I was a SAHM for long periods of time, thinking about it, I was only relaxed/happy about it as I still had my own income stream coming in.

We still have separate accounts and I was proud of the fact that my DH has never had to put money in mine even though I was off on extended mat leave for nearly 2 years one time and a bit less other times.

I think psychologically that part made a big difference for me. Maybe because my parents never got on well and my mum always claims that she never left my dad because she would have been broke.

I think as long as a woman knows she CAN get a job (as a result of her education etc), she will not feel 'inferior' to her dh even if she chooses not to work. I went to University and used to work in a relatively senior finance job, but both dh and I chose for me to stay at home and look after the kids and our house. I know I CAN get a job again and that I don't have to be reliant on dh.

completely agree.we were raised to be independent earn own money and not be dependant upon partner

i have my own account,own savings

we share nursery fees,mortgage and utilities.pay into joint account for these outgoings

Education isn't just useful for earning money. I am at least as well educated as my very well educated DP, and we have overlapping skill sets - he knows how to do things I don't and vice versa, and there is a whole lot of stuff in the middle we both know how to do.

Some of the skills that I have and that he doesn't (or has to a lesser degree) have come in very useful in our family life in the past few years. I know for sure that we and our children would not be where we are today if I did not have those skills - and DP knows it too, and respects me hugely for that.

evamummy - getting a JOB after years and years at home with dc and not working at all is not the same as having a career. It is a sad but unavoidable truth.
I don't think that getting a JOB has anything to do with an education but a career does.
Just throwing that out there...

Very true. Evamummy I think you'll find that getting back to your old senior role would be very hard after a long while. Unless you are very very lucky I guess.

How strange, someone asked me the same question today!

I used to work 3 days a week as a primary school teacher and when DS came along decided to become a SAHM. Before I left my boss offered me a one day a week contract but I was completely certain, at that time, that I wanted the full SAH lifestyle. I adored being a SAHM with my DS.

But as another MN wrote, having a single baby compared with a toddler and new baby is a very different experience. SOOO much harder IMO!

I found having 2 little ones and being at home all the time very very hard so I now work 2 days a week and it suits everyone extremely well.

I do sometimes beat myself up about not being the SAHM I though I would be but then comfort myself with the fact that I have been very lucky to have all that time with just me and DS and, now, not to have to work full time.

And I do own some Cath Kidston tea towels and made Nigella's chutney last week.....

I have three DCs and this is my second year being a SAHM. And I'm really glad I'm doing it and that I can. I've worked full-time and p/t for the last ten yrs, started working straight out of uni. Now is my time to mind my children, to be there for them, etc.
No regrets.

But what happens if it's works out better financially for the mother to stay at home? I'm not being argumentative, I'm genuinely asking as I'm looking for FT work at the moment but very few of the jobs would see me break even, never mind make a profit, after childcare costs (and yes, childcare costs are temporary but we're talking years not a matter of months before youngest DC goes to school).

DH working less/doing more childcare is not an option as he earns more than double what I do.

Nice point, Bonsoir.

than I do..ahem...

staranise, it is a very good point. I would be totally demotivated if I had to work not to make a profit. In fact I am pretty sure I wouldn't do it.

Staranise, that's a fair point, but most of the sahm's on this thread have chosen to stay at home because they WANTED not NEEDED to stay at home. Let's be honest, in most cases if both people work they are going to have a better standard of living.