to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

a lot of people who chose to be sahms sound like they weren't very keen on their jobs - is there anyone who really loves their job (not just the money) and has found it a real struggle?

I have a 12 month old DD and made the decision not to return to work. Am now eight weeks pregnant with number two. I absolutely think I made the right decision to stay home although I have to say that my views on childcare for my daughter have changed a lot since I made the decision at 8 months. She is a completely different person now, far more independent, and if I hadn't had the luxury of a choice to stay home I wouldn't feel as hesitant about childcare now she is that little bit older.

I have said 'I' throughout as the decision to stay home has really been more mine than my DH; although he has been supportive, I think deep down my husband expected I would return to work PT and it has been a small sore point between us as we renegotiated how life works with me as a SAHM.

At this stage I am thinking that I would like to return to the workforce four days a week max when the younger DC is two (all going well with the pregnancy). I would also like my DH to consider going to four days a week at that point as, prior to our DD, we were on an equal footing career and salary wise. We shall see...!

Ultimately, with the best laid plans it's hard to know now how I will feel in future about the decision to be a SAHM. But right now I can't see any good reason to leave my children with others for these few short years.

And I know just how fortunate we are to have that choice.

oh god yes. I am constantly torn between balancing the needs of 3 young dc and my own work ambitions.

After ds2 I wnt back on 2 days a week because at the time we just could not afford nursery fees for 2 for 3 days(whch is what I was).

2 days a week just about brought enough in. Tbh if we could have managed without my wage I would have given up then as it was such a struggle. dc were 2 1/2 and 1 at the time. The job was very stressful. In the end I went n to nights and evenings. It has suited everyone else in the family but it hasn't suited me.

I hate nights, I can't cope with them and the team isn't that great.

But there's a happy ending in sight because next week I start a new job that involves days, I'm still going to be part time, increased hours though, but at least I feel that I can achieve a balance for everybody.

nevercansaygoodbye, I love working/my career but my most recent job?...not so much. So it has been hard to step back but not as hard as it would have been in previous jobs which I had loved.

should have said that the job was stressful but if I had been full time and with older dc or no kids I would have loved it and definitely would never have left.

I gave up work entirely until dd went to school

wish I hadn't

i am a nurse and have had to do a return to practice course and effectively start all over again

I hear what you're saying, OP.

I jacked in a very well paid job with good prospects to stay at home when my first child was born (and had a second child in that time). I don't regret it, but it did bugger me a bit career-wise and has impacted on me in other ways - loss of social network, loss of confidence etc - which have taken some years to get 'back on track'.

I don't regret it, as I got to stay at home when my children were babies and I decided to retrain for a new career, so I have benefited from not rushing back to a full time job...

...but, I am now in the situation where I am retrained and qualified and have to decide whether to take a a 'mum job' (e.g. a lowly paid, low-status, part-time/term-time job) to fit around my kids or to go for a job that I know I'll love and that will give me the status, money and intellectual stimulation I crave but with full time hours. It's a tough one.

I am swaying towards the latter. My oldest is in Year 1 and my youngest is at nursery, and I have to somehow decide how I am going to proceed foe the rest of their school lives. Am I going to be the one who's at home / doing drop-offs and pick-ups etc, or am I going to sacrifice that to have a career? And as selfish as it may sound to some, I need a career. Need it. I just cannot justify with myself, really, the fact that I have spent my entire teens and twenties educating myself, working and training, only to jack it in because I became a mother. Why should I?

Rambling thoughts from me, anyway. Interesting topic.

Good for you, peppermum. Things have paid off for you for now in terms of your family life but what about financially? That is the point of my post - not that women don't make compromises that work out sometimes but that they never think seriously enough about the impact on their financial well-being of those compromises.

You should read Leslie Bennetts' book to see what point she is making. Do you have your own pension? Do you own your own property, independent of your husband, or with your rights secured? Do you have access to your own cash and savings? Can you access a credit line independent of your husband? If the answer to all of these is no, then you need to start thinking about your financial future. A man is not a financial plan!

I have not even had my baby yet (29+6) - but I can sort of relate to you. When I found out I was expecting I was just finishing my 2nd year of medical school and I decided immediately that the only option was to take a year out as I panicked and really didn't know what to expect with the pregnancy/birth/early days etc. I went to see one of my tutors and she suggested another option was to just "keep going" as long as I could and then decide from there which I poo-pooed at the time. So I moved from Manchester down to Devon to be nearer my DP and our families but now I am sooo jealous of everyone who has gone back to uni this year. I am not even "resting" as such as I have been having to do temp work full-time to keep the money coming in! Plus, when I have been out of work briefly I have got really bored. I know it will be a whole new kettle of fish once the baby is born and I have been very lucky to have an easy pregnancy so far, but I can't help thinking I should have just stayed up in Manchester, made DP move up there and carried on studying and milking the student loan til I dropped! And then just got back on it not longer after baby came! May be deluding myself though! Although I think I've learned about myself that I do thrive under a bit of pressure and enjoy a fairly brisk pace of life.... Anyway, hope you find a resolution! Why not get involved in some voluntary stuff if you don't need the money and going back to your job isn't an option? Will offer a bit of a challenge and you could see how you go - then if it's too much you can always jack it in again!

I'm a bit further down the line than you, my DC are 4, 6 and 8.

I decided to work PT after having DC2. It was totally the right decision at the time, I loved being at home with them when they were little. However now they are all in school I would quite like to increase my hours and get a better job, but it seems nigh on impossible in the current economic climate.

I don't think though whether with hindsight I would have given up the time with my DC in order to have a better job now.

Good to have a discussion of this topic that hasn't descended into the usual slanging match!

I never saw myself as a SAHM because I saw the frustration of my mother's generation as their children got older and they struggled with their own identity (and for financial reasons, were very definitely stuck with husbands they may or may not have wanted to be with).

Had to go back ft when DD was 3 months as my then H was looking for work. She's nearly 3 now, and I've been working ever since. Of course I get twinges when I would like to be with her, but she loves nursery. It feels like we (ie. DD and me) are both busy and engaged with the world and that feels pretty good. It's just as well that I wasn't financially dependent on H, given that he is now an ex.

That said, I can totally see how the balance changes when you have more than one child, and the juggling act gets much more difficult, and being a SAHM makes logistical sense. I'm also worried about the logistics of DD starting school, but will hopefully be able to negotiate more flexible work patterns with my employer.

I think women need a trade union of their own to do some collective bargaining with employers for more flexibility. I don't mean to imply that only women should be responsible for childcare, but when something has to give, well, it's the woman that usually does so.

Cynic!

InMyPrime great post. My DM stayed at home when I was small and then had a series of v low paid, mainly part time jobs. My father was terrible with money, they eventually split after we lost our house so she got nothing from the divorce. She is now on her own, renting, no savings or pension, due to retire next year but not sure she even qualifies for full state pension at the moment. She is currently healthy and able to continue to work, but for how much longer?

I have one DC and another on the way. Went back to work when DD 7 months and DH stayed at home p/t with her and she was in nursery p/t. This is what we planned as I have better paid job and career potential, but I didn't realise I would feel differently after she was born. I was gutted when I went back, suffered depression, regretted it hugely. It was better when I reduced my hours and DH increased his a little when his work picked up a bit.

Whilst I have found working and being away from DD hard, I don't want to end up in my Mum's situation. Also we had very little when I grew up and I want to be in the position to help my DC out with uni fees should they go or setting up home or travelling etc. I also want them to have the financial security I never did growing up.

I know DH really values his day a week he currently has at home with DD and will miss it whilst I am on mat leave. Many men I speak to at my work and that DH works with (in a traditionally 'macho' line of work) want to spend more time with their children.

I think I have wasted a lot of energy in regretting my decisions, thinking the grass is greener etc and it is hugely comforting to read threads like this and know many other people also have similar doubts.

I wish there were better part time work opportunities out there for both men and women. That is what we should focus our energies on campaigning for IMO.

I was a SAHM for 6 years. Although I loved being at home with the children, it's not too strong a word to say that I loathed the bits that came with it- the endless cleaning, the implication that because I was at home all day I would almost always be around to do the cooking in the evening (in fact that still bugs me now that I work from home). I went back to university and did a further degree when my youngest was 2 as I could feel my brain gently sliding down the plughole. I was back at work full time when my youngest was 4 and have never regretted it. I got a lot of covert abuse from my peer group (NCT people) for going back so "early" but it suited me and I've never looked back. I just feel unproductive and fairly useless at home all day- being with the children is lovely but I just ended up thinking "this is not what I did a degree for".

I have been a SAHM for nearly nine years, and have loved every second of it. But I never cared about careers or felt the need for 'status'. I have a PhD and was a teacher at a top university pre-children; I have no regrets at all about giving it up, and have no intention ever of going back. I do some voluntary work now that the DCs are at school, but that's to help someone who needs it, not because I need to do soemething outside the home. I'm quite happy pottering with my garden and piano and writing and house renovations.

Oooh good thread! I was an RGN when I had DD1 but because I was in the RAF I didn't have a part time option and as DH was also RAF it was very difficult to go back. No guarantee of posting together, deployments clashing etc anyway as a result I decided to leave.

I could have worked in the NHS but I decided to SAH with DD1, went on to have DS and DD2 while travelling around with DH and as a result my registration expired - that bit i regret. I now have to do a return to practice course before I can even look for a job.

Not sure what to do now. DD2 is about to turn 2 and I think after 7 years at home I need to do something even if it's returning to Uni on a course rather than a job - just not sure what to do!

Your last line strikes a chord with me duchesse and I'm ashamed to say I have said that exact line once or twice to the DCs in the heat of the moment.

I have recently gone back to work part time after a years mat leave. I accept my hindsight may not be as long as other posters, but I can honestly say that its the best balance for me, my DD and DH. I work 3 days a week so have 4 days with DD and she goes to a brilliant nursery where they do things with her that I could/would never do (playing with hair gel laced with glitter anyone?) at home. It was hard for all of us at first and I did question why I was doing it at times, but she has now settled really well, waves me off in the morning when I drop her off and the time we have with each other at home is of much better quality. The only downside is when they get ill (and nursery is basically an immune system-building factory) and can't go to nursery - then its a bit of a nightmare!

I agree that both partners working part time, with flexibility for school holiday childcare by both would be amazing. In jobs that are fulfilling and draw on previous experiences and qualifications.

Maybe by the time my DC are at child rearing age, the archaic male dominated HR policies of business will have adapted.

I went back to work fulltime after dc1 as it was not the sort of job you could really do part-time...

I had a sort of plan that I would take a career break for a couple of years when dc2 arrived but that took longer than expected by which time I no longer enjoyed my job. I became a sahm when dc2 arrived and still think it was the best decision given the circumstances. However, anyone doing a job they enjoy I would advise to keep it going part-time if possible. It's much easier to get flexible working hours from an existing employer...

Am now back working part-time but in a different job which tbh is not very challenging & trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life!

duchesse
Please give us an insight into your childcare and family set up. IMO (I must be one of those NCT types!!) for a woman to manage a full time career she generally seems to have a partner who's around a bit more than average or grandparents on call. Or maybe you don't fit that stereotype and really do "have it all!"
*InMyPrime"
You have given me food for thought about my finances although I admit naively I imagine if he does leave me tomorrow I'll be entitled to something (the house and savings are joint!) I have a part time job and a small pension plan but like most of the population I haven't made enough provision for that. Perhaps I just live in the moment and feel that in many ways work is just overated and there are other ways to gain status.. and if the worse happens some time in the future I'll go out and get a full time job!

Sorry - made a mistake!
InMyPrime
You have given me food for thought about my finances although I admit naively I imagine if he does leave me tomorrow I'll be entitled to something (the house and savings are joint!) I have a part time job and a small pension plan but like most of the population I haven't made enough provision for that. Perhaps I just live in the moment and feel that in many ways work is just overated and there are other ways to gain status.. and if the worse happens some time in the future I'll go out and get a full time job!