to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

Definitely no!

I was a SAHM for 5 years and I am currently a self-employed freelancer and part-time childminder for school-aged children.

I was recently offered a full-time (45 hour week) employee position by a client company but I turned it down. My freelance work suits me better at the moment.

My decision to be SAHM during my children's first-years and to go freelancing now that my eldest is at school and the other at nursery was the right decision for myself and my family. Maybe when all my children are at school, I might contemplate working in a full-time 45-50 hour week position, but not for now.

bechka - I remember the joy of talking to people who neither knew nor cared about weaning and the like. It was wonderful

I have never looked down on SAHMs. I sometimes wonder WTF they do all day (the ones with DCs at school mainly) but that's by the by.

I find the idea of not working for a decade terrifying though. Whatever line of work you're in, so much can change over 10 years. Options for career changes aren't always that great, either. And the gap in pension contributions would scare me too (although obv. working PT these are pro rata).

I would hate to make myself vulnerable that way, basically.

Wow, some emotive language on here about child abandonment (or that's how I read it anyway, perhaps a nerve is being touched??).

When dd1 was 6mo I went back to work FT. I hated it. She was in nursery too long (imo) partly due to my 50 mile return journey. I had no choice though, nothing to do with not loving her enough or not wanting her to be brought up with love (wtf?).

Thankfully I changed job to one a bit closer to home, dh's career then took off so when dd1 went to school I went PT (3 days/wk). Now we have dd2 and I wouldn't change my working hours.

Working keeps me sane, gives me something other than washing and toddler groups to think about and means I speak to other adults on a regular basis. I don't feel that dd2 spends too long at nursery (although I would prefer to pick her up earlier but not possible atm).

DH now earns considerably more than I do but I don't feel guilty about that at all. His job means he is often out of the country and can't always pitch in with housework and school/nursery runs. The hours I do mean that I can pick up the slack with very little stress. My career is on hold, but I prefer it that way and I will be able to start up again when my children are older. I was never particularly ambitious anyway, I prefer an easy life to a stressful high flying one so again that suits me. All our money is shared anyway so who earns what is immaterial.

I admire SAHM's because it is a job with long hours and no holidays or sick leave. I admire anyone who works FT as I can't be arsed and they clearly have more staying power and resilience than I do. I admire anyone working PT because you end up juggling a lot.

What suits one family or set of circumstances may not suit another, we should each be able to do what is best for ourselves without being made to feel like shit for it.

So, please stop with the insinuations that if you put your child in childcare you somehow don't love them enough.

Right

So to answer the OP - I did what I had to do, when I had to do it. Hindsight wouldn't have changed anything. I'm sure many parents feel that they may have made the wrong choice further down the line, but all you can do is what you feel is best at the time.

Jenai - My worry about being a SAHM would be from the day the youngest went to school. 9 till 3 with nothing to do and 5 years out the job place. Sounds scary.

I'm a SAHM having given up a really difficult job. I miss the challenge and the adult conversations in the day time. However I do love getting to spend time with my child which I didn't have when she was in nursery 45hrs a week. I am thinking about something part time having been off since Feb. I do some voluntary theatre work but its not the same as bringing in £'s for the family.

I have been a SAHM for just over four years, and now that both DDs are in full time school I am trying to get back into work... right in the middle of a recession, yay! I studied while I was a SAHM so do have something non child related to show for the last few years. Don't know yet if I will regret being a SAHM or not, I think it depends if I manage to find a job or not!

I miss being financially independent, never realised how difficult that would be, as I had worked at least part time since I was 15 and always managed to buy the things I wanted (within reason, of course!). I think if I had my time again I'd work part time, because although I love being with the DDs I feel that my self confidence has gone now, and that will be difficult to get back.

No regrets, but I have been both a SAHM and WOHM. Left original career when DS1 (now 9) was 10mths old. Went back to work p/t in a different field when he was 2.5. Gave up again when DS2 was born and DS1 started school and was a SAHM (well, worked one half day of the weekend and volunteered) until DS2 started school. By that time, I also had DS3, who was almost 2.5

I have been back at work p/t for the last year and absolutely love it. Did not realise how ready I was to go back until I was back . It helps that I love this job and I am there to collect my boys at school close and that the nursery does school hours. In the holidays, my childcare is a trading affair with DSis who also works part-time. So all the children are looked after by us at no cost .

I agree with those who say it is a difficult decision to make when the baby is very young, just because you do not know how it will pan out for you. I always thought I would strap my children to my back and go marching up the career ladder. Going back to work when DS1 was 6 months old and was being looked after by my mum should have been a breeze. Instead I was crying at my desk for the first few days and the following four months, I was blooming miserable.

Somebody picked me up on me saying "i prioritise my kids" - no, I'm not saying WOHM don't which is why I said "speaking for myself". I knew someone would as I wrote that, which is why I've come back to it.

I put my children first because there are 4 of them, they are young, we have no help and their father works away. I feel there is a price to pay for being this way - and I have lost a bit of me. I'm not a martyr to my children, but it does make me a bit sad and sometimes I grieve that loss.

Parents, WOHM or SAHM, should retain a bit of themselves for themselves and I think working helps keep their identity.

SAHM for 6 years now, have 4 DC.

Gave up career as it was in London and involved a lot of travel so not child friendly at all. We moved to the other end of the country and tightened our belts to enable me to give up working.

In an ideal world and with the benefit of hindsight I would have done a different degree and had a job that wasn't so specialised whereby I could work PT hours. Ideally I would want to work maybe 2 days a week, although given childcare costs for 4 I don't think this would work.

jamielee I only have the one, he is 2, i have certainly felt hostility to the point where a few particular mums dont even speak to me now since they have returned to work, it doesnt bother me, its my decision and i feel its for the best, but i did feel a little bit hurt at the comments of get back to the real world with the adults etc
Each to their own i say, and i wouldnt judge anyone who went back to work, its whatever works for each family and i feel this is what works best for us x

no regrets - have worked part time since going back after 12 months maternity leave with ds (now 6).

i dispute that you can 'pay someone to look after your children but not to love them' - we have been very lucky in finding a wonderful nanny who really does love the kids.

appreciate i am lucky to have had choices

the kids are happy with the situation, i am financially independent from dh and although my career is essntially on hold (doing part time low key role), it could be revived fairly easily if i chose to.

interestingly i don't think the balacing act gets any easier though - mine are both in school now and i am seriously thinking about reducing my hours further so i can be there more for them in the holdays/after school.

Language around thios subject is always going to be emotive and guilt inducing. Even by stating the positive reason for your own choice you are insulting someone else's choice be default.

Work keeps me sane, I would be sooo bored means to a SAHM You must be tedious and dull
I love my dcs and love bringing them up myself means to a WOHM you don't love your dcs and leave them with strangers.

WE really can't win, can we?

It does not have to be a stark choice of working full time in a career and sending the children to a nursery, or being part time / SAH and waving goodbye to your career prospects. Self employment is a good alternative to being a SAHM or part time employee, and can also work for SAHMs wanting to get back into work who don't want to face the cost and time of retraining.

After redundancy I set up a company. I work most of my hours when the children are in bed. Childcare is mostly shared between DH and I, with our younger child using the free preschool provision so we have no childcare costs as such. It is hard but it is possible to work it if you have the right career background and a flexible partner.

I was a SAHM for a short period and I really did not enjoy it.
however, I don't regret it because it gave me the opportunity to do something entirely different from my previous career and make a go of that. If I'd still been working full time I don't know that there would have been the space and time for sucha rethink.

That said, I know lots of Mums whose children are now older and are finding themselves with no career, no pension and increasingly on their own.

I made absolutely the right decision for me. I stopped going out to work. BUT while I was in the UK I worked at home - I had a job that I could do for a few hours a week, without impacting greatly on DS, that brought in some cash and that I enjoyed. IF we had stayed in the UK that is what I would still be doing and still enjoying it.

However, I didn't stay in the UK - I emigrated to Australia with Aussie DH. And lost the ability to have that luxury of working in the home (not going to explain why, too complicated/longwinded). I am happy being a SAHM without a job now, but would quite like to get a small part time job to bring in a bit of money, just so that I don't feel quite so bloody dependent on DH.

However - and I have wondered this aloud on another thread recently with no response - I do wonder whether this is because I am an older mum. I worked for 25 years before I had DS so was quite happy to stop when I did have him; might have been different if I had been a lot younger and had a different career path.

I'm a man and subject to different social pressures (Much, much easier for me). I have, however, spent long periods as a parent without employment (hates SAH-nobody stays at home surely?) engaged in childcare while my partner worked.

I have to say I find being a working parent very hard and it fills me with guilt. When my first son went to nursery I would find myself literally feeling his hand holding mine at work, and being sick at lunchtime at the thought of him alone. I am always aware that we have little money, and worried that what we can give our children is not being given. And, as I get drawn into schools and services, I become aware how little time I have to just do the research and pushing which I'd like to. I have a job I love and have worked hard at and for, but will probably relinquish it if I can gain training as a teacher, simply to allow me to spend more time with the children.

But on the other hand I am glad that the time I do spend with my children is so special, that much that i would have to concentrate on (eating, social development) is reinforced and done for me by nursery, and that I meet adults who aren't parents (at least at work). There is nothing more refreshing than a conversation about behaviour with an adult which starts 'I did that' rather than 'DS/DD did that'.

And my partner likes being an employed Mum, to the extent that my even saying what I have said above can be tricky (pressure on women again).

Personally, I'm always sceptical of anyone who says 'no regrets'. It might be the right decision and suit you, and you might really enjoy it, but no 'sliding doors' moments in my life have ever been so clear cut, there's always a 'what if' hanging around.

I also think this is a lovely thread. there needs to be somewhere where we can say 'I did this, i don't think you should' (depsite the fact we need to justify things to ourselves) and also 'I do not find everything rosy, but would not wish to do something else'. Thank you for starting it.

Erm, no regrets, seriously. DH and me had the power to make the decisions I made re working or staying at home. There were no pressures or 'having tos'.

So am a bit as to why you think there will always be a 'what if'.

" I think it is easy to perceive judginess on both sides, but I think if you are reconciled to your choice, whatever that is, then you will be able to shirk off any criticisms. "

Brilliantly put, JamieLeeCurtis.

working I suspect that the public sector jobs freeze is making you feel insecure about your career and thus wondering if you made the right decision

I think that working two or three days a week is ideal (I work five due to financial needs), as you really do get the best of both, but the problem is that the grass is always greener on the otehr side isn't it?

Adeloa - you sound lovely :) MY DH is a SAHD and I think he finds it quite challenging too!

I think it must be a challenge walking into the kids school each morning and being surrounded by Mums all chatting away to each other, I know he feels quite isolated

DS1 is 6 and DS2 has just tunred 4.

I have gone back PT this year and love it. I don't regret for a moment being around to raise my children, but I bitterly regret not going back to work earlier and making DH go PT (4days) and doing his share of childcare.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to reduce your hours to raise samll children, but I think it's awful that men aren't forced to do more.

no regreats whatsooever . i had no carreer when i got pregnant , i was in & out of temporarty jobs , and had to give up work at 12 / 13 weeks preggles as i had a god awful pregnancy where i was fainting all the time , anyhow , i digress... i chose to be a SAHM , and i still am , even though my partner & i split & my son is at school . money is tight but theres no money on earth can make up for the time ive spent with him and continue to get with him pre& post school every day .

I work PT and have done since my DD (now 8y) was born. I have no regrets about giving up my career and reducing my hours down to spare more time with DD. If anything I almost wish I had given up even more work hours, but the balance between keeping a set standard of living financially and being with DD worked well for me to work about 40-50% prorata.

DD is 8y now and I still work PT and have no plans to up my hours at all, nor return to my previous career - at least not for a good while yet. I lvoe being able to cllect her from school each day, do things with her, spend the school holidays together, etc.

Here's a suggestion to those scared of PT or SAHM due to loss of financial independence. I'm surprised not more people do this...

Put all income (whoever earns it) in a joint account from which all bills, shopping and DC expenses come. Pay yourselves THE SAME cash sum each month into personal accounts for your optional extras and gifts to each other. I, for example, buy clothes, DH buys CDs. If it's feasible for you, make sure the earner has adequate ASU insurance, and consider private pension payments for anyone not getting this benefit through an employer.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar - you've hit a nerve with the fact that being out of work 10 years and no pension contributions would make you feel

i hadn't really given it much though when i was growing up, or even well into my 20s and early 30s... my H and I working 3 days a week each just really fell into place after we realised it was possible, BUT

2 years ago when my dad (always the breadwinner) became ill (long term sick due to accident at work, or rather the injuries sustained at work really), found out the benefits they're entitled to won't pay for their (relatively modest life, they still have a mortgage) it's put HUGE financial pressure on them, and i realised how this is so important

my mum hasn't worked in 20 years (although was part time for a while when we were younger, so more like a 12 or 13 year break)... and no NI contributions, no pension in her name, been out the workplace so long she's had to go on free government IT training courses which she's found very very stressful as an older employee, discrimination at interviews even for minimum wage jobs, there's such huge competition!

Basically my mum is totally fecked and she's just trying to get a job, any job, to plug the money gap until my dad's re-evaluated benefits claims are sorted, if they can figure out how to draw his pension before his normal retirement age.

it's been very stressful, and the last 18 months have made me realise just what my mum was sacrificing when she gave up employed work when we were all young - it was so much more than just a wage packet each week.