to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

Sadly not as it was a consequence of the credit crunch - I worked in a bank. Went p/t before the crunch- whole dept made redundant about a year later. So just bad timing really.

Going back to work 1 day a week from next week and dd will go to nursery. She is 7 months.
Really interesting and honest thread here.
I have some q's for the SAHMs - do you feel guilty buying anything for yourself sometimes? Does it feel very strange not contributing to the kitty or having disposable cash to buy luxuries for yourself?

DD is 19mths.

I wanted to go back to work, but it wasn't possible. Long story.

I agree that a toddler is different, and actually I think the best option for my child would be a few days a week in nursery. She would love the activity and being very shy could do with more time with other DC.

For me, I would like to work a few days a week.

If I can I will.

Doigthebountyeater, that's exactly what we do (3 days a week each and Wednesdays at nan's - that way we get more than a single salary and if one of us loses our jobs we're more flexible with keeping in the workplace... it also helps that H knows exactly what looking after the kids entails, because he does it just as much as me, so it all works out much easier than friends arrangements with SAHMs or SAHDs).

But we were only able to do this because we met at uni and were therefore roughly in the same place with our careers - in the charity/social work sector I found it much easier than my H to get an employer to let me go 60% pro rata. H ended up having to move employer. Although he is in a traditionally male dominated environment (IT, he's a systems programmer for a multi national) so that wasn't a surprise.

I know from the experience of friends that this "job sharing" arrangement between couples isn't easy, financially possible or even desirable a lot of the time!

interesting thread! I have been FT (my dds are 6 and 3), but have negotiated PT from next year to be "term time only", which effectively means 80%, so I'm hoping that it will be not too much drop in salary and the girls will not have to do endless holiday club (I felt particularly bad about them having to do holiday club, it seemed like they hardly ever had time "off"). So I hope it works out.

If you don't hate your job and it's one where it's possible to be PT, it does seem the sensible option - on the one hand they're not small for ever and missing all that time with them is soul-destroying, but on the other hand they're not small for ever and I will want something to do once they've left home and don't want to bake cakes and pick up stones with me any more!

My DC are 4 and 7, so this is topical for me as DD(4) starts school in January. I've thought long and hard about what I want, and what I think is best for me and my family.

I never thought I could have kids - was told by a specialist when I was 18 it would be unlikely, so I merrily built a great career in my 20's and early 30's, travelling the world in the process. I proved everything I needed to to myself and others ( long, boring history on this ), and was just getting to a point where I started to wonder what it was all for. Met DH, had two children within 5 years and everything I ever thought my life would be was turned on its head.

The ferocity of love I felt ( and still do of course ) for my DC was unmatched by anything I could have imagined, and the thought of handing them over to someone else's care left me terrified. I have been a SAHM for 7 years now.

We live within our means, so no expensive holidays or clothes, restaurants or theatre trips are rare too. We spend our money carefully. We have to think a bit more about expenditure and wait for things, but there are no sacrifices I feel resentful of.

I'd love, like lots of women, to be able to add value in a local job working school hours, once DD starts school. The sad reality seems to be millions of well qualified and experienced women are searching for the same jobs, so they are like gold dust. I expect once I start applying in January to have many, many rejections, despite having had a previously impressive cv.

So, in answer to your op, no regrets. Yet.

That's a nice way of thinking of it GiddyPickle. Have been feeling a bit odd not earning a salary and not feeling like I have many 'achievements' anymore.
Think is due to my definition of 'achievement'! Have just started reading 'What Mother's Do' so hopefully that'll help a bit.
I feel very lucky to have the option of doing one day a week. Think that I will get a break, dd will (hopefully) enjoy nursery as a different day in her week and I won't have to budget very hard when it comes to running household. I had a 7 hour break to go and see my friend two weeks ago (leaving dd with dh) and the day after I was so much happier to be with her. Hoping to have that every week...

Very interesting thread. I am having a bad day today as a SAHM to a 2.5 DS, his behaviour has changed in last week or two so everything feels like a battle. Sick of housework etc and DH not noticing any of it unless it hasn't been done. Sick of having no money, being on my own most of the time, no adult conversation, no friends, no spare time or break from the day-to-day stuff etc etc.

However reading this has reminded me of the lovely things too and why I am a SAHM. I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave, so had no choice in the matter (I would have returned PT if the whole place where I worked hadn't closed down) but loved it, and the longer I was a SAHM the more I realised that is exactly what I want to do. There are lots of bad days though and sometimes I think you have to be reminded of the good, as it can be very lonely and isolating.

I don't think I've ever sat in a coffee shop with friends though, Hmmmm must be doing something wrong...

Shouted not really but this is not the place for my misery

In response to the question about feeling guilty about buying things for yourself.
You either have an arrangement where the main wage earner "gives" you money. Or you buy the bare basics and try not to be really pissed off when you struggle to find a pair of jeans that last longer than a few months because they are cheap crap.

I got pretty restless on a year's maternity leave with DS1, but HATED going back to work in London 3 days a week as well, it just felt wrong. Now have DS2, 6 months, and have found my perfect balance by working for myself, from home, in my spare time, and once DS2 is 11 months, will do 2 days full time and some evenings. I intend to carry on this way until they are both at school, as I don't want to miss out on their babyhoods and although I like their nursery a lot, I want it to be me doing the bulk of bringing them up. I know I'm exceptionally lucky to have a job that I can do from home in random hours, and I really feel for women who don't have any choice and have to go back to work (my mum was one). Working for an employer and having young children was very very difficult.

pomme - yes I really did feel guilty to begin with, and I felt I'd let the side down wasting my education etc etc. It took me a good few apologetic years to come to terms with something I'd done very willingly.

My has been really great in valuing what I do and I know that helps.

Coming on MN has helped me see that it was/is the right choice for us

.. sorry, that second-to-last line should read "My DH has been really great in valuing what I do"

I was very lucky to have a choice. I have never returned to work F/T after the DC's. Did 3 days a week once DD was one and then resigned from that post when I had DS. This time I've worked even less- just bits and bobs here and there; supply teaching and tuition so I can pick it up or leave it as and when I want it. Obviously, I do more when we need the money and less when we don't but it's also really handy to be able to not work when e.g. me or kids need Drs appointments/when DD started school etc.

I don't suppose I can really call myself a WOHM or a SAHM. I work anything between 2-20 hours a week and even less in school holidays. But I feel like a SAHM. My career is really unimportant to me at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy working and I need the mental stimulation but I really don't miss working F/T.

So, for me, the pros have been:

Being with my children while they're small.
Not having to pay someone else to look after them.
Spending summer days on the beach or in the park.
Having time to do all the admin type home stuff and to cook proper food for the family that I can take a bit of time over. (I couldn't do this if I was working FT; I know some manage it but I wouldn't!)
Enjoying lazy mornings in pjs rather than stuck in rush-hour traffic :)

Cons:
Totally lost my place on the career ladder (but I don't much care; I am considering a career change anyway when I eventually get back to 'proper' work)
Loss of income (again, not a problem; we've tightened our belts etc)
Stress- I'm not the most natural mother in the world and it's been a real struggle at times but I think I've done an ok job overall and hope my kids will turn out ok.

OP- I have recently seen a very similar convo on a different forum...the place you're talking about isn't a pink one, is it?!

I'm glad I can work part time. I'd be a basket case if I was full time - no sleep at night yet - but part time suits me well - I get to spend the afternoons with DS, but have daytime to mn work, and speak to other adults, very occasionally go out for lunch. I quite liked mat leave, but was not too upset to come back to work. I'm very lucky to be doing a job I like, with very flexible working conditions, and with a fabulous on-site nursery.

My salary is just under twice the child care costs, so for now, it makes sense for me to work. My contract is unlikely to be renewed in 2 years time, so we'll hopefully have another child then, and I can become a SAHM (unless another job comes up!). But although I'm perpetually exhausted, I'm happy the way things are now. I am so happy not to be solely responsible for a toddler 24/7 too...

Agree re the saving in nursery fees: ours were something hideous like £800 when DD started and I HATED the fact I couldn't stay off work (which we both wanted) and save us that money. On the other hand, it only lasted for a short time and the good of the family was better served by taking that short term 'hit'. But it felt totally counter intuitive.

Ronshar - then start another thread. Your post really struck a chord with me: you sound truly flat (or flattened) x

I am currently on a long mat leave with DD and will be going back full time in Jan.

Even a few months ago, I was pretty sad about this, how will DD manage, she is so little, etc. But now something has changed (hormones?) and I am looking forward to getting back to work, bringing in a full wage, socialising with people who are not necessarily child-centred, enjoying challenges of a business rather than domestic nature etc. Also DD seems so much bigger and more robust, I have not so many concerns about leaving her.

Ronshar - I would seriously consider Voluntary work. It was a life-saver for me. It's a way to dip your toe in the waters without a long-term commitment, get your confidence back, wear different clothes. The scope is really broad - it doesn't have to be stereotypical stuff like working in a charity shop. I have done admin stuff at the central offices of a large charity - got up to speed with IT, worked at a Museum, and done reading and admin help at my sons' school.

This website is a good place to start : www.do-it.org.uk

I am a sahm and dont regret it, couldn't really imagine chosing differently but then I have never really worked I had dc as soon as I finished studying so work is not really on my radar at all, I don't have a clue about it or cant imagine myself in that kind of role and am happy @ home with kids. Cant really imagine i would earn enough to pay childcare for 2 small children anyway so even if i wanted to i dont think it would be practical. However if for some reason I end up on my own without dh I would probably start regretting it @ that stage but currently no

I love being a sahm and i believe it has had great benefits on our ds. I don't know if it's just me but there is a certain stigma even a hostility I have felt especially from mums who have gone back to work. I have heard the phrase when are you going to come back to the real world more times than i care to remember... Its quite disappointing especially from other women as I am proud that i look after my child and I believe it's doing the best for him. I had an excellent job before I had ds, do i miss it...NO! I love every minute i get to spend with my son

My situation was ideal for us. We had both our children while we were at university studying for our degrees full time. we had our first in year 1 and our second in our final year. We were both around all week to look after our children and they benefited so much from having us both there. We werent too well off, but my dp worked in the summer holiday when we came home to stay with our parents. Id definatly do it again this way, it was ideal. No other time in our lives will any other future children have the benefit of having both of us around like our first two have.

Now my dp works full time and I work pt at the weekends. If I could get to my work place easily I would try and work 2 week days instead but we will see what the future brings. Im just happy to have a job at the moment!

We halved our income for me to stay at home. The firm I worked for was not as family friendly as it pretended to be plus we relocated for DH's job, so it would have been an impossible drive to work (3 hours each way poss - on very little sleep).

I too feel lucky to have stayed at home and looked after my children. Looking after one was fine - easy. Looking after 3 on the back of five years of little sleep is far more challenging. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been a better mother if I had worked part time and not had endless endless meals to produce and suppers to clear up, baths to do (DH works away a lot).

I am now mid 40s and beginning to feel invisible as a SAHM with no children at home (since this Sept). Society does not seem to respect women of my age who don't have an income. I have spent this morning revamping my CV. I can't remember doing half the things on it, there is a recession, I haven't got a hope in hell of getting a (decent) job realistically, and feel I have really shot myself in the foot.

That said, I know what I did was best for my children and my family, so I have no regrets at all if I look at the bigger picture.

.. missmolly - how old are your DCs? I don't really feel that hostility, but then I tend to hang out with other SAHMs (whilst also being friendly with those who work PT). I think it is easy to perceive judginess on both sides, but I think if you are reconciled to your choice, whatever that is, then you will be able to shirk off any criticisms.

I did feel a bit out of it before the DCs started school. At that time, several of my friends went back to work and I felt like I was the only one who didn't

... Ha Ha - just read my post above. It makes it sound like I'm only friendly with people who work PT !!