to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

I gave up work completely when youngest was 18mths.

My two eldest are now at school (4&5) and I am pregnant again. I don't regret a second of being at home with them, and although I do sometimes have wistful dreams about the career I have given up I certainly don't miss the 7am commuter train or the nights fraught with anxiety about getting home so that I could actually see my children awake.

I do occassionally abstractedly wonder what I will do "in the future" but TBH the future is a long way off and as friends with older children tell me it only gets harder and harder to juggle. Once the children are grown if I want to work I am sure I will be able to do something.

Interesting thread this, its good to read pros and cons from both sides.

I am a SAHM and have been for 8 years now, my kids are 8 and 5. Youngest has been at school a year now.

I took voluntary redundancy when pregnant with my eldest and returned for the new company doing something similar for 3 months once she was 9 months old. It hit me big time being away from her and the childcare arrangements weren't ideal so I left for good. Haven't regretted being a SAHM at all BUT now things are alot quieter around here I am starting to hanker after some brain stimualation! But because I have been out the job market for so long its no picnic getting back into it. We don't have enough money to pay for me to go back into full time education and no childcare to back it up either. To top things off we have just found that out DH is about to be made redundant so things are about to get very interesting around here to say the least.

But do I regret being a SAHM for the last 8 years? Definately not. Would I have done it differently if I could have seen into the future? Definately not. It was right for me and my family but I have friends who work P/T and again that is right for them and their families.

So...back to the housework Anyone want to give me a job?!

It was and is right for me Have been doing for 12+ years now.

There are times when I get bored of course but most jobs are boring at times.
My vewe for myself is that I chose to have the children so I will stay at home for the children and thankfully I am in a position to do this.
The youngest starts school next year and I have no intention of working as I can't be at home when they come home.

"my children are my priority" - does that suggest that wohm mum's don't prioritise their kids?
FWIW - when dc1 was 6 mo I went back to work 2 days a week, 1 of which was trying to finish a PhD (meant working evenings and some of the weekend). I loved my job but it was really knackering. My dh went to a 4 day week until my dc was 18 mo so it meant he was in childcare 2 days a week. This seemed like the right compromise for us - 3 days was just enough for me to get on with work, and my dh doing a 4 day week meant he got to have his own very different time with dc and know about the tedium of minding a small baby as well as the highlights..
With dc2 I went back to work ft when she was 9mo and it was pretty disastrous, I mourned her when I wasn't with her, and was knackered/trying to make sure everyone had clean knickers and the house not a total wreck when I was.
I found when working ft my kids seemed almost an obstacle as I couldn't tune into them quickly enough.
I am now back to a 3.5 day week and my dh on a 4.5 day a week so the dcs are in childcare 2.5 days a week.
This seems to work for us. I still have a longing to be with my dcs but I love work as well and have sort of accepted that I'm lucky to have both, and will just have to put up with the contradictions of the situation.

TBH, I think for most people PT is an optimum (with a wide range either side).

My eldest is almost 11 and back then we had only a very short maternity elave and as we were relatively broke I went back to work by 9 weeks: I came very close to losing DH I kicked up so badly. With ds1 it was 9 weeks again but by then I had managed to find a very part time job, 15 hours.

I was desperate to be a SAHM though; absolutely desperate.

After ds3's birth I didn;t go back but went to college when he was a year and that worked amazingly. I was away just enough to not feel tied down IYKWIM but not feel any guilt or that I was missing out, whcih is how I felt with the older boys (nobody need take offence- MY personal feelings only).

With ds4 however the outlook has been far different: I am a carer as ds3 has autism and ds1 has AS, and haven't ahd the choces and you know what? Any enforced choice is a pita frankly. I'd love a pt job now.

It was right for me but I thought about it very carefully before hand. I have also kept in touch with my previous employer and would probably be able to get my job back, albeit with some loss of 'extras' I had attained by being there for so long. I have been off for 3 years and am now looking to return to work. I wouldn't want to be off for longer due to the difficulty in going back whereas 3 years to me sounds OK. I have gained a different perspective and confidence since being off along with enhancing some skills such as time management and so on. I have loved being with the children without all the hassle of trying to sort childcare, dealing with work and a sick child as well as being at the school gates everyday for my daughter. You never know what life will throw at you. Who knows you may have lost that job at some point anyway. I try and plan for the here and now with a cautionary eye on the future.

ps sorry for long detailed post above but I think if there is any way your dp/dh could do even a half a day a week that might be good - and if you like your job if you could increase it that little bit? I think it makes a difference in work if you are there close to 3 days a week.
I understand about your maternity leave, I had a great time on my first just carrying my dc around in a sling and meeting friends for lunch, but there are other pleasures with a toddler and an older child as well, you just interact with them a lot more!

I've been a SAHM for 6 years, I have two sons aged 7 and 4.

It suits me, I like a slower pace of life. I was a public sector worker before having children.

I juggled child care and part time hours after ds1 was born. I hated the stress of it particularly as it seemed he was poorly a lot and I would worry about having to leave in the middle of the day to collect him from nursery etc.

Yes the lunching with friends and babies is great, toddlers and rainy weather aren't so great I am lucky that I enjoy it, some people don't.

We make decisions that we think are the best at the time. As parents we constantly berate ourselves for everything, for doing stuff for not doing stuff. It's part of being a parent.

My kids are my priority too but I just don't know whats best for him/the ones I hope to have in future.

We live in a 2-bed, wouldn't be able to move if I didn't go back to work.. and while I don't really care, in a few years, maybe the kids will hanker after a garden etc. We are very far from family and I think relationships with parents/cousins etc are so crucial to kids: need the money to move.

I'm not sure that physically being there 24-7 (as opposed to 5 out of 7 days a week) really counterbalances financial concerns right now. I don't know that if I lose my job, being there 24-7 will make up for the loss of family income in the long-term. On the other hand, I wonder if doing 2 days right now makes my job less secure..

And really am going now

i dont know any mothers who do not prioritise their children over all else - working or not.

I'm going to go back full time after Christmas after 6 months' mat leave. I don't feel at all conflicted about it, but I'm in an unusual position as DH is going to be SAHD - he earned considerably less than I did before DS was born, so the deal was that he'd take on the childcare responsibilities (either by sorting out nursery pickup and drop-off or by doing it himself, and he's opted to do it himself).

My main anxiety is having had DS at all to be honest: I don't regret it on a personal level, but I'm also public sector, there are going to be compulsory redundancies where I work and I'm petrified of losing my job now I have a child to support. I got pregnant last autumn, after four years of trying, and the first suggestion of redundancies was when I was 4 months' pregnant already.

Butterbur . I'm sorry your H turned out to be so useless. Does he not see that children are a shared responsibility? I really wouldn't have had DS if there was any chance DH would have taken that attitude.

It's such a personal decision, and one definitely best made once the hormonal new born phase is over, or before it starts. I suspect that a lot of people are glad to give up a job that they never particularly enjoyed, as much as wanting to be with their children.

I have remained full-time in a very well paid job, and for me it was the financial security in the future as well as the present that was important to me; I am very conscious of the need to build up a good pension pot, and the need to make hay while the sun shines, as who knows when I may lose my job, especially in this current climate...

Well, I went back to work (very reluctantly!) when dd1 was 6mths, only 1&1/2 days a week. I secretly would have liked to have given up, but I put a lot of time and effort into my training and my career, so I felt I should "keep my hand in"

Scroll forward 2 more dc, and the youngest just starting pre-school, and I am now able to up my hours a bit again, and am even considering starting my own business.

I loved being a (mostly) SAHM, and immersed myself in it fully- baby classes, made lots of mummy-friends etc etc. But I kind of feel that time has moved on now, and my children's needs now are a bit different. I am SOOO sick of all the thankless SAHM-tasks- cleaning/ washing/ ironing etc, and if I can now make some extra money maybe one day I can enjoy my career again, still be around for my children after school and make enough money to pay someone else to do all the other stuff while I actually get to enjoy the time I have with the kids!

So I suppose, looking back, I'm glad I went back p/t and kept my skills current, as now it enables me to have new choices

my hindsight says i wish i had cut it back even further than i do now. and that i wish i had been able to do it for dd who is older now.

I regret going part time. After 9 years full time for the same company and only a short time part time I was made redundant. My redundancy pay was based on my p/t salary only and meant I lost thousands.

I find being a SAHM the most boring and soul destroying situation to find myself in.
I love my children. I have two girls at school and a two year old son. He has just started at nursery two mornings a week.
I hate housework, I hate meaningless chats at the school gate, I especially hate the way people look down their noses at me when I tell them I am at home with my children.
At least before I had some conversation. Something people wanted to listen to. Now I see peoples eyes glaze over as I talk about my children again.

However I know that my girls love me being at home and that life would be so difficult if I went out to work.

Being at home is wonderful for your children but be aware of the cost to your own soul.

I think it's easy to underestimate:

1. How hard it is to get back to work after a career break
2. How much easier it is to negotiate part time hours in your existing job, rather than in a new job

I wish I'd at least tried to go back to my old job after ML - it might not have worked, but at least I would know that from experience . . .

for me sahm was the right decsion, but your right it chances all the time.

my dd is only 3.4 but sahm with a baby is v different from toddler and even so with a preschool child.

its changing all the time.

too fast too.

i will alaways be grateful and happy i had the chance to really enjoy dds early years with ehr and i feel ive done a good job

Absolutely no regrets, I love being a SAHM and have never once had things like lunches out with friends, etc.(though I often did when I was in my career). I gave up my "dream job." The financial change was enormous, and I sacrificed a lot to have this, but for me it is all that mattered and I would have done anything within my power to be at home with DS. I am very grateful that we are able to make this work.

I went back to work full time when DD was 12 weeks old and the same after DS was born. No choice in the matter-I had the more stable job with the best pay. Fast forward 6 or 7 years and I dropped a day, fast forward another couple of years and I now only work two 12 hour shifts a week. I wish I could have done it years ago but those extra years working full time did let me become more firmly established in my career and I have an excellent part time post due to my experience and qualifications which I probably wouldn't have had I gone part time earlier. I do regret not spending more time at home when the DC's were very little-everything was a struggle as I was always knackered and so was DH but that is just the way it had to be.

Need to change my user name as the extra 1 is now out of the tum....... anyway, having had twins first and then another hot on their heels I never had the enjoying lunch with friends bit as this was not possible with twins, so it was pretty full on straight away.
I do love being a SAHM and would not swap though it is hard work.
I had a bit of a moment the other day though, it was really sunny and I found that my first reaction to this was genuine excitement at how many loads of washing I would be able to get done! I was successful in my career before having DC and I am sometimes shocked as to how my expectations have changed.
I have done voluntary work that I can fit around children and I find I read whenever I can as I feel the need to keep that part of my brain active.
My one concern is that when I do return to work , probably in a part time capacity and when the DC are at school, I will have lost my confidence, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

What LunaticFringe says on page one. I think I have the best of both worlds atm: part time job that I enjoy without caring about too much (i.e. not too much stress), and days at home with my DD. She gets 2 nursery days a week (lots of creative stuff I can't ever seem to do) and a day with my inlaws (who are more competent at parenting than me). Then we have a super time on our own for 2 days, before DS and DH come back into the fold for the weekend days.

I don't think I'd be that good as a SHAM (typo, but I think it sums up my eligibility for the role). I lack creativity and tolerance, and usually end up throwing money (of which we have little) around if I'm struggling to entertain the children. The time I found most difficult was looking after both children, before DS started school. I still shudder slightly at the dark days, when DD was a baby and DS a high maintenance 3/4 year old. I have nothing but respect for the women who can get through that with all parties unscathed.

I also love my work colleagues and really benefit from that adult interaction. I get a decent, fully expensed car and the ability to work from home if the sh*t hits the fan re childcare. I would never be able to secure the T&Cs I get, on a part time basis, anywhere else. So I think it is realistic for me to do as I'm doing.

I did hate going back to work when my DC were very little: 9 months was just waaaaaaay too early and I will never feel anything but grief over it, however much I tried to limit their time in childcare by reducing hours etc.

working9while5 - are you saying that you're not really enjoying your time at the moment? Because you're not alone and there are lots of ways you can make it better. Also, do you think you'll have a second child?

I have a 3yo and a nearly 4 mo, and would not want to go out to work. I love being a SAHM! Definately the right decision I made without a doubt :)

I do also realise I'm lucky and think of this every day. I know others have no choice but to work and would love to be at home all day raising the children. It's always a difficult one.

Dragon woman: can you prove that they were considering redundancy when you moved to part time hours? My pal was made redundant 6 weeks after returning to work p/t and successfully fought for the full time redundancy package.

Ronshar - you ok?