to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

gramercy thats the saddest post i've read on mn in a long time.

a sahm mother in the 50s didnt spend the whole day around her kids, going to play groups and coffee mornings. - she spent most of her time caught up in the drudgery of actually running a home. SAHM mothers these days have conveniences that women could only dream of then - washing machines, fridges, supermarkets, internet etc allowing them more time than ever before to spend with their children. Thats a tremendous step forward.

Society can and does change. With an ageing population and the challenges that will bring employers will have to change to fit around older workers and people who have caring responsibilities at both ends of the spectrum (children and elderly).

and, btw, I am looking FORWARD to a time where all women can be at peace with their choices without feeling they are being judged for the personal choices they make which are right for them AND their children.

Having said all that - I am currently working on a one month contract full time (having called in every childcare favour I had in the bank) and really enjoying it. It's the first time I have been office-based in 10 years and my brain aches from the workload, not to mention getting up, showered, dressed, make-up etc and kids to school before I get to work (no pjs on the school run for me this month). It has brought me newfound admiration for working mothers - I had plenty before, but now, seriously, RESPECT.

This has been a really interesting thread, with most people not banging on about how awful other peoples' choices are, but reflecting honestly. I think what has emerged is that the people who have been at ease, are the ones who were truly free to make their choice.
Chandon makes the point that SAH has been hard for her, but fine for dc's. I feel the same with hindsight, about WOH. It has been so hard for me but good for my dc's esp as they grow older. I suppose that is all we can aim for.
I think more employers could embrace school hours and probably save money in doing so. For example, a shop is often not at all busy until nearly 10am.
The return to work issue really needs looking at. There is help available for other groups in society such as long term unemployed. Parents need help to.

8 years in as a SAHM and no real regrets. We are financially secure with DH's job so very lucky in that respect and I enjoy looking after our 3 children 95% of the time (the other 5% I am pulling my hair out!!).

Sometimes when I meet up with friends who work I feel a little bit useless, as I don't really have an enormous amount to talk about, but then tbh I find their chat about their work (in finance) terribly dull.

If I had had a meaningful career before kids I would probably would have wanted to go back to it more but I had a boring (albeit well-paid) job in banking and would much rather be with my children than do that job again.

Each to their own, if you want to work more then do it. Arrange the best childcare you can and forget the guilt. Life is too short to feel guilty all the time. Tell your children you love them and they are special and get on with it!

Quite right Jafina. The people who are perhaps not the greatest parents in the world, would be that way regardless of their choice over work.

I beg to differ, HerHonesty. My mother was a SAHM in the 1950s (first family - not me!) and she loved it. Lots of women - well-educated intelligent women - all getting together and having a laugh. I think though she had a particularly good experience - that was in London.

Nevertheless, I could have quite fancied a country SAHM existence with Women's Institutes etc.

Now there doesn't seem to be anything to do in the day unless you're a pensioner and want to do Watercolour Painting at the Age Concern Centre or Studying Family History (get rid of bored retired husband) at the library.

li33i that's just marvellous. But are you planning to go back to work in the next couple of years?

What will you do?

What happens if your dp loses his job - or worse?

How will you be spending your days when you're in your 50s? 60s?

gramercy - if you did get a job now, would it have to be school hours only?

I'm very fortunate in that I WOH p/t, 22.5hrs a week (1 full day, 3 half days). I am also an OU student. It gives me a good balance.

It means I can do the school pick up 4 days a week and the drop off 1 day a week, so I am still able to be there for DD (our older 2 have left school) for most of the after school stuff.

We have a lovely childminder who fills in the gaps for us, including school holidays. Like many other posters, we have no family who can help out with childcare and so any childcare we need, we have to pay for.

WRT children's sickness and time off, I always keep 7 days a year of my A/L back/unbooked so that I don't lose too much paid time. Thankfully, DD is rarely ill and I have a very understanding manager so it's not too much of a problem for us. Sometimes DH does the sick leave thing when it is possible for him to work from home (not possible in my job) but mainly, it is down to me to cover it.

DD is in yr4 now and, ideally, I would like to increase my hours, but again like others on this thread, I work in the public sector and we have a freeze on recruitment and hour increases, so it's not possible at the moment. However, when/if the opportunity arises, I will apply for more hours as I feel that I have reached the stage where I am happy to take on more as DD is less 'needy' than she was in the early primary years.

I gave up work when DS1 was 2 and I was pg with DS2. I didn't make a conscious choice to be a SAHM at that time, but my pg was difficult and I had to give up work. I realised once DS2 was born just how much I liked being a SAHM.

I think if I had stayed at work I wouldn't have had 4 DC, as I would have been unable to pay for childcare and I think I would have found it too hard, so in that sense I have no regrets about giving up work. I would much rather have 4 DC than my job! Also my DH works long hours and is away a lot, so a lot of the parenting is done by me. If I was working I would find it hard to go to school plays and do all the things that children need. I do think it has been the best thing for my children, so given my time again I think I would still be a SAHM.

That said, I have no career anymore, no earning power or pension and I am scared that if things go wrong with my husbands job, we will be up shit creek.

It's swings and roundabouts really. Whatever we do, it will be right in some ways and wrong in others.

Can I just say though that I might be deluded but I think it's not true that being in your 40s is too late to revive your career.

Maybe I am deluded but I don't think a person in their 40s is old when retirement age is now 66? That is over 20 years to build another career surely?

I suppose it depends on the industry?

scottishmummy - you asked about what nonworking mother's parents did -

I've been a SAHM for 7 years . My mother was a teacher ( now well into her 70's and a freelance education welfare officer )and has always worked. My father had his own successful business but after a management coup, lost all his money and ( as they were known at the time )two nervous breakdowns. He used to sit in a room for 24 hours, typing rubbish and basically gibbering. My mum held it all together, financially and emotionally for about 4 years, when I was entering puberty and beyond. My sister and I moved schools, from private to state, houses from grand to modest, and my mother also made us clothes as we couldn't afford to buy new. My mother worked full time and full time in the home. My parents relationship was profoundly affected, as was my own and my sister's view of the world - of people, of work, of the value (or not) of money, of education and of hard graft.

Because of my experiences in childhood, my biggest driver is that my DC have as calm and stable a teenagerdom as possible. I will fight to the death for anything that gets in the way of this.

Super thread - very insightful.
I have been feeling very sorry for myself as I desperately want to be SAH. I have 3 children under 4 and am currently on mat leave. I find the day flies and I still dont get anything done for myself as such but am so much less stressed and less of a 'manager' when I am at home full time. when I am at work life feels like one long to-do list and the logistics of it all can be overwhelming. Mind you I have a relatively stressful job that demands a lot of energy. I dont have a choice tho my family could not take it financially if i SAH.
This thread has made me realised that all is not rosy either side of the fence and there are a few things I aught to be grateful for. (namely wonderful DH who works opposite hours to me during the week so children not always in creche) It doesnt change how I feel but gives me a little perspective and takes the edge off. Thank you all for your honesty and insight.

TheOldestCat I don't know why you apologised to Li33i. Her post seemed to be designed to make others feel bad, smug just isnt the word for that attitude.

For me the difficult part of SAHM was that there is no credit for it - you lose your financial independence, job status etc. and can also suffer the envy of returners to work who do have no choice. There's no feedback,no monitoring or promotion- a wilderness after the workplace!! However, despite having scuppered my career (returned to work several rungs lower than I was before both in pay and interest of job, and I agree that's a HUGE downside!) I wouldn't change the years I had with my daughter for anything in the world. They are little for such a short time that IF you can spend that time with them, it's the most precious gift in the world (despite the tedious times!. We have done without things (hols, the up to minute toys/gadgets etc) but I know that at least the time was spent with each other, and that we both know each other really well, rather than paying some stranger to look after her.

i don't regret being a stay home mum but i also don't think i had many choices. i'm a single mum and i couldn't afford to have childcare. i used to work in a supermarket but it ended up i got about £20 after all the costs and childcare and it wasn't worth the stress as my little one used to cry for hours when i left her at nursery. ill definitely go back when they're older.

i dont pay some stranger to look after my daughter. I pay very well experienced nursery nurses who shows her love, care and attention every single minute of the day without ever veerng on to mumsnet.

Reading through some of the post makes me realise how fortunate I am in my employer and the choices I have.

I took an extended maternity leave and by the end I was really happy being a SAHM and did not want to go back to my high pressure career. My husband is a high-end earner and so (to a lesser extent) so was I. So we did not need the money.

However, as many have said - you cannot predict the future and I was uncomfortable with us as a family relying solely on my DHs income. I also felt that as an older mother, by the time the DCs had left school I would be at retirement age - so I really would be saying that I would never work in paid employment again.

So I manage to persuade my employer that there was a role that I could perform from home for a few days a week that I could manage flexibly depending upon the needs of my family.

I am so glad that I have this - my job as the potential to be flexed up as the kids get older. So really I seem to have the best of both worlds with a foot in each camp.

Well said HerHonesty

The level of childcare my children have is really fantastic.

I think that they are growing up to be happy confident and flexible individuals BECAUSE they are not with me all day.

No regrets here. Went p/t after mat leave with ds1(6), down to 2.5 days.
Now ds2(2) has been in nursery p/t for a year.
All works fine. I adore my job and the people i work with. Couldn't wait to get back, as my mat leave was ending.
Becasue I do accounts I could get another partime job relatively easily. And probably could up it to full time when I want to.
I often wonder if I should finish my studies and be a qualified accountant, but to be honest I can't be bothered. My salary is sufficinet now.

OP, if you have regrets, give it all a good hard look. Now. Regretting anything is so pointless. What do you ned to do to sort this ?

I just wonder where all the jobs are going to come from for people to work longer and for those to go back to work etc

Does anyone have any faith that our economy and thrive in the future? I feel really bleak about it at the moment the news is so depressing.

Like others have said. I think the point is that some of us have had choices. I chose to work p/t. But if you have, or had, no choice. then this is what makes it hard.

Personally I am a sah mum of 2 not so little DDs of 9 + 12 and I love it[o] Went back to work p/t when DC 1 was 9 mns but absolutely hated it (mainly due to the boss from hellI inherited whilst on mat leave so was rather relieved when 2nd unplanned DD came along 2 yrs later + was able to take career break(unpayed) But eventually I had to drag my sorry ass back to work once DD 2 went to school HUGE MISTAKE nightmare best left alone (I always seemed to be the only one in the office who had kids) but the upshot was I eventually handed in my notice after just under 18 months and have been apparently sitting on my sorry ass (as some people think ) for the last 2 years AND I LOVE ITmy kids are happier as they have an unstressed happy mum who is available to help out at their schools when needed and has plenty of time for them without the dreaded rushed atmosphere that was inevitably around when I was working WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHOOSE WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY

i can honestly say i've worked both P/T and been a SAHM in the last 9 years and been happy with both situations.

I went back to work P/T about 9 months after the birth of all 3 dc and totally agree with herhonesty - i could never criticise the care my dc received at nursery - they probably got more care and attention on the days there than i could give them on my days off since i had all the household jobs/shopping etc to do as well as try and do fun things with them. But i loved my job and the financial independence that came with it altho i did feel run ragged trying to keep everyone and myself happy all the time.

but now due to us moving abroad, I've been a SAHM for the last 18 months and I'm also happy in my new role! I like being there more for my dc and dont mind the household drudgery. But i wonder if this is because i dont see myself doing it forever (altho i'll be doing it for a while yet) - i often wonder what job i'll do once the dc are older and settled in school so maybe thats part of my contenment.

Really interesting thread. I think it is strange not just how little employers have progressed, but how little our relationships / marriages have changed from our parents' generation to our own.

If anything, my own experience suggests a backwards step - my mother went out to be the main breadwinner when I was seven and my father changed career to be at home more around our school hours. Dad and I did all the cooking between us (we didn't eat brilliantly but we ate reasonably well, my cooking got better and all 4 of us always ate together) and my brother, from age seven, was responsible for mum's post-work G&T! It worked, I'm not going to say I didn't miss her at times (first time I got my period being a big one, for example) but I'm sure Dad and I are closer than many fathers and daughters as a result. Mum's example and experiences taught me a lot, too.

Meanwhile step forward a generation to my own family life, I've come back to work part time (2 days 9-5, freelancing) but all the responsibilities for getting home for bathtime, getting dinner on the table every night, all the shopping and chores (OK, ocado order and cleaner) fall to me. I know this is of my (and my DH's) own specific making, but I'm not alone in this. On the days I am at home, I see one at-home Dad among hundreds of mums. All the local playgroups are fantastic because they are run by women who are desperate for something to plough their energy into, and if they weren't running playgroups they'd be running the country.

We live in London which I had always thought would be more progressive but if anything we have the 1950s set-up here and my parents up north in the 1980s were more radical.

Thanks so much to everyone who has been honest about their ambivalence/regrets (whether working or stay at home) rather than defensive of their choices. It helps to read something 'real' as I'm making the choice as to whether to go back to work next year, and if so, what sort of work to do.

I had to quit my job when DS was 10 mo old and be SAHM/occasional freelancer. I don't regret it atm, it's been wonderful, but it has left me totally financially dependent on DH and meant that he has to work like a dog to support us. We can barely make ends meet, let alone save for a pension or buy a flat. Also, when I look ahead to DSs teenage years and when he heads off to Uni/adult life, I just can't imagine being a 'housewife' when I'm 45 as opposed to a SAHM - I'd like to be doing interesting work then, preferably something I can do until I'm 85 or so.

DS just started Reception and next year I think he'll be ready for after school club, breakfast club etc. But I have no idea how much my qualifications and experience will count for after 3 years out of the conventional workplace (although I have done a tiny bit of freelance in that time). And I don't want to go back to the same industry I used to work in. I do feel very uncertain and there is a temptation to bury my head in the sand and carry on being an SAHM next year too.