to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

Exactly 2rebecca. This is what I am trying (and failing) to say. For most parents their circumstances and individual personalities will mean you need a different means to get the same end i.e. happy, loved, well educated, confident dc's. To go back to the OP, only you can know your particular circumstances and personality.

"Yes, its tight financially, but these days are golden - these days are the reason we are all mothers fgs."

Oh FUCK OFF YOU SMUG COW.

Don't speak for me with your "all". I've GOT to go back to work in a few weeks and posts like that speaking for us "all" are just crap. I feel like shit having to go back but I just have to. And a caravan isn't an option.

If it makes you feel better, I'm getting no sleep breastfeeding DC2- "golden" enough for you????

Twat.

Looking back, now DD has started school i'm very glad I kept working at least part time.

I've worked 2.5 or 3 days since she was 1.

Now she's at school i've shifted those hours over 5 days so i'm doing school hours only.

I've had alot of lucky you, wish I could find a job like that comments from other mums.

But it's not luck - my firm would never advertise my role as school hours only. I worked full time for them and got myself in a position where I could negotiate pt after DD was born. They wanted me back 5 days so it was an easy change to make.

If I had walked away i'd be faced with looking for a job in this climate, nothing locally so probably an hour commute each way, full time, no right to parental leave for a year. DD would have had to be in before and after school care 5 days a week.

I think alot of mums think i'll work when they go to school without thinking how that is achievable.

not bad - took 300 posts before someone got really upset. Might be a record.

I regret swapping roles with my partner. Although at the time we decided, he was made redundant and i felt i needed to get my identity back - it was a case of who ever found the highest paid job first and there's never a shortage of mental health work!

I stayed at home until my oldest was two and the youngest was one and a half. I naively thought that the 'serious' bonding was done. How wrong was i! The youngest doesnt want to know me and almost begrudges me being in the house on my four days off and my eldest started school in september and although i was able to take some time off to help him settle, i've had to rely on dad to spot any problems (he's good, he just aint me:)) and subsequently (or not) the oldest has started having terible nightmares and i hate having to leave the home knowing all is not well.
I would suggest to anyone mum that has the choice, to be sure of your decision and be prepared to have to stand by your reasons, you may be in for a tough ride!! best wishes.xxx

In four years on Mumsnet, I've never got upset and made a personal attack.

I'm sorry li33i - I haven't slept for more than a couple of hours at a stretch since DS was born 8 months ago and I'm not relishing my (necessary) return to paid employment in a few weeks. Last night I was in floods of tears from lack of sleep while reading what internet sprites thought of how I (or strangers I suppose ie my childminder and nursery) bring up my children. Ludicrous from me!

But that's no excuse for attack. I'm very sorry.

I totally understand your being upset cat, and you have made a very gracious apology. Most of this thread has been extremely thoughtful and reasonable, and you should focus on that, rather than one very determined comment. Returning to work is incredibly stressful, and when you don't want to do it is even harder. Hope you feel better and get some sleep soon.

I didn't at the time regret giving up work, it was a whirl wind of nappies and hormones. Having said that now in my early 40's with a teenager, I am it would seem unemployable. So have just started a small - very small business, fingers crossed.

theoldestcat - going back is hard but working parents love their children just as much as sahp. It is frustrating to read posts that seem to think otherwise, that are are made by posters who really do think they have made a choice that is better rather than different. Quite frankly I think that's bollocks. We all do what we have to do and we raise our children to the best of our abilities. I love my job, I love having my own income and I love that I give my personal energy and ability to improving the experience of people beyond my own circle. That's my choice. Nobody else chooses for me and nobody else lives my life. Nobody else chooses for you or lives your life. You're ok and so is your baby

Very very interesting thread. I wanted to be a SAHM, indeed was for a couple of years with my first, til my husband lost his job and we both just applied for everything going, and I found myself back in the workplace with my second only seven months old.

If you'd asked me at that point, I was filled with regret. I felt so terrible not being there with my second and really did drive to work the first day with tears in my eyes.

Now, I am not regretful at all. Given the way the economic climate has gone, I'm glad I'm working full-time and wouldn't seek part-time whatsoever, as I absolutely am in it for the long haul. I've got a pension, I've got financial security (I don't see myself independent to my husband, but we have relied solely on my wage at times), and I found I love my work too. My only regret is that we have had to move for work, and I feel this is disruptive for the children. I can't solve that one, but I am very conscious that this is a real penalty. One of us is now going to work away from home. Both parents working in the same geographic area in distinct careers seems impossible for us.

I would recommend to my girls that they think very carefully about their choice of career. I have friends who, after ten years at home, are now umemployable and wondering 'what next'. Now is not a good time to be in that position. I have other family (e.g. my mum) and friends who took some years out, but have now found ways back in, to jobs like teaching, or medicine, in which it is possible to retrain or keep up their skills relatively easily.

We are all going to have much longer careers nowadays. We are going to be working til 66, or even 70. So, if you took 10-20 years out as a SAHM, you still have twenty odd years after your last child goes to university. My mum was lucky enough to pick up her job again and work those twenty years to regain her pension rights (lost on divorce). We also know lots of older women living in poverty. You do need to be a bit selfish in all this.

people should do what suits them,their needs and well it will be a cold day in hell when anything on mn about working parents gets my goat

really its the precious moments mamas and biddulph tambourine that draws me in.or the anecdotal i know a woman who knew a woman and she said oh they beat dem children at nurseery

i have been called
bad mutha
irresponsible
greedy
negligent to leave dc with feral staff
and reminded by the precious moments mamas of all the widdle tings i miss

yeah yeah....

do suit yourself but dont expect external approbation for it,and dont have a nanny rooney if an online stranger disagrees.after all its words on a screen they dont know anyone circumstance

Cornettos I think you make a really good point. I'm currently a SAHM to DSs 1 (3yo) and 2 (newborn). I gave up a very well paid career to be at home when DS1 was born (decided to quit work before the birth, incidentally OP, so no 'newbabyitis' - in fact, life with DS1 was pretty ghastly for the first 3 months!!). Never regretted it for a moment, love being with them etc etc, as others have said. However, I really don't know what will happen when I decide to go back to work in some form, which will definitely have to happen (I would be bored at home all the time while they're at school, and DH doesn't earn much, so we've made lots of financial sacrifices). To be perfectly honest I'm in total denial about the future at the moment - I don't want to go back to my old career (satisfying, but high stress and completely inflexible in terms of hours), but I'm totally unqualified to do anything else. And even leaving aside the money, I don't want to become a mother who feels her life is over once her children leave home (I'm not saying that's inevitable for full time SAHMs, but I do know plenty of women that it's happened to).

So, in answer to the original question, no, I don't regret my decision at all, but it does leave some seriously unanswered questions about the future, which I will eventually have to face.

Personally, I think it's all about being flexible and not so wedded to one 'identity' that you can't change if your circumstances change. So, you might set up your own business, or retrain, or do a job much below your qualifications in return for flexible working or whatever. The days of women giving up their jobs (for the men) on marriage and never working again for forty five years (like my granny) are really gone for most people IMO.

a few interesting things that always run through threads like this:

1. how inflexible workplaces remain to part time workers
2. how little support there is for women returning to work post early years childcare
3. how expensive childcare remains making it impossible for many mothers to return to work
4. how the education structure also thwarts many women's attempts/desire to return to work as their children get older.

Its a sodding shame that every year thousands of talented women both drop out of the workforce and are unable to fulfill their genuine potential in the short and long term.

it would be great to have a thread on solutions to the 4 issues above .....

sorry correction..

Its a sodding shame that every year thousands of talented women both drop out of the workforce (because of the 4 issues above) and are unable to fulfill their genuine potential in the short and long term.

just to say i dont have any issues any women who want to be full time SAHM mothers, my interest is in supporting women who want to work a little, or a lot... or later in life.

If I had had access to quality affordable childcare when my older 3 were small I would have gone back far sooner than I did, no doubt about it.

I have always worked part time since having kids, but I mean really part time, sometimes as little as 4 hours a week. Since ds1 started school I haven't had any family help and didn;t want to use the childcare options around here, so I worked hours around the kids, usually in very low paid , menial jobs, which I'm still doind now. But whilst my career has totally suffered and we've had to really tighten our belts, I'm so glad I did, especially now I can see what teenagers are almost like!! Ds1 now really wants to do his own thing, he's 12 and can go to a lot of things with friends, he certainly doesn't want his old mum habging around after him! Ds2 is 9 and still needs us more, which is nice, TBH! But I can see in a few years the kids will be teenagers and quite independant and it makes me glad I had the time with them when they were small, you can never get back the times when all they want is you, it can feel very suffocating soemtimes, but to me its the only time before school kicks in and friendships becaome more impotrant to them than boring old mum and dad, so I'd always say if you can stay at home for the early years do so and enjoy the time spent with your kids, life takes over very quickly and that specail time whn they are you will nevercome back.

Dear Ragwort, you could be writing my story!
I, too deeply regret giving up work and 'relying' on my well-paid husband to look after us financially....well, the recession put paid to all that , no 'good job' any more, and however hard I try, the only work out there is caring or cleaning...nothing wrong with those of course but in mid-fifties, it seems I ,too, am unemployable. Be aware all you younger ones out there that nothing, but nothing is for ever.

Wow, ten pages later I return.. the thread has been very enlightening and thank you all for your perspectives.

Trying to pull together the experiences of so many women is, of course, impossible - but here's what I've gleaned from reading the posts so far...most women who became SAHM's do not regret that decision, as long as their family income remained stable. Some had a different experience and wonder how it might have been if they had a career to fall back on. Getting back into work, however, is a different story for most - regardless of how they feel about the original decision. P/t for both parents seems a sensible way forward for the future for many.. if the recession allows HR innovation .

I was interested in the point a few pages back that decisions here reflect personalities - whether you are a "go with the flow" person or a more anxious person etc. It strikes me it also depends on your history. Li2223 (?can't remember full handle) suggested that she would rather live in a caravan than miss the golden moments of being with her children.. but I wonder what her actual experiences of poverty have been.

Due to extremely poor financial management even before my father left, we had some years in absolute chaos and disarray. All very Angela's Ashes (without the prostitution, thank God ). We used to hide behind the sofa when people knocked on the door in case they were bill-collectors. The red letters were just chucked in a drawer, unopened, in total denial. The oven/hob broke down and couldn't be replaced for a year so we lived on home-made microwaved food which was truly horrible. The roof in the bathroom fell in and couldn't be replaced. When he went, it was so much worse.. because we had to move on no money and it was all very unstable and my mother would have died rather than asked for benefits.

It's easy for any individual to say they would "do without" for the sake of spending time with their kids but, really, having no money is hugely stressful for families and children. The prospect of being faced with poverty when elderly similarly fills me with dread. I don't consider myself at all materialistic, but would I live in a caravan to share golden moments? No. Those golden moments would inevitably be tainted by the stress of poverty (which we know has a far more significant impact on child development than form of childcare).

I am also becoming increasingly sceptical (from a personal point of view) that when you have a number of children you really do share their golden moments. When they are no longer toddlers, surely they play together and try and experience their "firsts" out of view where possible... which leads me to wonder, if I were at home, whether my role would be about cleaning/cooking rather than spending time with my children. I don't want to be a "helicopter" parent orchestrating my kids' play and I feel I would be the type to if I were at home (due to my intense hatred of housework, mainly ).

Lots of food for thought.

I do not regret becoming a SAHM.

I would say, for our family, especially the children in question it has been the ebst decision. We had to move country three times since they were born, and I had to be the "glue" that kept it all together, deal with the homesickness, settling in, finding schools, doctors, new friends etc.

HOWEVER, I do not think it was the best for ME, personally, it was hard work, emotionally, and frankly quite "thankless", I do not think DH can even begin to understand how hard it was, living in the third world with no friends or family nearby, him on trips all the time, with a baby and toddler in a the boiling heat (too hot to go out between 11 and 5!!!). Don`t know how I did it really.

But the kids are more important than I am. Since having children I am no longer the most important person in my own life. Is that sad or good????

Now they are at school, we are in the UK and hoping to stay here, I am working on a strategy to get a life back for me-me-me. It`s time.

No regrets though. No decision is for life, you can always change if it not longer suits you.

I have been a SAHM for 12 years.

I readily gave up my career because I had had a rotten pregnancy, a hideous birth and knew that with no family support I was looking at a life of unsurmountable difficulty if I returned to work. I subsequently had another child, and the fact that dh often works away and never gets home before 8.30 dictates the form of family life.

Now I'm in the same boat as thousands of other returning middle-aged women. "Hello, I have a big brain and lots of qualifications. BUT - please can I work between 9 and 3 and have 12 weeks holiday? No? Oh, bye, then."

But all those posters who bleat about how inflexible employers are etc etc, how could many jobs possibly accommodate you if you want school hours? It wouldn't be fair to the business, let alone the other employees.

Sometimes I wish I lived in the 1950s. You could be a SAHM in peace then without feeling you were being judged as a useless parasite by people with a tenth of your own braincells.

HerHonesty - absolutely.

I think an additional, and pervasive, issue is how childcare is still seen as a woman's domain.

My dh would really have liked us to do a 4 day/4 day split initially (3 days childcare for ds) but it was made clear to him in no uncertain terms that he would not be granted even a compromise on this (a nine day fortnight, compressed hours).

His female colleagues have been granted p/t working. Apparently, it's "due to the nature of [dh's] role".

gramercy, that is so sad but so true

I do not feel the pressure of society though, or MN when it comes to returning to work. I want to go back mainly because....I am bored.

I have good degree and would just like to use my BRAIN.

And wean myself off MN, haha

wiltsmum - sorry to hear you are in the same situation as me, it is very hard isn't it? I do feel that a lot of the 'younger' mums on this discussion are in denial about how easy it is to get back into the job market. Women in their 40s and 50s (and 60s) are very 'invisible' in society, and sadly on Mumsnet on many occasions. A friend of mine in her 50s was left by her DH for a much younger woman; she is now cleaning to make ends meet - yes, of course there is nothing wrong with cleaning jobs but do be aware that this might be your only option in later years ..........

Ten years ago I would have also written how much I enjoyed being at home and it was the 'right' thing for our family (and to be honest I still do enjoy it - I can keep myself busy and happy - but that doesn't pay the bills!) - I sincerely wish I had kept my career going.

I am almost 10 years down the line from my first maternity leave - with dcs age 9, 7 and 5. I went back to work (freelance) part time after my eldest was born and that worked out very well. Ds1 and dd went to day nursery 2 days a week from quite young, but I loved the care they got there, they were happy and I was happy. For a variety of reasons, recession, sick parent, childcare costs, moving house, and so on, my work has dwindled over the past 7 years to the point where I earn very little and am basically a SAHM when I never intended to be. I have had huge, huge regrets about abandoning a career that might have led somewhere very exciting and I have regular crises about being to old to get back in the game (I am 42 now), especially as ds1 is approaching secondary school and I can see already how much less he will need from me on a day to day basis.

However, I never intended to work full time, long hours, as my mother did that and I didn't feel that was the family model I wanted. It is a very, very complex decision for some of us - I love working and I certainly have issues with having to "spend dh's money" when I want something. Having said that, I don't regret having the time with the children, and especially now they are all at school, I feel they benefit from my being there for tea / homework and so on. There are days when I am frustrated, fed up with the school run and all the time pressures of having 3 kids doing different things - but that's mainly because there are just not enough hours in the day.

So, to answer the OP, after that ramble, yes, I have had regrets and the years have slipped by without my noticing and suddenly my kids are all at school and what do I do now? BUT, and it is a big but, there is a lot to be said for being a SAHM from the point of view of family life, as long as you are happy doing it. An unhappy SAHM isn't good news for anyone.