to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

For anyone who laments financial independence:

The car and the house are in MY name. As is the main savings account.

The way I see it, and DH too, is that he has a certain level of earning power due to being able to work on his career whilst I enabled this by taking on responsibilities of home and children.

Therefore, the relationship is financially balanced, he does not hold all the cards.

If you don`t work, and your DH has all posessions in his name, you put yourself in a very vulnerable position.

My MIL always calls it jokingly my "running away funds". I think it`s just sensible, and am surprised not more people do this.

Chandon - my DH has recently (grudgingly) agreed to pay a set sum into my account every month. It took a year for him to set it up, and was 8m after he started work. HIs reasons for not doing it were that I had his credit card (true) and he would put cash in there whenever it was running low - but he was worried that if he put money in every month and I didn't spend it, I would build a large sum of money up that I could use to suddenly disappear.

I was really shocked that he was worried about that! I have all my own accounts back in England, and joint accounts too, but here in Australia I am out of the financial loop somewhat and I just didn't want to be left in the lurch because (as can happen) the credit card didn't work and I couldn't get cash out because there wasn't enough money in my account. Anyway - he has set up a standing order now, since we had exactly that kind of problem - but I am still working on the joint account/ joint credit card issue.

It's not entirely a control thing (although there is an element of that to it, he has the entirely mistaken notion that I am a complete spendthrift, although I'm buggered if I know where he got that idea from!) and I don't have any reason to run away from him, before anyone gets upset/cross at me/on my behalf.

Chandon, if we can ever afford to buy a car, or a house, or have any savings I'll bear that tip in mind Don't know whether there are any possessions I could put in my name... Maybe write my name in the front of all my favourite books like 'When Harry Met Sally'!

My mother was a SAHM until my youngest sister was 4 then went back part time then full time. She was a teacher and had fabulous childchare (our lovely granny lived opposite) Selfishly it was better for us when she was at home as she went through a very stressful time at work after my granny had died which made her miserable and stressed and that had a negative effect on everyone. Thats my fear about going back to work actually. I had the big City big money mad hours job flying off around the world at the drop of a hat totally unchildfriendly that I didnt return to. My old job made me very stressed and unhappy and I dont want to be like that around my girls. If I did go back it would need to be something much lower key as I am not one of these WOH supermums I read about on here who can manage a full on job and family responsibilities without cracking up. DH's job equally demanding so although he is really helpful and does alot he is not around that much and couldnt be relied on to do pickups etc.

possesions? I can't be bothered about those! House is only in DH's name as they wouldn't let us have the mortgage with me on it due to not working. Besides, he can have the nice big mortgage all to himself oh and I can't drive, so a car wpould be little more than a toy

I work part time (was three days now 3.5)with two kids and used to feel torn like the the OP as I suppose we could have just managed, if we had stayed in our tiny flat, on DH's wages.

But i'm glad we moved (to a v small semi btw) And now that my dh is at threat from redundancy we're both glad we will have some money coming in.

the kids are 5 and 2 and my dh works four days so we only need 2.5 days of childcare.

i agree that you can't pay someone to love your child but in our case i know our wonderful childminder does love both my children. What my childminder does with them and how she talks about them demonstrates the love between them.

I agree crunchyside. All the care we have had for dc's has been amazing. They really have loved them without ever replacing us. Think it helps that we have used a childminder and a tiny nursery rather than a massive place - maybe something for people to consider. Also part time childcare IME feels much less of a wrench if it is possible financially.

My mum always worked full time and was (still is) very ambitious. I am very, very proud of her and I would not wish it any other way.
Oh and yes we always ate a healthy home-cooked (by mum) dinner together and both me and my sister did very well at school (even though our parents never checked our homework). If my mum had been a SAHM, she would have hated it and made us all miserable. Yes I guess we were more independent than we would have been with a SAHM, but that has not done us any harm. So what I want to say - women are different and working mother does not necessarily mean neglected, miserable kids.

We don't have kids yet but I am not planning to stay home when we will. I'm sure you will tell me know that I have no idea and i will change my mind, but I seriously doubt it.

becstarlitsea....ouch, I did not mean to sound so conceited.

Its taken us YEARS to acquire some savings and car, and its easy to forget not everyone has things to put in their name, I feel a bit Marie Antoinnete now...

But my point is, every SAHM needs a running-away fund.

Not to run away. But just to ensure you never "feel" trapped.

I will take my maternity leave and then go back to work. Perhaps 4 days per week initially but by the time Baby is 1, I want to be back full-time. This, of course, presupposes that Baby has no health problems.

I work in recruitment, and have seen what happens to career prospects when you take more than a year or so off. If I was working as a teacher, then maybe, but tbh I want to keep up and keep my career on track.

If I did become a SAHM I'd regret losing out on my career. And I'm sure that I'll regret losing out on quality time in going back to work. There's no win, I think, for me, just practicality.

Really interesting thread, have found Reading this very thought provoking. We're both in both camps in our house as dh works full time but from home so does a lot of evenings to fit around ds and I work two days a week plus freelancing so some weeks out more, some not. Work is great as I get a break, adult company etc and I like having my own income, but can see the advantages of sahm as well. If we have a second dc not sure what we'd do.

An earlier poster said sah dads can be isolated - we've also found that true, hvs were very negative towards dh being at home when ds was born (implied he wasn't up to the job basically, he was very upset) and it's harder to make friends at toddler groups etc, getting better since we've met other sahds though.

It's difficult whichever way you do it I suspect, so many different factors for different families.

No worries Chandon, I actually do like eating cake You sound very lovely and not at all conceited.

I earned 3 times as much as DH before I quit my job, and I did have some money in my name left over from a bonus, but I've spent it all on school shoes and starbucks other essentials over the past 3 years. If I go back to work next year we'll be a lot better off (maybe even enough to save towards a deposit for a mortgage). We'll get there in the end.

As it stands, I've got zip in my name but DH has got zip in his - it's a perfect balance! Perhaps he needs a running away fund, the poor dear!

I married at 28 and had my first DS at 32. I very much wanted to be a SAHM and we were very fortunate in that financially it was possible for me not to be in paid work. I returned to local part time work 10 years later when my DSs were 10 and 7.

On the whole I enjoyed my time at home with the boys and tried to keep active locally doing voluntary stuff, school PTA etc.

I don't really regret that as during the 10 years I studied for an OU degree and my being at home meant my DH could go all out in his career.

However, I'm nearly 52 now and my DSs are almost off my hands and I am finding it hard to get back into the workplace because I have rather a piecemeal CV. Sometimes I do wish I had worked more when the boys were younger but I lived away from my family and even 10 years ago there was very little before and after-school care.

I do think about this a lot now - was I wrong to stay at home so long? Has doing so hampered my chances of worthwhile and fulfilling work in later life.

Just a thought.

cheeselover that is terrible about the hvs and your dh! I really feel for SAH dads.. not an easy road to walk when everything is set up for mums, I think. I haven't met many on mat leave.

Yes it was one particular hv, I think she was trying to make sure we weren't being unrealistic re childcare options etc but it came across badly and dh was upset. Actually he's much better at house stuff than I am!

'theoldestcat - going back is hard but working parents love their children just as much as sahp'

This is so true. I loved my kids just as much as a f/t working mum as being a SAHM! Some people want/need to work and that is their choice to make, only they know what is right for them, it's their life.

I have always known as a SAHM that it is possible i will have to get a job at some point, through need or choice. For that reason aswell as my own interest i have studied at evening classes and with the OU as well as volunteering in school. That way i could hopefully get a recommendation or reference of recent experience as well as having recent academic study.

I am in my early 30s now and hope to have a career when my 5 DCs (aged between 1-14) are grown. I don't want to end up like MIL who was totally lost when DS left home!! Getting a job changed her totally (not as much as I'd like but there you go )

40deniertights' what has emerged is that the people who have been at ease, are the ones who were truly free to make their choice.'
Totally agree. I also see your point that a sacrifice to one person would mean giving up on 2 cars etc and to another having to move to a worse area or total poverty. it is very individual.

It is a shame there are people who would like to either work or SAH but they cannot. I hope my DDs are able to make whatever choice is best for them.

I would second the comments that the DCs will be fine as long as you love them, take the very best care of them, choose childcare carefully and are solvent (not rich, but not fighting off bailiffs).
I was going to agree with the people who talked about how much your late primary and early secondary DCs need you at home, and then I remembered that at that age (8+) I was waving goodbye to my DPs at the airport in September and arriving back home in December. But I knew I was loved and cared for, and actually it was fine - not ideal, but fine.

After DD went back 3 days a week, and did that until I had DS1. I decided that I would try 4 days as I felt my career wasn't going anywhere. I am lucky as I was working for a company at the time who were totally flexible - could have gone down to 2 or up to 4 or 5 whenever I wanted.

I did 4 days and then moved jobs and did 4 days in next job. But when I moved again the new job offered 3 and I decided that 3 was enough for me.

DD is now 7, DS1 is 4.5 and DS2 in 6 months. I took 6 months off each time.

Am happy doing 3 days, have job I really love with good level of responsibility, so in some ways I have it all. I am earning a good wage for 3 days, I have time with my kids, my job is 9-5 so am home to put them to bed even on working days. I wouldn't have done anything different.

FWIW my SIL has gone back FT in a very stressful job/career - (has 2 kids) wouldn't swop with her (even though she probably earns more) in a million years. She doesn't get home to put them to bed. Her nanny works a 60 hour week+++ IMO she is outsourcing the most important job of all.

IMO she is outsourcing the most important job of all

So is her husband though. If you're going to condemn, let's do it consistently, eh?

Izquierda : I am in the same position as you. And yes, I feel I have left it too long to return to my career, an active, technologically fast-paced, difficult one with hideous out-of hours commitments=Diagnostic Radiography in the NHS.
The over 50s ARE invisible to the employment market.
What really upsets me is the fact that I gave up my career when my children were small as the employers were so inflexible. Nothing has changed in 25 years. Today's young mums are still finding it impossible to get truly flexible, child-friendly work ( here in the south west; it may be different in London) At least my daughter has a future with her choice of career, teaching. I am so very proud of her. Perhaps, as a SAHM, I did something right. Always remember: 'Educate a boy, you educate a man; educate a girl, you educate a family'

So nice to be part of a thread where it hasn't descended into a working/SAHM debate.

I did post earlier but I just wanted to agree with some others about the 'running away' fund. I was a single parent for 8 yrs (and I worked full time doing 24h shifts - so it is possible to 'manage' when you have kids) and I needed to keep some (all) financial stability for myself and my kids in case I became single again. My sister wont leave her husband because financially she doesn't know how she could survive - i never want to find myself in that situation. I wanted to say 100% that nothing would change if I became single again except for the obvious. Through working I have achieved that ...I think it is sad but it was the reality of my life.

Agree about the high quality thread manda, and everyone. Actually feel like everyone has concerns and worries and happiness, not just one side or another.

I must admit I've been trying to think of a way of setting up a business that accesses all these highly skilled and motivated women - both when they want PT work when they still have lots of childcare commitment they want to do themselves, and FT once the birds have flown.

It seems utter madness to be throwing this all away - all that training that in many cases the state paid for, and now is not using. It's mad. But obviously the skillsets are pretty diverse, the answer is not obvious (to me anyway). Interesting the poster further up who mentioned in Holland that more people work PT for whatever reason, so that childcare being the reason does not label you as being the unmotivated uncommitted employee

I agree it is nice to have a discussion about common concerns in the very difficult area of parenting it is inevitably an emotive issues and glad it has stayed civilised

from my personal experience I have friends who made many different choices regarding going back to work, some did not, some did part time some full time some took a long maternity leave other a short one
none of that makes any difference to the quality of the parenting

SAHM can be quite poor parents and/ or be miserable with their situation, for a number of reasons as can the ones who work outside the home, I don't think that is the determining factor, at least not from what I can see

God you knwo what is really depressing about this thread? The lack of choices mothers have and the inevitable poverty if their marriages break down, because they gave up their careers, because the marketplace is simply not flexible and forward looking enough to accomodate people with caring responsiblilites. WHY does a working week have to be 40 hours? WHY can't you be a board director and only work 20 hours a week? How many jobs are there, that genuinely require 40+ hours per week, to do them well, and if they do exist, why aren't the being shared by 2 people?

As someone else said, with retirement happening at 66, we've got to find a better solution than only offering mothers who have had 5 years out of the workplace, low skill low paid jobs. And that shouldn't mean women going back into the cash workplace before they and their families are ready for it. We should be structuring our workplaces around the needs of society adn the needs of society include families functioning properly and everyone who wants to, being enabled to work and still fuction as parents. The market is not delivering that, is it?