to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

Onelittleclara - could your DH cut his hours as well? It might mean that you wouldn't have to make all the sacrifice in terms of security, status etc., and also it would take you back to CB levels so might not make much difference and you could balance it more evenly? Or is that a pipe dream?

I have to say that it was a revelation for me, after enjoying my work for many years, I planned all through my preg to go back part time(my mom offered to look after my son). But as soon as I held that little boy in my arms after giving birth, it was an epiphany. No-one else, not even granny I'm afraid, was going to stay at home and watch him grow, watch him bottom shuffle and smile, watch him pull himself up on the sofa, and one day WALK. That person had to be me, and no job on this earth would have persuaded me otherwise. Yes, its tight financially, but these days are golden - these days are the reason we are all mothers fgs. I feel some sympathy for those who say they have to work for financial reasons, debts etc, but to be brutally honest I would rather live in a caravan and be at home with my son, than have a big house, hefty mortgage and HAVE to work to pay these off.

A pipe dream I'm afraid. My job is great in it's flexibility, but DH's is very rigid and demanding. DH would love to part share the responsibility though, and has tremendous guilt that he's not there aside from the evenings and weekends. I have issues with childminders sharing pick ups unless I know them very well (normal parental paranoia), and the people I do trust have children of their own doing pick ups at the same time in different locations. Everyone focusses on the baby bit when you have children, but I think its harder when they get older and schools seem to expect you to be there at the drop of a hat.

Well, being a writer/philosopher type, I never have to stray out of my house/wood/den to work. So, when I had my DCs, nothing really changed on paper; I was a SAH before, now I'm a SAHM as well. I realise I'm in the minority of course; a lot of my friends who chose to be SAHMs after being in full or part-time work did find it very difficult to adjust to. A lot of them have since returned to work part-time. So no; YANBU.

li33i. I think a caravan would soon lose it's appeal with a couple of active toddlers and then bigger children! It is also a myth that all families with two WOH parents are in monstrous mansions.

I went back to work. I absolutely love what I do and don't see it is a job. My career was important to me and in a way defined me as it affords me a fantastic lifestyle.

Don't think it is more important than my child but I see it is a wonderful gift to be shared. Rasing my child and teaching them the value of work, doing something well, having goals and making a contribution is important.

I don't regret my decision at all. It also gave me indepedence and freedom and gave my child enormous benefits. I had help and a supportive environment as well as being there as much as possible.

I can see the results - my children speak 4 languages, have travelled extensively, play musical instruments and are active in arts and sport as well as doing well in school. Most of all we are a close knit family - extended with friends and they are very happy.

It can work. It doesn't mean you grow distant of your kids and they get raised by the TV. In fact the TV is rarely on and they more likely to be practicing a hobby or reading.

Reading all this with interest. As someone else said, definitely nice to see a reasonable discussion about SAH/ WOH

As I mentioned earlier, I am now looking into setting up my own business which, if successful, could end up being the bigger source of income. Dh had a little idea that if it did take off, he could basically retire (he is forces, and is into extended service, having served his 22 years) initially I wasn't comfortable with that- I worried about being the main wage-earner, BUT then I considered how useful it could be having him around to do all the school runs/ pick ups (which at present I aim to be able to fit in around my business), childcare (ditto), washing and ironing (ditto!), housework etc... I said to him I had changed my mind and would be happy for him to be the SAHP, outlining my reasonings, and he went pale and muttered something about preferring to stay in FT employment!! Obviously he didn't/ doesn't realise just what is involved in being the person at home!

DH has always been very supportive of me working such reduced hours, but I can't help feeling he was more "impressed" with me when we first met and I was working in a good career and financially independant. If my plans come off, it will be interesting to see if the dynamics of our relationship change at all. I think I will feel more confident. I wonder if the dc's perception of me will change- for better or worse. It's interesting.

certainly fact both my parents worked is major determinant in working.was the way i was raised-earn your crust,pay your way,stick in at school

those of you who dont work,did your mums decisions influence yours in adulthood

Like I said, if I WOH, we would lose money - it is not a case of choosing between a mansion or a caravan.

I'm in a pretty similar position to you Clara except I'm a couple of years further down the line in that DC3 is nearly two. Schools are incredibly demanding of parents' time.

I would love to work OH after nearly 7 years as a SAHM/working freelance but I can't make the sums add up.

My mother was a SHAM for about 7 years til all her DCs were at school and then she went back to work, first PT, then FT - but she was a teacher so it fitted in well re. the holidays etc and we had minimal childcare. SHe's very pro-SAHM, despite doing badly financially as a result of divorce.

I have worked PT (went back at 13 months with both DC) and recently got made redundant. I have set up my own business and now work c.2 days per week

In all honesty i cannot do childcare 24/7 for two under 4 and am a better parent for not having to. However i would also hate to be FT (would prefer SAHM) and basically got made redundant for this reason.

JoolyJoo - my DH reckons he would love to be a SAHD, but would go pale at the thought if he thought it might be a reality

Scottishmummy - yes my Mum always worked and i have a very strong work ethic and desire to succeed and do things for myself

I know the feeling in the opposite way staranise. I wanted to be at home F/T but no matter how many times I calculated the numbers did not work out! It's most frustrating for those who don't really have the choice, but all the children I know are great, no matter what decisions their parents made, because they made the decisions with their dc's welfare in mind.

Just to add, my own dm was a sahm, but she now says she would work more if she had her time again as financially it is still ramifications and she feels we would have become more confident children, but who knows?

Hi scottishmummy
I grew up in a farming family so was extremely fortunate to be brought up by 2 very hard working but 'at home' parents
We all worked alongside them when safe and I have very clear pre school memories of moving livestock, lambing, calf rearing and spud sorting/picking.

Both my mum and dad were very supportive of the our decision that I would be a sahm, maybe because they had been fortunate enough to watch us all grow up close at home

Sorry, still having ramifications

My mum worked P/T when we were tiny and then F/T as soon as we were at school. She did very well in her career and was in a senior role by the time we were teenagers.

We had a nice lifestyle as my Dad also had a very good and well-paid job. Mum and Dad both also had a lot of hobbies, friends and interests.

I think it was ok when we were smaller (Mum was a teacher so obviously looked after us in the holidays and was home by 4.30 most days) but once she was a Dep. Head, her absence from the home was a lot more noticeable. We were latch-key kids and often used to invite a few friends back after school. I was really slack with homework and our diet wasn't great- we never ate together as a family during the week and ate quite a lot of processed foods as mum was usually at meetings/parent's evenings/at home doing paperwork or otherwise out playing Badminton/running the Brownies group etc. etc.....

I do feel we missed out a bit, if I'm honest, and I wonder if, had one of my parents been around more when I was in my teens, I might have worked harder on school work, eaten better and socialised a bit less (which would have been a good thing!)

Although my mum found her career really fulfilling and was a good role model for me; she is fully in support of me being a SAHM/occasional PT worker. She enjoys spending time with me and her GC during the week and understands why I feel it's important to be (mostly) a SAHM.

I have often wondered if I'll ever go back FT; from my own experience, I feel I would like to be around for my DCs when they're teenagers.

Should have said my Mum worked, but school hours only. She gave up a high flying career to do so and i have always felt so grateful to her for being so selfless (although it was expected that she would simply leave her job once she had a baby in the 70's)

My mum didn't work while I was pre school age - but she did go back to PT work when I was at school. I imagine I will do the same.

For me the few 'sacrifices' would be (in living on one income) things like sharing a car, making cut backs. However we also save alot of money on not using childcare etc so depends which way you look at it really.

My mother was a SAHM until we were in juniors at primary and then she worked part time. She has no regrets for SAH while we were little but says she does regret not being around much when we were teenagers as then we needed a parents around as much as ever. It hasn't affected her career as she has worked her way up to a fabulous management position. I started as a full time working mum, so the opposite of my mother, but I ended up a SAHM from DD2 onwards. My oldest is a teenager and youngest is 1.

I enjoy being a SAHM, i've now got 3 DC under 7 and when I had the first 2 I worked 10h pw while their GPs looked after them. When I had DC3 DD1 asked me not to go back to work.

We'd already decided I wouldn't but that made me certain I'd made the right decision. I'd consider working when Dc3 starts school, but i love to be there to collect them and drop them off too.

I was on the management track before DD1, but i don't regret loosing that for a second!

To me those sacrifices seem worthwhile and manageable. We would have had to sell up, move close to dh work, which is very high crime, poor schools. I'm not sure they are for the best for us. Plus, long term, I already have term time working, which I would have lost.

Olifin really interesting post

I agree with you and had similar experience until my mother left (although mother's disinterest was as much just that as the fact she worked)

Being there for my teenage daughter is very important right now... my eldest child was easy and driven. My daughter is very different and needs a little guidance I HAVE to be there at 4.30 to make sure she does homework/eats something decent/washes etc etc .It's handy because I am home with young children anyway but tbh her need for me after school is greater now than ever

I agree. That is why I work. Being term time and more or less school hours means i can be there more when dc's are teenagers. For other people that would mean they did not want to work, but for me it makes more sense to stay put, iyswim.

My mum didn't work until I was about 7. I'm the eldest. She started school ours work when I was about 10 and it really improved her personality. Having a job meant she fussed over us left and got less bogged down by minor stuff, and was more inclined to just tell us to do stuff rather than give us a long lecture on how awful we were for not having done it.
I think having a life outside the house is good for most people, especially once the kids start school.

Oh dear should have previewed that.
"school HOURS work"
"fussed over us LESS"