to think that many SAHMs/part-time workers would have chosen differently with the benefit of hindsight?

[working9while5]

Just a thought, have come across this on another forum and wondering how it applies to me.

I have just the one dc. Originally, I was desperate to be a SAHM but grudgingly decided to go back p/t but cut it back to the bare, bare minimum (2 days a week).

A few months down the line, if I am honest I am wondering how much my decision was framed by having a small, non-mobile baby and enjoying lunches with friends and Summer walks. As the hormones/baby shock wears off, I do wonder why I am not going back to work 3 or even 4 days.. and if my thinking was very short-term.

Unfortunately, I effectively "gave away" the bulk of my permanent, public sector job and there is a job freeze in my area. So, my (hormonally-driven? rose-tinted?) decision, while not final, is not so easy to go back on. I am studying for a postgrad too, so it's not the end of the world.. but it has made me think.

I wondered what mothers who are much further down the line think with the benefit of hindsight? Was that initial decision the right one for you, or was it influenced by newbabyitis?

On this thread perhaps but not where I live (London) where childcare costs are astronomical and few people have family living close by. I've always assumed that most working mothers have children of school age.

It is right for me to SAH too. I have done so for many years now after trying to juggle fulltime work and childcare etc. I love being home and feel liberated that I don't need to give up my time for others/profit making, jobs seem overated. I am 'lucky' that I can do so but also made sacrifices along the way.

I only ever wanted to be a mum
I am educated which some people might think was a waste. But i met dp at University.
I love being SAHM - do work but around dcs
No - regret this? never

Most SAHM/ part time mums I know do it because they WANT to do it as working wouldn't really be worthwhile financially. It's a no-brainer. Would you be happy to take home 50 quid a week after paying out for childcare (not to mention hidden costs such as pre-prepared food, cleaner, travel etc.)?

If I could earn double what I paid out in childcare for 3 kids then maybe I would consider it. I may well still choose to be a SAHM, but I haven't got that option so...I agree with staranise.

forehead, I hope this doesn't sound too rude, but I think you have a bit of a bizarre (imo) view of money = happiness/ quality of life. I know you're not alone though, my SIL would agree with you!

I took a full year of maternity leave with each child.I loved it but knew that I would return to work and felt very happy with my decision.

I worked very parttime-one day a week in the NHS and my DP looked after the DC . I gradually increased my hours .

I think in my case I was very fortunate that I worked for a very flexible employer and so did my DP.I know lots of colleagues who work flexible hours and couples who share the childcare and think it should be the norm that both partners share childcare.

I increased my hours a few years ago and landed my dream job so I really feel I have experienced the best of both worlds.

My DP has also loved having days with our DC and has lovely memories of the things they did.We have not used childcarers at all but I really would say that if you have kind caring people looking after your Dc this is entirely a good thing-some people feel only they can care for their DC- I think if you have loving,caring Nannies,Childminders,Grandparents,Nurseyworkers etc I really can only see this as a positive thing for your child.
My DC are now older teenagers- I realise I am very fortunate to have been able to have the flexibility AND maintain my pension rights etc.
Women and their partners have children-both should take equal responsibility.

'I really don't believe that a lot of men truly respect a womwn who does not work, even if they have both decided that the woman should stay at home.'

Do you mean they don't respect SAHMs for not doing paid work. After all surely such men do not think the work of childminders and nannies is nothing? (do they disrespect them?) And it is the same thing, just unpaid and for your own child. Either caring for children is worthwhile work or it isn't. So is it that such men only value the 'work' if it is paid, so basically they don't respect a woman who does the same job but for their own child? And what about voluntary work? Are pensioners not to be respected either? There is more to life than having a paid job!!

I am a SAHM and DD is 3yrs now. She has just started to go to nursery 6 hours a week - two mornings. It feels like a great reward for both of us.

I have no regrets being a SAHM, but that doesn't mean I adapted instantly to it or found it at all easy. Nor does it mean that I think it is the answer for everyone, though I do wish I knew a few more SAHM locally.

DD has suffered badly with being a demanding feeder, teamed with teething sufferer and regular tonsillitis. We are awaiting a date for a promised tonsilectomy but I guess that belongs to another thread.

However, the time has gone so quickly and to work part-time would have pulled me strongly in two directions, there have since been severe job cuts in the public sector area I worked in and even if I had gone back to work

1. the money part-time would barely have covered child-care as there is no suitable family to take on the role
2. I would have had to take no-end of leave to look after the soaring temps and sickness over the last 3 years,
3. I would probably have been made redundant anyway.

On-top of that I have been there for all the firsts :) , I have been there to comfort her when sick , laugh and play , set the discipline , teach manners , and form a strong bond I felt was maybe missing with my own mother . I feel like DD has gone to nursery at a stage when it would most benefit her. I have also learnt to grow-my-own veg as I am not a wealthy SAHM. The biggest saving grace was when my DH bought our house; it means that our mortgage is much less than our contemporaries thus allowing us to make life-style adaptations to stay at home.

I am truly blessed.

NotanOtter, I don't think that a good education is wasted at all. I too went to University and gained a huge amount of self confidence and skills as a result (as well as some great friends). It also enabled me to have a succesful career until dh and I chose to have children and for me to stay at home and look after them.

I don't think yabu but I think the problem is that there is no sliding doors scenario.

I have always been lucky enough to have been able to get part time work, for some years based at home, so I got the best and worst of both worlds. I do sometimes think that because I work part time and because I downshifted into a career which is below my skill level in order to work pt, I will now be much poorer in my old age than I would have been if I'd stayed in the industry I was in earning good money for ft work.

However, I don't know how my DC's would have responded to that, or me actually. I think I might have been eaten up with stress, guilt etc. and that may have rubbed off on them. In the years I've had with them, I've had time to think and concentrate on them and on myself, time to fuck about on mumsnet for years discover what was important to me and time to find out how to be a parent (came from a very dysfunctional household so didn't have a clue). I was very conscious of my parenting deficit and was able to do something about it (parenting classes, reading, MN advice, counselling etc.), whereas if I'd been working FT, I think I would simply have been too busy and tired to give any brain space to it.

Anyway upshot is, my DC's are happy and functional and I'm not at all sure they would hve been if I hadn't had the time to be so introspective and obsessive about not repeating abusive behaviour patterns. So that's a consideration too - will I be happy to be poor if I see my DC's in happy functional relationships when they're older? Hmm...

I think that one of the things that influences decision making (apart from immediate finances) is whether you are the sort of person who thinks ahead and worries about the future or if you are comfortable going with the flow iyswim.

I am a SAHM, I work very pt at the job I was in when I started having children 13 yrs ago.

We have had to make a lot of sacrifices in order for me to drop so many hours, financially it has been tough, but the alternative was unthinkable for us.

When people talk about sacrifices, what exactly do they mean in most cases?

I wanted to be a SAHM when DD was a little baby and dreaded going back to work, I got 4 days (wanted 3). As it was my first baby I had no idea of the difference between an immobile tiny baby and a busy, demanding toddler. The impression you get whilst pg is that newborns are very demanding but they are nothing compared to toddlers!

Anyway, by the time DD turned two I was totally thankful that I had been given a 4 day gig instead of a 2 or 3 day per week one. 4 days is just enough to keep me sane, if it was 2 or 3 days I would be totally split down the middle of being a SAHM and a working mum and would probably not do either roles very well.

I am now pg with 2nd and am already planning my return to work. Part of the problem is I was brought up with a very strong work ethic and earning your own crust mindset, and it's very difficult to just switch it off to become a SAHM and financially completely reliant on a man (even if it is my lovely DH).

Good point 40 - I think you've just explained my sense of urgency regarding getting back into work whereas lots of my friends are happy to be SAHMs indefinitely (that's not a criticism of them BTW before I get jumped on).

No. It's not a criticism in the slightest. I envy people like that!

Haven't read whole thread, but childcare during the pre-school years and childcare during the post-school years is a completely different kettle of fish.

You might find that 2 days of work is easy to maintain if you have more children and have to work around term times. Working full-time (unless you have tons of money and no worries about childcare cost) can involve a lot of ducking and diving in the school years.

40denier, I have to say I think that is the most useful comment I have ever seen in relation to SAHM/WOHM. People's personalities do indeed have to come into it. And so they should.

Merry... It goes without saying, lack of money= misery for most people. I've seen too many relationships breakdown because of a lack of money.

Am thrilled at being useful! A rare thing indeed.

eva - i did once read a fascinating article about what society lacked was very well educated sahms and how this would impact ion future generations. Sadly failed to bookmark it to lift my spirits when society once again bats my 'status' with an enormous invisible mallett

? I think my point didn't come across very clearly.

My experience has been that it is relatively easy (logistically) to have one pre-schooler at a day nursery. Once you have more than one child and once one of them is only in school from 9-3.30 and on holiday for 13 weeks a year, organising childcare is a lot more challenging/expensive.

Working 2 days a week may seem more attractive then.

(Hey, working full time in a challenging exciting job, and then having an extra 12 hours a day to spend with my children, plus unlimited childfree holidays would be my dream!).

Okay I really need to rant now. This thread makes me feel a lot less alone in being torn with decisions like these. I am pg with DC3 and have worked part time with both DC1 and DC2. I have been very fortunate in that my parents have provided the childcare, but now they are getting too old to cope, so I know I have to make a choice about whether it's me or someone I employ looks after my children (no contest I'm afraid; no inclination, no money) DC1 has just started school and DC2 is due to start preschool and I need to be there for the 9am, 12pm and 3pm runs. I want to be a SAHM mother for these reasons. I don't want anyone else being there for those moments, as I will never get them back. However I also feel that need to be employed, be doing something non homebased, something for me. I am in the public sector, but if I take a career break, they no longer guarantee return, so after my next maternity leave I have to make a choice.I cannot get to London and back in time to fit in my pt hours around school. We cannot afford to pay for childcare, don't really want someone who doesn't already love my children in that role anyway, and my DH's job pays more. I feel torn as I don't want to be just about children, poo and housework, but neither do I feel the same urge for a career I did before children. I don't know how we will cope financially. DH is just over the threshold, which sounds like good money, but actually only is if you don't live in the South, so we will lose CB as well as my income. SAHM seem to be just ignored in this system. I feel like I will lose my identity, but also feel the need to be there for my babies. At the moment trying to juggle part time work, running DC to my mum's and back, school runs, housework etc is just wrecking me, so I am leaning towards staying at home, but am petrified of losing my financial, adult, individual identity. MOAN MOAN MOAN MOAN MOAN! I will now be quiet.

I stayed at home bringing up our 4 children for 18 years and am now working 4 days a week, with 2 teenagers still at home.

I don't regret the decision, and throughout my DH always made it clear that he valued my non waged contribution to our family and I never felt that I was a 'kept woman' or spending 'his' money: it was ours just as the children are ours.

However back in 1989 when our first was born there was no such thing as flexible working in my then field, and I would have been spending more on travel, work clothes and childcare than I earned.

It also coincided with a boom time financially in my husband's career and our mortgage and outgoings were manageable on one income.

I doubt there are many young families in such a priveliged position these days

In terms of sacrifice, well i could no longer go back to my old career path, but i was able to completely change tack, via voluntary work initially, and really enjoy my job.

We have probably lost out financially along the way,with me out of waged work for so long, but that may be as much to do with having 4 children as anything else.

I feel priveliged to have spent so much time with the children as they grew up and can at least take credit and blame for the way they have turned out.

Yes at times I climbed the wall with boredom and exhaustion but I never lost a grasp of who I was, and in large part the support of DH made that possible.

I sympathise Clara. You are far from being alone in these tough decisions. However, the people who agonise about these things are doing so because they want to do their best for their family. Is a childminder who would do some pick ups an option?