to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

[catholicatheist]

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

[diddl]

Well if he´s also not bothered about her being there straight away then what´s the problem?

Tell her after when it´s ok to visit!

I was under the impression that he would tell her immediately you went into labour!

[ChaoticAngel]

"DH doesnt want his mother to be there right after the birth but at the same time he hasnt got the balls to say no and said 'I will ask catholic if you can' knowing full well I dont want that!"

Well you've said no and now he has to stop been a pathetic, spineless wimp, grow a pair, stand up to his mother and tell her no.

He really needs to stand up to her now otherwise this will come up again and again.

[Miffster]

Catholic, do you think you would be able to bite the bullet and actually phone and say to her, so there can be no mistaking it, that you will let her know when she can visit but you do not want her there during the labour or birth or recovery period?

I appreciate you shouldn't have to be the one who says it but if it came to it, would you be able to state your needs to her, clearly and respectfully in a grown up way?

It strikes me that you might have to be the grown up here.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

OP, your posts of 18:04 and 18:10 contradict each other. I am confused

[bamboobutton]

i doubt your mil would even get anywhere near the delivery room if she just turned up at the hospital.

the maternity section is usually very secure. you need to be buzzed in by the midwives, you can't just go breezing in.

when you arrive at the hospital make it clear to whoever is on the desk that mil isn't allowed in until you are back on the ward.

[EldritchCleavage]

18:04 is about his mother. 18:10 is about catholic's mother.

[ChaoticAngel]

JLC I think the 18.04 post is about the OP's mother and the 18.10 about the MIL.

[catholicatheist]

Jamie Lee one is in relation to someone asking if DH was okay about my mother being there, the second relates to his mother.

Miffster if it comes to it then I will have to, but I really dont feel it is best coming from me. I would never make DH have to say no to my family. I have told my sister not to bring her partner as DH said he doesnt want crowds in the house and having to be taxing them all about. I have made out this is ME who doesnt want it not him. The MIL will resent me so much if I say no and he should not want that. She will forgive him as he is her son. I suppose if I have to though I will.

[diddl]

JLC-first post refers to OP´s mum, 2nd to MIL.

TBH, I would rather not risk her turning up at the hospital & risking staff letting her in.

[Longtalljosie]

"Also, since you are having your mother at the birth, she perhaps feels it reasonable that you will be able to be up to her seeing the baby pretty quickly."

But it's not a competition. Catholicathiest's mum is there for her, not to be first to see the baby as it comes out.

It's unfortunate during pregnancy and immediately after birth, that women mostly want their mums with them and not their MILs. But it's natural, and normal.

Catholicathiest - you have to make it clear to your DH that it's not going to happen. Point out that you're the one pushing the baby out and you don't need the stress of having someone sitting outside.

Tell your MIL that you will be resting for at least an hour after the birth before getting any visitors, so she won't be losing any time.

Although I fear you'll be getting daily calls to find out if you've had the baby, so it'll be pretty clear when you have gone in.

You could try putting on the birth plan that you don't want any relatives waiting outside the delivery room?

[DuelingFanjo]

"Because this baby is as much related to your MIL as it is to your mother"


this isn't really about the baby though, it's about the OP and she really does have every right to choose who she would like to be there after a major event like giving birth. The baby will still be there for weeks and months after the birth and it's not a competition for who sees it first. Personally I wouldn't want anyone there straight after the birth and it's presumptious of the MIL to think she has a right to dictate when she arrives. It has to ultimately be the new mum's choice and her DH should be backing her up.

It should never be about 'I will be there' bit more 'would it be ok if...'

[ChaoticAngel]

Oh, yes, if you haven't got one get an answerphone and put something like "No news yet, mum to be is resting." It might just buy you a bit of time if nothing else.

[diddl]

No it´s not a competition, but I can see why MIL wants to be there asap.

Well, many MILs I should think want to see their grandchildren as soon as they can!

Also, when you have given birth yourself you do have an idea of what DIL might be feeling like and the thought not being allowed to pop in for half an hour for example can seem odd!

[JamieLeeCurtis]

Thank you. Embarrassing lack of careful reading from me there

[thereisalightanditnevergoesout]

Really, ringing her is going to be the last thing on your mind.

Don't disagree but don't agree either and simply 'forget' with all the excitement it won't be hard. Ring her when your baby's here and you're ready. I doubt she'll mind as long as she gets a cuddle with the baby soon after..

[catholicatheist]

but her births were easy births and there is no saying that mine will be so she wouldnt have an idea as to how I was feeling?

[MsKalo]

Start as you mean to go on and tell her NO. Or else you will find she will always interfere! I told mine I would contact her when we were ready and that she could visit when we were ready as I wanted 'us' time. Standing up to her initially stupid demands of being there as soon as possible nipped any unreasonable future behaviour in thw bud and showed her that I am the BOSS when it comes to my kids and things are better now

[thereisalightanditnevergoesout]

And doesn't it depend on what time of day the baby is actually born - there's no way a hospital would let anyone in just like that anyway, is there?

[ChaoticAngel]

When I had my DS it was the middle of the night. I was stitched up by the midwife for an episotomy (sp), she then called a junior doctor for a tear, who, after putting in a stitch (can't remember the name) called out the consultant. Sometime between him entering and leaving the room I fell asleep. I certainly wouldn't have wanted my mil in the room then, asleep or awake.

[wouldliketoknow]

i am with the majority, only read the first page, this is a no brainer.

1. maternity wards don't have waiting rooms, and she won't be allowed in the ward either, so waiting in the cafeteria, 13 floors down in my case.
   
2. hope your labour isn't like mine, but it was 3 days, if dh left my side he would die, in failure of that i would kill him, nice midwives provided food dor him so he didn't have to go anywhere.
   
3. i understand she may want to be there, as soon as the baby is born so she can be the first one to see him/her, more appropiate.
   
4. bad omen if dh is hiding behind you to say no to his mother, imagine the first time you, as a family, are not doing what she expects, won't be him telling her...

[Booboodebat]

I'm constantly surprised on these threads.

So many people seem to think that everyone's wishes need to be considered equally at a birth.

No they don't.

Giving birth is massively hard (ime), and the only person who's wishes matter at that stage are the mother-to-be's.

I hope to be a MIL one day, and will not behave in this overbearing manner.

Also, who cares what the OPs DH wants? It doesn't come into it at this particular time. If the OP wants her Mum there, that's all that matters.

Luckily it sounds as though this is not a problem. Your MIL needs telling, and your DH needs to do it.

[diddl]

Well, my births were easy, but I´d like to think that I can still realise how others might be feeling!

Although this doesn´t seem to apply to your MIL!

Best scenario imo-tell her when baby is born & when she can visit.

[diddl]

I also hope that I will be a MIL & GM & will be able to calmly say "please tell me when I can visit".


But I know I´ll be dying to say let me know as soon as anything happens, let me be at the hospital so that I can hold/see baby asap.

And I know once home I´ll want to visit as much as possible.