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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

373 replies

catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 12:09

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

OP posts:
Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 17:40

Yes I am really disappointed because she told me over the phone that 'I want to make my way up as soon as you are in Labour' ..to which I was clearly umming and arrring and said 'but I could be in Labour hours' to which she said, 'no you wont be I had both mine in fifteen minutes and I want to be there as soon as he is born'. I clearly made noises I wasnt happy but she ignored it and then has started banging on about it to DH again last night totally disregarding my wishes as I said 'I dont really want visitors until afterwards'. Already I feel she is trying to lay down the law and I can see me eventually blowing up with her as DH is being totally useless. I am having a boy and I realise that I will not be there as soon as he has children and sadly that is just the way it is when you have boys. My mother raised me, I have known my MIL only since I have been an adult woman. I am not her child.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 01/11/2010 17:44

She does sound a bit over-bearing.

diddl · 01/11/2010 17:45

But of course she is no less excited than your mother.

Also, since you are having your mother at the birth, she perhaps feels it reasonable that you will be able to be up to her seeing the baby pretty quickly.

ChaoticAngel · 01/11/2010 17:48

"'no you wont be I had both mine in fifteen minutes and I want to be there as soon as he is born'."

Shock Shock

So just because she had them in 15 minutes she expects you to too. That would really get my back up Angry

OP's DH, grow and pair, prioritise your wife and stand up to your mother.

Miffster · 01/11/2010 17:49

Dear God.
Your vagina, your rules.

JamieLeeCurtis · 01/11/2010 17:49

It's a bloody minefield - I foresee a future of holding myself back for fear of upsetting future DIL. I am perfectly reasonable and not at all over-bearing though Wink

Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 17:50

but I would be happy for my own mother to see me in any state, MIL hasn't even seen me without make up on! We only see her about eight or nine times a year. I dont have that kind of relationship with her that I would be happy for her to see me looking awful, feeling sick etc as she is very judgemental and fairly superficial.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 01/11/2010 17:51

I meant her attitude would get my back up.

The thing is the OP can't say for sure how she will feel until it's happened. I have two DC and I felt totally different on each occasion. I didn't want my mum there but I wanted my ex mil even less. Luckily she never even mentioned anything like this.

EldritchCleavage · 01/11/2010 17:51

Sorry but I don't really think catholic having her own mother there really excuses her MIL ignoring her preferences. It is not a competition. Of course, it does no harm to sweeten the pill and reassure MIL about how much you will involve her at the same time as telling her she can't come to the hospital. But really, it's a very obvious nono and MIL should be listening.

Kirk1 · 01/11/2010 17:52

Your MIL thinks you will follow her for how you give birth? Tell her your Mum was in labour for hours/days/whatever it takes and you are more likely to be like your Mum in giving birth. This is your first, it's going to be a lot slower. And tell your DH to grow up and start protecting his family rather than giving in to his mother.

JamieLeeCurtis · 01/11/2010 17:52

This might be the very thing that brings you together ......

Miffster · 01/11/2010 17:55

Tell her you want her to get naked and show you her beaver.
When she acts appalled say, 'well, quite '.

JamieLeeCurtis · 01/11/2010 17:58

The Mil doesn't want to be at the birth Miffster

MintyMoo · 01/11/2010 17:59

Catholic - YADNBU. Having my mother there in labour is what I would want - she carried me for 9 months, she had me pulled from her vagina, she breastfed me 18 months, changed me nappies, blew my nose, did all the icky stuff for me when I was growing up. She can handle seeing my bits. She can help me latch the baby on when it's born etc. As lovely as my own MIL is, I'd prefer it if she didn't see my bits being stitched up! My Mum didn't have anyone when she had me, her mother was in a different country and she and my father don't believe men should witness childbirth. To not have anyone aside from a Dr was my Mum's choice (she didn't want her Mum there anyway, they're not close).

YOU are carrying the baby, YOU are pushing it out of your fanjo. YOU decide who is there and when. There is no point anyone arriving until the baby is born, no-one knows how long it will take, if you will need a CS or anything like that. Your MIL sounds overbearing - explain that she may see the baby once it's born and you're out of the delivery suite, cleaned up, stitched up and your baby has had it's first feed and been washed etc. Don't set a precedent for her to walk all over you, she's still baby's GM, she's still important and special but she needs to respect your privacy and see the baby once you're ready to receive visitors.

Your mother being present doesn't give her the right to be there - she is not your mother. I can understand to an extent why she wants to be there straight after the birth to see the baby but it's not a given right. My SIL gave birth 8 years ago, her mother and my DB were there. 24 hours later my parents and I went to see my DN but only because I was about to go abroad for several weeks - if not we'd have left it longer to give them space but they were happy to have us. We went for a few hours, had some cuddles, cooked her and DB dinner, made SIL drinks etc so she could rest and took supplies of food etc to save them a job.

If DP doesn't start sticking up for you tell him if he won't support you he won't be there either to witness it. You need to be as calm as possible during labour!

diddl · 01/11/2010 18:00

OP-are you sure that your husband wants your mother there & wouldn´t it rather be the two of you?

Miffster · 01/11/2010 18:03

JamieLeeHow do you know she doesn't want to be at the birth? She wants to be there 'the second' the OP goes into labour, she is insisting on that and not listening to the OP, the OP is having her mother in when she gives birth and we know the MiL is overbearing and she wants to be there 'as soon as he is born'.

The clues are there if you ask me...you can't be sure at this stage that she will not attempt to enter the room when at the hospital. What makes the OP think she will respect her wishes about staying out when she shows no sign of doing so before the birth?

Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 18:04

No he wants her there he keeps asking when she is coming to stay with us. They have a very good relationship as she is very loving towards him and him to her. He would say if he didnt but I think he wants her there as he is worried about it and wants her there to support him too.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/11/2010 18:05

Perhaps MIL wants to be there to support her son then!

Kirk1 · 01/11/2010 18:07

Perhaps DH and MIL should take themselves off somewhere and support each other then. He's going to be a Father, he needs to stop relying on Mummy and grow up!

Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 18:08

Miffster, if she arrives at the hospital and the baby isnt born (highly likely if she is wanting notice at the first twinge) I know for a fact she would be in the room she wouldnt be able to help herself and DH would do sweet FA all to get her out. This is a uge concern. But not only that I may want to go to sleep after he is born. There are more issues here and I could go on but she is already telling me how to parent him before he is even born, what nursery I should send him to, that she is taking him abroad to see her family without me when he is two etc etc. I have been with DH for many years but its only since we are having the baby that she has become so interfering to the point that I am getting upset now as I try so hard with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 18:10

DH doesnt want his mother to be there right after the birth but at the same time he hasnt got the balls to say no and said 'I will ask catholic if you can' knowing full well I dont want that!

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 01/11/2010 18:11

OMG, no way give in to her demands. Yes smile sweetly and say you'll ring....then ring her after the baby's born.

I would be tempted to lie about which hospital you're giving birth in, just to be on the safe side!

She sounds completely controlling - didn't she think to ASK you if you'd like her to come to the hospital?

diddl · 01/11/2010 18:13

Well tbh I think it´s odd that he wants his MIL there to support him!

If there´s any chance she would get into the delivery room then there is no way she should be told until after the baby is born imo.

She can only interfere if you let her.

She can "advise" but you don´t have to take it!

Also, if husband really might tell her as soon as you go into labour then I would consider just telling your mum!

Miffster · 01/11/2010 18:15

CatholicAtheist, I am sorry to hear it. She is displaying a completely inappropriate lack of boundaries and it is a shame that it looks like you are the one who is going to have to push back and hold the boundaries whilst she pushes hard at them trying to get her own way. It would be much better if your husband could stand at your side and help you to hold the boundaries and show her that she needs to behave in a more suitable way. It is not her baby. You are not her child. She is not behaving in a way that is respectful or reasonable or appropriate and unfortunately, you mnight need to tell her, over and over, politely, and in a grown up way, like a broken record if you need to, in writing if you need to, that she must give you space and respect and not try to muscle in like this.

What she is displaying are her 'wants' - not the same as her needs. Meanwhile, your need for privacy and respect and space is very important. For the sake of your baby as well as yourself, please don't let her trample you. She is BU. She really is. She needs to be told, until she accepts the facts, and changes her unreasonable behaviour.

Otherwise, this will just go on and on and it won't end happily.

Original poster
catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 18:17

Diddl he hasnt specifically asked my mother be there but he is quite happy that she is as he views her as supportive rather than someone who would take over.

OP posts:
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