to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

[catholicatheist]

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

[clam]

YADNBU. But your DH needs to tell her, kindly but firmly, how you'd like it to be. Otherwise, once you start faffing about with excuses and reasons, she may start finding solutions to them.

When I had DS, we did call DH's (lovely) mum to tell her it was all happening, during a dull bit of the proceedings. She had no intention of coming along to get in the way but she nonetheless decided to cancel her planned daytrip to London. DH tried to persuade her to go but she preferred to stay close for any (telephoned) updates. Turned out to be the day that the train home that she always took on such days out, crashed just outside Watford!

[piscesmoon]

I wouldn't make excuses or be devious just get DH to tell her calmly and politely that he will ring her as soon as you have given birth.

[Serendippy]

YANBU. You have many options.

1. Tell her that visitors are not allowed until the baby is actually born and back on the ward, therefore she will not be allowed in. (I used this one and spoke to the hospital, they said they would back me up as they are sick to death of MILs demanding to be allowed in, some before the baby has even arrived!)
   
2. Tell her 'no', that she may come when you are ready and that she will be able to see her grandchild within a few hours but that you want to be able to feed them first.
   
3. Say 'Of course we will call', then don't call. (I did this one as well, we were going to call when I went into labour, called just after baby arrived, they were all so thrilled to hear the good news they forgot to be cross. Am sure they were cross when they remembered but nobody has ever called me on it)
   
   Good luck!

[exexpat]

This all makes me very glad I gave birth several thousand miles away from any family - they didn't come and visit until DS was six weeks old and I felt I could cope with visitors. Of course being so far away does have its down-sides too, but at least I didn't have anyone trying to barge into the delivery room with me...

[FakePlasticTrees]

YANBU - tell her the hospital policy doesn't allow it - in fact, how involved with midwife appointments etc has your DH been? Tell him the hospital doesn't have waiting rooms and doesn't allow it.

I also wish I hadn't told people I was in labour - but it couldn't be helped, I went into labour a few weeks early on Christmas eve and the whole family were supposed to be turning up the next day at ours, so I sort of had to let them know it'd be unlikely they'd find anyone in. My Dad kept sending text messages all night for updates. (Which I pointedly didn't reply to in the hope he'd think I couldn't get a signal or something) I was really pissed off with him for bothering me and by the time he saw DS a couple of days later (really bad snow made the journey tricky - thank god!), i was still in a mood.

[ohrubbish]

I just wanted to add that you might find that your hospital really doesn't allow it. Mine didn't. Hospitals are busy places and there isn't a lot of room.
YADNBU - this is one of the few times in life where your needs really do come first. Put your foot down and get DH to clearly say no.

[SumfingNew]

Your baby, your choice.

That said - I think you'd be better off not lying and pretending to forget come the birth. At least if you put your foot down now, she'll know how you mean to continue once baby is here.

[diddl]

This has probably been said, but it is best just to tell her there´s no point as she´s not a birth partner & you will let her know when baby is here, & also let her know when you feel up to visitors.

[kickassangel]

there is a golden rule here - people should only be there for the birth if they might also have been there for conception. so - med staff (dd was ivf, so dh wasn't even there) & the father. basically, if you wouldn't let them stare at your nether regions at other times, they have no right to do it when you're giving birth.

otherwise - no.

and hospitals do send people home, there aren't waiting rooms in most of them, even american ones, no matter what the sit-coms make out.

[DuelingFanjo]

YANBU... tell your husband that no one should be contacted until the baby has arrived and you are rested.

A freind of mine wants me to ring her the second I go into labour (To be fair she waited until I got off another phone call and refused to leave her house until she spoke to me when she had her first!) so I have just nodded and grinned.

I am going to tell her it all happened so fast I forgot. I am giving DH strict instructions not to contact anyone until the baby is here. Anything could happen between you starting labour and having the baby. Why anyone would want to turn up at the hospital while you are in labour I don't know!

[JamieLeeCurtis]

Do you plan to have your mum in the room when you are giving birth?


If so, a word of caution - make sure she's prepared for all eventualities... I had my mum and DH there and she now says she found it very hard because she witnessed me having to have an EMCS (not the surgery, but all the hoo-ha beforehand).

TBH, although it was lovely for her to see DS1 early, and she was a support to me during the birth, I also regret that me and DH did not have more time alone, as we did when DS2 was born. I think it made DH feel a bit more useless than he would have otherwise, as well.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

... I can also see why MIL might feel hurt that it's a different rule for her than for your mum. It's not rational, but I can see her POV

(mother of boys here )

[PortoFangO]

The hospital probably won't allow it anyhow. The maternity ward I was on had no waiting room and visitors (apart from birth partners) were banned at night. I agree - tell her afterwards.

[EldritchCleavage]

I agree with Sumfing, I think it's better to tell her straight so she knows there are now boundaries in place that she will be expected to respect. HOnestly, if my MIL had tried this I would have got an injunction!

Are you sure you want your own mother there, by the way? Much as I love mine I would not have had her there, though in fact she would have been too anxious and wouldn't have come anyway.

[catholicatheist]

Ah yes I definitely want my mother there without a doubt and I am sure DH does too. She is very calm and will not interfere in any way and will respect any boundaries that we have eg if we want time alone with the baby etc. I am very close to my mum and so would not feel awkward asking her to do or not to do things. Some good ideas from everyone. I think I will get DH to read this thread and then he will understand that nobody else would appreciate being in this predicament and it is not me being unreasonable and that HE needs to deal with it NOT me.

[diddl]

TBH if you are having your mum there, then I quite see why MIL wants to be told asap & why your husband thinks that that is OK.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

Good you feel close to your mum, and trust her, as I did mine

Just make sure your mum knows what will happen during the birth. I know it sounds funny, but things have changed a lot since you were born and your mum may have had a very different birth to you (for instance, when I was born, home births were common). My mum knew nothing about epidurals and monitoring and was very alarmed (although she didn't show it that there was meconium in my waters).

Also, please bear in mind that you may be a MIL in future, so try and have a little empathy for her. You sound a bit bolshie, TBH

[catholicatheist]

why does it make any difference if my mother is there?

[JamieLeeCurtis]

Because this baby is as much related to your MIL as it is to your mother

Because your MIL is probably remembering her excitement and joy when she gave birth to her son

[JamieLeeCurtis]

I'm not saying it is reasonable for your MIL to be there, BTW.

[catholicatheist]

But I dont want my MIL at the birth, I want my mother there. She wouldnt have wanted her MIL at the birth of her son but she had her mother there?

[BrandyAlexander]

The labour isn't about the baby, it's about you. Nip this in the bud now or prepare to face a lifetime of misery with demanding inlaws and a feckless/gutless husband. I wouldn't bother with any of the excuses, a simple no should suffice. I always find these things a real test of character for the husband. I was in labour for 3 days. If DH had chosen to prioritise the feelings of his parents over mine, that would have been, quite frankly, a huge mark against him, and also against the in-laws. My MIL can be totally over bearing but when I gave birth she remembered what it felt like for her, and she gave me plenty of space. I actually love, like and respect her a lot more since the birth for the way she behaved and the respect and care she showed to me.

[ChaoticAngel]

The baby might be, the op isn't and it's her who is going through the labour. The mil needs to remember that. I speak as someone who has a DS.

[diddl]

No one is saying that your MIL should be at the birth.

But bearing in mind that your mum will be, it´s understandable that she wants to be there asap.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

I don't think it is reasonable for the MIL to be there. I certainly didn't want my MIL there. I think it's reasonable for the OP to set limits on when she is ready for visitors.

I'm just saying that MIL shouldn't be seen as a meddling inconvenience