to be astounded at being asked to buy christmas gifts for the adults and not the children?

[mysteryfairy]

DH comes from a big family, with lots of siblings, most have lots of offspring. At the moment the oldest of the new generation is 16 and the youngest are tiny babies so all still children for gift buying purposes.

A few years ago the whole family stopped buying for everyone else as it was getting totally unmanageable and we started pulling names out of a hat so each sibling (and partner if applicable) and each child had one present bought for xmas by someone in the family.

This year it has been requested that the rough budget be increased for the adults but not the children . DH and I have actually got the maker of this request to buy for so though I have always in previous year's blown the budget for everyone I have bought for I am tempted towards meanness or maybe a very generous charity gift.

We've now had an email circulated requesting that in future years we should only buy for adults and not children!

I am totally astounded that anyone would suggest this. Surely this is the opposite of normal and they are BVU.

Between my siblings we buy each other nice birthday presents but only buy for the children at xmas.

YANBU - that's bonkers.

In our family it's always been that once children came along it was them that were given presents, now that most are grown up I've started giving to my sisters again.
I think its bizarre.

It doesn't strike me as that odd . I realise it is mostly the opposite of what people on Mumsnet think.

Children usually get the most ridiculous amounts at Christmas whereas I usually get some socks. Perhaps a token selection box for children and a proper gift for adults would be preferable - by proper I mean an Oxfam or charity gift too.

Give what you want to give & to whomever you see fit. Ignore instructions, 'rough budgets' and all the rest. There's too much control-freakery otherwise. Charity donations sound perfect.

Circulate your own email which states that in your opinion buying for adults should be stopped and the increase in budget should be for the kids!

It does seem a bit weird. Most people would say "let's forget about the adults" and concentrate on the children really.

The idea that someone would set a budget for me would irritate me a lot as well.

Who circulated the email? Can't you reply saying that it seems odd and would leave you feeling uncomfortable?
Suggest in the mail that if you all can't agree on a budget and who gets presents, that everyone stick to charity giving from now on.

I'd've thought it would be far more normal to buy for kids only. Kids are likely to be upset if their parents get a present and they don't. If the parents are upset because someone buys for the kids and not them... Well childish is putting it mildly.

I dread present-giving times. I really wish I was excempt from receiving presents at all. I can afford to buy myself everything I need and the stuff I'd like but can't afford isn't appropriate for presents (and too expensive). That means I get given stuff I'd rather not have and I'd prefer that people saved their money. I'm sure they feel similarly about my gifts to them. The kids love getting present though (even if I despair about where to put it).

Definitely go with a generous charity gift for the bugger who wants everyone to spend more on them. In future years, I'd move to buying all the kids small but nice presents and getting nothing for any of the adults. Unilaterally.

The emails are being circulated by Dh's siblings. DH has forbidden me from joining in with any comments (although the actual shopping always falls to me and to be fair I do like shopping!).

I can't cope with buying for all the kids - there are approx 30 at the moment and probably quite a few more still to come. I also hated it when my own three got presents from all DH's siblings - it was an awful lot of tat coming into the house.

I agree with laurie - our children gets mountains of presents from all sorts of people whereas the adults in our family get very little. It makes perfect sense to me for, say, my sister and I to exchange gifts but to not bother buying for each other's children. We both have three children who get a ridiculous amount from grandparents, friends etc, and my presents to them get lost in the general pile. Whereas I enjoy choosing something special for my sister and she won't get much else from other people.

But when I suggested this to my sister a couple of years ago she thought I was BU too so I'm going to resort to my first ever [hbiscuit]

In which case, don't buy anything at all next year on the premise that you can't afford to buy for everyone, so it's fairer to buy for no one. Say you're making a charity donation in lieu of participating in family gift giving, regardless what everyone else is doing.

In fact, tell your husband to tell everyone this. Unilateral action is the only way forwards.

it is weird. adults don't need gifts, they can buy themselves stuff that they actually like

Right, well if DH won't let you comment then he won't mind if you're not involved at all in shopping for, choosing, paying for and wrapping the gifts then will he?

If you are allowed to join in, then suggest not buying at all and making family donations on their behalf. Buying a tree or adopting an animal they can visit perhaps.

He's forbidden you to join in the discussion, but he expects you to buy the gifts?

No Taxation Without Representation, I'd tell him. (Or more accurately, No Gift Buying Without A Chance to Stick My Oar In, but that's not so catchy.)

We all get together to exchange gifts over christmas though not on the day and I can't imagine a scenario where the adults are getting presents and the children are not being any fun, even if arguably children already do quite well out of xmas.

Inevitably in such a large family there is a wide disparity in incomes and also what might be given by their other side of the family and I think some of my nieces and nephews do actually benefit from getting a big present from an auntie and uncle as otherwise xmas could be quite scant.

DH and I are pretty lucky in material terms and our children do do very well out of us, my parents and siblings but I like the feeling there is some connection with DH's family in the exchange of gifts.

DH and I aren't really in the position of wanting anything that we can't afford ourselves that could be given as a christmas gift and TBH it's pretty dismaying to get £50 worth of M&S little gift packs as we've received in previous years.

Annie has it right on there - tell dp he sorts it out sensibly, or he'll be doing a lot of shopping this year!

It does sound a bit odd and I always thought the point of a budget was to set a maximum amount to stop people from having to buy very expensive presents or from entering into present one upmanship.

Or you could say 'thanks' to DH for agreeing to take on the issue of his family's gift giving in it's entirety (including paying, choosing, wrapping, delivering) leaving you free to not care what's going on at all.

Given that he's likely to dislike the implications of this (going by what you've said), you can then move on to the charity donation plan instead. In future years refuse to attribute this donation to any particular family member, just make a general donation in lieu of gift giving at all. And encourage others to consider doing the same.

I think it sounds like a good idea - in essence all the adults are getting a small token present (adults never do well at christmas ) the children will already have had presents so no issue there.

Ayjay: I think the suggester must see the 'budget' as a target rather than a maximum. Otherwise why bother suggesting increasing it?

I'm obviously in the minority! But really, it's obscene what our children get at Christmas from other people (I'm talking about my children and my sister's), perhaps because we have three sets of grandparents and large families generally. I jsut think it's silly that every year my sister sends down another £20 of ELC stuff per child when my children are too young to even really notice what they get or who it's from. They really wouldn't mind or notice if she didn't give them anything.

DH doesn't want anything ever (he's completely unmaterialistic and hates waste) but my family refuse to not buy him things. I like buying things for my sister and could afford to spend more on her if I didn't also have to buy more Sylvanian Families tat presents for her children.

The email is a bit wierd though.

Oh I utterly loathe 'token presents'.

Anyone who ever feels obliged to buy something of this description for me: please don't. Spend your money on yourself and I'll be happy with nothing. No one needs to buy my friendship.

It's his family - stop allowing it to be your problem. I used to buy all the presents for both sides of the family, but after a particularly embarassing Christmas I stopped buying for DH's family. (I did tell his family that DH was now in charge of their presents because I didn't want them to think I was responsible. DH's version of present buying is a quick trawl around the shops of Heathrow on the way out. )

Bonkers idea. Adults don't need presents.