To think that gift giving is a terrible, pressurising con?

[WillYouDoTheDamnFanjo]

Truly loved ones excepted, I have completely had it with gift giving.

Coming from a family that uses the exchange of gifts and associated thank yous as a bizarre form of emotional torture, I am ready to give the whole thing up.

Really, why do we do it to ourselves and our friends and family? Wouldn't we be better off spending the cash on a meal, or a day out?

I used to love thoughtfully picking out or hand-making every gift, and genuinely didn't care whether I received anything in return (even a thank you). However something has changed this year.

A very dear friend of mine has never ever given me a gift, not for wedding, arrival of DC, anything. I used to buy her little things for birthday and Christmas. After a few years I couldn't deny my "where's MY f-ing present ?!" feelings any longer and asked her about it. She said that presents were a form of contract. At the time I thought this was a bit harsh, but she was a lovely and generous person in other ways so I just took her off my present list. It's one of my strongest friendships and has lasted 22 years.

I'm not just being "bah, humbug" here. I think the whole business of giving trinkets and thanking for trinkets causes more harm than good, particularly to women who bear the burden at Christmas time.

We have so little money and time for that matter that we don't do gifts for adults in my family. None of us have a lot of free money. It is agreed to buy for the children and the rest of us can enjoy their happiness at getting something to open.

If we had more money then we would buy for each other.

OP you seem to contradict yourself as you got rather upset when your friend didn't give you a gift and yet you say "genuinely didn't care whether I received anything in return (even a thank you)."

Myself and DH haven't exchanged christmas gifts for years. I would much rather give/get a gift when it's not expected - which he does.

YANBU except for the part where you were wondering where your present was!

I have always [as an adult] loathed the 'contract' of gift giving, but it isn't until recently that I have truly embraced it.

That doesn't mean that I don't give gifts, I do. I just give very few 'contractual gifts'. That is mainly because I more fully appreciate that it can set up an obligation. I have even stopped buying for children who don't live close to me at xmas and birthday time - I simply give buy them a gift when I see them. Then I am no longer left wondering if they got the gift (when no thank you note arrives!).

This Christmas I am buying for my DCs, buying the Christmas shop for my parents, and hosting Christmas day for the ILs and us. DH will buy the ILs a present (I simply told him it was his responsiblility from now on and asked them not to buy for me). I feel like I can truly enjoy the season now!

OP I know exactly where you're coming from.

And I agree in this day and age when people have so much tis much better to give them an "experience" type gift instead.

One of my favourite things to give to a family at xmas is a big box of popcorn with a £25 cineworld voucher attached, all nicely giftwrapped.

Absolutely agree - but you need to stand firm and 'start the trend' otherwise you will be ranting on about this for years; I buy very few presents, only for my best friend, a couple of godchildren, most nieces and nephews get a small amount of cash (£10) - DH and I don't exchange presents; my parents and I have a nice meal out. DH decides what to buy DS. It works really well and everyone seems happy - the only thing is that I miss wrapping up presents - I love wrapping paper, sparkly ribbon and bows ! I prefer to give money to charities at Christmas and yes, we do the shoebox thing .

I do receive a few presents at christmas and to be honest, 90% of them go straight to the charity shop. I must be really hard to buy for!

90% of my gifts go straight to the charity shop too.

I don't think it's because I'm hard to buy for though. For some reason my family ask me what i'd like and then buy something else .

Just buy for children. That's not a contract, it's lovely. Most adults accept (and welcome it) when you say you'd like the annual exchange of scented candles to stop.

We're doing a £5 christmas this year, I resent all the plastic tat that my DD gets given that we don't have room for, and buying stuff for the sake of it, I really don't need trinkets etc.

You do need to tell everyone though, to save any embarrassment.

We buy presents for the kids and that's it. None of the adults in my family are fussed about presents at Christmas. I am amazed at people who go out shopping armed with a long list of people to buy for. Pointless waste of money, imo.

bubbleOseven that's a great idea i think i shall steal it :)

The cinema not the charity shop one

Can I butt in here and ask those of you who don't give adult gifts, how you raised it within the family?

Thinking of doing this with my family (it would be my parents, brother and SIL) - or doing the thing where you pick someone's name out of a hat and just buy for them (not Secret Santa, because they would know who picked there name).

Am nervous about appearing Scroogely, but I just think it would result in less stress and expense for all of us. For all I know, the others might have been of similar mind for years, but I'm not sure

their

Jamie, I sounded my DH out and then my mum out about it first. They both agreed, so we jointly raised it at a family 'do'. The relief on people's faces was enormous

We agreed to give to children in the family only. Have been doing it about five years now.

No more desperate searching for something for my hard-to-buy-for stepdad / ancient uncle. No more having to pretend to be thrilled with another Boots 3 for 2 toiletries set

Go on, try it!

Thanks Faamily .

We already do this with extended family - aunts, uncles, cousins - and have a pre-christmas "do". Wondering if it would be a step too far for my mum and my SIL

Luckily for me I've never had to mention it. Adult gifts have never been given in my family. When we were kids, my aunts and uncles used to buy for us but not for my parents. I never realised until recently that this wasn't the norm.

"The annual exchange of scented candles" - that's exactly it.

About me wondering why my friend didn't buy a present; we've been friends since I was 14, I bought her a present for a few years and wasn't irked about not getting one in return for about 3 years and then brought it up. Realising that I was irked was the thing that gave her contract comment such weight.

The thank you thing too, I know it's good manners, but it can be used as a nasty pointy weapon of judgeyness. I have one relative who sends a £10 cheque for DC. I phone and thank. I then source a present, phone and consult and thank. I then shop for and wrap the present, phone and reassure all in hand and thank. Then woe betide that the clock should strike past than 9am on the day of gift opening without ye official opening thank you, lest at 9:02am ye shall receive a pointed phone call "just wondering if DC liked the present I got them." Another old friend surprised me too; i usually email a pic of DC opening/ playing with presents with a thank you, often the same day. She has since had her DC and always sends a handmade thank you card because she says anything less is "rude."

Both these things make me feel rubbish. That's not very giving, is it?

One birthday I sent a thank you card 1st class to arrive with said relative on the morning of DC's birthday as we were going to be away. Didn't go down well as it "spoiled the surprise."

I do buy for adults though - my mum and stepfather and smaller presents for my dad and step-mum - just jokey things for them as it's been a sort of tradition. Nothing for aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. Nothing for brothers and SIL but I will buy for their new baby. They will buy for DD.
I see my Mum and S-dad on the day usually, maybe that's the difference.

bubbleOseven Brillant idea I'm going to do that for my best friend. Everyone else gets a food hamper. Very close friend and his daughter are going to get panto tickets. daughter going to get something on Christmas day. My family have gone JW so don't need to buy for them. Brother in Canada we never send presents to each other. So just kids really to worry about. I do work hard on the other christmas traditions though

Gifts cause trouble and also give pleasure.

I have long since stopped presents with brothers and sisters. We are not a close family anyway and we did not decide to stop at any point - it just drifted.

But I am a big baby and love getting gifts. Because of this I do still exchange with a few friends. It is the surprise element that counts with me. DH is the only other person who ever buys me a gift and I always know what I am getting from him.

Can see where OP is coming from though.

I just emailed everyone and said that we would only be spending £5 on presents this year. Job Market is shaky, economy about to head into recession, no point in spending loads on unwanted gifts. I also said that in a bid to do some good with the money I am spending that I will be buying either fair-trade or British made goods. It's been good fun and I've found lots of interesting nice stuff too.

YANBU - we said to BIL and his wife we won't be giving them gifts, only to their children.

It just gets out of hand really. Best to talk to relatives and friends in person though about why you won't be giving them gifts - this isn't really a topic for discussion via email or phone calls.

I don't give a toss about gifts anymore, maybe it's an age thing (receipt of gifts I mean!) but I enjoy giving to others. When we can afford it obviously.

SarfEasticated I like the idea of buying British maybe that could be a new thread as it's not that easy I would imagine. Every thing British is a bit expensive. What do you think?

Fanjo I feel the same as you

I loathe giving presents, even to my own children. The capacity to 'get it wrong' or give something that they will never play with is huge.

I feel stressed receiving presents too- they are often things I do not like or will not use and the waste of oney makes me want to weep

Not sure what the answer is...but I'm dreading Christmas

Don't do it! You don't have to-come to an arrangement. We have a meal out with BIL and SIL sometime in January-much nicer.