To think that gift giving is a terrible, pressurising con?

[WillYouDoTheDamnFanjo]

Truly loved ones excepted, I have completely had it with gift giving.

Coming from a family that uses the exchange of gifts and associated thank yous as a bizarre form of emotional torture, I am ready to give the whole thing up.

Really, why do we do it to ourselves and our friends and family? Wouldn't we be better off spending the cash on a meal, or a day out?

I used to love thoughtfully picking out or hand-making every gift, and genuinely didn't care whether I received anything in return (even a thank you). However something has changed this year.

A very dear friend of mine has never ever given me a gift, not for wedding, arrival of DC, anything. I used to buy her little things for birthday and Christmas. After a few years I couldn't deny my "where's MY f-ing present ?!" feelings any longer and asked her about it. She said that presents were a form of contract. At the time I thought this was a bit harsh, but she was a lovely and generous person in other ways so I just took her off my present list. It's one of my strongest friendships and has lasted 22 years.

I'm not just being "bah, humbug" here. I think the whole business of giving trinkets and thanking for trinkets causes more harm than good, particularly to women who bear the burden at Christmas time.

Mojangles - yes, where once it was fun, now there seems to be a set of rules for different family members and it gets confusing. I have SIL who every year informs everyone that her family will be spending a set amount per couple/family which is fine in theory but as we all tend to spend Xmas with one another this means everyone needs to stick to the same amount or it can get embarrassing. This usually tends to piss on any plans I have for specific pressies for people if they are not within the limit.

I have another SIL who is quite happy to simply hand back the present if she doesn't want it/already has it etc. I suppose again this isn't such a big deal but is not something my family would ever do.

I also have another one who hates surprises and has quite a strict list of things she doesn't want to receive e.g no food presents, no smellie presents, no clothing and no music.

Also I now get gift lists sent through of what my nieces and nephews want for Xmas and polite reminders from the parents to let them know what we plan on buying so they don't duplicate - again, very sensible I know, but radically different from what I'm used to in my family.

Bizzyashell I agree it does rather ruin the surprise!

Mojangles it sounds like you've inherited the SILs from hell and any pleasure of gift giving has gone. Maybe you need to be a little bit assertive?

I love giving presents at Christmas. My family is a list family. We all make our lists in November or so, having kept an eye out for things we would like, and with the expectation that there won't be any treats from then until Christmas. Lists have cheap things and more expensive things, some prescriptive and some just ideas. We tend to send the list to my mother to keep track of. I have 16 presents to find this year, with the added interest of sending them early enough to reach my family. Getting their parcels is now an exciting part of Christmas too (we moved from the UK 2 1/2 years ago). I don't buy for uncles and aunts, cousins etc unless I see them. I get the children to make things for their cousins and grandparents, and we send family gifts to the other grown ups, unless they see something they think is just the job. I think it's really important to make sure that the children are involved with presents, as for me a great deal of the joy of Christmas is getting the right gift for someone and seeing their face light up.

My ILs have a totally different attitude. They don't ask what anyone wants, and are inclined to buy things that really aren't right. Judging by my dh it's because they can't be bothered, which I think it very sad. For them Christmas is really about getting drunk more than anything else. I find it quite depressing, although we've had one of two Christmases with my SIL and she is an excellent host. It's easier when visiting as we can make the presents food and drink. I guess it's just different expectations. Now we are abroad we don't really do anything Christmassy with that side of the family at all.

Our family had to resort to lists because half of us had extremely different views on what constituted a lovely present. So in order to avoid face-dropping and potential embarrassment at Christmas, we had lists. That way, we could be relatively sure of getting things that we wanted. The element of surprise wasn't exactly lost because you still didn't know which things you would get and which not.

My MIL has had a hard life where presents were concerned - she married a man who didn't really "do" presents, and therefore her 2 DSs don't really "do" presents either and she had to put up with it so didn't really do them either - until I came along and started to organise DH into paying some attention to his mum on her birthday/mother's day/Christmas! She buys for DS of course but isn't quite sure what to do about me and DH - but this year we've already discussed it and she's getting us a joint present, which is fine. She takes me shopping for my birthday to get around any "getting it wrong" scenarios, which is very thoughtful of her. So far the things I have bought her seem to have gone down well! Fingers crossed that continues (can't ask her what she wants, she always says "nothing" - years of conditioning :()