To think that gift giving is a terrible, pressurising con?

[WillYouDoTheDamnFanjo]

Truly loved ones excepted, I have completely had it with gift giving.

Coming from a family that uses the exchange of gifts and associated thank yous as a bizarre form of emotional torture, I am ready to give the whole thing up.

Really, why do we do it to ourselves and our friends and family? Wouldn't we be better off spending the cash on a meal, or a day out?

I used to love thoughtfully picking out or hand-making every gift, and genuinely didn't care whether I received anything in return (even a thank you). However something has changed this year.

A very dear friend of mine has never ever given me a gift, not for wedding, arrival of DC, anything. I used to buy her little things for birthday and Christmas. After a few years I couldn't deny my "where's MY f-ing present ?!" feelings any longer and asked her about it. She said that presents were a form of contract. At the time I thought this was a bit harsh, but she was a lovely and generous person in other ways so I just took her off my present list. It's one of my strongest friendships and has lasted 22 years.

I'm not just being "bah, humbug" here. I think the whole business of giving trinkets and thanking for trinkets causes more harm than good, particularly to women who bear the burden at Christmas time.

I like the idea of buying British made presents.

My work colleagues insist on exchanging gifts with everyone every year. This year I have bought them all cider from here and cider mulling spices from here (which were actually bought in Oxfam). IMO far nicer than the usual smellies that nobody actually uses.

That reminds me, my family haven't done the list yet this year. We are all impossible to buy for as, on the whole, if we want something we just buy it for ourselves. What has worked in previous years is whenever we have an impulse to buy ourselves a treat (a DVD, CD, indulgent toiletries, dressing gown etc) from mid-October onwards we write it down instead of buying it. Then towards the end of November we circulate the list and that way we all get to open something we actually want on Christmas Day.

Afraid I rather enjoy it

But then I have an extended family who know me very well and spend time on choosing presents- and like bran, if I feel like buying myself a treat, I would rather drop a hint to the family for Christmas. The added advantage of Christmas is that the family can come up with CDs and DVDs that I hadn't heard of, or thought to wish, but because they really know me, they usually get it right.

I tried some years ago (about 20, I think) to have an amnesty on present-giving in my family - but failed. We were all adults, no children around - I (and the rest of my family) already had too much Stuff in our houses and didn't really need anything much. I resorted to asking for money towards large purchases, such as a decent camera or a computer - but this went down like a lead balloon with my Mum and Sister, both of whom feel/felt that presents are Absolutely Necessary.

As a result, I ended up with Even More Stuff, some of which I really would rather not have had (I have terrible trouble giving gifts to charity shops, I'd hate to think that a present I'd given someone else was so little appreciated that it ended up in a charity shop so I wouldn't do that to anyone else).

Now we are in a different country, it makes the whole present issue a bit easier - too expensive to post and not that easy to buy over the internet (Dad, for example, absolutely does NOT want any more books/clothes/DVDs, or anything else really)

Haven't given presents to friends for years, except for Big birthdays.

A couple of years ago I suggested to DHs family that we choose a name out of a hat and it worked quite well as it meant we had to buy two presents rather than 10 but unfortunately this year they don't want to do it. Apparently they ended up buying other presents as well so despite the fact that they know my dh has been out of work since January, they have decided that we should buy for everyone this year
I have gone entirely bah humbug and said that we can't afford to buy presents this year so please don't anyone buy for us.

I like the 'Buy British' idea.
We don't buy for many adults (stopped a few years ago) but those we do will this year get an Emma Bridgewater tray with Duchy biscuits and some tea, I think.

Any ideas of 'British' gifts for teenage girls or 7 year old boys?

yanbu. so much overpriced tat in the shops.

What annoys me about gift giving is that I love giving people things they want, but am terrible at knowing what those things are. I always end up asking adults I always buy for [mom and dad because that's contractual, my cousin and her boyfriend because we're close friends and we see each other often enough] and spend hours agonising over things for children. I am quite random though; some years I will just decide I want to give something to one of my aunts, or I'll find something randomly that's perfect for a friend and will get that. I like doing it like that. With a group of friends I've since we were four though, we all decided when we were about twelve to give up trying to do birthday/Christmas presents because we could never see each other on time and it ended up being a year round, "Oh damn, I forgot your present, I'll bring it next time." So we just gave up, heh.

One thing I do with the extended family is a lucky dip. My cousin and I do the Christmas Quiz every year, and I buy the 'prizes' - they all cost £1 or less and are amazingly naff. Things that will cause a laugh on the day, or keep someone occupied for five minutes but will ultimately get forgotten about. They are much enjoyed on the day and I love choosing them all, sorting them into groups depending on their awfulness, and watching people's faces as they unwrap their inflatable soldier, handbag in the shape of a shoe or Muppets tea towel.

I have started a blog about trying find stuff for under a £5 not sure if I'm allowed to post it here or not though. I think firstly you have to adjust your expectations, you aren't going to anything life-changing for a £5, but you will get something nice/quirky/imaginative/different.
I will probably spend more on DH and DD but for my parents, nieces and nephews it will be £5
Last year I did well on 3 for 2 books in Waterstones, plus got reward points. Obviously if you have a local independent book shop that would be better. The books I bought were printed here so doing our bit for the printing industry too.
I also really like museum gift shops, V&A, Science Museum and you can shop on-line too.
Department store buying is OK too in my book, John Lewis are very ethical employers so worth supporting, and M&S are doing their bit for the environment too.

I can't believe that people buy presents for the adults in the family. I ONLY buy presents for children and it's usually vouchers.
The idea of trudging up and down Oxford Street looking for tat such as candles and smelly soaps fills me with dread. I always enjoy Christmas, because i refuse to buy into all the presenr buying rubbish.

Love the blog, Sarf. Rococo bars are a brilliant idea - 3 of them in a stack and tied with ribbon would be a gorgeous little gift.

Other five pound ideas -
chunk of local cheese and some crackers;
huge jar of pickled onions;
I love the tiny Moleskin notebooks but I can't remember if they are British-made or not;
for teenage girls - a Cath Kidston mirror compact and tissues.

Will try and come back with more later.

we give a family member money to help with his kids, they are truly skint. we can just about afford it, and i wouldnt mind so much if there was a phone call or even a xmas card. still we do it anyway. like you, i have liked giving presents and i always done this without expecting anything in return, but both our families take the fking piss, rarely anything for our kids and i feel very resentful about this.

Ooh Belligerent can I pinch some of your ideas and put them up?

am going to put some more up there later on today, so if anyone has any other ideas I can use please let me know

Of course. Have added your blog to my favourites, so I remember to look at it again. :)

I do see where you are going with this. I don't mind buying for close family members, and one or two other children, but we end up buying for several other friends. Most of these are dh's fiends, with whom he has exchanged gifts for years, and I would feel a bit awkward about suggesting we stop.

The idea of only giving to children within the family would also be good if it weren't for the fact that in my family, I am the only one with a child. So my sisters would be buying for my ds and I would be buying nothing, which doesn't seem very fair!

Fantastic blog Sarf, will be keeping an eye on it for ideas.

Last year I made jam and chutney and put them in little baskets for friends' Christmas presents. I got most of the fruit for free from friends and family's gardens so it worked out really cheap.

Getting present for adults doesn't have to be a pointless chore: it depends a lot on the people themselves. I spend all year keeping an eye out for presents for my lot, but that's because I know they are really going to enjoy it and I can find the sort of present they might not be able to get hold of: second hand books they've wanted for years- or would have wanted if they'd known about them, a film that they didn't know about, or (for MIL) special things like slippers from the disabled shop that she can't get out to buy for herself. We do specific lists too, and I think they're a great idea.

I saw this place the other day - books www.persephonebooks.co.uk/ and thought that the book subscription idea would be a lovely gift if you had a friend living abroad, or unable to get out to the library. Not cheap though...

www.persephonebooks.co.uk/pages/ordering/book_subscription.asp

For my mum's 60th birthday I managed to get hold of a 1940s copy of her favourite bedtime story as a child. I had it shipped over from New Zealand.

This isn't the kind of gift giving that is going to happen with my work colleagues though!

We don't do gifts for grown ups ( and that includes between us ( DH and I) and close family. If there are things DH or I really want then we get them. and for family birthdays and Christmas I will cook for people or host a get together but I don't do presents for grown ups anymore !

Bek x

When you all say you don't buy for grown-ups does that include grown-up nieces and nephews?

Our own children are all under 6 but the other children in the family are all grown-up, away at uni, moved out etc.

If I stop buying for nieces/nephews should I buy for sister, SIL, BIL instead.

I always find this really tricky, in my family we tend to stop buying once people reach 21, but all my husband's aunties all still buy for him and our children.

Just wondered how others handle it, it does all seem like such a waste of time, oh family don't know me well, so usually end up either giving me money/vouchers or something which is just not my taste at all, and I'm not overly fussy! I'm sure they feel the same about what I give them, what a waste of everyones time and money.

we stopped buying pressies for any children once aged 18.

i like buying presents and do so for family (small) and just one or two friends who live far away.
each of my parents get a book or something similar, thoughtful but maybe only a tenner or even less.

dh buys for his family (bigger than mine but not huge) and his friends who have become our friends as we see them around xmas - his friends get tins of nice coffee, biscuits etc. once each a hand-knitted beanie from me.
one of his friends always gives us an unusual recipe with all the ingredients (real south american chocolate one year, saffron another year).

dh's cousins (students) get a six pack of beer or something

we neither give nor receive any scented candles, socks, or smelly bath stuff.