To think that gift giving is a terrible, pressurising con?

[WillYouDoTheDamnFanjo]

Truly loved ones excepted, I have completely had it with gift giving.

Coming from a family that uses the exchange of gifts and associated thank yous as a bizarre form of emotional torture, I am ready to give the whole thing up.

Really, why do we do it to ourselves and our friends and family? Wouldn't we be better off spending the cash on a meal, or a day out?

I used to love thoughtfully picking out or hand-making every gift, and genuinely didn't care whether I received anything in return (even a thank you). However something has changed this year.

A very dear friend of mine has never ever given me a gift, not for wedding, arrival of DC, anything. I used to buy her little things for birthday and Christmas. After a few years I couldn't deny my "where's MY f-ing present ?!" feelings any longer and asked her about it. She said that presents were a form of contract. At the time I thought this was a bit harsh, but she was a lovely and generous person in other ways so I just took her off my present list. It's one of my strongest friendships and has lasted 22 years.

I'm not just being "bah, humbug" here. I think the whole business of giving trinkets and thanking for trinkets causes more harm than good, particularly to women who bear the burden at Christmas time.

PlanetEarth LOL they some how want you to unearth something that will be warm comfortable but take lbs off them & turn the clock back 20 yrs.
Young Just beofre I pick up Ds. Thank you. I understand, Japan has a very detailed etiquette on gift giving. maybe we should create some sort English, etiquette on gift giving. That would make me happier!

bubbleOseven I've just nicked your cinema voucher gift idea. I am trying to curb the Christmas gift giving, especially for DH's family, who we hardly see anyway, so family gifts are definately the way forward.

my DH hates the present thing gets so much tat like wrong mobile phone car charger thermal mugs he does not drink tea or coffee etc,
but in my family have always had lists of what we want; max price £20 my mom and sisters want to know what to buy DD so I say like jigsaws but no soft toys she has too many already. my MIL doesn't so DD now has 5 teddies lists are great you get what you want you know what to buy them so my sister asked for little people farm for her DD so got a nearly new one off ebay and everyone is happy cousin as she has farm and zoo for less than farm new so it saves money and no awkward thanking anyone for the lovely warm mustard coloured mittens etc
but buying for work colleagues stopped that ages ago a secret santa thing is fine but otherwise it can be almost a type of harrassment/bullying.... if you dont want too can always say its against my beliefs but do not enlarge on what said beliefs are!!!!!
its sad when christmas is all about presents instead of the real thing

We only buy 'proper' Christmas presents for the children in our family now, and there are only four of them, so it's not too expensive. I also buy for Godchildren and a token £5 max present for a few other children - M&S puzzles from the outlet centre are a speciality.

For the adults, we buy pound presents that must be practical or completely tacky (sometimes both!) which are great fun to open. I've had some great books/cds/massive box of misshapen jaffa cakes from the pound shop . If we want anything else during the year we buy it for ourselves, and I hate people spending their hard-earned money on something that I don't want and won't keep.

I'm rambling now, but a few years ago we had an unwanted present bring and buy sale at work. We raised loads of money which was donated to charity and people were able to offload/buy pressies.

I do only buy presents for those I truly love - well - the PIL too but DH truly loves them .

We buy presents for the children, and I buy for my parents, being as they buy for all the grandchildren.

We also do a secret santa of £10 max to open after lunch, this is for the adults. So as a couple you only spend £20.

If you want to save money on your christmas spend, then there is a great free app you can download and it will search for the best price online for whatever you are looking for

go to www.myshoppinggenie.com/myc68

I use it for whatever I purchase online, I just made a great saving on a bicycle for my son for christmas.

Enjoy

I think men get a bum deal this time of year. But on the other hand they genrally like very expensive stuff cars girls

I love Christmas presents! I love giving them and receiving them. I buy them for all family who are staying on Christmas day, and as that is about 20 this year and money is a bit tight I am planning to make them all instead and not buy anything. I agree with the previous posters who have said it doesn't have to be about spending money at all, it is about showing you have thought about someone and what they might like. I don't agree at all with the idea of buying only for children. I think small children get totally overwhelmed with a huge pile of plastic tat and would often be much happier with just one or two presents, or just the bubble wrap and the boxes!

I totally agree that the idea of having to buy for collegues is horrendous though. Mine would definately get me a bunch of hideous stuff I don't want, and I don't feel I know them (or care about them!) well enough to know what they would like. Terrible idea.

Hate, hate, hate it! Each year I say to my DM 'please only one present, under £20 and I will do the same' and each year I know she will go over the top. :(

She's retiring next year and they can't afford it anyway. I just want to hand it all back and say 'no we agreed only one present for less than £20' but it seems ungrateful. But my house is full of stuff and I need nothing. :(

As for Dh's lot, they want as much as possible as long as it's got a designer name

If it was not for the kids I'd cancel the whole bloody thing.

Oh YANBU at all OP, not one iota. Not an intsy wintsy bit. You are absolutely 100% reasonable, sensible and I want to invite you to come and hide in my curmudgeon's shed between the 23rd and 28th December!

I hate the stress of presents, but when Christmas day finally arrives, I do really love people loving what I've given them. And I love getting presents myself. But I am easy as I love scented candles and smellies and Boots 3 for 2s.

DCs have such a ludicrous amount of toys, none of which they have enough time to really play with fully, that I dread the thought of anymore coming into the house.

I find it really stressful with ILs - they are completely lovely but OTT generous and they want lists of what to buy each of us, then I get at least two phone calls per present when they are shopping. E.g. last year, I'm busy at work and MIL calls 'urgently'...

MIL: I'm in the toyshop and I'm not sure about this 'honey my baby pony', I don't think its the right one.
Me: Why?
MIL: Well its not what I expected it to be.
Me: Whats it like?
MIL: Its like a baby pony and its honey coloured. And it says 'honey my baby pony' on the box.
Me: Sounds perfect
MIL: I'm not sure...

If I say I'd like smellies, well thats 'not enough' and I have to choose a shop to receive vouchers from.

So I feel rubbish giving them their presents, as they always suggest vouchers to us. So we have a thoroughly uneven voucher shop when they give us 100s of pounds worth of vouchers and presents, and receive probably a tenth of that from us. It doesn't feel like what Christmas is about.

I might try and suggest they could buy us a family day to a theme park or castle or something this year. Instead of yet more toys.

I can't believe you think men get a bum deal. Men never get a bum deal. They are far too clever.

Personally I would love to opt out of the cooking, the planning, the buying, the wrapping, the card exchange and tree festooning this year. If it means in exchange I get a car boot tidy rather than Jo Malone, I really think I could live with it.

Oh god yes.

Already PILs have offered to buy us something ludicrously expensive that we REALLY don't want. In return they have requested vouchers which will force us to spend more than we intended (you can shop clever for gifts, but vouchers have a number written on them). If we refuse the obscenely expensive unwanted gift we will Cause Offense and they will be Hurt And Dissapointed. But accepting the gift obliges us to be grovellingly grateful for the next million years or we will get snippy email from dh's sister saying we haven'y been grateful enough.

And don't even get me started on the children's presents.

I love giving presents but hate when it becomes an obligation. BIL and SIL are currently not speaking to us because we didn't send a present for their DD's birthday and I really can't be arsed to try and smooth things over.

We tried the no presents for adults, which worked on my side of the family, but got long faces on DH's.

it's sparkly scarves in our family rather than scented candles but the principle is the same.

My MiL has come up with the brilliant idea of giving each of her children plus partner a voucher for a restaurant meal and an evening's babysitting, which as we all have little dcs is the perfect present. Actually just the babysitting would be wonderful on its own, but the meal too is great.

I agree that present giving gets out of hand. Been fighting a losing battle with my MIL since DD was born five year's ago. I just don't want her to be spoiled. Despite my pleas about this, lack of room, etc, she showers her with clothes, gifts. Even with the arrival of three more grandkids, she just gives three times as much to them all now. Last Xmas was disgraceful. When I asked for just one birthday present for DD this weekend as she is having a party with 18 children, all of whom will be bearing gifts, she still refuses to limit herself.
I have also stopped asking what people want, after spending hours hunting down a specific backpack for two-year-old nephew this year - was told by the mum that it "had" to be an iggle piggle one, not the postman pat one I easily found. As if he would have cared!

Bubbleoseven - i love the cineworld voucher with the pop corn pressie, its genius! That has saved me a coulpe hours of my life wondering what to get dps brother and partner. . I'm going to get me inlaws national trust membershipthis year as they have everything they need already. This is great!

Beano subscription being looked into now for a lad

Our budget is even less this year - we're looking to spend max £4 per person!

I think we have to stick to local English produce, maybe some nice teas for uncles/aunts and some santa letters for the kids!

Bollocks to thank you notes, I say, if you're going to get offended if you don't get a thank you note then don't give a gift in the first place. Were making cookies for everyone this year. Cheap but nice and everyone gets to unwrap something.

Bollocks to thank you notes, I say, if you're going to get offended if you don't get a thank you note then don't give a gift in the first place. Were making cookies for everyone this year. Cheap but nice and everyone gets to unwrap something.

I think it's so sad that gift giving has become so stressful. I was brought up not to expect anything and if I did receive a gift, to accept it graciously.
However, as a family we always showered one another with gifts, all relatively inexpensive and all chosen carefully. I think this was because we never had much money so v rarely did we get toys and new clothes except on birthdays and christmas so these times were always exciting. Everything we got was always gratefully received no matter what it was. I think I still have that attitude now. Gifts are not necessary but should someone want to buy me one, anything goes! Smellies, chocs, clothes - lovely!

All my family are like that but I noticed as soon as me and my siblings got married and new extended family began to appear, along came different attitudes and expectations to gift giving and so it has become slightly stressful.

Has anyone else found this? Partners/inlaws having different attitudes and suddenly present buying and Xmas celebrations becomes complicated whereas before it was just a nice fun thing to do.

Thingiebob that's exactly my experience. Somehow the code has got lost and in-laws expectations and rules are subtly different to mine/my family's. eg: in my family it's fine to give joint presents to / from couples, so I give S and BIL a present from myself and DH. My in-laws all give individual presents from / to everyone, meaning 5 additional sets of pressies for me to source, from me, even though DH is also buying his own for the same people. Thinking back, gifts were never this stressful even when I was utterly stoney broke, because we all had the same expectations, and instead they were fun and affectionate.

Gifts in our family has become such a contract that every year (and I have just received this) I get a message asking what presents we want. The contract is that in turn we have to ask the same. This completely spoils the whole point of present giving for me ie. surprise. Do other people find this happens to them and has anyone tackled it?

gogoredpanda
Thanks so much for those website recommendations - exactly what I was looking for.