To feel like I am being asked to choose between my child’s welfare and my relationship with my DH?

[SteelMagnolia]

I started back to work three months ago (DS just turned 1) and thought I had it all figured out! I found a lovely nanny who I could afford?well, basically exchange her salary for mine?but DS loves her and adjusted easily. However, the nanny unexpectedly has to return to her home country in a month. No luck finding another nanny I like that I can afford (her rates are comparatively low). Don?t want to put DS in nursery. It would be tough for my work hours and, after visiting many nurseries, I think not right for him while still so young. I?ve looked for childminders, but so far not finding anyone I like with an opening near me.

My inclination is to quit my job. I worked hard to get where I am in my career, but the reality is I?m not really bringing in any money once the nanny is paid, work clothes bought, etc.! If I quit, we could move close to my husband?s job (he commutes an hour each way) and have more time as a family. I enjoy my career and sometimes think I wouldn?t be a ?natural? SAHM but it feels like the best thing for now. I would miss the buzz and pace of the office but I know I have my whole life to work and DS is only young once.

I?ve started to get excited about the idea of staying home. However, DH isn?t supportive. His mother is something of a corporate warrior (who also managed to raise 5 kids!) If I became a SAHM I think I would become, in his eyes, less of an equal partner and more of a live-in housekeeper. He?s basically said as much. He prefers I keep my job and just put DS in a nursery. He has no qualms about putting DS in nursery as he grew up in nurseries. Whereas to me, just doesn?t feel right at such a young age?perhaps because my mom stayed at home.

Feeling very alone in this? could really use some advice! Anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I missing something obvious? I?m thankful for my many blessings (financial stability, good relationship with a man who likes smart women, beautiful DS) but at the moment feeling scared and stuck.

I explained in my first post.

The OP is not handing over all her income to a nanny - unless she views the child as hers alone, which would be entirely wrong and very strange!!

They both work. They both pay a proportion of their income to the nanny. Now, that may well equate to one income, but why the mum's any more than the dad's? The problem with taking that sort of view, is that the dad could equally well turn round and say 'Hey, you carry on working full time, I'm going to stay home because the nanny is taking up all my income!'

And aside from the current financial situation, there's the whole issue of long term investment. Giving up work reduces pension provision, it affects future employability..... all these are genuine issues which apply equally to the mum and the dad. That's why it would be quite unreasonable for either partner to jack in work as a unilateral decision.

Your DH's thinking is pretty short-term IMO. Believe it or not, childcare is easy for pre-schoolers. Much harder for school-age children. What will happen when your DS goes to school?

thankgod for violethill on this thread.

If the OP stayed at home, the household income would remain the same, the OP may even enjoy being at home with baby, and the baby most certainly would be happy.

You are totally ignoring the factors such as long term finances, employability etc

Also, the child may very well be happy with another nanny (as he was with the first) or with another form of childcare.

At the end of the day, the OP's DH may simply not want the pressure of being sole earner. I wouldn't. Why should the mother's view trump the fathers?

Hear Hear Violethill. Nothing wrong with deciding to be a SAHM, but why only her wages factored into childcare, and why no mention of the longterm impact on her employability/pension etc?

Not quite as simple as it seems on the fact of it.

There is a section in the book 'How Not To F**k Them Up' by Oliver James which deals specifically with what to do when you as a mother want to stay at home and your partner doesn't see the value of it. It would be a very interesting read for you and dp and James is a psychotherapist who writes for several broadsheets including The Times. I got it from our library.

Violethill speaks sense.

"Why would the mother's view trump the father's"

I got the impression that the DH is happy if the OP is. The OP says her DH is concerned that she may struggle as a SAHM and may get anxious and lonely.

Sorry, just catching up. Regarding talking to DH's mum...I have sometimes spoken to her about work/family related issues and those are our easiest bonding moments, since we don't have that much else in common! But definitely do not want to fall into the trap of emulating her, as someone suggested. Nor, for that matter, should I overly worry about making the exact same sacrifices my mum made?that?s her life and different time and circumstances.

All of you who stress this decision should be made jointly are right. Perhaps DH?s strong words on SAHMs were partly coming from being hurt at being left out of the process?I announced I wanted to quit the other night without really talking through with him. Although he is definitely more comfortable with the idea of me working, if in the end my staying home makes the most sense for now, he?ll be a hell of a lot more supportive if he?s been a part of that decision!

Lots of good points on here that I?m taking in. As Violethill suggests, of course our current nanny couldn?t be the only acceptable childcare situation. I?m just freaked out at having to go through the emotional process of finding childcare again, having just done this a few months earlier and having assured myself that this was the ?perfect? situation.

Also really appreciate the point about not considering the childcare costs to be solely mine, even if they do roughly equate to what I make. It?s too stressful thinking that way, and it doesn?t really make sense when resources are pooled together anyway. Plus, who can even do the math on future employability, etc.

Glad you came back to clarify. I can totally understand the panic about childcare when you have things in place and then it seems in danger of disappearing. That happened to us at one point- however - once you're over the initial upset at having to re think it, you'll realise there are other alternatives which are just as good. Who knows, you may find a nanny or other care your ds is even happier with!

Do not read Oliver James. He has an agenda and uses research very selectively, whilst presenting issues as black and white. Keep looking and keep talking, and work out the right solution for your family.

Oh, and totally empathise about the difficulties with finding childcare. It is difficult, and not something you want to compromise on. We had a nanny when our children were little, and I think with the right person is by far the most stress free option. But it is expensive. I thought of it as both a luxury and an investment in the future (both ours and the childrens).

Absolutely agree nooka- Oliver James has no credibility, he doesn't appear to believe that women and men have equal importance as Adults or as parents.

Are you Xenia's DIL?

btw - i used a nursery for dd & it was fab.

we knew she'd be an only child (med reasons) so the social interaction was important to me, particularly as she got closer to school age. i was lucky that the first one i went to was so lovely, and the biggest concern i ever had was that she got nappy rash one time. it also was v practical as more flexible with hours if one of us had to work late, and also they had staff to cover absences if someone was ill, so no days when they couldn't take her.

i have heard some horror stories on here, but i never once witnessed anything to concern me - and i used to sometimes drop in early, unannounced, so there was no 'cover up'. it was a private nursery, and the owner used it for her own kids (even when doing paperwork at home) & knew absolutely every single child in the place. in fact, nursery was my support as well as dd's - when work were being horrible to me, i burst into tears there, and got offered tissues, sympathy & practical advice on how to deal with sexism at work (depressingly, they had a folder of leaflets, cos so many mothers went through this).

the worst thing i ever saw there was a baby crying, and it was quickly explained to me that he had to be gently moved up to 'big room' and kept crying cos he missed his key worker so much, and if he saw her though the doorway, he got upset, so they were doing it gradually.

my advice would be - try to see some toddlers being dropped off/collected. dd went through a phase of clinging to me at about 15 months, but in general, kids arrived skipping, running, excited, and left in a similar way (or tired) and would sometimes even cry & cling to the doors when having to go home (another phase dd went through).

i would also repeat the advice about finding somewhere that both you & dh can get to - otherwise it becomes completely your responsibility to sort it out if there's a problem, which raises both practical & emotional issues (e.g. you have a BIG meeting at the same time as your child falls over - if dh can't get there, you have to. how long before that causes some arguments?)

just like there are 'good' parents and 'bad', you will find the same for nursery, childminders, and nannies.