To feel like I am being asked to choose between my child’s welfare and my relationship with my DH?

[SteelMagnolia]

I started back to work three months ago (DS just turned 1) and thought I had it all figured out! I found a lovely nanny who I could afford?well, basically exchange her salary for mine?but DS loves her and adjusted easily. However, the nanny unexpectedly has to return to her home country in a month. No luck finding another nanny I like that I can afford (her rates are comparatively low). Don?t want to put DS in nursery. It would be tough for my work hours and, after visiting many nurseries, I think not right for him while still so young. I?ve looked for childminders, but so far not finding anyone I like with an opening near me.

My inclination is to quit my job. I worked hard to get where I am in my career, but the reality is I?m not really bringing in any money once the nanny is paid, work clothes bought, etc.! If I quit, we could move close to my husband?s job (he commutes an hour each way) and have more time as a family. I enjoy my career and sometimes think I wouldn?t be a ?natural? SAHM but it feels like the best thing for now. I would miss the buzz and pace of the office but I know I have my whole life to work and DS is only young once.

I?ve started to get excited about the idea of staying home. However, DH isn?t supportive. His mother is something of a corporate warrior (who also managed to raise 5 kids!) If I became a SAHM I think I would become, in his eyes, less of an equal partner and more of a live-in housekeeper. He?s basically said as much. He prefers I keep my job and just put DS in a nursery. He has no qualms about putting DS in nursery as he grew up in nurseries. Whereas to me, just doesn?t feel right at such a young age?perhaps because my mom stayed at home.

Feeling very alone in this? could really use some advice! Anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I missing something obvious? I?m thankful for my many blessings (financial stability, good relationship with a man who likes smart women, beautiful DS) but at the moment feeling scared and stuck.

Could you put some of the burden on him? for example, say you think the day in nursery is too long, so in order to minimise it for the first 2 years, you want to go into the office early and clear a lot of work, so he will have to do drop off and you can do pick up.

Or could he also go down to 4 days a week so that your DS is only in nursery 3 days a week?

It annoys me that it's seen as just a woman's problem (the work/childcare balance). My DH will be doing pick up from nursery and putting DS to bed 3 nights a week - upsetting for me that I won't be there to do it, but it means I can have 2 days a week + weekend at home.

Why did you marry a man who thinks so little of the most important job of bringing up your own child?

I think that you need a serious talk with him. There isn't a more important job than bringing up your DC. Does he only love you and DC if you come up to certain expectations? It would worry me to be married to a man who sees status through work and that you would somehow be a different person without paid employment.

You had decided to return to work, as you enjoyed work, has worked hard to get to where you are now in your career, but this has now changed due to the nanny you liked leaving the country.

I think you need to work out what is the most important issue for you:

1. Childcare
2. Becoming a sahm

Long term you have to think, are you planning another baby? Your dc will start school when she is 4. What will you do then?

Right now, your salary will be swallowed by childcare, but 4 years from now you have no childcare to think of, other than maybe an after school nanny or childminder. And you have had 4 years of progressing your career.

Can your family afford for you to stay home?

Realistically, it might be very hard to return to the same career, and you might find returning to study to retrain very hard after a few years as a sahm.

I am not against the decision to stay at home per se, but you have somewhat surprisingly changed the goalposts in your family, and at the same time are putting pressure on your dh to be sole breadwinner.

How would you like if your dh turned around and said "Honey, I totally agree that one of us should stay home with dd rather than childcare, actually, I will resign to stay home and be a sahd, while you work to support us".

It sounds as though you, who have had a SAHM mum, are warm and empathetic and really care about your child's wellbeing, whereas your DH with his nusery experiences is a bit of a self centered bully.
Which do you want your child to be?

spiderpig, I think you are guilty of both generalizing and making wild jumps with your conclusions.

Looks to me like your husband has picked up some flees from his self-centred mother - his value system is all to cock.

All is not lost though if you're prepared to take him on and do some plain speaking.

It's not self-centred for a woman to want a career and motherhood .

I agree, Quint. Very sensible posts from you on this thread.:)

Dont worry op, it seems to be man hating week on mumsnet this week.

His mum sounds fantastic and inspiring. Raising 5 kids and having a career too. Your dh doesnt seem to think he was damaged in anyway.

It certainly does, Quint.

Men are just there for the purposes of sperm-donation and their wallets.

Thanks so much for all the responses. Lots of good advice and food for thought. Woke up feeling much more calm and thinking there are three directions we should explore.

1. Keep using a nanny since that works well for us, but reduce expenses to fund this choice. Easiest way to reduce expenses would be to move to a less expensive neighborhood. We?re renting so not a big deal to move. (FYI, having a nanny definitely not a status thing for us, just enjoy the flexibility it gives me and the extra hands around the house?plus the home environment for DS.)
2. Stay in our current flat and find a childminder nearby. Would have to be someone flexible as I sometimes have to stay late. (Can?t rely much on DH for pick ups as we?ve chosen to live close to my office and he?s got a long commute.)
3. I quit my job and we move near his work. Some lovely, more reasonably priced neighborhoods near his office and we could possibly put more money in savings, even with me staying at home! I think the key would be that I would have to manage my own career anxiety and respect myself for making that choice. I do believe you teach others how to treat you, and if I stay positive and command respect during my years as a SAHM, my DH would follow suit, if that makes sense.

By the way, I also talked through these options with DH. He feels like it?s a bit nuts to go for option 1 and pay so much for childcare (especially as he feels he had positive experiences at nursery growing up). But he?s willing to look at flats in other areas to explore this.

He prefers option 2 if I can find a childminder I?m happy with. This option disrupts our life the least, though my mornings would get more hectic getting DS out the door with lunch packed, etc, but of course many working mums do this with multiple children and manage fine!

We started talking through option 3 but it warrants much more discussion. We would both have to be really honest about our expectations to avoid resentments (if that?s possible). He?s hands-on with DS but it?s a rare man who really understands all it takes to keep children (we could go for more) and keep a house in order! It?s so hard to know how this would all play out. Maybe he only can relate to the idea of my working because that?s all he?s known given his upbringing?can?t really blame a person for that. I know he WOULD enjoy a short commute, dinner on the table, etc?who wouldn?t!?

As many have pointed out, I?ve got a lot of thinking to do (fast!) about what I want. DH loves me and will support me in the end, no matter what I choose. I know I?m not alone in loving to work but also feeling unexpectedly torn between work and home.

Oh, and re his mum: She started out having to work because she was newly divorced with two little boys to support. She managed to build a really lucrative career, plus get remarried to a darling man, have two more boys, AND adopt a little girl from Russia who is now 16. I admire her even though she and I very different personalities. I'm artistic and sensitive, and she's a really tough character. As we're so different, I try not to compare myself and our situations. Hoping DH can do the same.

Oh god, just do it. You want to stay at home with your child- why on earth not?

Your DH is not recognising bringing a child up as work- which is odd, since you were paying a nanny to do it. Would he consider her 'not working'?

I think you want to do it; do it.

Have you considered a nanny-share? Not that I know anything about this personally because both my boys went to nursery from babies......

Also have you considered giving up your job and moving nearer your husbands AND then finding a job near there - maybe in a completely unrelated field to what you are doing now?

For what it is worth - I work two days per week out of necessity and my boys went to the work place nursery - which meant I was always close by. I didn't even consider a child-minder as i have experienced bad ones and that did cloud my judgement. Our nursery opens at 7am and closes at 6.30pm - so long hours.

If I didn't have to work I wouldn't but I would still send my children to there as they love it so much.

Big decsions...

OP forgive me if I've missed this - you seem to say that you are paying for childcare/nanny

Why is DH not paying as well?

Unfair

I'm freelance and my work has basically ground to a halt lately and when dh is away I turn down lots of work.

I do find that the house runs really smoothly when I am allowed to be a SAHM. I know what all the kids need, they get better, healthy packed lunches, better food, more attention, the house is tidier, I'm calmer, they're calmer ..... It's fab.

DH worries about being the only bread winner and I am having to convince him of my worth at home. He doesn't quite get it yet, but we're getting there.

Once the kids are older and less work (in a year or so) I will want to go back to work. I slightly worry about this as it may mean re-training and I'm not getting any younger, but at the moment I feel very happy and fulfilled making my home as nice, smooth and stable as I possibly can and being there for my children all the time.

To some this sounds sad and loser-ish - but I swear I am very happy and fulfilled doing it.

Feminists sometimes forget that we women fought for the choice and not just for equal rights and money in the workplace (which actually IME we don't get anyway!!)

Anyone who thinks WOH is the point of feminism isn't really a feminist.

I think a decision for one partner to give up work has to be a mutual decision.

How would you feel if your other half stated his intention to give up and for you to be the sole earner?

It's a big responsibility.

Some folk don't worry. My DH couldn't give a tinker's cuss what I do work-wise as long as we can make it work as a family.
When I told him I was considering giving up my previous career to write, he bought me a laptop.

However, if he had shown any anxiety about it, I would never have taken a unilateral decision. We are team.

"My inclination is to quit my job."

Do it. Those are your gut primal maternal instincts. They come first. Your husband will hopefully follow your lead when he starts to get it.

well i think this problem is perhaps a wider symptom of an attitudinal and communication issue.

Quite frankly, what is his response when you tell him that you are not financially better off.

what is his argument for wanting you to work?

i think this may answer a lot of things

To be honest, I am torn, thinking it indulgent to opt to stay at home, in this economic climate.

How will you get a mortgage on only one salary?
Now is the best time to buy, with house prices low.

Luckily we bought our house prior to having children, so were given a mortgage based on two salaries. We would not been able to buy a house with only one salary to fund the mortgage. And renting? We found that we paid less per month with a mortgage than when renting, so it made economic sense.

Steel, if YOU want to go to work and you prefer nanny v nursery then perhaps look for nanny share or nanny with her own child? You can save some money this way.

But i would not be happy at all if my dh had these opinions.