To feel like I am being asked to choose between my child’s welfare and my relationship with my DH?

[SteelMagnolia]

I started back to work three months ago (DS just turned 1) and thought I had it all figured out! I found a lovely nanny who I could afford?well, basically exchange her salary for mine?but DS loves her and adjusted easily. However, the nanny unexpectedly has to return to her home country in a month. No luck finding another nanny I like that I can afford (her rates are comparatively low). Don?t want to put DS in nursery. It would be tough for my work hours and, after visiting many nurseries, I think not right for him while still so young. I?ve looked for childminders, but so far not finding anyone I like with an opening near me.

My inclination is to quit my job. I worked hard to get where I am in my career, but the reality is I?m not really bringing in any money once the nanny is paid, work clothes bought, etc.! If I quit, we could move close to my husband?s job (he commutes an hour each way) and have more time as a family. I enjoy my career and sometimes think I wouldn?t be a ?natural? SAHM but it feels like the best thing for now. I would miss the buzz and pace of the office but I know I have my whole life to work and DS is only young once.

I?ve started to get excited about the idea of staying home. However, DH isn?t supportive. His mother is something of a corporate warrior (who also managed to raise 5 kids!) If I became a SAHM I think I would become, in his eyes, less of an equal partner and more of a live-in housekeeper. He?s basically said as much. He prefers I keep my job and just put DS in a nursery. He has no qualms about putting DS in nursery as he grew up in nurseries. Whereas to me, just doesn?t feel right at such a young age?perhaps because my mom stayed at home.

Feeling very alone in this? could really use some advice! Anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I missing something obvious? I?m thankful for my many blessings (financial stability, good relationship with a man who likes smart women, beautiful DS) but at the moment feeling scared and stuck.

IAP--Nanny share would be absolutely ideal but I think you need a close relationship with the other family given all the negotiations re holiday, etc. We're not from the UK so we don't have a big local network of friends with kids, and am wary of hooking up with another family via internet site etc for a nanny share. Though would love to hear from anyone who did this!

BoysAreLikeDogs--we completely merge our finances and therefore pay childcare out of that one pot. It's just that DH's career is by far the more lucrative one, so by default, I tend to make that factor the given, and then compare my additional income against childcare expenses. It's not a gender roles thing so much as just what seems practical. (My husband says he'd love it if I made more than him, and I believe him! But I'm in a creative career and that's unlikely to ever be the case.)

If the dh wants you to work, when there are no financial benefits, just because it makes him feel better. That's just illogical. And what about the baby's needs?

Custardo--DH wants me to work because he wants me to have a career for myself, for now and for later once the kids have moved on. He worries that I wouldn't do well as a SAHM...too lonely, too anxious. Although he's not said this, I believe he'd prefer that I have work-related things to talk about at the end of the day than just what music class we went to, etc. (Based on my experience of mat leave.) I'm know this is all mixed up in what MY self image and how I imagine myself contributing to the family. In fact, DH probably cares far less than I imagine about any of this...just wants me to be happy and confident. But I'm conflicted, obviously, and I think I put a lot of it on him, if I'm being honest.

He wants me to work, AND he thinks the baby's fine if I do. He believes that because it was his experience growing up, so I think it's a valid perspective! It's just not exactly my perspective.

I am torn because I loved my own mum being at home but I also wished she'd been able to have more of a career once we grew up and moved away. I think lots of women of our generation feel this way when looking at our own mothers...

I think putting your wishes first and making DH the breadwinner is wrong unless he is 100% behind it. Why should you not get to work whilst he shoulders all the financial burden? Would you let him quit to be a SAHD and you continue to work - I somehow doubt it.

SteelMagnolia - stopping work and adjusting to a SAHM isn't easy. There are lonely and anxious moments. Maybe you're having a crisis of confidence as much as anything.

IAP, sorry havn't seen your post re nannyshare and i posted the same. I 've only noticed after OP's strange reply.

I do know several men who have said that since their wives have become SAHMs, they don't have anything interesting to talk about. To some men, what you got up to with a toddler all day is not interesting. Since you are married to him and can't change his mind, it's as well to be pragmatic and consider how your relationship may deteriorate if you choose to be a SAHM.

if you attempt getting another nanny or cm, or nursery, then it doesn't work out, you could move on to option 3, but if you go straight for option 3, you are pretty much making that long-term.

it is MUCH harder to find a job than to quite it.

also, as someone who gave up their job to follow dh's career, we are experiencing all the problems that you foresee - i hated my last job, but find being a sahm hard to handle at times, and it is quite scary just relying on one salary, we have no back-up plan if dh loses his job. he has got used to the 'full maid service' at home, and i worry how we'll re-adjust once i do get a job (have recently got a green card in the US, so just started looking).

if you move to be a sahm, you'll be very isolated, and it's almost impossible to know before moving into an area whether you'll 'fit' with the local parent & baby groups etc.

i realise you don't have much time before you need to find new childcare, but keep looking & ask dh to look as well. is there anywhere near your home? that was the best solution for us, cos then if I was ill, dh didn't have to go out of his way to pickup/drop dd, and dd also got to know other local children who became her friends.

if there's a gap between the current nanny leaving, and a new arrangement, could you and/or dh use some holiday to stay home & bridge the gap, or are there any family who could come & stay for a week to help give you a little longer to get the right answer? perhaps if dh spent a week at home, he might change some of his ideas.

and i know what you say about the cost of childcare using up one salary, but if you don't work you also don't get pension etc. i am thinking that every year i spend as a sahm, is 2 years of working later in life to provide a pension.

Kickassangel, thanks for your post. Really appreciate hearing what it has been like for you after becoming a SAHM. Makes me feel not like I'm being negative for having those concerns. Also really taking to heart what you say about trying other options first before going to option 3 and quitting. If in the end, that's what's truly best, then fine, but I'll know I tried other options first. Think I may take a day or two off and check out more local childcare options.

Through trial and error I have come to the conclusion that you can't have it all. I really believed you could when I started out as a parent, and juggled a full-time job. One parent ideally needs to have a clear head and their mind on what's going on with their kids.

Making the adgustment to be at home is hard - it's a challenge, but rising to it, rather than throwing in the towel, is worth it.

Why don't you move so that DH doesn't have so far to commute, and you get a job local to there too - then NEITHER of you has sole responsibility for pick-up and drop-off.

I know I've simplified this a little, but have you at least looked into that?!?!

Who knows, Meow, perhaps it would be possible to get a job in my field closer to where he works. At the moment feel I should stay put as I've already "earned my stripes" at current company, and because I've been able to negotiate a 4 day week which might be tough elsewhere as a new starter. But at least we could look at neighborhoods in between our offices, and then perhaps split drop-offs/pick-ups more evenly. That really does appeal.

How well do you get on with his mum? Could you have a chat with her about the pros and cons of her choices and ask her advice, ask her what qualities she thinks you would need to do as well as she obviously did and so on. Is she reasonable enough to see that her choices wouldn't necessarily work so well for you (and then to have a chat about that with your dh on your behalf)?

If she's approachable, fair minded and realistic about her own choices and what they cost her, you may find she's a massive ally.

Oooh, Jux, that's a good idea. SM, you might want to have that conversation without your OH around, before he then hears her views on it.

I am truly shocked by some of the replies telling you to just do it.

Can you imagine the uproar if someones dh just resigned and decided to be a sahd despite the wife disagreeing.

ENormaSnob

"Shocked" you say?

Yes I am.

How can such a decision be made by one partner when it significantly affects the other so much.

I agree with ENormaSnob

The one thing you shouldn't do is make such a big JOINT decision, about your finances, work life and how you bring up your child, unilaterally.

There is no right or wrong here. Your DH believes that a good nursery would be fine for your child (indeed, he went to nursery himself as a child and has presumably turned out fine enough for you to marry him?!). You don't want to send your child to nursery. Two different beliefs, but neither is right or wrong.

I think you've got to keep talking, keep looking at various childcare options, and then come to a compromise - because there WILL be one, whether it's one of you working part time, sharing a nanny, whatever. I can't believe that you managed to find one nanny who was absolutely fine, and now she's gone, no one else will do. Unless there's more to your post than meets the eye, and you were paying ridiculously cheap wages to her, and you just resent paying the going rate?

It wouldn't be reasonable to force your DH into a position of being sole earner - that's a hell of a pressure. Neither should you see it as just your income covering the childcare costs - it's a joint expenditure, and it's actually unfair on your DH to describe it as taking all your income, because it kind of forces his hand into feeling he has to earn to pay all the bills, whereas for you it's an optional thing because you don't make much net gain.

I am sure if you keep looking and networking, or consider changing your work hours or changing jobs, there is a way that you can both contribute to the financial pot

Ready for flaming now. But do you want another baby? If so, why not compromise with the nursery, get pregnant pretty quickly, maximise maternity pay, etc., and then when DH adds up the cost of two children at nursery he is very likely to be rather more pragmatic about childcare. All good only if you really love DH of course and are sure this relationship is for keeps.

In the meantime, you are not his mother and should not try to emulate her. If you do things about which you are uhappy a little voice will soon appear.

I went back to work p'time with DS (long long time ago now) for a year and then became a SAHM from when he was 16 months because of childcare and his health issues. Little sister came along a couple of years later and I went back to p/time work when she settled at school. Being a SAHM was great (always read a paper every day to keep up a bit) and I wouldn't have done anything differently. DC 15 and 11 now and have been back full time for nearly five years.

ENormaSnob.

I don't understand your logic?

How does it significantly affect the other partner so much?

'How does it significantly affect the other partner so much?'

I'm sure ENormaSnob will answer for herself, but I would have thought it was obvious!!

Two adults, a man and a woman, both in work, have a child. They need to continue to support themselves as a family unit. They are both equal parents, they are both equally capable of earning a living. Whether the two of them continue working full time, or one works part time, or both work part time, or one gives up totally are BIG decisions, about how the family is going to operate, how responsibilities will be carved up. Apart from anything else, each parent has equally valid views on child rearing. The OP's DH genuinely thinks his child would benefit from attending nursery. That view is just as valid as his wife's view that going to nursery will be detrimental.

It means the other partner is sole provider which is a huge issue IMO and not one I would want to be forced into.

I presume it would also change the other partners view of you. E.g It would definately change my relationship with dh should he decide to be a sahd. It just isn't what I want in a partner.

Violethill

Where is the logic in going to work and handing over every penny to a nanny?

Because the nanny is in the short term.

It won't always cost so much as the child gets older.

Long term they will he financially better off.