To feel like I am being asked to choose between my child’s welfare and my relationship with my DH?

[SteelMagnolia]

I started back to work three months ago (DS just turned 1) and thought I had it all figured out! I found a lovely nanny who I could afford?well, basically exchange her salary for mine?but DS loves her and adjusted easily. However, the nanny unexpectedly has to return to her home country in a month. No luck finding another nanny I like that I can afford (her rates are comparatively low). Don?t want to put DS in nursery. It would be tough for my work hours and, after visiting many nurseries, I think not right for him while still so young. I?ve looked for childminders, but so far not finding anyone I like with an opening near me.

My inclination is to quit my job. I worked hard to get where I am in my career, but the reality is I?m not really bringing in any money once the nanny is paid, work clothes bought, etc.! If I quit, we could move close to my husband?s job (he commutes an hour each way) and have more time as a family. I enjoy my career and sometimes think I wouldn?t be a ?natural? SAHM but it feels like the best thing for now. I would miss the buzz and pace of the office but I know I have my whole life to work and DS is only young once.

I?ve started to get excited about the idea of staying home. However, DH isn?t supportive. His mother is something of a corporate warrior (who also managed to raise 5 kids!) If I became a SAHM I think I would become, in his eyes, less of an equal partner and more of a live-in housekeeper. He?s basically said as much. He prefers I keep my job and just put DS in a nursery. He has no qualms about putting DS in nursery as he grew up in nurseries. Whereas to me, just doesn?t feel right at such a young age?perhaps because my mom stayed at home.

Feeling very alone in this? could really use some advice! Anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I missing something obvious? I?m thankful for my many blessings (financial stability, good relationship with a man who likes smart women, beautiful DS) but at the moment feeling scared and stuck.

is there any middle ground - like working part time or negotiating some work at home days?

i do think it's sad that your dh isn't supportive of you doing this and is implying you will be a lesser person and not equal to him if you look after your child at home for a while.

i think you need to talk to him more about this.

I actually only work four days per week now. Even so, my job is often fairly intense and I'm having trouble leaving on time and staying off my blackberry on my (unpaid) day off. That's part of why the flexibility of a nanny works so well for me, though obviously a bit indulgent given my salary.

I know I can talk to DH but I feel like I'm always going to be up against his example of his tough-as-nails mother, which seems unfair, but we all compare others against our childhood examples, don't we?

Has he visited nurseries with you?
Maybe his idea of what they are like is different to the ones you've seen.

BTW - does your company offer career breaks? That way you could stay at home for an extra year without giving up on your career.
This would buy you time to look for child care you're happy with and you might feel better about your LO going to nursery when he's a year older.

I'm currently on Maternity Leave and my OH and I have had some pretty heated discusions about what we'll do already, so I feel your frustration.

Originally we were planning on a nice nursery near my office. I went first, thought it seemed nice, brought DH back with the intention to spend a few hours and observe (nursery manager was fine with this). But within 20 minutes DH was ready to go! He did a his checklist--clean facility, happy kids, professional staff, etc. But I still wasn't satisfied, so went back a third time and did stay for two hours. Carers were lovely but they were just stretched too thin. 3 to 1 ratio was actually more like 4 or 5 to one, with carers being out changing nappies. I saw one baby sit for ages without being held, one baby just crawl around crying. Killed me. But even if DH had observed this, not sure he'd react as I did (being a mother and a much more sensitive person in general) IYSWIM.

Sorry, to be clear, I went back alone the third time.

Reasonably from the nursery point of view I can say that keep looking you will find one that has the right feel for you,staffed by qualified and intelligent nursery nurses who are 'professionals' in their own field.

Children can and do benefit from a nursery,although it has to be a family decision- sometimes people think that by choosing nursery care they are 'opting out' of motherhood and thats a big deal for anyone.

Love isnt measured by hours spent with a child its a quality rather than a quantity.

But the thing is that youve tried other avenues and it hasnt worked for you for your family.

Dhs can be notoriously blinkered by the return to work argument and its fair I think to present a factual argument and in a way arrange a meeting to discuss this,its now a coco pops conversation.

Is there any chance of a career break for you?

A job in another field? many highly qualified Mums find themselves working in supermarkets and things to provide whilst being a sahm.

Possible retraining? a course?

its not a you against your dh argument,its about a presentation of a belief,in this case your family will benefit from you staying at home,it neednt be a always and forever thing.

Another direction you could take is to try and lower any debts etc and move to a smaller house and try and reasonably cut down your hours?

Its a huge commitment and i think a scarey thing in todays climate.

not a coco pops convo it should read

That's a lovely response Dracschick. I think a very true view of childcare...each nursery, childminder, and nanny being different. It's about finding the right match for each family. Perhaps with more effort I'll find a situation as good as the one I have now with the nanny. I worry about DS starting over again with a new childcare situation, but reality is he's an easygoing baby and would probably do just fine.

I think it would be difficult to get back into my exact type of job after a career break. Too competitive...(perhaps I'm wrong...hope I'm wrong!) Still, I have a graduate degree so could teach in my field, which appeals. When I am in a positive mindset, many things seem possible and appealing! When feeling negative, everything seems a dead end.

Still feeling like a very new mum although DS is already a year. Work/life balance is no joke. But all apparently so simple to DH!

I think that you need to resolve with your DH the fact that he would think less of you if you were a SAHM. If all your wages are swallowed up by childcare and you want to stay at home with your baby, then I think it is very U of your DH to put pressure on you to go out to work. I could understand if your income was necessary and he was worried about being the sole wage earner, but seeing as you are not gaining at all financially, it makes sense to me that you would want to stay home for a while.

I am a SAHM and there is no way I'd let my DH get away with treating me as somehow 'less' than an equal partner, because I have chosen to stay at home with my children.He is equating value with earning money and that is not all that people are about.

Your MIL presumably made a choice to have a high powered career and would probably be horrified that your right to choose as an equal partner isn't being respected by her son. Your choices are as valid as your husbands and he shouldn't be making this decision for you, which he is at the moment. I think you really do need to get to the bottom of this with him.

oh OP i know exactly what you mean about him ticking his checklist. my ex was exavtly the same. he couldn't understand at all why i would want to spend my days with our children. as far as he was concerned tehre was no difference in sending them to a nursery than being at home with them. his only item on his ticklist was the cost he never would have bothered visiting a nursery with me. i don't have any resoloution for you. i just wantyed to say i know how you feel.

I think all you can do is keep looking for better childminder/nursery or a nanny that costs the same or cheaper. There was a thread on relationships called 'When a man tells you what he's like, listen'. Your DH has told you that he will respect you less if you give up work, so it's probably what will happen if you do. I don't think you can change that in him.

Even if you are only breaking even with childcare costs now, in a few years your take-home salary will shoot up, and that will not happen if you give up now.

I do know where you're coming from re nurseries, would prefer childminder/nanny for my own.

i want to fight the corner for nurseries. dd 14 months has been going to one since September and it has been the best thing for her. she loves it and gets all excited when i take her out of the car. the staff are lovely and do so much with her. she is exhausted by the end of the day and goes to bed at quarter to seven when she is in. unless you have weird work hours i would look more into nurseries.

with regards dh i think he is being a bit of a prick. women should be able to choose if they want to go and work or be at SAHM. being a sahm is a full time job. let him do it for a day and see how difficult it is. did he particularly want to marry his mother? although dd is in a nursery full time its because im a full time student so if she is ill its not the end of the world for me to pick her up and take her home. i do all my work a week ahead so that i can take a full week off if needs be. when they're sick their mummy is the best.

talk to dh and tell him its what you really want to do. talk him through the benefits. and if he is a dickhead about it get back on aibu? and seek further advice.

Yes, some good advice on this thread.

Only one thing to add - your partner has been very honest: he would see you as 'less of an equal partner and more of a live-in housekeeper'. That rang alarm bells for me, because whether or not he's being unreasonable, you would have to address that ...

And another thing - his mother. Really feel for you there. But try not to be drawn into comparing yourself with her.

OOps cross posted with the last two ...

Lots of good advice here. if you're looking for a more personal touch, I would go for a childminder (I have no experience of nannies).

Agree with grannieonabike, your DH's honesty is, ahem, refreshing, but needs some attention. Charitably, he does not have a full understanding of what it takes to be a SAHM.
On the other hand (inserts fangs), he needs a gigantic slap. This kind of attitude will surface later in other aspects of the relationship; I'll lay odds on it.

I don't think you are going to be able to change your dh's view on SAHM. I completely disagree with him, but it is the sort of ingrained belief/value that would be very hard to change. It is also very widespread and in a way it is good that your dh is letting you know exactly where he stands. Many people (in fact, society generally) probably think this but wouldn't say it. You might be able to get him to change what he says (if you have abig fight about it) but you probably won't be able to change what he actually believes.

So, I think you are going to have to decide whether you can live with him thinking less of you (however unfairly) for a few years or whether you would rather put your child in care. You might just have to keep looking for a nanny. Either way, its probably only a temporary situation. You will probably be much happier putting your dc in nursery when your ds is around 3.

I think that you should stop thinking about childcare costs as being yours. They are a family cost, and it is what you as a family can afford that matters. So if a nanny works best for you, and you can afford it between the two of you, then find a new nanny. It will be for a relatively short amount of time, and in the long term probably financially worth while (given that the potential cost is your existing career).

Personally I think it is perfectly valid to be concerned about how changes in family circumstances can affect the dynamics of your relationship, and one consequence of being a SAHP is that you can become the person at home who does everything, and that can make things unequal. If equality is really important to your dh then I can see why he might be concerned.

I worked through a period where nursery costs were costing almost as much as I was bringing home (we paid for it jointly though - as DH put it, we both needed someone to be looking after DS so we could work, not just me) but this was in the full knowledge that 2 years after we started this, my salary would double (and it did). It was therefore "worth" it. After some problems developed with the nursery we found a wonderful CM who costs just over half what nursery did and he is so much happier.

My CM is very very flexible and I would recommend you keep searching for one. Without wishing to be rude - is the preference for a nanny a status thing for your DH and you as well?

I agree with what nooka says about family dynamics - I also think particularly in the current economic climate being the sole wage earner is a huge stress and burden and I wouldn't want to do it to my husband. If my husband's work dried up he could stay at home with DS whilst looking for work and vice versa.

I can understand why you would want to stay at work if your a very career driven person. But I'm not, so I think if your not making any money from working then you should be a SAHM for the first couple of years. Or at least cut down your hours and work less. Your ds being in nursery for 2 days may not seem so bad if you find the right nursery.

Your dh implying that you'll be like a housekeeper is shocking. If you decided to take another year off, could you live with him being so negative or could you just tell him to deal with it, it's his problem and you know whats best for your child?

my concern is that if this is really what you want, to stay home with your baby right now, and you don't do it because of your husbands attitude then you may really regret it and come to resent him.

what about how you feel? what you respect? are you feeling full of respect for your husband now that he is standing in the way of you doing this and expressing these attitudes? your feelings about the situation and towards him matter too.

it can't just be about doing what will please him at the best of times let alone with a child in the picture.

There is no question of you ding what your husband wants when it will afford the family nothing positive....what will HE gai from you returning to work mierable because you are woried about DS?

No. Say no....if he admires ballsy women he can just as well admire you for saying no to ths.

I would never dictate to my husband what he did for a living...ad he would not do that to me either.

I once gave my ex H a breakdown of how we would be financialy if I gave up work for a while after having DD2. He actually said "I am not giving up my overseas holiday so you can stay at home with the kids".

Notice - he is now my ex!

I work part-time (2 10 hour shifts, so half-time in fact). I found a childminder prepared to do long days.

You say you haven't found a childminder whom you like yet - but of course, chances are if you carried on looking, you would. I chose a childminder over nursery for one-on-one care (and it actually is one-on-one for me, my CM has other children in the week, but my DD gets her to herself.

Your salary may be taken up with nanny fees, but if you found a CM you would have money over. Don't forget, also, that you will take a career hit if you leave the workplace altogether. And your pension will also take a hit, and in these times that's a serious consideration.

I'm not ignoring what you're saying about wanting to be home with your DS. Your husband is being a bit of an idiot. But you say you've always been career-focussed, and I strongly suspect this aspect of your personality hasn't completely died off. Finding childcare is hugely stressful. How did you feel when you had it sorted with the old nanny? Were you happy? If so, once you've found an answer you may be again.

Whoops - should have added - he is not my ex due to the SAHM thing. He had an affair as "we had gone different ways. Me being all for the children and him not!"

I have always worked and will probably still have to. Now had two more DCs and am a childminder.

OP - keep looking, childminders are ace!

You do the right thing - and don't care what anybody else thinks. You have a baby - what's best for your baby?

Then, your husband's attitude needs challenging pretty sharpish.He needd to get very real.

Understand what his mother is about - I suspect she's narcissistic. You and him need to rewrite your own value system as far as parenting is concerned.