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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask him not to bring random women home

96 replies

lokaku · 30/10/2010 09:12

I'm currently living with my brother (due to an abusive ex). He went out last night with his friends and he clearly 'pulled' and he brought her back with him. DD just wandered into the kitchen to find said girl making herself breakfast apparently with dbs permission (he's still in bed).
This scared her and she's been through a lot in the last month and having "strange women" in the house will not help this.
I know its his house and we are staying here rent free and he has been a saviour in what he has done. AIBU to ask him not to bring women back.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 30/10/2010 09:13

um yes, i think you are being unreasonable actually.
you could have just said that it's a friend of DB who is staying the night.
don't see the problem

deaconblue · 30/10/2010 09:15

I'm afraid you are being a bit U. Obviously you and your dd have been through an awful time but it is his home and he is being wonderfully generous to offer to share it with you. Also if you plan to stay for a while it is unreasonable to expect him not to have girlfriends the whole time you are there. I would say a little chat about how scared your dd was would be enough and then he can make up his own mind about what to do in future.

SocialButterfly · 30/10/2010 09:15

I can see your problem but it is his house and he is entitled to bring home who he likes, I think however it would be reasonable to ask him to be a bit more dicrete while you are staying as it is upsetting DD and she is a bit vunerable at the moment.

EmpressOfTheUniverseReality · 30/10/2010 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onimolap · 30/10/2010 09:17

Yes, I think YABU: it is his house and completely up to him who he invites.

How old is DD? Can the situation be presented to her as simply her uncle having a friend to sleep over?

Original poster
lokaku · 30/10/2010 09:17

DD is 5

OP posts:
thighsmadeofcheddar · 30/10/2010 09:23

Sorry YABU. His house. He can really do what he likes.

huddspur · 30/10/2010 09:25

YABU but I understand your concerns. Its your DBs house and so he can have who wants staying over but I agree it isn't great that your dd who has probably been through a lot has to come into the kitchen to find a person she's never met helping herself to breakfast.

ENormaSnob · 30/10/2010 09:26

Yabvu

it's his house and he's doing you a favour.

ForMashGetSmash · 30/10/2010 09:27

At 5 DD should really not be getting up alone anyway should she?

WallowsInFlies · 30/10/2010 09:27

U. definitely. sorry.

loubielou31 · 30/10/2010 09:28

Would it have been a problem (assuming that he is straight) if it had been a man in the kitchen making breakfast who really had just slept over? Surely to a five y/o this is the same.

I suppose what I'm asking is, is this really dds problem with "strange women" in the house, or yours?

loubielou31 · 30/10/2010 09:30

ForMashGetSmash Of course a 5 y/o gets up on their own, that's a very stupid question!

Original poster
lokaku · 30/10/2010 09:30

It would be exactly the same if not a little bit worse if it'd had been a man.

OP posts:
WallowsInFlies · 30/10/2010 09:36

well then you can't really ask him never to have guests whilst you're staying in his home. so your work is with dd not him. talking to her and reassuring her.

tell her this is uncles house and sometimes he has friends over and not to worry.

i think for her to be really scared means there's help you need to be giving her to be 'ok'. sorry you've been through a tough time, good luck reassuring her she's safe.

Original poster
lokaku · 30/10/2010 09:38

I think the problem is that I had no idea who this person was, if it had been one of his mates I'd have known him as I've met most if not all of them. It was the fact that I couldn't tell her who she was because I didn't know as he must have picked her up in a bar or club last night.

OP posts:
saffy85 · 30/10/2010 09:41

OMG she was making herself breakfast? How damaging for a child to witness that? Hmm

YABU. However if your DD walked in on them shagging on the kitchen table I would understand your distress.

I bet your DD isn't that upset. But you are, and are projecting your feelings onto her.

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 30/10/2010 09:42

If your brother is inclined to pick up women in bars and bring them back, then I think you need to get your DD to wake you up and you go and get your breakfast together.

You may not know this woman from adam but your DD doesn't need to know that - smile and be friendly and your DD will be reassured.

YABU to ask him not to bring women back

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/10/2010 09:42

He's doing you a favour.

A huge one. He's a really good brother.

It is unreasonable of you to ask or expect him to put his life on hold for you as part of this favour.

Find a way to explain to your daughter that she doesn't know all of her uncles friends and sometimes someone she hasn't met yet will sleep over.

And be aware that when he's gone out for the night, there may be a guest. You can keep an eye on your daughter with that in mind, if you think she'll continue to be scared.

kikoline · 30/10/2010 09:43

YANBU I think people are missing that the OP and her DD have just come through a period of abuse and that this sort of thing may be unsettling to a 5yo girl. I would have a word with your db, you must get on reasonably well as he took you in and ask him not to do this again.

EricNorthmansMistress · 30/10/2010 09:44

YABU
just tell her it's uncle X's friend. No need to make a big deal. It's his house and you are living there rent free. It's neither of your DD's parents so really no problem. She will not understand about one night stands.

byrel · 30/10/2010 09:49

YABU do I sense you are older than him and that you don't approve of him doing this sort of thing and projecting it onto your DD.

dertitude · 30/10/2010 09:53

YABU its not as if he had her bent over the kitchen table

Goblinchild · 30/10/2010 09:57

Well, either the brother will comply but feel resentful and manipulated. Or he won't, and feel the OP was unfair to ask.
Or he'll just laugh and say 'Get Real'

OP, how long before you are independent again and in a place of your own?

Original poster
lokaku · 30/10/2010 10:01

GoblinChild I'm trying to sort it out now but finding a property that is suitable for our needs, not in a terrible state and a price we can afford is proving difficult

OP posts: