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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask him not to bring random women home

96 replies

lokaku · 30/10/2010 09:12

I'm currently living with my brother (due to an abusive ex). He went out last night with his friends and he clearly 'pulled' and he brought her back with him. DD just wandered into the kitchen to find said girl making herself breakfast apparently with dbs permission (he's still in bed).
This scared her and she's been through a lot in the last month and having "strange women" in the house will not help this.
I know its his house and we are staying here rent free and he has been a saviour in what he has done. AIBU to ask him not to bring women back.

OP posts:
LookToWindward · 30/10/2010 10:01

Yabu. It's his house and he's doing you a (rather large) favour. If you dont like it go elsewhere.

porcamiseria · 30/10/2010 10:03

you cannot ask him, its his house!!!!!

Original poster
lokaku · 30/10/2010 10:04

Why can't I ask him? I can't tell him but I can ask him

OP posts:
GiganGORE · 30/10/2010 10:05

Yabu. But then so are those who are being snippy. Your dd isn't a typical 5yo. She has already been through a damaging experience and had her world turned upside down.
She will be mistrusting of adults she doesn't know.

I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world for you to mention it to your brother.

Maybe not ask him to stop being such a babe magnet Hmm but to maybe warn you if he brings someone home.

If your dd was frightened rather than just a bit surprised I would see if you can get her some help with dealing with all she has been through. Nspcc offer support groups for children who have experienced dc. Have a look if there is one in your. AreA.

Gory09 · 30/10/2010 10:05

""I think the problem is that I had no idea who this person was, if it had been one of his mates I'd have known him as I've met most if not all of them. It was the fact that I couldn't tell her who she was because I didn't know as he must have picked her up in a bar or club last night.""

Why do you need to tell your DD exactly who the woman was? She is a friend of your uncle" is good enough for a 5yo surely?

I am afraid I go with the flow, you are a bit unreasonable.

ENormaSnob · 30/10/2010 10:07

If you ask him you may make him him feel awkward and then he may resent you and your dd being there.

It would be really really unfair to ask this IMO.

Perhaps channel your energies into finding a home for you and your dd.

chimchARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH · 30/10/2010 10:07

i can't help but hope that your db told his ladyfriend that his sister and niece were staying....imagine the poor woman walking into the kitchen to find "wife and daughter" sitting there!!! [hwink]

i think yabu op...hope you get sorted soon.

TheEvilDead2 · 30/10/2010 10:08

YABrU.

Sorry, you have just got out of a bad situtation, but a woman your dd doesn't know making breakfast while you are in the house shouldn't be that distressing to her at all.

You have no idea of knowing how long you will take to find a home, and your brother is being lovley to let you and a child stay with him. Its seems really unfair for him to put his life on hold as well as giving up his home.

If you are worried it isn't a huge deal to go downstairs first surely? make sure there aren't any odd women around> and if there are find out their names so when DD comes down you can say this is Bambi/Candi with an I, she's a friend of your uncles.

Or better yet if the lucky bugger has pulled give him some privacy and stay upstairs for an hour or take dd for a walk.

Original poster
lokaku · 30/10/2010 10:10

chickArgh she was a bit startled when I walked in but I quickly said I'm his sister took dd and left her to it.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 30/10/2010 10:10

Your db is being fantastic and you have no right to ask him this. Awful what your dd has been through but that's not your brother's fault and he is doing you a massive favour. Sounds like it's time to move on.

TheEvilDead2 · 30/10/2010 10:10

Btw the majority think you are being unreasonable so you might want to be one of the rare OPs on AIBU and actually listen so you don't cause any issues. You can't tell him but asking is going to make him resentful.

togarama · 30/10/2010 10:21

YABU. I don't see what the problem is. You risk making your brother, daughter and self v. uncomfortable for no good reason.

poxoxo · 30/10/2010 10:24

I see why you might think this considering what you and your dd have been through but none of that is your dbs fault and he has been very kind taking you in and its not fair to expect him to alter the way he lives his life any more than he already has.

I do wonder what she must have thought when dd and then you walked in.

forehead · 30/10/2010 10:29

YABU, Stop moaning or you will risk annoying your brother. He is a grown man. I do however understand that you may find it a bit difficult, but that's life.

peeringintothevoid · 30/10/2010 10:35

YABVVU. Sorry for your recent traumatic experiences, but he's sharing his home with you, rent free, and you have absolutely no right to tell him what to do in it. Or 'ask' him, as he will then feel uncomfortable/resentful/restricted in his own home.

Virtually everyone is telling you the same thing, but you seem unwilling to hear it.

gretalse · 30/10/2010 11:02

YADNBU You and more importantly your niece have been through a traumatic time and I don't think its unreasonable to ask him not to do something that caused his 5yo niece who's already being through a lot unnecessary distress.

bintofbohemia · 30/10/2010 11:05

YABU

colditz · 30/10/2010 11:09

YANBU to feel uncomfortable, but YABU if you ask your brother to stop bringing people into his own house.

You are living there rent free - I'm presuming your brother either doesn't have children or doesn't live with them - so rather than looking on his behavior as disrupting your mornings, you should be looking at your presense disrupting his life!

ScroobiousPip · 30/10/2010 11:13

I don't know your situation, OP, or what your relationship is with your DB. It might be that he would be absolutely fine with your request, but the thought just hadn't crossed his mind.

I think you would be U to require or expect him to change his ways (but you accept that, I see) but YANBU to mention your concerns. It might be that he could perhaps consider staying over at the girl's place, rather than inviting them home. It depends, I guess, on how you ask and how he would take being asked. No point if it's going to create awkwardness but if it is an easily resolved issue which would cause him no grief to solve then no, YANBU to ask.

overmydeadbody · 30/10/2010 11:14

YABU. All you needed to tell your DD was that "she is a friend of your uncle". End of.

Just because he brought her home and they spent the night together doesn't make her a threat or danger to yuor dd.

overmydeadbody · 30/10/2010 11:15

I just don't get ehy it would cause a child stress.

She's staying at someone else's house, surely it is normal for childrne to get used to meeting people in houss who they don't know?

beobelle · 30/10/2010 11:16

YANBU to mention it to your db, he sounds great btw but I don't think you can expect him to change his way of life just because his sister and niece have suddenly moved in.

TattyDevine · 30/10/2010 11:17

YABU, you are going to have to suck it up whilst you sort your own accomodation, and if you ask him not to, you are going to risk him saying "no, my house my rules" or feeling resentful, and doing what he wants anyway.

baildonwen · 30/10/2010 11:21

YABU its not as if you found your dd playing with a used condom

18to30 · 30/10/2010 11:26

Just ask him to text you if he is bringing someone home, I'm sure he would do that.